A Hairy Gnome Companion: Lawn Decorum And Vacuum Tales

[DonQuixote]

Recession Humour

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the
people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[DonQuixote]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height..."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."


8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."

 

[DonQuixote]

For a good time,

Log into www.twitter.com, and check out this Tweeter -
someone we all know and love for the crazy guy he is.

@ShihTzuTylenol

How HBO uses FOXNews tactics to keep TrueBlood fans thirsty i.e, SubliminalDryness; InflatedPoles; Fair&Balanced nudity #vampires #bloodlust

an outside joke would be just as groovy as an inside joke if it weren't for the damned sunlight! __hssssssss! #spooks #vampires

I'd have went w/ Antidepressants may increase the risk of heart disease by thickening artery walls but they dont work as well as #bacon

@EllenPage @msamandaraymond a ghost, how do u download a ghost?___Adobe Séance ___#spooks

#spooks @EllenPage DUDE, delete it! And for Gods ache HURRY before it tinkles on the rug!

And more!

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

lmao@ Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson! hehe

okay, add a caption below!

 

[DonQuixote]

Morning, Officer.
I was just doing my morning workout,
and I sort of got twisted around down here.
Can you call the Fire Department?
And, can they hurryeeeeee!

 

[DonQuixote]

Here's a link to a free download from the guys down Lubbock way.

(the one guy's from up here, they just collaborated on this music. I know they were having some delays in getting the necessary permissions to sell in iTunes, maybe they decided to give it away, instead. In any event - the younger generation might like this)

http://gootmusic.com/adele_medley.html

Here's the YouTube video on it.

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ri169fuI7lw[/ame]

Happy Memorial Day Weekend.

 

[Lefty]

There's the proof in post 534..............

Once again,

Tzu leaves someone hanging out to dry.

 

[DonQuixote]

From Tzu's Twitter today (name deleted to protect the innocent)

@ShihTzuTylenol Gusty Warhola
I heard my daughter telling her friend, "My dad says 'butt is a bad word, asshole.'"

Out of the mouths of babes . . .

What Ima wondering is, whose mouth did grandma wash out with soap - the granddaughter, or Tzu's???

We know where the cavalier tone came from, don't we?

 

[Lefty]

I don't twitter or tweet so am not privy to the

intimacies of that home life or style.

But there is no fucking way sweet little tzu tzu would talk like that.

The daughter needs to be restricted to the better parts of the park.

 

[DonQuixote]

Leftykins,
You could always sign up for Twitter, even if just to follow select folk - like "authors of the air" and such.

I keep four tabs on Firefox -
JUB
FaceBook
Twitter
e-mail

(I have a story I need to get caught up with on the "main" JUB thread, so I have a 5th tab open -

0h, plus the buddy list.
I check the others out, now and again, to see what's what, in case I get an e-mail (or PM) from anybody while I'm on here.

 

[Lefty]

I gots enough peoples what hates me now

I should expand the circle?

That don't make much sense,

I mean..I isn't no masktakist or nuttin.

 

[DonQuixote]

Butt, Leftykins,
You can also see if your elected representation is Tweeting their cause du jour, and maybe even reply on occasion.

And, then you could enjoy Tzu in all his glory - and it can get quite gory.

I even post a comment or two - although, some are aimed down Washington or Lubbock way.

You can follow Roseanne or "The Queen", if you choose.
Bill Cosby and, if you're REALLY into her, Lady Gaga, lol.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

HI FELLAS!

Elmo pretending to play piano for Dorothy, cause of Dorothy beens real sick.

Elmo gived Dorothy a taco and 'parently her had a bad reaction to the Fire Sauce Elmo douched taco with, but dont worry, Dorothy fine now!

See... Elmo find-ed out how Dorothy can't fart like Elmo so her almost 'sploded and blewed up into smithereens, and that would be real bad cause Elmo's dad say-ed Elmo would get hims bare ass blistered if him tried feeding Dorothy anymore Taco Bell.

Yup, Elmo learned lesson! Yippy!

So join Elmo dumorrow and Elmo teach how to run away from homes -- what need to steal from kitchen and what color crayons to use in fur-well note to fascist family memmers.
Oh boy, Elmo and JUBs have lots of funs then, huh?!!

Anyhoe! Bye bye for now guys!
Dorothy says bye-bye too -- only it sound like, bloop bloop-bloop!
Sorta like fart in bathtub! he he he
So-long Jubbies!

 

[EJMichaels]

You're a delightfully wacky dude and I'm glad you share it with us.

 

[Lefty]

Hey Tzu, if you translate eJoan from Dom English to GLBT Basic,

She is saying you tie her in knots with your humour.

She adds that she would love to whack you and share it

with us.

 

[EJMichaels]

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

you guuuuuys!

I've been watching a lot of Sopranos reruns and getting whacked is a terrifying prospect hehe nothing like the brilliant whackings we first discovered at 13 (give or take a few months/years?) hehe
But I also learned from watching Elmo Soprano that "clipped" is a new euphemism for whacking somebody...you can discover a lot from a red hairy goober lol

 

[Lefty]

Whether or not your 'red headed goober' is clipped or not

should be an issue between you and the Doctor. Whacking

and sacking could result in being a soprano or smiling and

crying out in ALTO or even in BASSO-PROFUNDO!!!!!

 

[DonQuixote]

I love it when you talk dirty, Leftykins.
And, Tzu, well, what can I say?
You've been missing from tweeting, then you post manically.
Don't be a stranger round these here parts, hear???

 

[DonQuixote]

A Happy Father's Day (if a bit late) to one and all who have sired some spawn in their miss spent - or Well spent! youths.