a 5 year old scar...

[kijadeleon]

Um for starters. Hi. Im new and all but I need some guidance... since I can't seem to get it from my straight-yet-accepting friends.

back when I was in the 9th grade. I was practically having a hard time with bullies. I got picked on because I Was the quiet one. So I didn't really have a friend to talk to at school. they were just class mates. Until my landlord's son and I met for the first time. I totally liked him from the start. I thought he was perfect in every way!

He caught me spying on him as he was lifting weights in his back yard. I was painfully shy back then ( Im still a little shy . ) anyways he caught me looking at him once and the next thing I know he's inviting me to go downstairs with him I tried to say no, but Instead I said sure.

so for the following weeks we hanged out a lot. we played basketball, Frisbee I even lifted weights with him often. one of those days I went with him to the back yard he told me to do 12 bench presses. And as I Was about to start the 5th one he got a bit too close. I could feel the heat coming from his crotch. And as being as shy as I was and as infatuated by him... I pretty much pulled my hand away away from the bar and almost dropped it but he catched it. he just grinned at me while I blushed like a tomato.

Sometimes he'd bring up the mail my brother received, and I could tell he only did that so he could see me. how did I know? he would linger around me alot. sometimes out of the blue he'd bring me some food (which by the way was delicious!) I had never eaten Indian food but it was incredible!

as the weeks went by they turned into months, and my relationship with him just got stronger and stronger. I was definitely in love with him but as I started to realize it I got scared. Just like any other 14 or 15 year old would! (he was 16 at the time) So I eventually started to avoid him. But it didn't last long. we practically needed each other.

He'd come upstairs to play soul Calibur II with me, his favorite character was Link, I of course would whip him into shape with Ivy lol. Those days make me laugh lol

anyways, the day that really brought me to question HIS sexuality for a change.
I think it was a weekend. he came up to my apartment around 3pm which is usually vacant except for me. He came up with a bunch of envelopes, this time he lingered a whole lot more than he usually did. he asked me again if I was gay. I told him no. then he just sat down on the leather couch, and he just kept looking at me. then he asked me if I had any porn. I said no but I pretty much knew where my big brother kept his stash! so I pulled out a DVD and popped into the PS2. we watched about 20 minutes in, he would comment about how the guy was doing it without a condom. so like a couple of minutess later I hear him call my name. I turn my head slowly to find him grinning, then the unmistakable happens he points down at his crotch which is tenting his khaki shorts. I turn beet red and just laugh and turn the TV off, take out the DVD and put it back where I found it. He gets up and heads for the door and Im snickering behind his back and I say, so you going to play with it? he smiles at me re-adjusts and says naw Im just going to do some chores mom wants me to do but maybe later.

I forgot to mention he would always portray that face of lust and passion really close to mine. but I'd get soo flustered that I'd back away and start giggling out of pure nervousness.

And as the months passed we were best of friends practically inseperable. that is until I woke up one day and developed the most foolish of thoughts in my life.

" I miss my daddy and my dog, mom can we go back?"

I had passed with flying colors my 9th grade...
I only had about 2 weeks left. I told him. He took it worse than I thought...
He wouldn't come out of his apartment for days and as it went by I was depressed... then the day I was leaving he comes out to say goodbye.

I'll never forget his face... he looked like he had been crying for such a long time...
It pained me so bad, that I didn't see his bright happy go lucky grin.

but I played strong I knew how to hide my emotions I always did.

I hugged him and said I'd miss him. he gave me his aol... but I was only able to get a computer 2 years after I left, and the internet connection came a year after the computer... so the email he gave me was void... it either doesnt exists... or I don't know... all I know is I miss him dearly... and I wish I could talk to him. It pains me when I think about him

anyways, I don't know... I think he was giving me signals... to take the initiative. but as I said I was painfully shy and I denied my own nature to myself but one thing I'll forever remember is that I loved him. I still do and he always made me feel safe, wanted, special. even if my world was turning to S*** he was always there...

so what do you guys think?
what was he doing with me?!
because I've run different scenarios.

a. he really liked me alot.
b. he was just being brotherly with me.
c. he as straight as an arrow and just wanted a very close friend...

I dont know... I never got to talk to him again. and after 5 years, I feel that scar...
that pain that keeps me up at night.

and I always wonder, what if I hadn't left? could anything had happened?

In my heart of hearts I think he could've been my first boyfriend.
he had invited me so many times for a sleepover
he had a fricken huge bed, and trust me I would've loved to sleep with him in his own bed. XD!!!

well that's all I can think of right now, I'll post more if I remember more.

 

[NineOfClubs]

All I can say is--sad, sad, sad.

This only points out the importance of grabbing the chances we get.

We don't get that many chances....

 

[SonOfSlobone]

Oh, I'm pretty sure we all have stories like that. I've got at least a dozen times where I can look back and say, You know, I'll bet he wanted me and I didn't do anything about it.

As for your choices, a, b, c, I would guess none of the above. Most likely explanation is that he was "bi-curious". He probably sensed that you were gay, in spite of your denials, and thought it would be fun to fool around with you. Highly unlikely that it would have turned into a relationship, especially at that age.

So breathe a sigh of regret and move on. You'll have plenty of chances from now on, for a more fulfilling relationship.

 

[ozguy]

What a touching post.

5 years on and you still feel the pain of your separation. Did you move very far away and is it not possible for you to get in touch with him again? If he still lives at the same address you could always try sending him a note by snail mail.

 

[Horschallen]

Enjoy what you had rather than missing what you think you might have missed.

 

[Coffee]

Enjoy what you had rather than missing what you think you might have missed.

