29 year old in Melbourne - Only Recently OUT and in need of HELP

[NasiGoreng]

Hi everybody. So, I'm a late bloomer. I'm 29 years old, have only just recently become totally comfortable with myself and decided to slowly come out of the closet to the people that I'm closest with.

Yes, I am glad that I have finally chosen to be honest with myself, but at the same time I also feel regret for not doing it much earlier. When I think about how much time I spent living a lie, and the kind of honest life that I could've had all these time, I get really sad and depressed. Especially since just about everybody that I have come out to has been nothing but really cool and accepting. I keep telling myself 'just think forward' and 'its better late than never', now I just need to believe it.

Anyways..

The problem with having been in the closet for so long is that I am completely out of touch with the gay community. I am in desperate need for some gay interactions and gay friendships but honestly don't know where to start or what to do.

The fact that I have never been much of a party person and don't really go to bars make it even more difficult for me to find a starting point. I am not stylish in any way, I couldn't care less about fashion, and I am not effeminate at all. I'm just a laid back slob, who loves to play videogames and has never spent more than $9 on a haircut.

I understand that the things that I mentioned are mere stereotypes and do not in any way represent the gay community as a whole, but as someone who has only had limited view from the outside of said community, they're the most visible and it can be quite intimidating when I simply can't relate to them.

Which is why, I am so desperate to put myself out there and be involved and meet as many fellow gay people from all backgrounds and all walks of life. I just need to start somewhere, but .. where? and how?

If anyone here is from Melbourne, any specifics about groups or contacts or places that I could explore would be very much appreciated. Thanks guys.

 

[KaraBulut]

Just to point something out about your post that might have some bearing on your future success: you've told us everything that you're not but you've haven't told us much about you that is positive.

What are you interested in (besides video games)? Hobbies? Things you enjoy doing? Social/political interests?

What kind of guys are you attracted to?

 

[Seasoned]

Being in the closet for so long may have pushed you into a rough neck mold to hide. There is nothing wrong with taking pride in your appearance and going to a salon to get some pampering. The world is full of metrosexuals who are doing it.

As was mentioned, look to your hobbies or interests and then see what gay organizations might fit those interests. Find something online or a gay helpline for direction.

It is possible to be fabulous without being flamboyant. There are all kinds of gay men, but do take some time mentally thanking the obvious gays for they are the ones who keep our issues alive by being obvious.

 

[NasiGoreng]

I didn't say there was anything wrong with flamboyance or taking the time to pamper yourself at the salon. And I highly admire the 'obvious gays' for being so honest and true to their individualities.

But the gay community, just like any community, is very diverse. I am merely saying that on a personal level, it is easier for me to relate to and connect with people with similar character traits, at least in the initial stages.

And KaraBulut, thanks for making such an excellent point. Besides video games, I'm pretty much a nerd in every other area as well. I love movies and anything pop culture. I'm pretty much a foodie who loves going restaurant hopping with friends. I also love travelling and seeing new places and have been fortunate enough to be able to do just that in the past few years.

And professionally, I am a graphic designer, so I flourish on everything and anything that has to do with creativity and design.

 

[KaraBulut]

Most guys aren't interested in a guy that's perfect- they just want someone who makes the effort.

Just based upon the variety of your interests, you shouldn't have a problem meeting guys.

If you're attracted to more masculine guys, you'll easily find a partner.

 

[AsianDream]

If anyone here is from Melbourne, any specifics about groups or contacts or places that I could explore would be very much appreciated. Thanks guys.

I guess you must be from Melbourne in Florida?

I'm in Melbourne in OZ at the moment - if you were here you'd find it one of the best cities in the world ever to be gay - loads of gay clubs and saunas - a really active gay community.

Anyway - do hope you one day get the chance to visit OZ

 

[NasiGoreng]

No no no Im in Melbourne AUSTRALIA. Down Under. You need to hook me up with stuff then, Mr Asian Dream!

