20 Year Old Needs Input

[boy-i-wanna-make-u-sweat]

Re: How to come out?

I'm 20 years old and I haven't even kissed a girl (and of course, no guys either). How loser is that?

I want to tell two friends and make them see I'm the same guy they met, and I want things to be the same after. The parties, the stay over night sleeps because of homeworks or parties, but I fear that things change because I'm gay.

That ain't loser, I'm 23 and never kissed anything either

I was in a similar situation with one friend at work because we go to the gym together and I was afraid he might get weird about it but everything has worked out fine. That's not really advice as such but it might help someone, I dunno.

 

[sexaddict76]

Re: How to come out?

When I was about 23 I was pretty screwed up with drugs and sorta threatened an outing. I figured I should tell a few people myself, before someone else did. I don't remember how it went or which order I told them. I told my oldest niece (she's more like a sister than a niece), her mom (my sister), my favorite aunt and her grand daughter. Some time later I told my gay cousin, but I thought he already knew (he didn't). I sorta told my parents through my paranoia, but I never confirmed it and don't want to.

Now I'm 30 and kinda feel like coming out. I've had a few people ask me if I have kids and I wanted to say "I keep trying, but it's hard to get a guy pregnant". My second oldest niece is 16 and thinks bieng gay/bi is cool or shocking or something. She has some gay/bi friends and she likes to go around saying one of her girlfriends is her girlfriend and she's kissed a few of her girlfriends but it's all for shock. I thought if she ever asked me, I'd say yes, but she asked me if I was bi once and I said no. I wasn't expecting it and she said I looked weird when she asked. She asks me about sex sometimes and I'm always kinda ambiguous. I want to just come right out and tell her, but....

About five years ago, my best friend was a homophobe. I don't want to go into detail on that, but I told him and he was cool with it, I guess. Sometime before that, he asked me to move out of state with him, but he knew I wouldn't like it and would probably only stay a month or two. A couple weeks later he took off and didn't tell anyone where he was going, not even his ex wife and he was still living with her up until he left. He's just one of those people that move when things start going bad and I don't think being gay had anything to do with him not telling me.

 

[winterknight]

Hey, you're doing way better than I was at your age.

In fact, you're doing better than I am now.

 

[G-Lexington]

It's tough to be selective on who you come out to. I mean, it's difficult to say "These people can know, but these ones can't." By coming out to a select group, you're in essence asking these people to lie for you, and that's a tough position to put someone in. You can certainly tell them that you'd rather they not tell the free world, of course, but it's certainly possible that word might get around. And unless your school is a lot different than mine was 20 years back (yikes), most things WON'T change even if the whole school knows. You'll still be doing your classes, activities, and groups.

If you tell your closest friends, will things still be the same? Ideally, yes. Probably, yes. There may be some period of adjustment. They may feel a bit weird about you sleeping over. Be aware of their discomfort, and do your best to put them at ease. Try not to sweat the small stuff, though.

Oh, and the guy who's setting off your "gaydar"? Why not make a move...as a friend? Chat with him a bit. Get to know him a bit. It might end up he isn't boyfriend material, but he still might be friend material, and friends are cool, right?

Lex

 

[Yoda71]

Dude, I was 21 when i kissed my first guy. You're not alone

 

[DarkHelios]

Re: How to come out?

That ain't loser, I'm 23 and never kissed anything either

I was in a similar situation with one friend at work because we go to the gym together and I was afraid he might get weird about it but everything has worked out fine. That's not really advice as such but it might help someone, I dunno.

I'm 26. I win.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Sofismus,

Welcome to JUB...its great to have you here!!!

Mate... congrats on your courage and your progress in coming out and accepting yourself so far. It is a long road and yes there will be some bumps along the way...but its a process that lead to you losing the feeling of guilt and being dirty...it just takes time.

And thats the key here Sofismus... you need to take you're time. Your post shows a thoughtful insightful passionate guy...one who values his friends, the people he cares about...one whos loving and kind. Thier qualities that are pretty easy to see mate....thats a great thing.

But it also shows a guy whos struggling to think the same things about himself. It also shows a guy whos yet to realize his full value, his worth and his uniqueness.

Mate...you're a long way from being normal. You'll never be normal...and its not because you are gay. Its because you are already way more than normal.

Reread your post...and know that you're not a loser and you are sure not alone. Nearly all of us has been where you are right now. We were scared frightened alone. We thought there was something wrong with us, that we didn't belong or fit in. We thought we were different. We didnt want anyone to know.

Your real true value lies in your honesty, your openness, your values, your ability to be a friend, a confidant, a leader, your ability to love and care, to nurture and to trust. Those are the things that define you...make you who you are...make you the guy who found the courage to start the process and post here as well.

