5 years of I don't know what

[sparkylb24]

So I've been seeing someone for over five years now. Not very frequently as we live in different countries normally, but we travel to meet up once or twice a year all around the US and Canada. The beginning was very intimate and sensual. I think I became too attached and slowed things quite a bit.

The next few times weren't quite as good as before as we sometimes argued, but we still always had sex.

Then about two years ago we met up again. Had an incredible night. There was drinking involved, but we talked about life, adopting a son together, would you move, etc. as we were falling asleep, he said I love you.

I was shocked because it's the 3 words I've always wanted him to day more than anything in this world. I was literally speechless. Because of that, he had to ask if I loved him, I said yes, of course.

The next time we met up, we were at a golf tournament. So a few days together. We had fun, sex, some serious dinner talks. But it wasn't the same. I brought up him saying he loved me and he back tracked. Said he probably shouldn't have said it and was sorry because I've been nothing but honest and a good guy to him.

I was devastated. I wrote all of my feeling out for him and sent him the best love letter I've ever written. Because I know he's the only person I ever want to spend my life with. He said how great I was and basically put me in the friend zone.

I accepted it because he's a great guy and I really want him in my life forever.

I went to his current hometown a month ago and it was just buds hanging out type of stuff. Awkward, but we still had fun.

Then this week, he came to my home for a few days for the first time. We had a fantastic few days capped off by what dw both said was maybe the best night of our lives (front row at justin timberlake). In the cab home after he said the nicest most complimentary things anyone has ever said to me. We held hands the whole way home and he would sometimes kiss my hand. This trip we cuddled and slept together each night, but no sex. Some kissing nearly led to sex the final night, but he consciously stopped himself.

Now, I don't know what to do. My heart breaks everyday that I'm not with him. I'm sitting up at night wanting to text or call do badly that I'm sick, but I don't want to step over any lines and scare him away of ruin what we have.

I'm in the closet, so I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm do sick and so sad without him I don't know what to do. I would give up anything for him.

I'm considering coming out to my Mom this week, because I think it's time, I'm 31. I also just really want someone to tell my truth to and about the love of my life.

Any advice if anyone's still reading?

 

[sparkylb24]

He always talks about how he loves that I'm stable and smart. He is sick of dating immature guys. Maybe he's afraid to get serious with me, because it would actually be serious and he knows I'd make it happen?

 

[aaggii]

If you dont have at least some plans for one to move next to or with the other, things are kind of complicated. I was in the same situation with my boyfriend (different countries), we skyped daily for a year and only saw each other once before I moved in with him but only because I needed to finish my studies first. We had it pretty clear after chatting for some time. Now we live together for a year and a half and things are going well, with your average problems, of course. Now, you do that for 5 years which is a pretty long time. You have to ask him if he would like to get serious because what is happening at the moment is not satisfying for you and if you both want to make the commitment, one of you will have to change his life. But if things are not going your way, I remind you that you´re young once and time is flying, so make sure you won´t regret your decisions later.

 

[KaraBulut]

If you dont have at least some plans for one to move next to or with the other, things are kind of complicated.

^This.

So I've been seeing someone for over five years now. Not very frequently as we live in different countries normally, but we travel to meet up once or twice a year all around the US and Canada. The beginning was very intimate and sensual. I think I became too attached and slowed things quite a bit.

This is a friendship with benefits. The two of you have feelings for each other beyond the friendship but because of the circumstances, it has little chance of progressing beyond that. Your friend knows that and it probably has a lot to do with why he's holding back. You're miserable and hurting because you can't be with him- why would he choose to feel that way, too?

Your choices are to either accept the relationship for what it is or make the changes to find out whether you could be more than friends. If both of you aren't willing to make changes so that you spend more time together, then there's really not much point in agonizing and making each other miserable over "what could be".

There's not much to be gained by focusing on whether he meant he loved you. He said it and he meant it. Accept that for what it is. Don't keep looking for constant reassurance and don't keep pressuring him.

The common thing with a lot of this is that you're in an emotional space about things that you cannot change. You can either spend your life being miserable over what could be or you can enjoy what sounds like a good friendship. And as long as this is a long-distance FWB, you should not close the door to dating other people. You should have relationships with people who you can spend time with.

I'm considering coming out to my Mom this week, because I think it's time, I'm 31. I also just really want someone to tell my truth to and about the love of my life.

Again, you're in an emotional place, so think a bit about why you want to come out to your mom. If you want to do it so that you can have a closer and more honest relationship with her, then yes, you should. If you're coming out to her because of all the upset and confusion in your life, then you need to give some thought to whether now is the right time.

 

[eastofeden]

Well...I just want to give you a hug

I wish I had some good advice for you...it seems as though this is unfolding as things will and anything can happen.

The one thing I can offer if that it might be a good idea to at least tell someone you trust so it will be a bit easier when you have someone to talk to about it. It is good that you let it out here though and there are a lot of people who will listen....good luck to you!

 

[sparkylb24]

Some good advice. You're all probably right that I need to try to continue to live my life and if it's meant to be it will be. I just can't seem to do that. I try to find other people and when I do, I get bored and uninterested. Just keep thinking about him. I literally have thought about him at least once every day since we met.

 

[sparkylb24]

As for coming out to my mom, maybe you're right. Maybe I should wait until I'm a little less fragile. I basically want to tell her because I need a hug and a cry with my mom because I'm hurting. But that may not be something she'd be so instantly willing to offer after telling her I'm gay

 

[Seasoned]

At 31 it would benefit you to be out to someone other than your friend. You'll have to decide whether or not it ought to be your mom.

Once you're no longer afraid of being outed you might take more local risks meeting people. Having a non-sexual very infrequent romantic relationship sounds painful and torturous. Those facts might even have contributed to an unrealistic, romanticized image of this guy. Is he out?

He has now chosen to make this a non-sexual relationship. I don't see much else for you to do other than moving on. I'm assuming he has.

I'm sorry you're suffering. Best wishes.

 

[sparkylb24]

He's out to some friends and pretty much out in his current city. His family doesn't know however. And I don't know how to move on. Not sure that I ever want to. I can't imagine loving anyone else.

 

[sparkylb24]

Ok. I think I'm going to come out tomorrow to my Mom. I can't stop thinking about needing to come out to someone. I really want to tell my 2 best friends as well, but I'm terrified of their reaction. I am leaving the country for a month on Saturday, so I guess if it doesn't go well, at least I'll be gone! Wish me luck, I'm really going to need it. I'm terrified

 

[bruce379]

Good luck bro. I hope everything turns out fine.

Give us an update eventually. It's always encouraging to hear from people on their journey in life.

 

[sparkylb24]

Ok. Just got back from lunch with mom. I couldn't do it at the lunch table. When we were walking out I said can you get in my car for a minute. I then told her everything. She cried, gave me a big hug and told me she loved me so much and was so proud of me for telling her. That all she wants in this world is for me to be happy and that she was sorry I felt like I couldn't tell her or anyone else sooner. It was still really odd for me to talk to my mom about a man that I love and what's been going on for so long, but it was also very helpful. I finally have someone in this world that knows everything about me and still loves me no matter what. Whew.

 

[aaggii]

Congrats! I´m glad your mom responded so well to the news