3somes in a LTR?

[CTorontoC]

I'm having a bit of a conundrum at the moment that I was hoping I could get some input on and hopefully resolve for myself. Basically, what it comes down to is that I've been dating a guy for 15 months now who I met on craigslist. We hit it off right away on our first date and since that day 15 months ago we've seen each other every single day except for maybe 10 or 15 of them and are in constant contact over the phone. We've gone to other parts of the world together, we consider ourselves to be engaged even though he's still waiting for my formal proposal (it's a lot harder when the person knows you're going to propose cuz any time you go out for a nice dinner it's just assumed so Im trying to be creative Lol). Anyways, the point is we are very much in love.

A little background about us individually:

Me: I am 24, I've been out for 2 years and this is my first real relationship. Prior to this I played the hookup game. When I decided I wanted something more I sought out someone to settle down with and after a few duds I found my prince.

BF: 19, out for as long as I have been to his friends and less time to his family. He has only had one partner of any sort before me and that was his ex who was a much older man and with whom he says he didn't really have a relationship, not in the context we have anyways.

We both agree that rather than cheat on one another, if it got to that point we'd break up with each other. That said, we've never had a real agreement on 3somes. I've always been in favor, he's been against. It's not that I want to go have a 3some every night but I wouldn't mind a little flavor every once and again. It wasn't much of an issue until recently. I've started having dreams and having urges to sleep with someone else. No one in particular, just something different. Part of it I think is that Im used to a flavor of the week type of lifestyle and have yet to overcome that part of me but the other part is that before I met my bf I was into some pretty wild stuff sexually. It's not that he's unwilling to do any of it with me but because of the loving, tender nature of our relationship there's no way I could conceive of him doing those things to me within the frame of our relationship.

To make matters worse, a good chunk of the guys I hooked up with in the past have been after me non-stop since I got together with my bf. He knows about all of them, we're both very open about our past. I see his ex regularly b/c they've kept in touch as friends and since I ended up becoming friends with a lot of the guys I slept with I've kept in touch with them. He's said he's cool with meeting them but when I brooch the subject of a potential 3 way he shuts me down pretty quick. He find it amusing when some of the guys message me and ask if I wanna come, "bend over," or why I dont bring my bf over for a 3way but it's more of a bemused kind of thing.

Tonight it came to the fore because one of said ex-fuck buddies suggested a 3way and in my current state of mind it seemed really appealing. I approached the bf about it and after some debate he basically held his position on the matter. He said he'd think about it but that was it. The thing is, when we'd been smoking up one night we were chatting with this guy on msn and my bf was going on and on about sleeping with him and how he wants to do it and how I should just get him high and he'll do anything. It almost seems like he wants to but he feels he can't and needs some sort of way to excuse his actions if he did.
It wasn't a fight or anything, we rarely fight and usually see eye to eye eventually on everything but it left me in an odd position.

I'm still young, I know I love this man and I want to be with him forever.. the problem.. forever is a long time. I don't know if I can go forever with just one cock... but I know if given the choice Id choose him over sex every time. Im not looking for advice on how to get him to go for the 3way, he has to decide he wants to do that on his own or I wont be ok with it. Im also not asking whether or not I should break it off over this, I know it's not close to worth it. My question is whether or not others have gone through this, if it's a normal feeling and how others have dealt with it? If it ends up that he stays firmly planted in the ground and I can never have sex with anyone else, but want to, how do I deal with that?
How do I handle the frustration of knowing that I could call any of four #s in my phone book and be getting laid within an hour but am not allowed to? I can't imagine Im the only one who's ever had to deal with it, what do others do?

A second question is for those in relationships who have tried 3 ways in those relationships. How did it go? Would you do it again? What were the parameters? Am I after something I really don't want in the end?

Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Just_Believe18]

You have an amazing, beautiful boyfriend who loves you and is committed to you and you can't respect the fact that he doesn't want a 3-some at this point in the relationship?