 

[mooncake]

NasiGoreng, I highly recommend you to contact the Victorian Aids Council. They have free workshops to help people who has just came out. They also run a friendly monthly social group for Asian and their partners called Gay Asian Proud, GAP for short. The group activities is currently on hold as the group leader has moved on to another job. We are waiting for new appointment. Check the free community papers like MCV for directory of social groups.

There are many gay geeks out there. You Are Not ALONE.

vicaids.asn.au/peer-education-program

 

[NasiGoreng]

That is such a perfect website, mooncake. Thank you very much.

Have you benefited from the Victorian Aids Council yourself, by any chance? Mind to share your experience?

 

[mooncake]

I did the Young and Gay workshop soon after I came out. It was a wonderful experience to have a crash course in gay culture, lifestyle, community and safe sex. All in a safe and non-judgemental environment with people who are going through the same thing as you.

The workshop run in cycles and has limited space. I would recommend ringing them up as soon as you can to reserve your place for the next group. It run on premise which is less then 5 minutes walk from South Yarra station.

Regarding the GAP group, there's a Facebook page (search GAP Melbourne) you can join to keep up with up coming activity. Things we did in the past include movies, yum cha, BBQ, bring a plate to someone house, bowling etc.. It's fairly quiet at the moment but we are looking at organising a meet up soon. Hope to see you at the next meeting or Midsumma.

 

[NasiGoreng]

I just emailed both the Momentum and the GAP workshops. Here's hoping for the best, keeping my fingers crossed and everything.

Thanks again, Mooncake. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

Great post from Down Under. As for those of us who are Up Over (US), frankly, there is not really much difference: the gay community is just as diverse. I too do not share many of the stereotypical activities portrayed in the media, etc, but it doesn't stop me from getting together w/ those I share a common interest in, for one, sports.

Don't feel the pressure to have to get connected too soon to the gay community for those activities that don't appeal to you, take it slow, and over time you'll see there are more men just like you than you think. Some good advice from your Melbourne brothers on how to get connected to social groups. Good luck!

 

[mooncake]

I'm 31, Chinese from Vietnam. I told my partner about your situation. He guessed by your username that you are either Malaysian or Indonesian. How close is he? We have quiet a few Chinese Malay, Singapore, Viet, Thai, Hongkong, China, Indonesian... We occasionally get together with the Asian lesbian group called Yellow Kitty.

 

[NasiGoreng]

The support and help I get from this thread have been mid bogglingly awesome, I just want to say thank you to everyone who took some time to reply.

And mooncake, I am indeed Indonesian who has lived in Melbourne for a good 10 years now.

I emailed vicaids (both Mentor & GAP) a few days back but still haven't heard from them, is there any reason to be concerned? Do they usually read and reply to emails? I just don't feel comfortable speaking on the phone just yet so how much longer should I wait?

lol sorry if I sound a little impatient, but after waiting for so long I think I'm just a bit anxious to finally start out.

Tell me a bit more about your Yellow Kitty group though, is it in anyway associated with vicaids? sounds so awesome, how does one register / join?

 

[mooncake]

Alas, you have certain qualities that will disqualify you from joining yellow kitties - mainly the junk that is your trunk. yellow kitties is an Asian lesbian group that occasionally meets with gap for activities.

don't panic if you haven't heard from gap or VAC. they are probably still on closed as it is only the first week of the new year. either that or they are running on limited staff due to the holidays.

If you'd like us to introduce you to the VAC staff and even show you around (or be your Yoda and Obi-wan), mooncake and I are happy to meet you during the Midsumma Carnival Launch which is on the 16/1/11. Midsumma is the biggest queer festival of the year. just pm us so we can arrange to meet. no pressure. we're just happy to help as we've all been down the road your traveling on.

sincerely,
mooncake's Wooky.

