bcwang
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I found this on the BrokeBack Mountain official website. There's a "share your story" section where people inspired by the film recall experiences deeply treasured in their hearts. this one touched me most.
I remember, the year was 1962, because Marilyn Monroe had died. Dan was my best friend. we both came from broken homes, and we would save up our money to buy model cars, and sit for hours on the weekends at his house, which overlooked a small lake, putting them together all night long sometimes. Across the lake is a place called Mains Hill. We decided to go over there and camp out. Two of our other friends went with us, and we took 2 little pup tents, and of course the required cans of pork and beans, etc. Dan and I shared one tent and the other 2 set theirs up a few yards from us. It was a beautiful place, looking down at the other side of the lake, and we even tried to catch some fish, unsuccessfully. It was warm that night, and a slight breeze. We built a little campfire between our tents, and heated the beans and probably weenies, I can't really remember. We all sat around the fire talking and telling raunchy stories [we were all 15 at that time], and finally it got real late and it had started to sprinkle some rain.
The other 2 guys went to their tent and Dan and I unrolled our sleeping bags. One of them had been rolled for a long time and it was all smelly and mildewed, so Dan said we could share. i have never been able to sleep with all my clothes on, so i stripped down to my briefs and t shirt. When Dan took off his jeans, he had on long underwear. Even in warm weather he wore those things, and i remember laughing at him, and he was a little disgruntled. The sleeping bag was a big one, like it was made for 2 people, so we fit in it nicely, but we were very close. i didn't mind, because, i guess i always liked to be close to him anyway, but never gave it much thought, except i knew that we were best friends, and kind of soul mates because of our family situations and all. i was laying there listening to gentle rain on that little pup tent and all the night sounds from the woods on mains hill. i could feel the heat from Dan’s body and i could smell him. he smelled good, a teen boy smell i guess you would say, not a bad smell. it was nice. i had almost drifted off to sleep, when Dan gently grabbed my hand , and pulled it to the front of his long johns. i started to pull away, but not really wanting to, but he whispered to me that it was alright, and then he turned facing me. i could just barely see him through the darkness and his breath was wonderful. Then, he so gently put his lips to mine, and touched me the same way. i thought my heart would explode, we held each other for the longest time and i kissed his face, ears, hair, for a fleeting moment, i remembered all the 'queer' jokes that we all told, but that did not seem to apply to what was happening with us. we made love for hours, making sure we were quiet so our buddies in the other tent wouldn't hear, i do remember that at one point, one of them came out of their tent to pee, and we just froze together until he went back in. we finally fell asleep wrapped around one another, and i felt more safe, and loved than i had ever felt in my whole 15 years of life. When we woke in the morning, the other two were already up, and one of them had got sick so he had left earlier. The 3 of us got everything together, and trekked back through the woods, to the other side of the lake where we all lived.
Neither Dan nor I talked about what had happened, but it was all i could think about. i didn't want to be away from him ever. it was love, but i didn't know what it was at that time. After about a week, we had to go into his basement for something, and you had to enter it through a door outside the house. I remember it had a dirt floor and it smelled of fuel oil from their old furnace. I don't recall why we were down there, but when we were ready to go back out, he shut the door, and put his arms around me and kissed me, and I held him and he started to cry. He said that he loved me and he was so afraid of being a 'queer', i said that i loved him, too, and that we would just have to keep it a secret.
After that, we became closer and closer, being with each other as much as we could, playing footsie under the table while we did our model cars, we started skipping school, and since his mom was at work all day, we would put this big old quilt on the floor in front of their fireplace and spend the whole day there. Eventually, we got into trouble with the school thing, and we had to just be with each other on the weekends. we returned to mains hill, just the two of us, many times.