Is this 19 year-old not satisfying enough for you? Has the sex become infrequent? Why, after only 15 months, are you already dooming yourself to feel like he's the last "cock" you'll ever have?

If you consider yourself engaged, and want to spend the rest of your life with this boy, then you need to get over this selfish fantasy.. at least for now. Maybe in the future he'd be open to it, but right now, he's happy enough with you. I find this pressure you've been putting on him to be very unfair, if not cruel out of respect to the love you have with each other.

 

[Seasoned]

I have some advice. Break it off with past fuck buddies. That is a huge issue. If 3-ways are something you guys agree to it ought to be with totally new tricks. Get rid of those phone numbers. Your partner is young. Teach him as to what you like. Find videos that show it.

My partner and I have not done three ways. We have talked about it at times and decided against it. Every time we have been glad that we avoided it.

How do you go from tramp to loyal spouse? Should you follow that path? Those questions will have to be answered by the two of you. But for now it seems you need at least some fantasy role-play.

The joy of a gay relationship is the ability to define it as the two of you wish. Don't pressure him and do forget the old fuck buddies. It demeans him and gives way too much power to these other guys.

 

[CTorontoC]

You have an amazing, beautiful boyfriend who loves you and is committed to you and you can't respect the fact that he doesn't want a 3-some at this point in the relationship?

Is this 19 year-old not satisfying enough for you? Has the sex become infrequent? Why, after only 15 months, are you already dooming yourself to feel like he's the last "cock" you'll ever have?

If you consider yourself engaged, and want to spend the rest of your life with this boy, then you need to get over this selfish fantasy.. at least for now. Maybe in the future he'd be open to it, but right now, he's happy enough with you. I find this pressure you've been putting on him to be very unfair, if not cruel out of respect to the love you have with each other.

Well I think you're being unfair here. I went out of my way to try and explain that that is not the situation. The sex is good, frequent and passionate. Yes it's much tamer than what I used to do but I don't dislike it. I've just been having an urge to sleep with others, I can't control my urge to do that any more than you can control the urge to go to the bathroom, it just comes. I asked how I should deal with the feelings and get over the issue not how to get him to agree to it. I also don't put pressure on him to do it. It almost never comes up as a topic but it did tonight and it turned into a full conversation on the subject and he basically ruled it out. I accepted that and asked how I proceed with my feelings now. Maybe I wasn't articulate enough I don't know but that's the situation.

Is it bad of me to want this after only 15 months? I don't know. To be honest, I wanted it much sooner than that. I think, as I mentioned, that part of it is the type of sex we have vs. the type I used to have. I just don't see us having that kind of power exchange situation, at least not with him in control. He's younger than I am, and outside of being the top most of the time he's usually content and even eager to let me take the leading role. I care for him, help him when he's feeling down, make our plans etc. I actually wanted to have the reverse role in any relationship I was in and sought out someone a bit older than myself initially but the connection my bf and I had was too strong to let age be a factor. As things developed though it was clear that our ages created a dynamic which would make him being in control even just in bed a very odd situation, awkward even... which leads into your comments soreknees.

I thought about fantasy roleplay but I just don't know how the two of us could pull it off. I would find it weird to have that sort of scenario with him and I think he would too. I don't disagree with any potential 3way being with someone new, but that introduces new concerns for us. Firstly, I know he's into the guys Ive already slept with and finding guys we agree on can be tough. Secondly, I can be reasonably certain that my friends don't have any STDs and even though wed use protection that is still a worry with an unknown. Lastly, these people are my friends, some of them quite close and I couldn't just ditch them. I don't think it would be particularly fair either since I've had to endure his ex all this time. Most of my former fuck buddies are in the city I went to school in and not here so he hasn't even met most. So maybe a different person if we ever had a 3rd but I don't think I'd be willing to just drop them as friends. I'd sooner tell them it was not going to happen ever and just be done with it than toss them out.

How do you go from tramp to loyal spouse?

