A Friend in Need...

[bananagoof]

A friend of mine told me something that really upset me. "Bill" is in his early twenties and living at home with his parents. He's a visual artist, between jobs and often uses the family video camera, which his parents never really touch. Thing is, he stopped asking if he could use it and basically treated it like a personal toy. It's not a new camera, it's from the 90s, but still I can see why they'd be upset.

Anyways, he's been something of a bi-sexual for as long as I've known him. He's openly had crushes on girls, but secretly explored gay porn at home. I think he tried explaining it to his (traditional) parents a few times when they caught his using their computer to search for porn, but they were really uncomfortable and had the internet cancelled. He has two gay DVDs and keeps them hidden, but apparently his Dad found them and out of nowhere told him he'd show them to the entire family unless Bill gave the video-camera back. Turns out, a small button broke off a few weeks back, so Bill needs to get it repaired before he can return it. Not that he said that to his parents though. He wanted to return it to them in the proper condition. From what he told me, he was just in shock his father would threaten him like that.

And then, he started saying things like "You like sucking dick? You want to get a cock rammed up your ass? Fine, die of Aids - it's your life."


This past week, both his parents have referred to him as a "queer", badgered him to come out of the closet, called him a liar and said for him to move in with a gay friend. He's really hurt and mad. Bill's home situation has never been all that great, but neither of us thought something like this would ever happen. He's trying to fix the camera asap...but now he's even wondering if he can tolerate living at home. I'm disgusted by the whole thing, but it's not my family, so I understand why Bill's hesitant to leave. He wanted to save up some money and buy some furniture before moving out. Not end up with some stereotypical story about having to leave home because of intolerant parents.

I know he'd be happier and stronger if he lived away from home, but I also know a quick departure wasn't in his plans, and he wanted things at home to end on a good note...so I just don't know what to tell him. The poor guy has never pursued a romantic relationship with anyone, and now I think I understand why. His Dad has pressured him before to go after girls, so all this clearly has just made matters worse.

Did his Dad really cross a line? Is moving out justified? Should he stay at home for a few more months, make plans to leave by the spring and see what happens? I don't really know what to suggest he do... I've offered to let him stay at my apartment for a few days, or store some belongings in the basement...but I know neither of those are permanent solutions. I hate to see him going through this...but he's going to have to figure it out. I just want to help.

 

[Martkell2007]

I don't understand guy's need to come out to their parents while they're still dependent on them. It's irresponsible.

 

[JayHew]

Ah, look, "Bill" is in his early twenties, not 12, 13 or even 16-17. He should be on his own. Sorry if I don't seem to understand the current situation of todays world, but I moved out of home and on my own at age 17 and did fine.

As long as Bill feels he has to live at home and doesn't share in the cost of maintaining that home, well, I guess he has to still live under the rules of his parents. But really, it doesn't matter much what he does until he gets out on his own. As for his parents, they are being asses or maybe they are sick of "Bill's" antics.

 

[HawaiiBum]

Harsh, but......
If he does not like his parent's rules or how they are treating him then he needs to move out. Why does a grown man feel his parents owe him a living?

Quote: “so I understand why Bill's hesitant to leave.” What? They asked him to leave!
Quote: “Is moving out justified?” Don't let the door hit you in the ...... opps Safe Discussion Only.
Quote: “they caught him using their computer to search for porn” Ooohh no no no.


Why live with a bunch badgering intoleratant blackmailing homophobes? I know he'd be happier and stronger if he lived away from home standing on his own two feet.

 

[G-Lexington]

Bill needs to get the hell out of Dodge. There's nothing wrong with living with the parents, as long as you don't mind the parents knowing about all aspects of your life, and you following any and all rules they choose to lay down. He apparently wants the best of both worlds, and it ain't gonna fly.

>>>I've offered to let him stay at my apartment for a few days, or store some belongings in the basement...but I know neither of those are permanent solutions.

Don't be surprised if he goes for the first one...and DOES consider it a permanent solution.

Lex

 

[wonder25]

AN OPEN LETTER TO YOUR FRIEND:

Early 20s....... you DON'T need to be living with mom and dad. Live with a roommate - or 2, somewhere with low rent. With someone who already has furniture, maybe. Learn some responsibility. (Yeah - financially it will be more difficult - but that's the type of challenge that turns you into an ADULT. By the time you're in your early 20's, its fucking time. Over due in fact). Especially with parents who are homophobic bigots. Slowly deal with helping them to grow up. But in the meantime, help yourself to grow up by not living underneath their judgmental rule!

PS The video camera from 1994 or whatever - yeah i guess the responsible thing is to get it fixed. But that wouldn't be my priority. Pay your rent. Buy some food. Find a job. Fix their old camera when you can - your parents will always be your parents, but right now they're being disgusting assholes so pleasing them over something like that wouldn't be my first priority.

PPS If his parents are pressuring him to come out, maybe in some strange way they're anxious for it to happen and just can't stand the gay thing being there any longer without being addressed. Despite their harsh language, maybe they need to be told - "Yeh! I'm gay/or bi - I need your support, not your criticism, ok?" And then, MOVE THE FUCK OUT ALREADY

PPPS The visual artist thing is great. But not if it requires you be dependent on your mommy and daddy forever. Get a job at a bookstore or Something while still pursing the art. That's what a man would do.

 

[bananagoof]

I agree that the timing is good for him to move out, but I worry that he's not doing to manage too well. He's smart and capable, but his family is tightly-knit. His older sibling didn't move out until the age of 26...and when that happened, they had a steady, full-time job and long-term relationship underway. Bill's got neither of those...and has been rather depressed these last few months.

