A friend "bullying" about sexuality

[whydatkine]

LONG story, but I'd really like some honest opinions.

Just yesterday I got into a heated argument with a friend who happens to be a woman. A little background on her: she's in-between a masculine woman (tough girl, wears t-shirts sometimes) and feminine (wears makeup and dresses up occasionally). I just met her about two months ago so we're still warming up to each other. Apparently most of her friends are bisexual/gay men. She's got the lingo down commonly used by drag queens (i.e. she calls pretty gay men "fish", calls flamboyant gay men "sisters", etc.). I'm not sure what the word is for women like this, but basically she acts like the stereotypical "gay man" and feels like she needs to preach about men's sexuality all the time. Now, I remember her saying she was a "straight" woman and also saying she "swings the other way" from time to time. I'm not going to try and understand that, but she's never admitted to being just a "lesbian".

A little background on myself: I'm not that masculine, not that feminine, I'd say somewhere in-between. I know that everyone has an idea that I'm "gay or bisexual" which is why I haven't "officially" came out. By officially I just mean straight up telling people I'm bi (I do get turned on by men and women). I'm not ashamed of being gay/bi, I've not once denied it. I'm generally just a private person, so whether I'm in a relationship with a guy/girl you won't see me posting photos or stuff on social networks because I'd just prefer to keep things to ourselves. I've also only been with girls, I haven't dated or done anything with a guy yet simply because I'm not that approachable and I don't approach people either. People tend to tell me they thought I was stuck up, but really I'm just kind of shy and I'm quiet sometimes.

So last night, the argument started when she started naming all the guys she's "called out". She did this when we were with a big group of friends. One of the things she said went something like this "This guy... *pointing at facebook picture* I called him out. He's been with guys. He's gay." Apparently she does this to all guys she feels need to "come out of the closet". Not a surprise, I was going to be one of them. She claims that people need to be open about their sexuality, which I agree 100%, but it bothers me that she's not considering people's feelings or situations. I don't feel like coming out is easy, if it were there wouldn't be this much support groups. She "called me out" while all my friends were watching and I BLEW UP. I started defending myself just saying it was none of her business and who does she think she is acting like the "sexuality police" nitpicking guys in public and "calling them out". It also boggled my mind that this "woman" could be so offensive about issues that concern men and their sexuality. When I say she "calls people out", she does it in a rude way, basically bullying.

The whole point is that it was pretty embarrassing. It felt like being bullied in high school. I do see she has a point, but I don't see why she has to put people on blast if they're not out yet. Maybe if she approached me one on one and was genuine about helping me "come out" I would've thought differently, but doing it in front of my friends and in a rude tone was just uncalled for. Now I'm in a situation where I don't want to hang around them anymore and I keep saying it doesn't bother me but it really does.

Who was wrong in this situation? Or who is right? Does every guy NEED to come out? Is it that EASY? Is it wrong to want to keep your private life "private"? I just... I don't know.

 

[PABear]

No you were on wrong. This really isn't about coming out, it's about people that are extremely open rather than people that are more private. I had a similar situation happen where something that I told to someone in private was announced in a group of over 125 people. I was embarrassed as all hell and the guy said "I was just trying to help you." Bullshit. He embarrassed me and I struggled for the rest of the weekend. I have chosen to no longer associate with him simply because I can't trust him.

Don't feel bad and find a classier group of people who care about other's feelings.

 

[whydatkine]

Thanks PaBear, that made a lot of sense. I guess that's where the differences come in. She's definitely OUT AND ABOUT about her sexuality. She claims she's slept with guys, girls, done 3 somes, seen the freakiest porn, the list goes on. I haven't spoke about anything sexual ever. Again, not that I'm embarrassed, I'm just private about everything that concerns me because that's how I like it. I don't feel comfortable when someone who I don't know knows things about me that only close friends or family should.

 

[palbert]

She is wrong; you are right.

Coming out or being publicized is your decision to make for yourself.

You say you're just getting to know each other. Stop now.

 

[whydatkine]

She is wrong; you are right.

Coming out or being publicized is your decision to make for yourself.

You say you're just getting to know each other. Stop now.

Thank you. And that's what I'm going to do unless she realized that I was affected by it and apologizes.

 

[Seasoned]

I wouldn't bother with her. She is a bully and she's rude and wrong.

 

[cynicus]

Good advice. You don't need "friends" like that. Abusive, abrasive people come into my life occasionally and I just drop them like a bad habit. A simple "hello" and moving on will solve that problem.

 

[jensu846]

What a bitch! I would avoid her from now on. People that "out" people in that type of fashion are malicious and not trustworthy. I would cut her off immediately.

 

[whydatkine]

I liked her when I first met her. She has this "keep it real" attitude which I normally don't mind because I like it when people are upfront about things. Later on though she seemed to be more blunt and rude than actually "keeping it real". We were in the same room today and there wasn't much tension but it was pretty obvious we remembered last night. I forgot to add we were drunk but the conversation was real. Sobered up, I still remember everything and I'm still pretty upset. I left without saying goodbye to her and there were people in the room who witnessed last night so I figured they were going to be bickering about me when I left.

 

[palemale]

She sounds like a rude and obnoxious loser. Someone who needs to be the center of attention, which she accomplishes by being loud and abrasive. She actually sounds kind of pathetic. I wouldn't be her friend.

 

[Scealle]

Even though I personally wish that all guys would someday come out, I understand it's not always that easy as every one has their own hardships. I was outted in a way, few years back when a bi guy hit one me and then told everyone in class that I am his husband (It was a really big class btw). It wasn't my ideal way of coming out but ah well. Needless to say we didn't stay friends after that. (But that's another reason).

For your case I think she's very inconsiderate and rude for outting people just like that.

 

[medic1]

What a bitch! I would avoid her from now on. People that "out" people in that type of fashion are malicious and not trustworthy. I would cut her off immediately.

,

^ This
She sounds like a very insecure , and just a nasty bitch , i have found that people who do this normally have something to hide themselves .
I would have had to call her on it , i think your reaction was the right one , though , i don`t think i would have been as pleasant .

 

[scooter63]

I would drop her like the stinking piece of shit that she is. Move on and find better people in your life that make you feel happy, allow you to be happy and to be yourself around them. Rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate, moronic people like that deserve each other. They don't deserve to be with you. Best wishes to you.

 

[Blueboy369]

If you have friends in common, you are going to be around her regardless. Rise above this drama and be polite......Just keep her at arms length. If nothing else, she knows you are not a queen to be messed with and you will stick up for yourself. life is short, don't spend any more time worrying. Pay her (no mind).

 

[earlgrey]

She sounds like a piece of work and obviously doesn't have any respect for other people. I would drop her too, and if push comes to shove, you should call her out on her nasty behaviour and give her a piece of your mind. Put her in a tough position where she has to be answering to you instead.

 

[Benvolio]

It is an ego trip for her. " I am superior to him because I am open and he tries to hide his gayness." But she will always find ways or reasons to put people down and embarrass them. She is not someone I would associate with.

 

[dereperez]

She doesn't like a friend at all. Only you have the right to decide if and when you want to come out and to whom you want to come out to. Sounds like she's on a power trip and feeding off her own superiority complex at your expense. Keep her only as an acquaintance if you must.

 

[Benvolio]

You can be sure that she is talking about you behind your back.