I would hardly refer to myself as having been a tramp ... and I don't think it's fair to label everyone who's ever slept around as being one. Just because I chose to fuck guys who I wasn't necessarily committed to doesn't make me a slut. It's not as though I was running around sleeping with men indiscriminately. Anyways, that's another issue.

I'd love for someone who's been in my position to chime in!

 

[Seasoned]

I wasn't referring to you as a tramp and I'm sorry for the inference. I was using the collective you, meaning any of us. As I say my partner and I toyed with the idea and came close a number of times. In the end we did other hot things to keep the sex fresh and fun. Again, and trust me on this, dump the old fuck buddies.

 

[CTorontoC]

I wasn't referring to you as a tramp and I'm sorry for the inference. I was using the collective you, meaning any of us. As I say my partner and I toyed with the idea and came close a number of times. In the end we did other hot things to keep the sex fresh and fun. Again, and trust me on this, dump the old fuck buddies.

No worries then I just assumed because it seems like a lot of folks on here are super-anti anything outside a relationship no matter what lol.

Without being too specific, could you give me a general idea of what was missing and what sort of things you did to keep it fun and fresh?

 

[Seasoned]

I know what you mean about judgemental types. Let me tell you something about advice--take what you like and leave the rest. First, I'd like to tell you why I think you should give up people you had sex with. You and your boyfriend will argue one day, or you'll get pissed, or he'll hurt you, etc. It will be all to easy to be human and run to the waiting dick of one of these hot guys. At least one of which is bringing up the topic from time to time.

Now, secondly, and this is specific, and this suited our taste, so I'm not suggesting this for anyone else: backroom sex with each other, "public" sex, whipping it out at home or in the car, role play, including "picking up" each other, or being "a delivery guy" at the door, paying for it like using a rent boy, watching porn or TV where one of us just nurses, hand job on an airplane, doing each other at a gloryhole, etc. Now you know who's the tramp!! What seemed to be missing was the excitement of doing something naughty. BTW, pm me anytime. I'd like to see your relationship work.

 

[DonSade]

Urges are like any other thing... and they are controllable. You have two choices:

1- Act on them.

2- Train yourself to "repress" them to stop them from continuing and prevent them from some day driving you.

How do you achieve 2? Focusing on other things and paying attention to what really needs it. If you keep going over this so much you'll end up putting a strain on your relationship and possibly end it or maybe predispose yourself to cheat on your partner if the opportunity somehow arises. Plus, you don't know how things might change between you two after a threesome if he some day agrees to it... it's risky business.

Just let it go man. He might feel pressured by the fact that you insist on talking about the subject (if it keeps coming up in conversations it's for a reason, someone is trying to convince someone here!). And if it gets too tough to handle then, you might not be as cut out to be in a closed relationship after all then...

As for your former fuck-buddies now friends, I think they're downright disrespectful. They need limits and it's obvious you haven't imposed them properly yet. If they keep insisting it's only because you haven't given them a definitive stop sign. I wouldn't ditch them, just ask them to back off. They probably are the ones influencing you into thinking you might need this anyway.

We all get urges to do things we used to do when we remember them sometimes but that doesn't mean we run and do them right away and let them drive our actions and emotions. I think you're making a bigger deal out this than you probably should. Respect his decision and as soreknees suggested, look for things to make things more interesting between you two. Be spontaneous, show him your wilder side for old times sake. If there's anyone you should be sharing this with it's him. Make him feel appreciated and desired. He might feel a little unappreciated by your "Yes to threesome" stance.

Sadly in a relationship, it takes two to tango: if one says no, it's a no and end of story (specially on sexual matters).

 

[KaraBulut]

A second question is for those in relationships who have tried 3 ways in those relationships. How did it go? Would you do it again? What were the parameters? Am I after something I really don't want in the end?

The problem with three ways- especially three ways that involve one of your former sex partners - is that jealousy and attraction are very hard to keep out of the equation.

Some couples try to overcome this by setting all sorts of rules- that they can only do it as a couple, neither party is allowed to see "the third" away from the bedroom or it just has to be a one-night stand. In spite of these sorts of rules, I've seen lots of cases where the one of the partners ending up leaving the relationship to be in a relationship with "the third".

