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23 and still single...

L

lostone89

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okay, here's the scoop: I am 23 years old, graduated from college back in December, trying to make something out of my life. the problem?- I am 23 years old and I've never really been in a relationship/ intimate with another guy. It's not that I don't want to or haven't tried to find a guy; but for some reason all the guys I've been out with just have that 'thrill of the hunt' thing for trying to be my first time. Don't get me wrong: some of them have been REALLY handsome, but I don't want to just jump into bed with them on the first date. Is that really so much to bear? I have had only two what I would consider semi-serious relationships in the past; and both ended with me getting hurt. The last one especially, because I really fell head over heels for him; but he didn't take me seriously.
I don't have high expectations: just as long as the guy is genuine, nice, and has a nice smile. Am I really so undesirable that I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life alone? I really want to settle down and have a special something with someone; but if they're out there, I sure as hell can't find them. I'm starting to go out of my mind on this; I'm the only one of my friends who is not in a relationship, and also the only one who's never had sex before. I don't feel pressured by them, but it really gets awkward being the only single in a room full of loving couples.
 
You sound like a really sweet guy. If I were single and I lived close by, I would totally date someone like you ;)

And it should be OK to not have sex on the first date. I prefer not to have sex if I find the guy attractive/prospective. To be honest, finding hookups is easy, but finding someone to date is really difficult, and depends mostly on luck. Also, it sucks being in a room with other loving couples. But don't make desperation out of it - it's not that bad being single.

I thought the same about not being able to find a guy out there until I met my bf. But again, try to extend your social circle, and if you're completely out, that's even greater. Also, try some "serious" dating sites such as OKCupid (totally recommend for their matching questions). You need to invest a bit of time and efforts in presenting yourself on such sites, but you'll meet date-worthy people there. It's harder if you use Grindr/Jack'D I guess, cause those apps are mostly for hookups :-)
 
I know the feeling all too well my friend. However it is not all bad. I am 22, only just getting my life together and having direction (started a law and criminology degrees woo) instead of wasting my life, doing shit I hated, hanging out with people I barely knew or liked. I've never had a relationship, shit this is my first year being out and open, and have only had my first real date not even 6months ago. I want to be wanted and desired, I put so much effort into looking and acting how I think they want me to, to then work out that what I am being is not me, it looks sad and desperate. So therefore I've backed off the whole trying to impress and just be me. This has worked a treat, sure it never led anywhere but to friendship, but it's certainly better than being someone fake, jumping in the sack and getting hurt. Just enjoy the ride man, no need to run and jump into a relationship, it's when you do that, you get hurt.
 
It doesn't change -- sex is ALWAYS easier to find then an honest genuine relationship. If all somebody wants is sex, all you have to do is go to your city's gay district, on a Saturday night, get drunk, and find a hookup. Finding an actual genuine good relationship is ALWAYS much harder because there's the HUGE difference between being friends where you can open up somewhat and talk about some of your vulnerabilities on an existential/theoretical plane versus in a relationship you (at least me) totally want to pour your heart and soul into someone and have that same person pour their heart and soul into you.

Even at 36, I feel like such a total idiot recently because recently I went on a couple dates w/a 23 yr old; I was very upfront that I was looking for a relationship and not a fling; we end up getting hammered; sure enough he successfully seduces me, and all of a sudden he disappears. And of course I should've known better.
 
lostone89 said:
... I really want to settle down and have a special something with someone; but if they're out there, I sure as hell can't find them...
Click to expand...

Where have you been looking?
 
Why don't you do something you love or at least care for? From my experience, love just finds you when you stop looking! (And sometimes it has really bad timing) Somebody told you to get a job, and it's a great idea! That will keep your mind busy and you can spend the money on a nice hobby! And, if you live in the States, go online for a gay group, like gay sports team or gay literature thingy or anything! In Mexico those things don't exist, or if they do, they must be some underground thing. I know I would join a gay soccer team (for the sake of learning/understanding that damned game) or a gay martial arts dojo or so. God, I miss martial arts but I'm broke and have a full schedule, so it must wait.
And about relationships: they hurt, always. That's why they're so beautiful, nobody enters or leaves your life without leaving a mark. I'm telling you, stop looking, people can smell desperation and most assume it's an unruly, burning sexual desire inside you.
 
maybe you shouldnt tell them you having done anthring with a guy. just tell them that you havent been in a relationship before so that way they dont have the expectation of being the first to be intimate with you
 
Bro, you're 23; there are not many guys in their 20's looking to be in a serious relationship in that age range and I would say it's for the better. You need to get out and experience the gauntlet safely. But if that's not for you, be prepared for a long journey.
 
there are not many guys in their 20's looking to be in a serious relationship.
Click to expand...