This went on for over year, and suddenly our whole world fell apart. my mother was making me go and live with my aunt in the city, i guess she thought her marriage would be better if i was out of the house. This meant, leaving Dan, the hill, the lake, everything, new school, everything! i felt as if i would die, and so did he, being ripped from each other that way. We weren't old enough to drive, and there was no bus service out to the lake, what could we do? Back then lots of people didn't have telephones. And Dan didn't but my aunt did. He would ride his bike the 2 miles to the highway where there was a phone booth and call me and talk for hours, we never wanted to hang up, sometimes it would be really bad weather, but he always called. once, when i came out of my high school in the city, which was a long way from the lake, there he was, he had rode his bike all that way just to see me for a little while then he had to go all the way back, i still don't know how he did that. But i remember how i felt when i came out and he was there. Feelings like that have not come often in my life. Finally, i persuaded my aunt to let him come and spend weekends at our house. She had a big old house with a huge half finished attic, and that is where we made our 'lair'. There was a big old featherbed up there and we fixed it up at the end where there was a window. i remember having a radio, and our favorite song was little duece coupe by the beachboys, even now, when i hear it on an oldies station, i am right back in the attic with dan. one summer my aunt let him stay the whole time. it was magic, and his mom was glad to be rid of him, as mine was. we both had girlfriends so we were able to go to our proms, but we always wished we could go with each other, no chance of that in the 60's!
we went on like this until we graduated, and shortly after that, dan came one weekend, and told me he and his mother were moving to the other end of the state. we had no recourse. we had no jobs yet, he had to go. we were together only 2 more times, and then he was gone. i was dead inside. i stayed in the attic and gathered up everything that he had touched and put on the featherbed. his pillow still had his scent on it and i clung to it, praying that it would not fade, i couldn't listen to the radio for fear of that song, which would send me into a crying jag, my aunt thought i was physically sick, and was very worried, but i couldn’t eat, i just couldn't leave the attic. Of course, this was deep depression, but i had never experienced it before. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, a phone call, i about broke my neck getting down those stairs. he couldn't talk long because it was long distance, but just to hear his voice felt like life again. Months went by, a few more calls, then the last call, Dan had a girlfriend, and they were going to get married. I couldn't speak. he thought i had hung up, but I finally talked and he told me it was the best thing to do, that what we had always talked about would never work, society wouldn't allow it. he said he would always love me, but he had to do this. i remember hanging the phone up and how i felt. i knew then, that the two of us were going to lead unhappy lives, and i was right.
Years went by, i finally admitted to myself that i was gay, but everyone that i picked, i was looking for Dan in that person, so it never worked. Eventually i moved to Florida, but always and still, have Dan’s things, old black and white picture in a chest , that i wish could be buried with me at the end. When we both had turned 50 years old, I called him, he was still in that crappy southern Indiana town, he was divorced, and he had 2 grown sons. i asked him if I came there, would he meet me at a motel, and he said sure. I was so excited, I felt young again, and so i did this. I went, he came to the motel, his beautiful thick black hair almost all gone now, a pot belly from drinking, but yet, when he entered my room, he was not any different to me. He was my Dan. he was hesitant at first and embarrassed by his appearance, he was smoking a cigarette, which i had never done, and he threw it out the door and closed it. i walked over to him and just held him and then he hugged me back. no, his breath was not sweet as it was on mains hill that night, nor was his body firm and beautiful, and he had no hair for me to run my nose through, but it didn't seem to matter. he stayed the night and we were not two old guys in that bed, we were rich and Dan laying in front of his fireplace again at 15. i have never seen him again.
I now have a home in the south but i also bought a small home here at the lake in Indiana. That is where i am right now, and i am looking out the window at mains hill. it was a bad decision. It is bittersweet here. every road i go down, he is there, i look at the hill, and our pup tent is there, his moms house farther down on the lake from me is vacant and the big window in the front is broken. i am pushing 60 and am terminal. i sometimes have to fight myself not to pick up the phone and ask him to come, for i don't want him to see me this way. i don't want him to know when i die, and i don't want to know if he goes before me.