 

[TomahawkEagle]

Hey NasiGoreng, welcome to JUB. Mate I see where you're coming from with the being in the closet for an eternity. I'm also 29 originally from Hong Kong but been in Oz for like 26 years and the Asian cultural background doesn't help. I only started to explore the gay community like a year ago slowly meeting new people.

What interests do you have, any sports or hobbies? I'm trying the meet as many people as I can through my network of friends. Results don't come quickly especially if you don't display the gay stereotype. I also try to find common interests with the people I meet whether this is strive for academic excellence or sport.

And just like mooncake said, it's the holiday season so the VAC and pretty much many other organisations are shut right now.

If you don't mind me asking, did you study at uni in Oz??

And mooncake, thanks for the info about GAP, didn't know such a group existed.

 

[NasiGoreng]

Mooncake : I've been thinking about going to the MidSumma Festival this year, but have absolutely nobody to go with, and thought that it would be kind of silly and pointless to just show up by myself and be all confused like a lost poodle.

So needless to say, your offer is like a miracle and I would be honored to have you as my Yoda / Obi-Wan. I will pm you my email so we can arrange stuff, if that's okay with you? I must warn you though, I'm very awkward and quiet and just damn confusing sometimes, and I'd also be nervous as hell so the awkwardness might be multiplied by about 100. I'm kind of sweating (and excited at the same time) just typing this right now! haha

TomahawkEagle: Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It's always nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what you're going through. Means alot. I don't have any gay friends, and have only now begun to actively seek them out.

I'm not much of a sports person. I love video games, I'm pretty much a nerd in every other area as well. I love movies and anything pop culture. I'm pretty much a foodie who loves going restaurant hopping with friends. I also love travelling and seeing new places and have been fortunate enough to be able to do just that in the past few years.

And professionally, I am a graphic designer, so I flourish on everything and anything that has to do with creativity and design.

So are you a member of the VAC as well? or any other community? What was your initial method in meeting new gay people and injecting yourself into this new world? I'm very interested to know.

 

[mooncake]

NasiGoreng, I still remember the feeling of first stepping onto Commercial Rd. I had a Golden Gaytime ice cream and giggle at the irony. Feel free to PM me or add me on Facebook.com/thangcuoi.

 

[AsianDream]

I've been thinking about going to the MidSumma Festival this year, but have absolutely nobody to go with, and thought that it would be kind of silly and pointless to just show up by myself and be all confused like a lost poodle.

In Melbourne there are loads of gay venues - quite a lot of other Asian guys go to bars like DTs and the Laird.

If I was just starting out - I'd go to one of the Saunas or sex clubs. Subway (near flinders St station) often has quite a lot of Asian guys there - though Wet on Wellington is the best gay sauna in MEL.

Personally - even guys who're planning to look for one "Mr Right" need to get some practice in sex first. Especially at a sauna or sex club (Club 80 is about the biggest) you're almost bound to get offers to play.

 

[NasiGoreng]

In Melbourne there are loads of gay venues - quite a lot of other Asian guys go to bars like DTs and the Laird.

If I was just starting out - I'd go to one of the Saunas or sex clubs. Subway (near flinders St station) often has quite a lot of Asian guys there - though Wet on Wellington is the best gay sauna in MEL.

Personally - even guys who're planning to look for one "Mr Right" need to get some practice in sex first. Especially at a sauna or sex club (Club 80 is about the biggest) you're almost bound to get offers to play.

Hi AsianDream.

At this point I'm neither looking for Mr Right nor sex. I'm just starting out so really my short term goal is just to make friends and meet people I can relate to and connect with that could hopefully give me a sense of belonging and also a better understanding of what being gay is all about.

Sex is awesome and inevitable ofcourse. But I'm hoping that being gay is so much more than that and I just don't want it to be the foundation of my initial friendships / relationships, you know?

Well anyways, I know you're just being nice and looking out for a confused guy like me so thank you for your suggestions and for contributing to this thread