None of those things have changed since you started to accept yourself. You are still you. You are still the same guy that your friends love and care about.

You're better than normal. You're unique. You're not a loser...you are simply someone who is starting a journey...someone who is taking his first step in understanding that he's ok, he's worthy and that being gay is simply another piece to his puzzle. Its not you, it doesnt define you....its part of you. And it sure doesnt make you any less important or special.

For now Sofismus dont worry about anyone else...understand how important you are. That theres nothing bad or wrong about you. That being gay doesnt change or define you...it completes you. That fully accepting how important you are is far more important that worrying about what others will think. Get to know and love you first. You're ok. Its ok. You are worthy...you are still the same great guy.

You are never alone in this mate. You never have to face anything by yourself. But you do need to know how valuable you are and how the people around you see you love you and care for you.

Being gay isnt a blessing...but it isnt a curse either. Its you. Its me...its what we are not who we are. You decide who you are. And thats a pretty special guy from what I can see here.

Take your time to know that about yourself before you worry about anyone else. Because you're worth the time and effort...thats a given.

 

[thermodynamics]

Re: How to come out?

I'm 26. I win.

Dang. You guys win. I'm 22.

I'm coming out to those people who I think should know, or if it's asked. Otherwise I don't bring it up. And I tell those people that I rather they didn't tell other people, unless it comes up in conversation and is pertinent. Being gay is part of who I am, but it's definitely not the most important part of who I am.

 

[Boogerqueesha]

Hey. It's great that you've gotten yourself to come out to some of your friends. I was the same awhile back- my friends noticed that I was really down before I came out.

What makes me worried is the way you word some things. It sounds like your self-esteem really isn't in good shape. You typed up there that you've accepted your 'condition'. It's good that you can accept that you're gay, but I really really think that it's important for you to realize that gay isn't bad, it isn't a 'condition'. YOU have to realize that there's nothing wrong with you being gay, if you want other people to think the same way.

If you tell your friends that you're gay, and act like it's some horrible disease, you're just asking them to treat you like you have one. They probably pick up more cues from you than you realize.

You also probably think that gay people act a certain way... "gay," and that since you're gay, you'll end up acting that way too. This isn't true- you act whatever way you choose. You said up there that you want to be a 'normal' guy, like always. That's fine- you don't have to change. Being gay means liking guys instead of girls. That's ALL it means, unless you want it to mean more. You don't have to talk, dress, or act "gay".

Be ok with yourself. YOUR self, not what people think you should be as a straight guy, not what people think you should be as a gay guy. That will give you a lot of respect, I guarantee it. It's the best advice I can give.

 

[jackal_78]

Not to start a pity party or anything, but you definitely aren't alone.

I'm 20 years old as well and I've never kissed a guy or girl, nor have I ever been on a date or any sort of romantic relationship. I used to be kind of worried about it as well, but I started thinking about it and I'm not grotesquely disfigured, I have a sense of humor, and I can carry on an intelligent conversation so what is there to be worried about? Obviously neither of us have met the right person and worrying about it won't bring that person around any quicker.

You just have to be willing to give it some time.

btw, congratulations to all of you. You are making a differece in many of us with your examples.

I completely agree with you here. I find it really inspiring as well.

-jonathan.

P.S. tallguy who the hell did you get so reassuring, I mean, do you have like a Ph.D in comforting people? Sufficed to say, I'm amazed.

 

[TomahawkEagle]

I'm 26 soon and I haven't kissed a guy. I haven't even touched a guy (intimately) for 7 years now. On top of that, I'm not out to my family yet and only a few of my mates know that I like guys and the occasional girl. Of course my friends know more about the girls I have my eye on than the guys I have a secret crush for.

 

[tallguy297]

P.S. tallguy who the hell did you get so reassuring, I mean, do you have like a Ph.D in comforting people? Sufficed to say, I'm amazed.

Mate its easy to see the good in you guys...and its easy to relate to the struggles you're having. Its the words of a friend...even one that you've never met...that can mean a lot. You guys are the ones with the qualities. You guys are the ones with the incredible complex mix of emotions and values that make you who you are.

And sometimes being gay seems to overcrowd your mind...especially as you learn to accept yourself...and all the other valuable things you posses get pushed to one side. It dominates your thoughts and drowns out everything else.

But the reality is is that in time will pass. Your worries will ease and you'll come to see just how acceptance makes you feel better about yourself, how it balances you and completes you. It quietens those voices and lets the rest of you back into the limelight so you can shine as a whole complete person.

For most of us here on these boards mate...the very best we can do is tell you that it will happen...it does get better...and you are special awesome guys. All we can do is reassure and give you some tools and advice. Its a privilege to do so.

