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5 Year Agony

TX-Beau said:
So why not have fun with it, walk away from the obsessions - and obsessions of this kind are almost always not about love or loyalty - go meet a lot of guys, date around a bit, just live your life and prepare yourself to take advantage of anything that might pop up.
Click to expand...

I don't know about the OP but I wonder how many of these unrequited love cases are masculine guys who simply can't find other men like them and end up obsessing about the only close calls they ever had.

I've dated. Had a boyfriend. Went to lots of gay bars, met lots of gay people through friends as well. And yet when I want to hang out with people, it's pretty much only my straight male friends. Not because I want to fuck them but because I have nothing in common with gay men. They seem too heteronormative, with me thinking I'm perhaps the only genuine homo in the world.

So given the lack of alternatives now, it's not much of a surprise I or other people end up "reminiscing" about times when we almost had what we wanted.

Anyways, just my two cents.
 
Just a little update: I called "Ben" today (haven't talked since November) and he seemed very calm. Explained he wasn't gay, despite people around him who say he is/could be, and just used to seek me out because he admired me as a person he could use as a true friend in his life.

I felt truly at calm and at peace after the call. Really ready to appreciate him as a friend with no ulterior motive. Like neatly packaged closure.

But a few hours afterward, I started crying for a long time. I think I cried because I was afraid that being friends again would fuel the obsession, which wouldn't be fair to him or to myself. Anyway, I also don't want to push him away again so the best I can do is be kind and civil to him as best as possible. I want to be mature and balanced, not this crazy obsessed person. After all, it's not like he kissed me or had sex with me; so from where I stand it doesn't look like I was maliciously lead on (other than all the misunderstandings from third parties that kept hope alive for years).

This experience also made me realize I need to work on coming out and loving myself better. I'm out to several people, but not on a wide scale. With a little more introspection I uncovered a surprising amount of inner homophobia, fear of being alone, not being good enough for anyone, and fear of inability to fall in love with someone who will love me back. This will take some time to work through but hopefully I come out of it much better and confidently. I'm trying to make myself remember that mature love is always a two way street. Also, I hope that once I recover from this (because it won't be gone in a day), I never experience anything like this ever again.

Once again thanks for your support everyone; and for those of you that are spiritual, I ask for your prayer/good thoughts in this endeavor.
 
Good luck on this journey.

It sounds like you are making progress.
 
This is a happy ending. trust me.
 
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