All i can really hope for is that there is really a heaven, and if there is, then Dan and I can be there together, forever.
I remember, the year was 1962, because Marilyn Monroe had died. Dan was my best friend. we both came from broken homes, and we would save up our money to buy model cars, and sit for hours on the weekends at his house, which overlooked a small lake, putting them together all night long sometimes. Across the lake is a place called Mains Hill. We decided to go over there and camp out. Two of our other friends went with us, and we took 2 little pup tents, and of course the required cans of pork and beans, etc. Dan and I shared one tent and the other 2 set theirs up a few yards from us. It was a beautiful place, looking down at the other side of the lake, and we even tried to catch some fish, unsuccessfully. It was warm that night, and a slight breeze. We built a little campfire between our tents, and heated the beans and probably weenies, I can't really remember. We all sat around the fire talking and telling raunchy stories [we were all 15 at that time], and finally it got real late and it had started to sprinkle some rain.
The other 2 guys went to their tent and Dan and I unrolled our sleeping bags. One of them had been rolled for a long time and it was all smelly and mildewed, so Dan said we could share. i have never been able to sleep with all my clothes on, so i stripped down to my briefs and t shirt. When Dan took off his jeans, he had on long underwear. Even in warm weather he wore those things, and i remember laughing at him, and he was a little disgruntled. The sleeping bag was a big one, like it was made for 2 people, so we fit in it nicely, but we were very close. i didn't mind, because, i guess i always liked to be close to him anyway, but never gave it much thought, except i knew that we were best friends, and kind of soul mates because of our family situations and all. i was laying there listening to gentle rain on that little pup tent and all the night sounds from the woods on mains hill. i could feel the heat from Dan’s body and i could smell him. he smelled good, a teen boy smell i guess you would say, not a bad smell. it was nice. i had almost drifted off to sleep, when Dan gently grabbed my hand , and pulled it to the front of his long johns. i started to pull away, but not really wanting to, but he whispered to me that it was alright, and then he turned facing me. i could just barely see him through the darkness and his breath was wonderful. Then, he so gently put his lips to mine, and touched me the same way. i thought my heart would explode, we held each other for the longest time and i kissed his face, ears, hair, for a fleeting moment, i remembered all the 'queer' jokes that we all told, but that did not seem to apply to what was happening with us. we made love for hours, making sure we were quiet so our buddies in the other tent wouldn't hear, i do remember that at one point, one of them came out of their tent to pee, and we just froze together until he went back in. we finally fell asleep wrapped around one another, and i felt more safe, and loved than i had ever felt in my whole 15 years of life. When we woke in the morning, the other two were already up, and one of them had got sick so he had left earlier. The 3 of us got everything together, and trekked back through the woods, to the other side of the lake where we all lived.
Neither Dan nor I talked about what had happened, but it was all i could think about. i didn't want to be away from him ever. it was love, but i didn't know what it was at that time. After about a week, we had to go into his basement for something, and you had to enter it through a door outside the house. I remember it had a dirt floor and it smelled of fuel oil from their old furnace. I don't recall why we were down there, but when we were ready to go back out, he shut the door, and put his arms around me and kissed me, and I held him and he started to cry. He said that he loved me and he was so afraid of being a 'queer', i said that i loved him, too, and that we would just have to keep it a secret.
After that, we became closer and closer, being with each other as much as we could, playing footsie under the table while we did our model cars, we started skipping school, and since his mom was at work all day, we would put this big old quilt on the floor in front of their fireplace and spend the whole day there. Eventually, we got into trouble with the school thing, and we had to just be with each other on the weekends. we returned to mains hill, just the two of us, many times.
