3 Strikes

[kayman23]

Over the past few months, I've made some stark observations about my own personal situation and the things that seem to work against me in the pursuit of a relationshp:

1) I'm living in the South
2) A fluid bisexual (with more emotional-based attraction rather than overt sexual)
3) I'm black

Regardless, of how others feel or don't feel, these 3 factors seems to work the most against me. Now, before the dingbats of the Racial-bias Xpress jump on board, I don't really have a racial or ethnicity preference towards anybody. I've had crushes and attractions to guys of all racial and ethnic backgrounds.

But last week, I was talking with my cousin and a close friend about this and they even had to admit, that it does seems more difficult for me to find some guy that is worth while because of these 3 things.

Although, I live in the Deep South, I don't hide the fact that I am not straight. If a person inquires about my sexual orientation, I will reply with the truth. However, I seem to only encountered guys that are either closeted due to this region's culture and or serious racial issues (even from other black guys). I deal with these other factors in additon to the fact that I'm mature and relationship-oriented individual rather than one who is up for just random sex like most guys my age.

The ones who do hit on me are usually middle age to older white men hitting on me and soliciting me for only sex. As flattering as that is, I'm not the random sex type.

I've wondered how many others have encountered similar issues such as this from the South.

 

[boy0boy]

Well I can feel for some aspects of what you're going through. Mostly the whole, most people our age are barely finding themselves and usually want a hookup. Happens that I'm hispanic and I've come to see that most hispanics are really into the hookup scene. Now thats just general, obviously not everyone, just what I've seen.

To be honest it would be great to meet someone like you. I think we all have some assumptions about races and as for you getting hit on primarily by older white guys - it seems to be they want the "fantasy". I like the real thing and you sound like that.

Sorry this isn't much help or advice.. haha

 

[gameboy 11]

LOL Just because you're black, and bisexual and from the South, means next to nothing. I don't see why you aren't swatting worthy guys off of you if you're at least mildly attractive.

 

[-Ryan-]

ill have to quote myself from another thread

obviously the answer here is, YES.

for coming out of the closet, BLACKS definitely have the hardest time, bar none.

its called stereotypes, and the majority of the world [i.e. the idiots, morons, etc.] dont see past that.

unfortunately, thats the world we live in and it is COMPLETELY POINTLESS to try and even break out of stereotypes.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

LOL Just because you're black, and bisexual and from the South, means next to nothing. I don't see why you aren't swatting worthy guys off of you if you're at least mildly attractive.

What world do you inhabit?

 

[kayman23]

LOL Just because you're black, and bisexual and from the South, means next to nothing. I don't see why you aren't swatting worthy guys off of you if you're at least mildly attractive.

Maybe you aren't on the up and up on the typical stereotypes that have followed most black people in the US. Since you don't know, the most common notion is that black people are all ghetto, uneducated, thuggish people with nasty attitudes. Those of us that are queer, we are either undesired because of the mentioned stereotypes or viewed as a sexual fetish amongst queer men (including other blacks).

 

[Aflute04]

Oh Hunteo! You're pretty much my hero right now!

While I've made my preference known, I too feel that it's hard to get attraction towards me.

Being gay and black is a challenge. One would think that would make us more...desireable, but let's not go down that road

I guess maybe it's just a matter of thinking positive? Probably one of the hardest things to do, but I'm a fan of the thought that someone is out there waiting...

End, hopeless romantic rant

 

[boy0boy]

It really sucks when the men you feel you would be most likely to have a good shot at being in a relationship with live halfway across the country.
QUOTE]

Yeah, it seems this is a common link for lots of us unfortunately.

 

[kayman23]

Oh Hunteo! You're pretty much my hero right now!

While I've made my preference known, I too feel that it's hard to get attraction towards me.

Being gay and black is a challenge. One would think that would make us more...desireable, but let's not go down that road

I guess maybe it's just a matter of thinking positive? Probably one of the hardest things to do, but I'm a fan of the thought that someone is out there waiting...

End, hopeless romantic rant

I understand where you are coming from although I don't have a particular race/ethnicity preference. I think it is sociological thing with guys of other races/ethnicities as it seems that we may pose a "threat" as I've learned from Sociology. I learned in Sociology that there is a preceived "agression factor" that surrounds black males. I don't know how this stereotypical notion would still persist, but apparently it does.

This just translates towards sexual attractions within the queer fold, and many would rather avoid us rather than get to know us individually. Also it doesn't help that we live in the South, which has a notorious history of lack of understanding and perceived notions towards black males.