Your boyfriend is saying he's not ready for three-ways. You should respect that and not push him on the issue.

How do I handle the frustration of knowing that I could call any of four #s in my phone book and be getting laid within an hour but am not allowed to? I can't imagine Im the only one who's ever had to deal with it, what do others do?

I am not being judgmental here but I do want to point out something to you about your story. It sounds very much like people I've known with alcohol issues who stop drinking but still want to hang out with their old drinking buddies. This doesn't work very well... partially because it's difficult to avoid temptation when your buddies are still doing it and partially because commitment to a new lifestyle also means getting rid of an old lifestyle.

The question is why this compulsion around sex? And why are so many of your former fuck-buddies so intimately involved in your life. If you're really committed to this relationship, maybe it's not your boyfriend that needs to change. Maybe it's time you took a look at why you want to get laid and the reasons behind some of your past behavior.... before it spoils the good thing that you've got going with your boyfriend.

 

[TX-Beau]

LOL, Oh the memories. Cold Feet? Ok so you sound pretty much just like I did when I got into my first real relationship.

I’ll take the tramp label. I was having a great time sleeping around, then found a guy who wanted a monogamous relationship. I wanted him so I jumped in. Then I started thinking just what you’re thinking.

The answer is, you just suck it up. You have to get over thinking that there are things you can do with other guys you can’t do with him. If you can’t see your boyfriend tying you to the bed and using you as a pig slave, but you can see other men in that role. It sounds like you’ve got him up on a bit of a pedestal, which is cute, but ultimately unworkable.

If you’ve been used to a lot of variety it’s going to take a while to get used to something different. Just remember, variety is pretty much instant gratification with very few emotional hang-ups. You no longer have that luxury; you have the luxury of having a guy who’s not going to slip out at 4 a.m. If he says no, that means no. Don’t pressure him into doing anything before he’s ready, and he’s 19, he may not be ready for years to come, if ever.

Open relationships, or ones with added sexual partners require mountains of self-confidence, trust, and maturity on both sides. Before you go that route, maybe you should give him a little education in what you want. You may find it’s more satisfying playing out your fantasies with him than it is with strangers.

I have to disagree somewhat with Kara, some guys – like me – just have a really high sex drive. That doesn’t meant you’ve got some self-destructive compulsion about sex.

Anyway, you sound fairly level headed. I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out. Just remember, don’t push, never push. Discuss is fine, joke is fine. But don’t push.

Oh and don’t cheat either, not that I think you will, just general advice. If you feel the need to sleep around so strongly that you’re going to cheat, then your relationship is already over.

 

[DarkHelios]

Part of it I think is that Im used to a flavor of the week type of lifestyle and have yet to overcome that part of me but the other part is that before I met my bf I was into some pretty wild stuff sexually. It's not that he's unwilling to do any of it with me but because of the loving, tender nature of our relationship there's no way I could conceive of him doing those things to me within the frame of our relationship.

Doing wild, sexual stuff with your partner doesn't make your relationship any less loving and tender. I don't know what things you're talking about specifically, but if he'd like to do them with you, I see no reason not to.

Beyond that, try to be honest with yourself about how much you want the occasional threesome, because it sounds like he's unlikely to change his mind on it. If you're okay with not having threesomes, then I suggest you actually tell yourself in your head that you're not having anymore. As long as you consider it a possibility, then it's probably easier to be tempted.

If on the other hand you find that it's really something you would like as a part of your relationship, maybe this isn't the right guy for you.

 

[TX-Beau]

BTW, freaking over the terrifying specter of having only one more sexual partner for the rest of your life is extremely normal for guys about to commit. Straight or gay, I've heard this from most of my friends I've seen in this situation. It's kinda cute actually.

This is why they invented the bachelor party.