I think maybe the bigger issue is how do you resolve your parents dissaproving of you...at least, I think that's what he'd want me to help him with. I don't think there's a quick-fix...

...but after seeing his sibling's departure treated as a big tragedy (their room remains untouched, the parents were sullen about it, it was this big overblown deal), Bill has trouble dealing with being kicked to the curb.

And don't worry - he isn't moving in with me full-time. He's already thanked me and turned my offer down.

Here's a question - once he repairs the camera, does he ask for his DVDs back? LOL - No offense to my friend, but that's SO awkward...

 

[strangelittleboy]

I don't understand guy's need to come out to their parents while they're still dependent on them. It's irresponsible.

He didn't come out. His dad found his hidden porn. It's not like he went home and said, "Oh, I think I'll let dad find my gay porn and be kicked out." His family found out, he didn't tell them. It's not "irresponsible." That statement is so offensive.

 

[Martkell2007]

Well, I wasn't sure if he had done that or not, so I made it a point to make a general statement that doesn't involve your friend. So if you find it offensive, you're just being nelly dramatic.

But if you want me to be specific, keeping gay porn in your parent's home is irresponsible, esp when you aren't sure they will react to your sexuality positively.

 

[bananagoof]

keeping gay porn in your parent's home is irresponsible

ROTFL! That's...really funny. What if you buy a pair of striped socks against your parent's advice, and they find those?

I didn't write here so folks could take cheap stabs at an unpleasant situation...so thanks to those who are giving me real food for thought that I can actually pass along to someone whose pretty distraught.

 

[Martkell2007]

Actually, comparing stripped socks to gay porn is a cheap attempt at an analogy. But, I'm not trying to start an argument. All I'm saying is that is was careless for your friend to keep gay porn around the house when he doesn't think his family will be open to his sexuality.

 

[wonder25]

People shouldn't have to HIDE their homosexuality.

If you live somewhere that you do - get the fuck out, no matter the "perks."

Suppressing your identity, while a common requirement in adolescence (unfortunately), becomes even sadder and more damaging as an adult. The very idea that a young MAN should feel guilt or shame over having gay dvd's in his own home makes me wanna puke. The fact that he hid them and his dad snooped and found them - makes me puke again.

Make him leave - and make him feel good about it. Think of the freedom, he fucking deserves it.

 

[Centexfarmer]

This experience my be the thing that your friend needs to honesly asses his situation.

It's obvious, for whatever reason, his parents no longer want him "in the nest." Which means that it's time for your friend to fly!

Somone important once said, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans."

You're friend finally has an opportunity here to become the person that he already is. Right now he sounds pretty oppressed, and miserable.

Support him in any way that you can, and in anyway that you're comfortable with.

Be careful if you decide to let him "stay with" you for awhile. Be sure that your boundaries and parameters are set, and that he understands them; clean up after yourself, contribute to the living expenses, be out on his own by a certain time, etc..

This could be a truly good thing for him.

 

[wonder25]

Once he approves of himself, then he can realistically hope for his parents to approve of him. Sad that they don't approve of and love him unconditionally, but they sound like they're not exactly Parents of the Year

Maybe the part they're most pissed at is being lied to. Which wouldn't be fair of them - but hey, if he's ready to accept his own bi/homosexuality and tell them the truth - just maybe they'll be ready to slowly accept it. And if not, continuing to live there in hiding, suppressing his desires and feelings, having to hide pictures of men, never being able to bring a guy home, never able to openly have a conversation with a gay friend, being snooped on and ridiculed..... it's not going to get any easier! Not going to do his parents any good! Not going to help their relationship! (Unless they can all slip back into that 'pleasant' denial that he's so used to....BUT THAT'S JUST AN ILLUSION OF "HAPPINESS")

Start being an adult! - move out - come out - it'll suck - then it'll get better. He's gonna have to do it eventually, might as well just DO IT. He might just like the feeling of being a free, independent man.

I think maybe the bigger issue is how do you resolve your parents dissaproving of you...at least, I think that's what he'd want me to help him with. I don't think there's a quick-fix...

 

[strangelittleboy]

All I'm saying is that is was careless for your friend to keep gay porn around the house when he doesn't think his family will be open to his sexuality.

Well, I don't think the fact that he kept it in their home is the point. Honestly, what kind of parent snoops in their kids' room? Besides, it's probably hypocritical of his father to say such a thing when his dad has probably got something stashed in the closest somewhere. Add to that the fact that the mother probably has a Dildo laying around, but it's not ok for their son to keep his items in his OWN room? Talk about double standard...to the original poster, you wanna give your friend some ammunition to fight back, that's exactly what he should say to both of them.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Bill's parents are acting as major a**holes for the very simple reason a dog licks his balls: they can. They are in charge and in control. His feet are dangling under their kitchen table and they are putting the food on it. So, they make the rules as they find fit.

A 20-something ought to find this completely unacceptable. Not only his folks but practically everyone else around him will go on making his life a living hell for as long as they can. Because they can.

This is where you stand up and hold your ground. You move out ASAP, get any gainful employment you can, pay your own rent and put some food on your own kitchen table. His parents are not going to like this? See, that will be their problem and very much a problem of their own making, too.

There is only one thing more important than trusting your parents, friends, and virtually everyone else around you: putting in a system of checks and balances in place, that would make it either very difficult or even impossible for them to betray your trust.

Deterrents work genuine wonders.

SC