I agree, he may has a boyfriend already, may be worse, he has a fiance. Just don't take it too seriously, youth love is always beautiful and glory (if it doesn't relate to pregnant lol), anyway, I think digging thing up may be good, or may be bad, he'll avoid it, who knows?
But you can always find a way back and found what happened after 5 years. But in my opinion, keep that bromance in memory, and just be friends, like the song "Cool" of Gwen Stefani. Thing changed, people changed. Good luck, wish you'll found him.

 

[kijadeleon]

thanks for the replies.
I know. I should move on and just go forward but I can't move on. It's an unfinished thing... and it keeps gnawing at my chest, my soul, my mind... It's a good thing I've gone through many difficult times, or I wouldn't be able to hide the fact that it troubles me through out the day. anyways. he was my very first true friend. I just wish I could talk to him again it'd be epic! XD!!! thanks again guys.

 

[backpacker]

There is no way that anyone on this forum can tell you if he was gay or not. What we can tell is that the two of you were very good friends and had a special connection. Even if he is not gay, I have a feeling you would be happy to just have him back as a friend. For that reason, you should make an effort to find him. A few steps I can think of:

1) Given that they were the landlords, there is a good chance that he or his parents still live in the same place. Do some Internet searches to try to find a phone number. If that doesn't work, write a letter and send it to him at the address where he lived five years ago. It may just make it to him. Don't mention being gay in the letter, just let him know that you would like to reconnect with him.

2) Do a google search on his name and his parents names. Look for people who live in the general area of where you lived.

3) Does your brother still live in the area? If so, ask him to help. Maybe he can go by the old place and see if the guy still lives there. If not, he can ask neighbors if they know where he moved to.

4) Search Facebook, MySpace, etc to see if he has a profile.

5) Use the "white pages" to see if there is a listed phone number for him or his parents.

6) If you know of any other friends he may have, try to find them.

That should give you a good start. You may find him, but don't get your hopes up too high. I'm sure if you find him that he'll be happy to reconnect with him.

 

[kijadeleon]

lol, will do! thanks for the advice.

 

[kijadeleon]

minor update. um... I found his number on White pages. Its his mom's last name that's for sure. I called twice nobody picked it up so uh... what should I do? should I try again later or wait till tomorrow? >_<

help pleasE?

and thanks again!

 

[Eagle653]

Five years isn't that long a time, relatively speaking. Keep trying to call the number. Once you reach him, tell him you've been thinking about him and all the fun times and you'd like to meet for coffee/dinner or something. Then, play it by ear.

Like you, he's changed too in the last 5 years. Maybe he's just as great, maybe not, but I doubt you'll let yourself bring closure one way or another without at least finding out.

And, in answer to your other question, yes, I think he was coming on to you. Straight guys do not do all the things you indicated. Whether he's still interested or not is something for you to find out.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

And, welcome aboard! Glad you're here with us.

 

[Coffee]

keep calling

 

[kijadeleon]

thanks! well since its a bit too late to call I'll just have to wait till tomorrow. And hope to god that he's there. My sister keeps saying they moved but at the same time I still have a strong feeling that they're still there. So I'm not going to give up. It's been 5 years so to hell with what my 15 year old annoying sis says. If he's still there then its perfect!

truth be told... my anxiety gets the best of me sometimes but even with a high anxiety I pretty much move forward with what I made a decision on.

again, thanks for the support and advice.

 

[Alphus]

thanks for the replies.
I know. I should move on and just go forward but I can't move on. It's an unfinished thing... and it keeps gnawing at my chest, my soul, my mind... It's a good thing I've gone through many difficult times, or I wouldn't be able to hide the fact that it troubles me through out the day. anyways. he was my very first true friend. I just wish I could talk to him again it'd be epic! XD!!! thanks again guys.

I know how that is. I wish you the best of luck in finding him, and hopefully getting an ending out of it (be it good or bad, just closure--obivously I'm hoping it ends well).

 

[innocentbychoice]

Keep calling!

And...he must have a facebook or myspace account. Who doesn't now?

 

[rareboy]

There you go.

Hopefully you've learned a valuable life lesson.

Obviously you weren't ready at the time. Accept it. Leave it alone as a nice 'what if' fantasy and don't spend more time thinking about it if you don't connect.

And get some help for the anxiety thing. It will only get worse if left unattended.

 

[kijadeleon]

*sigh* I have the incredibly strong feeling its his phone number... but nobody answers when I call... Also the beep of a full answering machine appears so... I'm assuming his family and him are out of town for a couple of days... I'm starting to lose hope, guys... what should I do?

I really want to get back in touch with him. :/

 

[rareboy]

For a start, read the advice already given.

 

[backpacker]

Noiro, this is flame free zone.

Kijadeleon, there is a possibility that they only answer calls from numbers they know. Many people do that to avoid phone solicitors. They may leave the answering machine full so they won't to get any messages. Many people use cell phones now and people who know them well will call their cell phone. You should keep trying, but it's time to try something else as well.

Since you were able to get a phone number, you should be able to obtain their address as well. Write a letter and send it. Be sure to include your phone number in the letter. You can also try to find a Facebook or MySpace page for your friend. Good luck!

 

[kijadeleon]

I know i originally posted this for advice on my 5 year old love that won't die, but atm I just feel pretty down in the dumps... It feels like I don't know what im doing here anymore... I feel like dropping everything i have here and move somewhere else and start fresh... but at the same time I don't want to because that will just make me feel even more miserable considering that It would take me ages to find such great friends that I already have here.
I like it here... I am happy with my life but I feel like there's something missing... Im happy with my friends... somewhat with my family ( not that I really care what goes on I just ignore them ) my studies are challenging enough... And I'm thinking im just like this because I can't find someone...

any feed back welcomed... and thanks for your support.

Ps: I'll send that letter on wednessday since I'm making it a pretty long one.