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a cruel rule: no cheaters?

S

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Many of my mates and i have been cheated on, and we have decided to come up with a rule as a group: we wont date people who have cheated. Having been the person who has dated a few guys who have all cheated in their past relationships (and i have been stupid enough to think they wouldnt cheat on me), I still think this rule is a little harsh. I know that people can change if they want to, but most people dont. And me, im looking to settle down and find a real relationship (complete with fidelity). All of my friends want the same thing: a true relationship. But the problem is that we have to wade through many men to find the right ones for us, and my friend justin brought this rule to our attention.
Now, im not saying its a fair rule to just push away anyone based on their past, but a good point was brought up is how people lived in their past is a good indication of how they will live their future.
And since the dating game can be fierce and all the good ones get taken early, maybe there is some validity to having this deal breaker in place so we dont (and this sounds bad saying this, but) waste time while trying to find the relationships we do want.
I know you should get to know a person before judging a book by its cover, and I really try to do that, but im starting to think that this rule might be beneficial to us in a way.
I'd like to hear any thoughts.
Does anyone have a similar rule?
And also I'd like to hear from the people who werent as committed to their relationships, if you think that its fair to be excluded based on something you did in your past.
I am mostly talking about serial cheaters and SERIOUS relationships here please.
any advice is apprecited, but please refrain from rude or unnecessary comments because this is a no flame zone.
 
Well, where exactly is this line? Are you talking about people who have admitted to cheating? Or anybody who has been accused of cheating? Or suspected of cheating?

Lex
 
people who have admitted to cheating and those who have been caught in the act. we dont care much for unsubstantiated gossip, but if there is proof...
 
I think it's a good guideline, but I don't know about a rule. If a guy has been known to cheat a lot, very recently, and shows little or no remorse about it, then yes - the guy's a bad bet. But if a guy did it once, years ago, and considers it "the biggest mistake of my life", I wouldn't necessarily strike him off the list. I'd consider it, but I don't know if it'd be a definite dealbreaker.

Lex
 
William Blake famously said 'those who restrain their passions have passions that are easily restrained'.

Many have noted that fidelity isn't in the nature of the beast for men, including Shakespeare (One foot on sea/One on the shore/To one thing constant never!) However, I think it would be rash to say that's the way it is for all men.

Obviously health concerns have compelled many gay men to seek out monogamous relationships. However, I don't think fear of disease is -- pardon the pun -- the healthiest reason to do so.

I think you have to take it on a relationship by relationship basis. For some guys, it's going to just work out that way and that's great. However, making fidelity into an acid test would have the confining effect of defining the relationship in terms of sex, and there's so much more to a healthy relationship than sex.
 
My friends and I see cheating about more than just sex with someone else, its about disrespect to the partner as well. I am talking about committed relationships where its supposed to be exlusive. But we just kind of see it more as a guideline because we want real relationships, not just ones based on sex. as for a guy who does feel remorse about cheating, i guess thats a different story, but since no one i know has ever been cheated on someone who felt bad about it, then...
 
Among men I think it is almost impossible to follow a rule like that...all men have the wondering eye...gay - bisexual - heterosexual does not matter as long as there is a wiener between the legs.
 
Do your friends also decide what underwear you should wear?
If you want to set your own rules for dating, good for you, but deciding dating rules as a group?? Are you guys a sect or something?
 
>>>...all men have the wondering eye...

Sure, we've got animalistic tendencies. But we've evolved beyond them. We don't get into fist fights every time we feel threatened. We don't piss on things when we enter a room to mark our territory. We've got rational thought. We realize our actions have consequences, and can make decisions based on that. To dismiss cheating as "boys will be boys" is to discount all that.

Lex
 
Well, just remember that rules are made to be broken and the rule is proven by the exception.

It is totally up to you kids to determine if you are going to put these types of limitations on yourselves. If it works for you and you don't hurt anyone, great.
 
I broke up with my first boyfriend after I found out that he cheated on me. The pain of suffering a betrayal was so great that I decided never to date anyone who ever intentionally cheated.

If the cheating is premeditated, intentional, and secretly planned and executed, I would never date him. There is absolutely no excuse for it. And, I don't think a cheater would change his lascivious way of living.

However... what if a person was young, got drunk, and then the next morning found himself naked next to another guy who's not his boyfriend? Is this excusable? Well, as Lex pointed out, if he really felt regretful and that it was the biggest mistake of his life, then yeah, I can live with that. Everyone make mistakes. And some people deserve to be forgiven, once in a while.

PS: I used to like Bill Clinton. But I hate that he cheated on Hillary. Damn him!
 
OK, I cheated on a long term BF.

He was a workaholic sort, about 5 years into our relationship, who was way too often "too tired" for sex. For a year or two, I accepted that. But then I discovered that he wasn't too tired to drive home during his lunch break several times a week to jerk off to porn. And later those days to be too busy or too tired for me.

So, sure, I started to find sex someplace else.

We broke up after about 8 and a half years together.

Later I found out he'd "cheated" on me the very first year we were together.