 

[CTorontoC]

Now, secondly, and this is specific, and this suited our taste, so I'm not suggesting this for anyone else: backroom sex with each other, "public" sex, whipping it out at home or in the car, role play, including "picking up" each other, or being "a delivery guy" at the door, paying for it like using a rent boy, watching porn or TV where one of us just nurses, hand job on an airplane, doing each other at a gloryhole, etc. Now you know who's the tramp!! What seemed to be missing was the excitement of doing something naughty. BTW, pm me anytime. I'd like to see your relationship work.

Thanks for the examples, the advice and the offer It's a lot to consider but good advice. Im not sure if I can break it off entirely with my old friends, some of them, the more insistent ones I pretty much have but the ones, like the one I referred to earlier, who don't really push the issue I don't see as problematic and as they are my only gay friends that are MY friends and not OUR friends they are really the only ones I can talk to when I have gay issues involving my bf or just to discuss stupid things that young gay guys discuss. Most of the time if I need to talk I go to my bf but obviously I can't talk to him, about him. My str8 friends never seem to get it which I can understand, so I can't really voice off to them.
I'll have to think long and hard about it.

if it gets too tough to handle then, you might not be as cut out to be in a closed relationship after all then...

I really hope this isn't the reality. I've considered it though, and thought that perhaps I hadn't finished my wild times when I got into this but the thought of living without my bf is beyond upsetting. My parents would know to be on suicide watch if he left me. That's why I came here looking for advice, I really don't want this to be something that could tear us apart or even just tear me apart internally.

Kara: I think the scenario you mentioned is one that worries us both even me. I don't think it would happen that way but I guess anything is possible. The guy I had in mind is out of town, 2 hrs away and not a viable dating option for either of us but I guess it's really one of those, you don't know till you try it things.

As for why Im after sex.. well, I'm fortunate to be smart enough to divine my own problems and the reasons behind them but unfortunately, human enough not to be able to change the way my head is wired. I know a lot of it is my way of getting validation. I had an awful childhood and awful things continued to happen throughout my life up until pretty recently. (In fact, in seeing a therapist after the car accident that almost killed me, we started to discuss some of my other issues and he basically told me I was right to be depressed cuz I'd had a shit life. I don't think shrinks are even supposed to do that but I guess he figured I could handle it. The next step was helping me find ways to ignore the feelings I was having because they were unlikely to ever go away, probably the same thing here.) I lost my virginity very young (12) but it wasn't until I hit university that I really blossomed and all of a sudden I was a hot commodity. It felt damn good to be wanted and wanted very badly, to be told I was hot, to be told I was the best sex someone had ever had, to be told that so and so would leave his bf for me. I get a rush every time one of the old fbs asks me to come to his bed because I know, sad as this is, that it's something I'm good at. I mean, I freaked out when I gained a few lb after my surgery (almost died there too yay!) because I was worried guys wouldn't look at me anymore. It's messed up, but I came by it honestly.

TX-Beau: I'm glad I am not the only one that's gone through this and it's good to hear it can be overcome. Im not going to push the issue, and if he comes around and decides it's what he wants to then we'll do it, if not then I guess I'll have to live with it. Im not sure about trying the crazier stuff in bed with him yet but I'll think on that too.

Thanks!

 

[KaraBulut]

I have to disagree somewhat with Kara, some guys – like me – just have a really high sex drive. That doesn’t meant you’ve got some self-destructive compulsion about sex.

It felt damn good to be wanted and wanted very badly, to be told I was hot, to be told I was the best sex someone had ever had, to be told that so and so would leave his bf for me. I get a rush every time one of the old fbs asks me to come to his bed because I know, sad as this is, that it's something I'm good at. !

There's always reasons and it sounds like you've given some thought to those reasons.

The problem with looking to others to find your own self-esteem is that it makes you dependent upon a resource that is not constant.

If your self-esteem is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom, you can expend a lot of energy trying to find people to fill it up with water for you. Or you can stop the leak by covering the hole (no pun intended).

There's nothing wrong with sex or enjoying sex. But there's something to be said for having someone in your life that has a larger function than just being the waterboy. If you've found that relationship, give it the attention and respect that it deserves. You're fortunate.

