A boring guy

[PalacePaul]

I'm not asking for an advice here, I just feel like sharing what happened to me this week.
There's this guy I know from the other side of the country, we are both classical musicians and play the same instrument (let's say he is an advanced amateur, I'm a professional, but this makes little difference now). Since we last saw each other we've been in touch via email or text message. I had already guessed he was gay, deep in the closet and interested in me. So, when he told me he would come to my region on holidays it seemed ok. Honestly, I thought it would be fun, we could go to the beach, to the countryside, concerts, have sex, whatever…
He started planning his holidays and suggested he'd take a double hotel room so we can stay together for the week. This sounded too much for me and I told him: I didn't want to pretend we are a happy couple on holidays (I didn't use this words with him but that was my thought). He accepted and said he didn't want to pressure me, we would just do some stuff together but keeping each one's freedom.
Last friday he arrived in the area. He came to my town and he stayed at a hotel. We spend some time together, had dinner, I showed him some places. It wasn't very fun, really. Then he moved to another hotel in the beach area. As we had planned, on wednesday I picked him up and drove him to different places: typical country villages, mountains, a lake, churches, castles… Oh my God, it was so boring! He wasn't interested in anything. I told him historical, cultural or random facts (I'm always curious about this stuff) and he hardly responded. He was constantly checking his phone. Conversation only flowed spontaneously when we talked about instruments and concerts. He seems not to have any interest or hobby beyond that.
Luckily in the evening I had an appointment with one of my pupils so we got back to town. After that, the plan was that we go to his hotel on the beach, spend the night there and we go on another trip the next day. On a side note: he never mentioned sex, but I know for sure he was expecting it… very bad! I admit I considered going there and having sex, that would make him happy. What I couldn't stand was the prospect of another boring day driving in silence while he checks his phone… So I found the courage to tell him it didn't look like a good idea, because we didn't talk much and I didn't know what other places to show him. I proposed that we have dinner together next to the beach, have some drinks and end it here. Obviously he didn't expect it, but he accepted, and that's what we finally did.
I've thought a lot on this story and it looks so sad. What I see is a 37-year-old guy in the closet with and ordinary life, a good job and not very social (that's not a problem, I'm not either). Once he finds someone (=me) with whom he could have a bit of fun, he ruins it with his lack of conversation and interests. Now I really understand the advice you guys usually give here: be yourself, be confident, cultivate your interests… At that point, I'd have preferred a guy talking extensively about his interests (even if I don't share them), than nothing at all. I didn't want to hurt him in any way, I'm sorry if I did. But you also usually say “don't do anything you don't want to...”

 

[heir-to-the-wind]

The word for him is ''nerd.'' I have had similar experiences. Sex would have been boring too, unless he was an ass-virgin.

 

[Telstra]

Sounds like you two have nothing in common.

 

[KaraBulut]

Out of curiosity, when he was looking at his phone and not really listening to what you were saying, why didn't you confront him then?

 

[PalacePaul]

Out of curiosity, when he was looking at his phone and not really listening to what you were saying, why didn't you confront him then?

Good question... I don't know, really. I guess I wanted to give him another opportunity. And then another, and... But at the end of the day I couldn't stand it anymore.

 

[PalacePaul]

The word for him is ''nerd.'' I have had similar experiences. Sex would have been boring too, unless he was an ass-virgin.

Boring as hell, but I was hoping he had a big cock

 

[Telstra]

Boring as hell, but I was hoping he had a big cock

What will you do with a "big" cock ?

 

[Essex Boy]

There's this guy I know from the other side of the country, we are both classical musicians and play the same instrument (let's say he is an advanced amateur, I'm a professional, but this makes little difference now). Since we last saw each other we've been in touch via email or text message. I had already guessed he was gay, deep in the closet and interested in me.

How did you come to know each other in the first place in different parts of the country, and what were the clues that made you think he was interested? Oddly, I can cast myself in either your role or his. I would have done exactly the same as you, and felt just as frustrated, but at the same time if I'd been in his position I have an idea I'd have behaved like he did. I suppose it's part of a closet "syndrome". You're fully aware of your sexuality and you form attachments and fantasize about sex and having relationships, but then when you get the chance to make it reality it comes home to you that what you think of as the "real you" only exists inside your head. You can control your fantasies but you can't control real life, so you lock yourself inside. It's difficult to take the plunge and the longer you delay the harder it gets. This is the voice of experience talking!

 

[KaraBulut]

Good question... I don't know, really. I guess I wanted to give him another opportunity. And then another, and... But at the end of the day I couldn't stand it anymore.

Honestly, from your story, it sounds like this guy had no social skills and was completely oblivious to anything beyond his plan to get the two of you into the same bed at some point during the trip.

It's probably a blessing that nothing happened. Someone who is so completely oblivious is probably equally boring in bed.

The only thing I would have done differently is to either told him to put the phone away earlier or I would have ended the whole thing earlier to recapture the time that was wasted with someone who didn't appreciate your time and effort in playing tour guide.

 

[PalacePaul]

How did you come to know each other in the first place in different parts of the country, and what were the clues that made you think he was interested? Oddly, I can cast myself in either your role or his. I would have done exactly the same as you, and felt just as frustrated, but at the same time if I'd been in his position I have an idea I'd have behaved like he did. I suppose it's part of a closet "syndrome". You're fully aware of your sexuality and you form attachments and fantasize about sex and having relationships, but then when you get the chance to make it reality it comes home to you that what you think of as the "real you" only exists inside your head. You can control your fantasies but you can't control real life, so you lock yourself inside. It's difficult to take the plunge and the longer you delay the harder it gets. This is the voice of experience talking!

I've been in music stages in his region twice, and also played some concerts. That's how we met. At least for the two last times I noticed how he was specially nice to me, spent a lot of time with me, paid for my lunch or dinner. I figuerd why.
The truth is I can cast myself in his place, too. Actually I've been there. When I was younger I was terribly afraid that someone might know I was gay. If I was interested in someone the only thing to do was spending time with him and being incredibly nice, but it never worked out. You need to accept yourself before others can accept you.
So in some way I was trying to tell him: Wake up! It doesn't work this way!!