Really, to have an honest relationship almost requires an open relationship. That's what I have now, and we both couldn't be happier.
 
actually, i agree with sometimes. i think if more people had this rule about cheating being unacceptable, then less guys would be likely to cheat. i live in argentina, so i dont know what its like anywhere else, but i cheated on a guy and i got a reputation. now no one even wants to talk to me. people avoid me because here they value commitment. i was with my guy for quite a while and i cheated on him on purpose and he dumped me, he waont even speak to me anymore. i know i did it to hurt him, but now i tell him im sorry he just wont take me back. maybe all of us should think about consequences and reputations before we cheat. as sad i am that i lost the best guy in my life, i think if a guy rejects me because i cheated that it serves me right. i mean, i made a choice so i have to deal with what comes with it. and if i never get a date again, it may not be exactly fair, but i would understand where the other guy was coming from. maybe its a little conceited to say "its your loss" to someone else if they dont want me when its my fault to begin with.
i actually think the rule is quite right to have in place, c'mon if you cheat on someone then its completely disrespectful to your man. and if others view you as such because of your actions, you gotta deal with it. now that i am seeing what i did, no apologies are going to get guys to go out with me and the entire incident happened half a year ago. take it from a low cheater (and yeah, all of us who cheat are basically scum, admit it or not), but i think this rule should be in order.
 
>>>Really, to have an honest relationship almost requires an open relationship.

Look, I've got no problem with open relationships, but I do have problems with people who believe because open relationships work for them - or because it's the ONLY way relationships work for them - that they're the ideal solution for everybody else. I have had no problem staying faithful for almost ten years. I'm sorry your guy dicked around on you and lied to you, and I'm happy you found a new relationship. But I'm getting tired of the pronouncements that cheating is an inevitability in relationships. It actually isn't.

Lex
 
see this is what bothers me, the thinking that "well, every guy is going to cheat eventually." we ARE in control of our actions, are we not? and if an open relationship works for you, then cheers to you mate, but i agree with LEX. i have not problem with being emotionally open with whoever i am dating, but if they are straying, i am not staying. i can say that i will never cheat because i am a responsible person and i DO have control over my actions. sex may be a primal drive, but thats more of an excuse really, because we do have a thought process that relies more than on just pure instinct. (well, the intelligent people do...). I'm sorry but im not going to be disrespected or get a disease in a relationship simply because a guy is horny (besides, uh, we do have hands you know). And if i dont want to date someone who is more likely to cheat on me because they cheated in the past, than its not my loss, its called logic. Because logically, i dont want someone to cheat on me and by seeing their past behavior, i can see how they will probably treat me. thank you coolcutefranzarg for providing another version of the other side, i appreciate the genuine honesty and humility.
 
Look, even in as small environment as my work, a guy in a "monogamous" relationship kept stating how he and his BF were loyal and would always be together, etc., etc..

Well, of course, they split after 4-5 years together, and it turns out the guy I worked with had been sleeping with one of the owners for over a year and a half. During which time we all had to hear about his "perfect" monogamous relationship.

Wise up, guys cheat. Learn to make arrangements for it. Or despair!
 
Past behavior is absolutely not guarantee for future performance. A guy, who has never, ever cheated before, may start his first attempt with you? We all know, there is always that first time, right?

Equally so, someone who has cheated before may choose to change his ways, as he sees himself entirely beyond such a behavior anymore. So, you are excluding a guy, who more likely than not, may actually be your 'ideal' partner. Is this really your objective?

Two more points:

You are a group. A lot of highly qualified dudes, we'll deem you guys highly undesirable as you probably have very deeply rooted ties amongst yourselves. Is there any plausible guarantee that you are not overstepping the boundaries of pure platonic friendship amongst yourselves, while no one else is watching, if I may ask? See, the other dude might be really as keen (or even keener) on maintaining his and your 'marital fidelity' and such closely knit groups do smell of a great potential for cheating, don't they? (The 'It all stays among friends' approach is deadly, if you want to make sure, your partner is reasonably transparent as in 'not cheating on you'.) See, if fidelity is topping your priorities' list, you'll end up with other dudes, who see it in the very same way, and you certainly need to work very hard towards addressing their legitimate concerns, too.

General rules hardly help with very individual people. Sadly, it is one dude at a time, one story and one personal history to be judged on it very own merits, each and every time. It is costly, disturbing and gives you no reassurance of any kind, whatsoever. Yet, most likely, it is the only really good way to take, if trying to establish a functioning relationship.

SC
 
>>>Wise up, guys cheat.

My guy's really good at hiding it, apparently. Should I confront him about it now, or just start sleeping around to even the score?

You've got an example of a so-called monogamous relationship that actually had some cheating going on. QED? I know of several where it hasn't happened - mine included. (At least, as far as my rose-tinted glasses can see.) And it only takes one counter-example to break the rule, sir.

Lex
 
silvercloud, it looks like you have some insecurities about your own friends. are you the one on the outside who no one wants to sleep with or who people arent close to? maybe you should think about that before saying having a close group of friends is undesirable.still there are people on here who arent man enough to say that what they did should be punishable by rejection. i at least manned up. and 9 of clubs, learn to make arrangements or despair. i think g-lex had something good to say, open relationships arent for everyone. maybe its just that people like to fool around on you? is that your personality. sometimes, these are just bitter people who cant get over the fact that they might be rejected for their actions. talk about not wanting to own up to responsibility!
 
woah, okay, maybe we shouldnt be lashing out at people, but people seem to get really riled up over this. lets all calm down and take a deep breath. i meant this thread to be an open discussion, not a blood-bath. so guys, lets please keep it respectful.
 
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