Lightsage
Wading in Light...
A sad truth about me is that my personality type can be mostly summed up by Astrology texts describing the average Scorpio. While there may be more to who I am than that, it easily relates how my social interaction plays out and also how my moods are displayed. I am the perfect mix of a Scorpio born in the year of the Snake which makes me all the more complex.
When I think about it I realize that because I act in the fashion best described by Eastern and Western Astrology I've gotten myself into a trap I can't escape from. The best example of this is my social interaction. I've never really had any friends stay my friend when there's nothing in it for them. I've been used by nearly everyone I've ever known and have in turn used them for my own gains as well. This is very evident from how all those so-called friends treat me and only talk to me when they want something from me. I let this happen because it was far better than being alone. And in a way it still is.
There is only one person that I can truly say is my friend to this day. She still talks to me, we still hang out together, and she's the only other person that understands me beyond what I slap on the surface and the more intimate workings of my mind. The only person that expects to be sitting next to me in the old folks' home years and years from now. She's a Scorpio too. Far more like me than I'd really care to admit. But we understand each other. Through thick and thin she's the only true friend I think I'll ever have.
That's a very depressing thought really. But it's true. Not a single person I've ever known, including my own family members, can stand to be around me as much as her. I have to wonder if the problem is really just me or if there's more to it.
I've never fit in anywhere for long. The best place I fit in though is a theatre. Which I've learned to be my true passion. Even if I know that some people may not like me there. It's the closest I've ever felt to being at home around other people. I can work myself to death as a theatre tech and still die at my happiest. Happiest to date that is. There's still that nagging loneliness that won't go away.
It won't go away either. Not while I'm stuck here in this proverbial hell hole of a city that very easily lives up to it's nickname of "Hell Paso". As long as I'm here I feel safe, but I also feel more trapped than ever. Stifled, crushed, oppressed, whatever you wish to call it. There really isn't much for me here beyond a job at a fast food place and no hope of finding more people that actually like me for me or a guy that I'd have an interest in. It's very limited all around for me. Especially since at this point in my life college is worse for my well-being. Not that it's hard or anything, the social obligations and pressures are just too much for me when no one wants me around them for whatever reasons they have for not liking me.
I've begun to seriously consider moving away. For my own good as well as the people around me. One of the reasons I say this is that my family is changing again and my father will probably be marrying this woman he's been seeing the last few months. She herself seems to like me though we've never met and she has two children, the oldest being six years younger than I, and both of them are girls. She's already made it a point that she wants me to be involved in the family which I suppose is good, but the issue still remains. I'll still feel trapped, alone, and only socially bound to one person who has said she would go with me if I did decide to leave. I already know I'd have family support if I did. As long as I don't have school involved I do much better on my own (with a true friend next to me) than I do at home or with school. If that makes any sense...
That said, even if I did decide to leave this place I wouldn't know where to go. Most of my skills are set in theatre and I'm not a social person which also limits my attempts at making my own way. So I suppose that adds lost to my sorrowful list.
In any case, I can't think of anything more to say. That wouldn't make me sound unnaturally depressed and possibly suicidal that is. All in all I know I'm a very fucked up person. I don't expect there's anything I can do to change that. I'm pretty sure I'm not sane half the time either. But according to therapy I still am. Look at that... I did have more to say.
I'll wrap this little personal drama up now. Think I've said enough for today.
Til next I find the urge to type a few of the words swimming through my mind.
Farewell.
When I think about it I realize that because I act in the fashion best described by Eastern and Western Astrology I've gotten myself into a trap I can't escape from. The best example of this is my social interaction. I've never really had any friends stay my friend when there's nothing in it for them. I've been used by nearly everyone I've ever known and have in turn used them for my own gains as well. This is very evident from how all those so-called friends treat me and only talk to me when they want something from me. I let this happen because it was far better than being alone. And in a way it still is.
There is only one person that I can truly say is my friend to this day. She still talks to me, we still hang out together, and she's the only other person that understands me beyond what I slap on the surface and the more intimate workings of my mind. The only person that expects to be sitting next to me in the old folks' home years and years from now. She's a Scorpio too. Far more like me than I'd really care to admit. But we understand each other. Through thick and thin she's the only true friend I think I'll ever have.
That's a very depressing thought really. But it's true. Not a single person I've ever known, including my own family members, can stand to be around me as much as her. I have to wonder if the problem is really just me or if there's more to it.
I've never fit in anywhere for long. The best place I fit in though is a theatre. Which I've learned to be my true passion. Even if I know that some people may not like me there. It's the closest I've ever felt to being at home around other people. I can work myself to death as a theatre tech and still die at my happiest. Happiest to date that is. There's still that nagging loneliness that won't go away.
It won't go away either. Not while I'm stuck here in this proverbial hell hole of a city that very easily lives up to it's nickname of "Hell Paso". As long as I'm here I feel safe, but I also feel more trapped than ever. Stifled, crushed, oppressed, whatever you wish to call it. There really isn't much for me here beyond a job at a fast food place and no hope of finding more people that actually like me for me or a guy that I'd have an interest in. It's very limited all around for me. Especially since at this point in my life college is worse for my well-being. Not that it's hard or anything, the social obligations and pressures are just too much for me when no one wants me around them for whatever reasons they have for not liking me.
I've begun to seriously consider moving away. For my own good as well as the people around me. One of the reasons I say this is that my family is changing again and my father will probably be marrying this woman he's been seeing the last few months. She herself seems to like me though we've never met and she has two children, the oldest being six years younger than I, and both of them are girls. She's already made it a point that she wants me to be involved in the family which I suppose is good, but the issue still remains. I'll still feel trapped, alone, and only socially bound to one person who has said she would go with me if I did decide to leave. I already know I'd have family support if I did. As long as I don't have school involved I do much better on my own (with a true friend next to me) than I do at home or with school. If that makes any sense...
That said, even if I did decide to leave this place I wouldn't know where to go. Most of my skills are set in theatre and I'm not a social person which also limits my attempts at making my own way. So I suppose that adds lost to my sorrowful list.
In any case, I can't think of anything more to say. That wouldn't make me sound unnaturally depressed and possibly suicidal that is. All in all I know I'm a very fucked up person. I don't expect there's anything I can do to change that. I'm pretty sure I'm not sane half the time either. But according to therapy I still am. Look at that... I did have more to say.
I'll wrap this little personal drama up now. Think I've said enough for today.
Til next I find the urge to type a few of the words swimming through my mind.
Farewell.