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2 tops in a relationship

C

Chaser341

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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. It started out as a FWB situation with emphasis on the 'Benefits'. The scale quickly shifted to the emphasis being on 'Friends', and didn't stop there. We both classify ourselves as tops, but I do enjoy bottoming on occasion, an enjoyment that my boyfriend does not have, ever. At first it wasn't a problem, but as things became more long term and permanent my urge to be the top could not be ignored. That urge is now clawing at my mind every waking moment.

We have discussed my desire to top a few times and he was very clear on his opposition, so I didn't push the issue too hard. One reason he doesn't want to bottom for me is because I am rather large down south and could quite possible cause him some pain, the other reason is complete lack of interest for him. He knows I want this but I restrain myself from telling him just how much. He is an emotional man and would be heartbroken that he can't give me something I want sooo desperately.

We have tried 'Anal Ease" for him but after getting about 2 inches in we had to abort mission. We have tried going very slowly with small toys/fingers, but with no success. We have tried a flesh light for me, but it is the tofu of sexual pleasures. The topic of introducing a third person to the bedroom has even come up, but neither of us like the idea. I have never been in love with the idea of a 3-some when in a relationship. I feel like it would cause more complications than it would solve. If this is the solution to my desire to be a top, one time isn't going to be enough. This person would have to come by on a regular basis, a friendship would develop, and then we have a FWB situation that could potentially develop further, as the first one did between my boyfriend and I!... Perhaps I am over thinking the scenario, but the fact remains that things could get messy and I do not want to risk damaging our relationship.

If my boyfriend's perfect ass is closed for business, and I don't want to fuck a new stranger every week, am I stuck being the bottom? I realize there are other ways to have fun than just fucking. But if you had a buffet of your favorite foods in front of you, would you be satisfied with a salad? Every time?

I feel as though the burden of keeping our sex life afloat is on my shoulders. I could really use some advice.
 
Not to be insensitive, but unless some health issue is in play, your bf is being a wuss. If he cares about you, as you believe, you should be honest with him, and he should try to get over his fear of bottoming. I am also a top, and bottoming is by far not my default setting, but I have done it quite a bit in relationships, and taken some big ones. What works for me is having the guy lie down and not move, and me riding it. At first it hurts, then I pull out, wait for the pain to disappear, then sit back again and the pain is gone. Tons of lube of course.

Having sexual frustration is the road to relationship death. You CAN NOT work around sexual frustration. Can't bury it, can't ignore it, will it to go away. It WILL eat your relationship from the inside. So you have to be honest with what you want, and how much you want it, and if he is the guy for you, he will try to help.

As for the FWB situation, I wouldn't worry THAT much. If your relationship is strong, you will figure out a way to both have emotional attachment, AND lack of romantic interest in the third person. OR you could go with strangers. That can be hot too when you are with the one you care about. But then again, I'm slutty and sexually liberal as a French art movie, so this last piece of advice may not apply to you. Just saying, don't just dismiss it right out.
 
^I agree. You are not doing yourself any favors by remaing frustrated. Get him talking for starters.
 
Hmmm. I think your bf should take it like a man. Lol
I think an enema for him is in order lol. Tmi?
Well, there's no going around it. It takes patience, trust and giving to make a relationship work.
I the worst case scenario it might be necessary to find a third from time to time just to relieve you of your needs. But it would have to happen when he's around. I've known top guys in stable relationships that make a point to find a bottom third to release their sexual tension regularly.
Talk to him. Some compromises are in order to strengthen the relationship
 
I agree with Rolyo85 that my boyfriend should be able to bottom, at least rarely. But I haven't yet thought of a nice, caring way to say 'toughen up and bend over'. lol. If he was ever able to power through the experience I'm not sure it would be enjoyable for me, though. If I thought that he was in any pain I would want to stop and certainly wouldn't be able to finish.

I suppose this is flawed on a fundamental level. I want to fuck a guy that wants to be fucked. Then we are back on the option of introducing a third. An idea I have never liked, but am considering more and more every day.
 
some guys start as total tops. but once you introduce them to bottoming and they like it, they get into it more.

the secret is to make it as painless as possible. he has to be empty to make this work. no bare fingers up the ass because that hurts. lubed condom on a finger while fingering his ass is the best introduction. a lot of fingering with one finger until he likes it. then move on to two. then stretch him slowly slowly. when he's comfortable, he'll ask you for the real thing. make him ride you so he's in control.

yeah, it takes a little patience. but he'll come around.
 
Chaser341 said:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. It started out as a FWB situation with emphasis on the 'Benefits'. The scale quickly shifted to the emphasis being on 'Friends', and didn't stop there. We both classify ourselves as tops, but I do enjoy bottoming on occasion, an enjoyment that my boyfriend does not have, ever. At first it wasn't a problem, but as things became more long term and permanent my urge to be the top could not be ignored. That urge is now clawing at my mind every waking moment.
Click to expand...

I'm curious how it worked so well then, but not now?