Open relationships, or ones with added sexual partners require mountains of self-confidence, trust, and maturity on both sides. Before you go that route, maybe you should give him a little education in what you want. You may find it’s more satisfying playing out your fantasies with him than it is with strangers.

The answer is, you just suck it up. You have to get over thinking that there are things you can do with other guys you can’t do with him. If you can’t see your boyfriend tying you to the bed and using you as a pig slave, but you can see other men in that role. It sounds like you’ve got him up on a bit of a pedestal, which is cute, but ultimately unworkable

On this, we agree.

 

[Lube]

Considering how widespread--nay, how pervasive--open relationships are in the gay community, I'm surprised at the responses you're getting here. Pretty judgmental lot, all of a sudden.

Disclaimer: I'm in a monogamous relationship, and always have. But I don't feel it has to be this way. Since coming out, I've talked with (and had 3-ways with!) guys in open relationships.

Some, perhaps most, open relationships are excuses for failing relationships. So some people have really negative feelings toward them. But I've met a few guys in open relationships that worked beautifully.

Of course, both guys have to want the open relationship, and it seems to be best started at the beginning. As TX-Beau said, it takes tons of trust and commitment. It's a very special bond, indeed.

And I'll repeat the advice others have given you, that you should indeed explore more with your current boyfriend. Loving sex and kinky sex are in no way mutually exclusive.

But, ultimately, I think your need for more interesting sex will drive you and your bf apart. If he's perfectly happy with the existing sex, and unable to move on; and you're dying for a kinkier, multiply-partnered/open-relationship sex life; you two are not a good sexual match.

Neither of you is wrong; you're just wired differently.

A loving, emotionally-satisfying relationship is great. A hot-sex relationship is great. But the longest lasting relationships are those that involve both.

(And in terms of the articles and books referenced above... Keep in mind that these are recent theories from a few researchers, and are nothing like a fully-vetted theory like evolution. As one of the book reviewers commented: This is interesting stuff, but don't base relationship advice on it.)

 

[Lube]

The thing is, when we'd been smoking up one night we were chatting with this guy on msn and my bf was going on and on about sleeping with him and how he wants to do it and how I should just get him high and he'll do anything. It almost seems like he wants to but he feels he can't and needs some sort of way to excuse his actions if he did.

I agree with you there. But you need to tread carefully.

Rather than do it when it's out of his control (when he's stoned or drunk), get him to realize that it's OK to want to try these things.

Is there anyone that he respects who is in an open relationship? Start a conversation about it with him and them.

 

[tonyboy]

Just face it.. You are not yet ready to be on a commited relationship...

Nothing wrong with that at all.. just don't lead your 19 year b/f on.. He seems to be more traditional than you are... and I'm not dissing you at all.. But keep in mind his desires and what he wants.

If you want to mess around with past b/f then do it.. just don't drag him in to it.

Sorry man, but you cannot have it both ways.. Either you are commited to this young guy are your are not... He seems to want to be with you exclusivley... you seem not to want that..

I'd say you should let him go to find his life with some that only wants him.
Don't be selfish.. if you love him as you say, then let him go.

Seems you are not yet ready to settle down.. that is fine and dandy man... just don't drag this guy in to it. He seems to love you.. you seem to like him for the sex but want more than he can give you.

You are a damned handsome guy and no doubt this guy loves you... and seems that you have many other guys that want to have sex with you..
Go for it if you want to.

You may be a good guy.. I don't know you aside from what you've written on this post..
If I were your younger mate I'd leave you in a flash.

A LTR means a long term realtionship.. meaninng that it's a true relationship with one guy... yeah, same as straight people have....