But the fight is still yours. Its just now we've hopefully given you an outlet, some support, some comfort...some hope. Its a powerful thing to know that you are cared for and that you're not alone.

And when you post here...you never will be.

 

[newkidondagayblock]

I am 27 and not been kissed yet. Beat That!!! sorry for just focusing on myself.

 

[BiGuy8705]

I'm 20 and hadn't kissed a guy or a girl up until a month ago. Since I've kissed a few guys, and more.

 

[slobone]

Sofismus, it sounds like you want a lot of different things that don't go very well together. You want your friends to know you're gay, but you don't want anyone else to know, you want to meet potential sexual partners, but you're scared off if they want sex too soon, etc. etc.

In other words -- perfectly normal for 20 years old. I wouldn't worry about it, things will sort themselves out as time goes by.

In my experience, it's almost never a mistake to come out as soon and as often as you need to. Sure, there will be some people who drop you, but as we always say, do you need friends like that anyway?

As for what strangers think -- it's really hopeless if you're going to live your life worrying about that. Just be yourself, and let them worry about themselves.

As for dating -- well sooner or later you're going to have to "do it", if only to find out what it's like. The reality is that most guys who hook up are looking for a hookup, right?

Don't fight it so much, but just find some guy who appeals to you and let nature take its course. You usually have to get past the sex part to find out if you really care for each other anyway.

 

[Riverrick]

Sofismus, coming out is the key to a better future. I know its probably not what you want to hear since it can be tough to do so. But everything, your depression, your lack of dating, your future relationships all balance on it.

This is the stage you are at in your life. Which is why the issue is coming up for your now.

You are feeling a need to be more honest about your sexuality and to integrate it into your life as it is. So that's your task. Little by little to start coming out.

And yes, for a while you will have to give up the old "normal". But in place of it will be the new normal, the real you. Which, as Tallguy said, is unique and special. Good luck!

 

[benlemieux2003]

Ah man. I think we can all relate to you.

You know we've all been through a variant of the same story, so what I'd recommend would be to talk about this with your best friend(s). It really helps.

And don't worry about relationships or not having kissed someone. It's overrated. Couple of my exes' were on the complete other side of the slut-o-meter and that really bothered me: I'd bust my ass for having a guy like you. I think a lot of people on here would agree with me on that one.

 

[rareboy]

about a year ago I realized I wasn't 'normal'

The first thing you need to get right over is this self-image. Of course you're normal.

You are just wired differently. You still breathe, eat, shit and think like a human animal. You have as much capacity for love and evil as the straight guy sitting next to you.

Now that we have that settled, that might help you get over the idea that what you do with your dick is sick or depraved, because, by the way, it isn't all that much different than what a lot of straight guys do.

Tell the friends you want to tell and then do it the way that straight people do; leave it alone. Live your life instead of pronouncing on it. If you find a guy, bring him into your circle. If some of your 'friends' can't deal with it.....so fucking what. Lose them. Just stop living their lives becuase you are afraid of being stigmatized.

When I was 22, I started fucking guys. I didn't hang banners. From casual acquaintances, I developed many friendships. My new gay friends, some of whom were older and established, introduced me to a world of culture, conversation and confidence in myself. I dropped many of my University acquaintances because I realized how boring and confining it was to conform to their social structure.

My real friends got introduced to my new gay friends and enjoyed dinners and other gatherings with us.

You just have to decide when you want to be your own person and not just a reflection of what you think straight society demands of you.

 

[Elwood]

I'm 20 years old and I haven't even kissed a girl (and of course, no guys either). How loser is that?

I want to tell two friends and make them see I'm the same guy they met, and I want things to be the same after. The parties, the stay over night sleeps because of homeworks or parties, but I fear that things change because I'm gay.

Here's the thing: I'm really into a lot of things in college (activities, student groups. industry leading relations on campus, ...), so only my real friends should know, I don't want the whole college to know, and affect the things I'm into, and I'd like to be thinked of as a normal guy, as it's been till now.

.

First of all you are not a loser!
Your friends will realise you are the same guy and I don't think to much will change. It is are own fear that we project and predict what will happen when we come out and it is usually just not like that. I came out at 38 after being married and having kids and not one of my personal relationships has changed one bit.

You being gay will not effect the things you are into, and you are a normal guy wether you are gay or not. It sounds like you are not 100% comfortable with being gay yet and that is normal. It took me two years to be fully comfortable with the new me. When I first accepted it i didn't plan on telling anyone and 3 years later I am almost out to everyone. You will also find it gets easier with everyperson you tell.
Goodluck and like some others have said just relax and take it step by step.