Is it really that you want to Top that badly or are you more angry/jealous that you make that 'ultimate sacrifice' for him, and he isn't willing to do it for you?
 
Chaser341 said:
.... That urge is now clawing at my mind every waking moment.

We have discussed my desire to top a few times and he was very clear on his opposition, so I didn't push the issue too hard. ....

I feel as though the burden of keeping our sex life afloat is on my shoulders. I could really use some advice.
Click to expand...

I take it you do not live together.

I think you have become obsessed over something that you should have been aware of from the beginning.

Are you changing the rules of the game? If so, you could be the problem in the relationship. It is not unusual for the first year to reveal incompatibilities. That may have happened here, and you should take that as an indication of the future.

Rolyo is correct when he says sexual frustration is a death knell of a rewarding relationship.
 
borg69unimatrix said:
I'm curious how it worked so well then, but not now?

Is it really that you want to Top that badly or are you more angry/jealous that you make that 'ultimate sacrifice' for him, and he isn't willing to do it for you?
Click to expand...

It has worked out so far because I genuinely do enjoy bottoming, but in the list of preferences it never takes the top spot.

I hadn't considered it much but I suppose you are right about being upset over it. I know his favorite thing to do is fuck me, so I let him and I truly enjoy making him as satisfied as possible. He knows I would enjoy fucking him more than anything else, but the same sacrifice is not returned. I would not say that I am angry about this, but it does make me sad to think about.
 
That's why it's important to communicate. Some guys don't want to be penetrated due to hang ups or fear of pain or uncleanliness, etc. All of those things will cause tightness. Being turned on is essential.
 
Chaser341 said:
It has worked out so far because I genuinely do enjoy bottoming, but in the list of preferences it never takes the top spot.

I hadn't considered it much but I suppose you are right about being upset over it. I know his favorite thing to do is fuck me, so I let him and I truly enjoy making him as satisfied as possible. He knows I would enjoy fucking him more than anything else, but the same sacrifice is not returned. I would not say that I am angry about this, but it does make me sad to think about.
Click to expand...

So... you went into it knowing before hand what he was like. Were you hoping he'd change? Or did you think that you could change for him and be happy with that decision?
 
borg69unimatrix said:
So... you went into it knowing before hand what he was like. Were you hoping he'd change? Or did you think that you could change for him and be happy with that decision?
Click to expand...

At first it was never supposed to be anything long term. Just a hook up now and then when we could, so I didn't care that I was bottoming. The sex was good and he has the body I only thought existed in dreams! When things started becoming more than that I let it be known that I need to Top occasionally, and he agreed to try. This is when we started experimenting with Anal Ease, very small toys, a finger, ect. (all with lots of lube of course). I was hopeful that with time we could get to the real thing. After a month or two he lost interest and the issue got swept under the rug. I've brought it up once or twice since then but nothing good has ever come from the conversation.
 
Hmmm... well, assuming that he's not going to change from what you've said that throws the ball back in your court. You have to decide what's more important to you. A relationship with him as is, or finding someone else you can top. Also assuming 3somes are out.
 
It's a 2-way street and being Versatile is a must.

Anyone who only Tops or Bottoms should look at it as a Fetish, not a lifestyle, and be willing to make their partner happy by switching up when need be.

As a true Versatile, I could not see having a "session" where I did not give & receive during it....since both are very pleasurable.​
 
borg69unimatrix said:
Hmmm... well, assuming that he's not going to change from what you've said that throws the ball back in your court. You have to decide what's more important to you. A relationship with him as is, or finding someone else you can top. Also assuming 3somes are out.
Click to expand...

That is essentially the black and white of the situation. I am looking for advice concerning options in the gray area. I do not want to break up. The rest of our relationship is wonderful. But continuing to be the only bottom is also not an option. I am stuck :-/
 
Well, tell him this exact thing then. Tell him that you don't want to introduce thirds, and you really like everything about the relationship, but that you can't continue to exclusively bottom. Say it as simple as this sentence, and let him do some of the work here...
 
I think that the word 'sacrifice' says it all.

This is more about a test of the willingness of your BF to give himself completely to you as you do for him.

He apparently isn't going to do this happily or willingly.

I think it is time for each of you to get out there and see if you can find the person who makes each of you happy and fulfilled.

Because as I see it from here, you are just delaying the inevitable.
 
Chaser341 said:
That is essentially the black and white of the situation. I am looking for advice concerning options in the gray area. I do not want to break up. The rest of our relationship is wonderful. But continuing to be the only bottom is also not an option. I am stuck :-/
Click to expand...

IMO I'm not sure there IS a grey area. If he won't change, you need to decide. Wasting time on Lottery Winning type "what if" Fantasies doesn't really help you or him.
 
If he isn't willing to change or mix it up, then bringing in a third won't change that.
 
I know how much I need versatility in my relationship. I couldn't imagine it any other way. More to the point, I couldn't accept it any other way. But I suppose your boyfriend is entitled to the same thing. He can never imagine it any other way than being on top all the time. It is a tough situation.
 
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