 

[CTorontoC]

Hmm quite a few really depressing analysis there. I can say one thing that wont happen is that I wont break up with him because of this. No offense to folks who have given that advice but it is really quite silly. That's like saying, my boyfriend wants a dog, I don't want a dog, eventually it will drive us apart, therefore we should preempt that and split up. I don't know how many of you are in or have been in relationships, but do you leave a guy every time you don't agree on one thing? Outside of me wanting an occasional dalliance, we have an absolutely beautiful relationship and I don't think either of us would be willing to let the other go, especially not over this. I guess what Im saying is that breaking up isn't an option which is why I asked for advice on how to handle myself, not on how to handle him.

At any rate, we talked it over again, the matter is settled. We're going to try some kinkier stuff and see how it goes. I mean, we still have sex one to two times a day and I love it, I just had a strong fantasy of having a third involved. You don't break up with someone because they wont live out your every fantasy. On re-thinking it, that is awful advice. I bet 99% of the folks posting here in relationships still watch porn or check guys out, everyone has fantasies. Maybe you don't think to act on them but when you watch porn you are engaging in other person fantasies as well. We both accepted that I probably WASN'T really ready for a LTR when we got together but it's something I am committed to now and something I wouldn't want to let go of. Sorry if it seems like Im coming off as defensive but I find the idea of breaking up with him offensive.

My younger mate hasn't left me in a flash because our bond is stronger than that. We can have discussions about things we disagree on without fighting and going our separate ways. He knows that I still love him and he knows that we both view sex in different ways. He sees sex as intimately tied to a relationship, I see sex as a natural impulse to procreate which is completely separate from any emotional bond. I don't love him any less just because I want to have sex with someone else, and the fact that I don't see sex the same way he does makes that easier to accept.

You are a damned handsome guy

Thank you!

At any rate, I think I've found my answer.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

I can give you some real world experience. My partner and I have been together for 12 years. We were together about a year or a year and a half and we messed around with my ex-fb. It takes a lot of communication to make this work. I am going to emphasis LOTS OF COMMUNICATION.

You have to find out why your bf doesn't want to do 3's. It is because he's afraid of losing you, not attracted to the same person (this is usually our issue).

We have done 3's throughout our relationship. My bf was like your's, he needed to be inebriated to do it, but he loves it. We actually talked to our counselor about this. He liked to do it WHEN he wanted to do it and under his control, but then I couldn't do it. It was a control thing. We have worked past this and MANY other issues that come up in a relationship, but it's because we TALKED about it, with a buzz and sober (often alcohol can loosen people up and let them talk about some of the inner thoughts). NOTE: BF is 19, don't know what the drinking age is in Toronto, but I am not condoning you providing alcohol.

So just keep talking to him and when you guys are smoking and he finds someone hot, be open to who HE wants. That could get the ball rolling for you.

Sounds like you are talking and so that's the best plan, and I would bet you get what you want (bf and the extra spice).

Good Luck!

 

[chance1]

Toronto,

My bf and I have been dating a little over a year - the idea of a 3some or 4some has come up - often when we go dancing at clubs we're approached - it seems like there is a culture or large contingent of guys who love doing it with couples - and couples who approach boys in clubs for get togethers

i have not had a ton of experience and so i am very much attracted to other guys - like u said it is involuntary and IMO does not lessen my love for my bf - he was concerned that my not letting me "experiment" or "experience" that i would resent HIM - which is not the case - or at least i don't feel like he is holding me back

i am very open about my feelings - he is less so - so when he told me that he too had urges for sex with others i felt terrible - as if i was not providing enough for him - even though i had the same urges - crazy i know

so ur bf may be feeling that way - that ur desire for others is somehow a "complaint" against him - maybe

bottom line for my situation is we might do it - but we would both have to want to do it - and agree with whom - and i think doing it with prior bfs or fuck buddies - is nuts - if either of u has a connection with the 3rd party ......... that seems dicey to me

i know couples who have 3somes and couples who don't - i don't know which relationships r better or if that specific part of the relationship is the primary reason for good/bad

i think if u communicate thoroughly and honestly and both u and ur bf r on the same page great

if not .................... trouble lies ahead

glad ur kinking it u with him in lieu of the 3rd party thing - that's awesome

best of luck

relationships r hard - but well worth it