I agree we just have to keep a positive attitude and an open mind to hope that somebody will appreciate and enjoy our individual traits as people.

 

[Zildjian]

)
3) I'm black

But last week, I was talking with my cousin and a close friend about this and they even had to admit, that it does seems more difficult for me to find some guy that is worth while because of these 3 things.

I've wondered how many others have encountered similar issues such as this from the South.

I know that this has been a problem for me that I absolutely HATE. Given that I kept my physical stats [weight, height, and other measurements...], but changed my 'skin color' to that of my caucasian fellowmen, I'd have a date every freaking weekend!

But no, I'm cursed with this. No white or asian guy would even consider dating me [or at least going out with me], and I'm not attracted to the masses of other black guys out there who are wanna be thugs and gangster types.

Single for life.

 

[bluedragon4]

I know that this has been a problem for me that I absolutely HATE. Given that I kept my physical stats [weight, height, and other measurements...], but changed my 'skin color' to that of my caucasian fellowmen, I'd have a date every freaking weekend!

But no, I'm cursed with this. No white or asian guy would even consider dating me [or at least going out with me], and I'm not attracted to the masses of other black guys out there who are wanna be thugs and gangster types.

Single for life.

That was so sad!!! Don't feel that way!! I'm not in that boat so I can't really say anything. I do think you hit the nail on the head about why black men are not desired. The thug/gangster hard life attitude is so unattractive. I either see that or really fem black men. I do feel for you though. Bet u r a nice guy!

 

[Zildjian]

Bet u r a nice guy!

Oh, I am! I am, bluedragon!

I dress like decently [and somewhat preppy], take care of myself, and enjoy intelligent conversation.

 

[rareboy]

I think it is time for black gay power. You guys and your families and friends are the only ones who are going to change the cultural landscape. ain't gonna be easy, but you all have to start somewhere.

Remember it was just a group of sissies at the Stonewall riots that finally changed the world.

By the way, the hyper macho gangsta shit is soooooooooooo gay. Don't those fags know what they look like to the straight world????

 

[Oden_grey]

Who ever said life was fair anyway, kayman23? I tell you, if you think your life is miserable... what until you have age on top of your woes. Black and old... my God, there is no lowlier being in all of the gay universe.

I think you should just content yourself through advancement. I did, I have a B.S. and M.S. in engineering... looking toward another degree. I'm a pilot... I want to begin training to be an EMT, I picked up the cello a few months ago... etc. etc. Do good for yourself, make money and travel the world... make friends where you can, when you can. Most of the campy queers you want to be accepted by are just little people who spend more time in front of the mirror than doing good in the world. IMHO, people like that perpetuate the ills of our fallen world and make perfectly good people feel worthless and perfectly worthless, narcissistic people feel good.

I've lived my life hoping to be loved by a perfect stranger... in a way, I felt that would have validated my existence. Relationships are a blessing, but they also come with their problems. "Happily ever after" usually has a lot of bumps, uncertainty, and heartache involved. For now I like my freedom... I could pack everything and move to Europe tomorrow if I wish... can't be that spontaneous if I'm in a relationship.

My final advice to you is that regardless how lowly the world thinks you are... find happiness on your own terms. If someone tells you otherwise they are lying through their teeth. This world has a tendency of destroying people like us... don't let it do that to you. Use your obstacles as a stairway to a better, more fulfilling life.

 

[kayman23]

Who ever said life was fair anyway, kayman23? I tell you, if you think your life is miserable... what until you have age on top of your woes. Black and old... my God, there is no lowlier being in all of the gay universe.

I think you should just content yourself through advancement. I did, I have a B.S. and M.S. in engineering... looking toward another degree. I'm a pilot... I want to begin training to be an EMT, I picked up the cello a few months ago... etc. etc. Do good for yourself, make money and travel the world... make friends where you can, when you can. Most of the campy queers you want to be accepted by are just little people who spend more time in front of the mirror than doing good in the world. IMHO, people like that perpetuate the ills of our fallen world and make perfectly good people feel worthless and perfectly worthless, narcissistic people feel good.

I've lived my life hoping to be loved by a perfect stranger... in a way, I felt that would have validated my existence. Relationships are a blessing, but they also come with their problems. "Happily ever after" usually has a lot of bumps, uncertainty, and heartache involved. For now I like my freedom... I could pack everything and move to Europe tomorrow if I wish... can't be that spontaneous if I'm in a relationship.

