25 & depressed

[MrCreative]

Like the title suggests - I'm 25 and severely depressed right now. Growing up I had a pretty tough childhood, but things ended up getting worse (much worse) after becoming extremely rebellious towards my parents, who weren't emotionally or mentally supportive of me. I was always caught in the middle of their drama and never once did i experience a normal childhood. Fast forward, and now I'm living alone in a studio apartment with a job, car and better relationships with everyone in my family except my Mom (she's still really abusive). After going through so much garbage growing up, I've now realized that I don't know how to balance my life. I never feel like I'm good enough at work, with friends or family and it really sucks. Trying to put myself out there is making life unbearable because I'm making one mistake after another. I really want to stop feeling like I never will experience healthy friendships, relationships and adventure. Getting called ugly and fat is making things even worse for my depression. Even when I'm with friends or family I feel inferior and worthless. I've also developed a severe case of body dysmorphia because of what other guys have said, furthering my depression. I don't know how to feel good about myself anymore :/ Any words of wisdom would help..

Today I downloaded grindr again due to loneliness, and now I feel even worse.

 

[Rolyo85]

I would recommend talking to a professional about this. There's no shame in it and it is bound to help you. It sounds like your problems are way too general for some strangers on a forum to resolve. All I can say is, if you are aware of where those feelings stem from, you can stomp them out. How you look is nowhere near as important as how you perceive yourself. As for being good at work and with friendships, the litmus test is simple - do you have a stable job when so many people don't? Do you have enough friends? Do they keep coming back? If yes, then your feelings are false, and that's a step towards overcoming them. You have my best wishes, but I'd still recommend talking to a professional.

 

[Brian Smith]

Think about the possibility that your mother's behavior may be linked with your depression. It might be genetic, and you can fix it. You want to start with your GP or family doctor, and ask for a reference to a place where you can get good quality treatment for depression. Just tell him what you have told us here. There are very good therapies out there.

And sure, you could live without getting yourself treated, but I could walk out into the freezing cold bare-ass naked. It is a lot more comfortable, if you have a way to soothe something like clinical depression, to go ahead and get it diagnosed and treated.

 

[-Kane-]

If you talk to any wise elderly man or woman, they won't tell you about the things they did in life that caused some regret, but instead they'll speak about the things they "didn't do in Life" that has condemned them to Regret.

Be Brave! Be Strong!

and dare to Live your Life!

 

[Durango95]

Ok First things first, if you have clinical depression you need to get help. There are medications that really can help. I'd get a qualified psychiatrist to help me. I know they are expensive but they are worth it. I wouldn't rely on my family doctor or a doc-in-a-box. Once you do that, you may have a different perspective on many things.

Ok, second, set boundaries with your mother. My mother is difficult to navigate as well. Maybe a short hiatus is in order.

Ok, the fat thing, if you are overweight, only you can deal with that. Depression does cause some people to medicate with food. If that is you then the meds will help. I will caution you though. Some meds do cause weight gain. So you have to be very mindful of that. A lot of psychotropics actually cause weight loss. So read the pharmacology carefully.

Ok the ugly thing, your face is your face. I cannot speak to your attractiveness having never seen you. It is my experience that most people are hardest on themselves. Gay guys have an added problem because gay "culture" is so intolerant and has an unrealistic physical paradigm. I work with male models every day. Even the most perfect guys obsess over the silliest minutia as far as appearance. My advise there is do something different....different haircut...different shirt...different coat. I know it sounds stupid but it does work...for a while at least.

By dysmorphia, you are meaning what exactly? If it is really a metal disorder then you need to address that as well, kiddo.

O and this is something that has helped me through the years, Amy Vanderbilt said, " No one can truly hurt your feelings. They can only have incredibly bad manners."

 

[Seasoned]

It's time to heal from your childhood trauma. Once in therapy you'll learn that your childhood coping mechanisms are no longer needed nor are they working. Depression can be quite serious and needs your attention. What will help will be your acknowledgement that you have succeeded in overcoming much because of your ability to hold a job and live independently. Therapy is now in order to help you realize that you're a survivor. From there it can help you with self-esteem and self-image in order to get you on track with social relationships. I believe these things will come to you if you are willing to seek that kind of help. Good luck and best wishes. I'm happy you posted.

 

[MrCreative]

Thanks for your responses, guys.. Rolyo - I do have a few really close friends that try to help doing with this, but it still seems like everyone else is happier than I can or ever will be. I'm already seeing a counselor every two weeks due to low funds.. Brian - She has border-line personality disorder and depression, and isn't doing anything to help herself.. Which has made things harder than they have to be. I'm already getting treatment for depression/anxiety. Its helping for the most part. Kane - its a struggle, but I'm trying! Durango - Already on medication. Its helping with certain things, but maybe I'm not seeing the right counselor. Even though I'm not overweight I've been told I'm fat just because I don't have abs. And because I don't look like a model I've been called ugly for having a slightly crooked nose. That's why I've developed body dysmorphia and don't know what to do about it.

Thank you for the quote

Seasoned - I try to work on self-esteem/image issues, but every time I do it someone ends up ruining the progress..

 

[njcollegekid]

who called you fat/ugly? a random trick over an online hookup site? who cares. dont pay attention to that shit. i know i dont. ive had people tell me i look amazing. then another tell me i look like i weigh 265lb. guess which one i decided to pay attention to (and eventually hook up with)?
if they like you, great. if they dont, fuck do they know?

 

[dereperez]

MrCreative...please talk to a professional about this. I am glad you in a way at least took the first step by venting here and not bottling it up within yourself. You have friends and family and clearly they think you are important enough in their lives. Feel free to PM anytime if you want to vent or chat about anything.

 

[KaraBulut]

Part of what you haven't figured out is that you have taken the place of your mother in putting yourself down. You might have gotten her out of your life but you haven't gotten her out of your head.

If you're in counseling and you don't think it's helping, then fire your therapist and find one who will help you work through this so that you can truly leave your childhood behind.

 

[Cleland]

Participating in forums, making a blog or talking to a close friend can help you vent out all your feelings. Better also to get yourself an effective councilor. Things will be alright. I know someone who experienced worst things compared to you in the family but they all are ok now.

 

[Nate 90]

I'm sorry MrCreative. I'm familiar with depression and image consciousness myself, and it's a horrible thing that can seriously fuck up your life and crush your motivations. The only advice I can give, aside from trying to ignore those the fucking arseholes putting you down (who probably have all kinds of issues themselves) is to focus on or develop your hobby/hobbies to ensure that you have something that will always be there for you and that can help take your mind off things. It's far from a permanent solution to everything, but it really can help.

 

[Luke Lighthart]

MrCreative is your name so you must have something creative about you that you've discovered. This is an attractive trait and I'm sure there are many other traits about you that are attractive. Also, depending on where you are, grindr may be catering to a specific group within the gay community. There are all kinds of gay guys out there who have preferences for bodies that are bigger. Also, depression can be related to brain chemistry that you may need medication for so I also suggest seeing a professional. And, definitely find or continue a hobby or two. It's a great way to keep your momentum in life.
Even though we have different experiences, we share the trials of being gay and surviving child abuse. What has helped me is making myself get up everyday and finding perspective. Try meditation to get you into that mindset when you wake up. Try chanting positive messages to your self over and over again and "zoom out" of your own world. Look at how big space is, the ocean, all the different countries of the world with so many different lives being lived & you are a part of that. You are unique and are needed to fulfill something that other people are not capable of doing.