This. You have a better chance with older guys (late 20s, early 30s), but you need to be independent to get any interest.
Start with a job then get social after you're settled.
 
guys: I HAVE A JOB. I have my own house which I closed on in September. I am financially stable, I just want to find a guy who takes things seriously in life.
 
lostone89 said:
guys: I HAVE A JOB. I have my own house which I closed on in September. I am financially stable, I just want to find a guy who takes things seriously in life.
Click to expand...

Yes, but most guys your age are not.

At 23, most guys are just starting a new job or starting grad school. They don't own a home. If they went to college, they have college loans coming due. And they are still enjoying playing the field.

Dating isn't supposed to be like a job interview though. It's supposed to be about meeting new people and getting to know them. Some guys you'll go out with will end up being friends. A lot of guys you'll never see again because they're jerks or just incompatible with you. With a few, you'll want to see them but they may not feel the same way. And with even fewer, you'll meet, like each other, date for a while but in the end, it won't work out.

If you go into dating with anything other than the expectation that you're going to meet a lot of guys and most of them aren't Mr Right, then it's going to be a constant disappointment. But if you want to meet the guy that you're looking for, you have to go out with a lot of guys to find the right one.
 
lostone89 said:
guys: I HAVE A JOB. I have my own house which I closed on in September. I am financially stable, I just want to find a guy who takes things seriously in life.
Click to expand...

KaraBulut said:
Yes, but most guys your age are not.
Click to expand...

^^^^^^ Pretty much this, but I do take things seriously. I'm 23 and single...but I am deeply dedicated to school at the moment, and will be until I'm almost 30. Doesn't mean I don't want a relationship, because I do, I am just not willing to 100% dedicate myself to someone until my t's are crossed and i's are dotted in the academic department. I want to 'settle' when I am capable of doing so. At 23, I'm not capable.

With that being said, I live in Toronto. After graduating, I could move/be posted to a lot of places -- would it be fair to score a job in SoCal, or Vancouver, or Houston, or London, after being in a relationship with you, OP, for three years? Not at all. I would have to move to where the research money is, or make pennies every year in some pharmaceutical facility. Yikes.

I'm sorry you can't find a guy yet, but there's someone similar out there for you. It will be quite the search, and as KaraBulut said, don't go into the dating game expecting anything more than friendship. Will take a while to find "the one". Could be the third date, could be the thirtieth. Persistence will win this one! :)
 
Well, could be worse. I am 35, single, and have no life (according to other people). :/
 
Just because you're educated, successful, and stable at 23 doesn't mean you're ready for a relationship. I'm looking for a guy with your mentality, but a virgin with no relationship experience is a red flag for me. You can be an amazing guy, but I'm not going to be your first relationship.

Date just for the sake of having a boyfriend and living in the present. Make your mistakes, experiment with your passions. Find a fuck buddy or a few friends with benefits. See what it's like to live the single life before you want to settle down into a life-long commitment.
 
I had my first kiss at 22 with a guy I met on CL at his hotel. Never even knew his name, kissed and jacked off. First sexual experience EVER.

Didn't do anything for 2 years.

Hooked up with guys on CL for a bit. Came out. Had my first real relationship at 25, got my heart broken. Found a guy a year later, now I'm in love for real with someone for about 2 years.

Put yourself out there. Have SAFE random sex if that's what you need. SAFE SAFE SAFE. Ok, just be safe if you want to do that.
 
You sound like one of my girl friends trying to find Mr. Perfect-first-date-and-future-Husband. Look at it this way. As guys we can have sex and fall in love later; it's like test driving a car for a few rides and then running to the bank to pay for it if you really want it. ;-)
 
Don't worry about it.
I recommend that you go out and meet people for starters before going on the hunt for a mate.
There are many brilliant, nice people out there if you look around.
One of them, maybe more than one, might make you consider seeking more.
 
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