My final advice to you is that regardless how lowly the world thinks you are... find happiness on your own terms. If someone tells you otherwise they are lying through their teeth. This world has a tendency of destroying people like us... don't let it do that to you. Use your obstacles as a stairway to a better, more fulfilling life.

I really appreciate your advice, Oden_grey, but I'm not looking for acceptance (from any group of people) rather just venting more or less. I'm actually quite content with myself and far from being miserable rather I just was piqued at the notion this seems to occur more often towards black males like myself, and felt it was of need of discussing.

Also I'm currently embarking on focusing on bettering myself with my plans on going to grad school immediately after getting my B.S. Thanks for the advices, though

Now back to the topic at hand.

 

[kayman23]

I think it is time for black gay power. You guys and your families and friends are the only ones who are going to change the cultural landscape. ain't gonna be easy, but you all have to start somewhere.

Remember it was just a group of sissies at the Stonewall riots that finally changed the world.

Yeah, but that would have to start with black folks first with acceptance of the fact that some people are queer. I don't seeing that rapidly changing anytime soon as most still see being gay/bi as a social stigma. A lot of that stigma is rooted in ignorance and it takes time for those realize that.

By the way, the hyper macho gangsta shit is soooooooooooo gay. Don't those fags know what they look like to the straight world????

Yeah, but I bascially see it as I see the "preppy/fratboy" subculture as just an aspect of life that I doubt will ever go away. I don't like neither (thug/gangsta or preppy/fratboy), but it is what is.

 

[rareboy]

Yeah, but that would have to start with black folks first with acceptance of the fact that some people are queer. I don't seeing that rapidly changing anytime soon as most still see being gay/bi as a social stigma. A lot of that stigma is rooted in ignorance and it takes time for those realize that.

As I said, so much of what we enjoy as equal rights today started at Stonewall and the march never stops. Society never changes if we don't change society. Somewhere out there, there has to be a black Baptist minister who understands that the ten Commandments and Christianity have nothing to say about homosexuality and will start to change the world. Somewhere there must be strong black men (unfortunately Obama appears not to be one of them), who will lead by example and declare that the macho hetero centric obsession is atavistic and counter-productive.

Until that day, we'll have to rely on you, one person at a time, trying to make a difference.

 

[unclaimedblessing]

It really sounds like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders when you should be able to enjoy your age and your life.
My response might be simplistic (or defeatist) but it sounds like you have to change your environment.
You can't change your race and a one man campaign won't help you or the cause, so the only option is moving somewhere that will be more compatible.
Atlanta is supposed to be a gay oasis in the South. Jobs are probably better than Alabamas and you'll still be close enough to go home on weekends if you want to.
Good luck, and I truly hope you find contentment and happiness.

 

[rareboy]

Yeah, but I bascially see it as I see the "preppy/fratboy" subculture as just an aspect of life that I doubt will ever go away. I don't like neither (thug/gangsta or preppy/fratboy), but it is what is.

I think that the preppy/fratboys know they look gay....

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Yup, I see your point.

Actually, from a very personal point of view, most people tend to see themselves as seriously disadvantaged at all the times.

A superhottie goes around typically bemoaning the fact that 'all other dudes want from him is sex. No one takes him seriously as a person. They only want his bod'.

A guy, fully loaded with cash typically bemoans the fact that 'all other people want from him is his money. No one wants his love.'

A number of the gay guys I know, in San Francisco, CA are bemoaning the fact that they live in one of the world's gay capitals. No one takes anyone seriously anymore, they say. Everyone is looking for an even better match at all the times. No one takes any relationship seriously. Yaahda, yaahda...

I have recently caught myself bemoaning the fact that I live in 3 of my homes with long hours of flying among them. Gee, life is full of hardship.

Actually, all of the above is true.

It all boils down to what you do about it.

If Deep South is not your definition of a very supportive environment, spread your wings and move on. Yup, there are more supportive places for being fluidly bisexual than the South.

If your being fluidly bisexual turns down most people you would be normally interested in dating, start adapting yourself to your prospective partners. Eventually, the fittest always survive and usually flourish.

Race has always been an issue and will continue to be one for many more generations to come. So will be the matters of age, orientation, wealth, body image, etc.. You want to develop strategies that would allow you to live and live happily with who you are and what you can achieve as opposed to living under the rule of immutable facts of life.

Briefly, this is not about what is. This is about, what you can do to make it better for you.

SC