This went on for over year, and suddenly our whole world fell apart. my mother was making me go and live with my aunt in the city, i guess she thought her marriage would be better if i was out of the house. This meant, leaving Dan, the hill, the lake, everything, new school, everything! i felt as if i would die, and so did he, being ripped from each other that way. We weren't old enough to drive, and there was no bus service out to the lake, what could we do? Back then lots of people didn't have telephones. And Dan didn't but my aunt did. He would ride his bike the 2 miles to the highway where there was a phone booth and call me and talk for hours, we never wanted to hang up, sometimes it would be really bad weather, but he always called. once, when i came out of my high school in the city, which was a long way from the lake, there he was, he had rode his bike all that way just to see me for a little while then he had to go all the way back, i still don't know how he did that. But i remember how i felt when i came out and he was there. Feelings like that have not come often in my life. Finally, i persuaded my aunt to let him come and spend weekends at our house. She had a big old house with a huge half finished attic, and that is where we made our 'lair'. There was a big old featherbed up there and we fixed it up at the end where there was a window. i remember having a radio, and our favorite song was little duece coupe by the beachboys, even now, when i hear it on an oldies station, i am right back in the attic with dan. one summer my aunt let him stay the whole time. it was magic, and his mom was glad to be rid of him, as mine was. we both had girlfriends so we were able to go to our proms, but we always wished we could go with each other, no chance of that in the 60's!
we went on like this until we graduated, and shortly after that, dan came one weekend, and told me he and his mother were moving to the other end of the state. we had no recourse. we had no jobs yet, he had to go. we were together only 2 more times, and then he was gone. i was dead inside. i stayed in the attic and gathered up everything that he had touched and put on the featherbed. his pillow still had his scent on it and i clung to it, praying that it would not fade, i couldn't listen to the radio for fear of that song, which would send me into a crying jag, my aunt thought i was physically sick, and was very worried, but i couldn’t eat, i just couldn't leave the attic. Of course, this was deep depression, but i had never experienced it before. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, a phone call, i about broke my neck getting down those stairs. he couldn't talk long because it was long distance, but just to hear his voice felt like life again. Months went by, a few more calls, then the last call, Dan had a girlfriend, and they were going to get married. I couldn't speak. he thought i had hung up, but I finally talked and he told me it was the best thing to do, that what we had always talked about would never work, society wouldn't allow it. he said he would always love me, but he had to do this. i remember hanging the phone up and how i felt. i knew then, that the two of us were going to lead unhappy lives, and i was right.
Years went by, i finally admitted to myself that i was gay, but everyone that i picked, i was looking for Dan in that person, so it never worked. Eventually i moved to Florida, but always and still, have Dan’s things, old black and white picture in a chest , that i wish could be buried with me at the end. When we both had turned 50 years old, I called him, he was still in that crappy southern Indiana town, he was divorced, and he had 2 grown sons. i asked him if I came there, would he meet me at a motel, and he said sure. I was so excited, I felt young again, and so i did this. I went, he came to the motel, his beautiful thick black hair almost all gone now, a pot belly from drinking, but yet, when he entered my room, he was not any different to me. He was my Dan. he was hesitant at first and embarrassed by his appearance, he was smoking a cigarette, which i had never done, and he threw it out the door and closed it. i walked over to him and just held him and then he hugged me back. no, his breath was not sweet as it was on mains hill that night, nor was his body firm and beautiful, and he had no hair for me to run my nose through, but it didn't seem to matter. he stayed the night and we were not two old guys in that bed, we were rich and Dan laying in front of his fireplace again at 15. i have never seen him again.
I now have a home in the south but i also bought a small home here at the lake in Indiana. That is where i am right now, and i am looking out the window at mains hill. it was a bad decision. It is bittersweet here. every road i go down, he is there, i look at the hill, and our pup tent is there, his moms house farther down on the lake from me is vacant and the big window in the front is broken. i am pushing 60 and am terminal. i sometimes have to fight myself not to pick up the phone and ask him to come, for i don't want him to see me this way. i don't want him to know when i die, and i don't want to know if he goes before me.
All i can really hope for is that there is really a heaven, and if there is, then Dan and I can be there together, forever.