A Hairy Gnome Companion: Lawn Decorum And Vacuum Tales

[ShihTzuTylenol]

A HAIRY GNOME COMPANION:
LAWN DECORUM AND VACUUM TALES
********************************
​

I don't know what it is about us guys, but we just like putting our dicks in things. In earlier times that probably proved detrimental to at least a few inquisitive fellas. Can you imagine the first guy to discover you shouldn't put your penis in a prairie dog's mouth, ew, that would bloody hurt!

Anyway, I'm sure you all know of or have at least heard about the amazing merchandise offered by the good folks over at Fleshjack. WAIT! this isn't a commercial, I don't give a rats ass if you buy anything or not, but their innovative line of exercise tools and recreational equipment has become an international sensation, and with good cause; their products are amazing! They are most certainly thinking outside the box.

==This episode of A Hairy Gnome Companion is sponsored by==
Nacho flavored Doritos!
Eat all you want____you paid for 'em--I didn't!

***now back to our presentation***

​

Now don't be embarrassed, for reals. We're living in a time when women talk openly with pride about their finger bullet dildos on television via some really cheesy Trojan commercials, so why should it be at all taboo for us boys to have devices made specifically for the male anatomy. Hell, we've been 'choking the chickens' and 'flogging the dolphins' since the Woolly Mammoth was thundering across the horizon with their enormous erect tusks bobbing up and down... up and down...and that BACK hair, omg! and they'd be dangling that thick throbbing bouncy trunk, still dripping from the tip as it leisurely brushes against...
oh crap, I got carried away, my apologies.
But I digress, where were we?
Oh yes, 'tuning the ol' skin-flute' ---We've been tugging at our tally-whackers since prehistoric man found out about P.M.S., and there's one thing I know; our masturbatory functions, whether alone or with a crowd, are a time honored tradition.

From the toga parties that Socrates used to throw after a particularly grueling seminar, and the nude model sleepovers at Michelangelo's loft-apartment, to Abraham Lincoln sharing his bed for years with his best friend and confidant when he was away from his beloved spouse (historians like to point out that there was a shortage of beds and bedding in those days, and besides, lots of men did that kind of stuff back then to keep warm--whatever--So he loved to spoon! I love to spoon too), guys have always shared their ejaculations with one another, and been curious about other men, enemy or friend, acquaintance or stranger, and what sort of things they do to arouse those inner most erotic passions.

What causes your inhibitions to scatter wildly as you stand there with your dick in your hand? I once put the handle to my mother's Hoover upright vacuum in my butt when I was home alone. I was walking through the house naked after a bath and I just happen to notice the girth and curvature and the bumps on the under-side for the comfort of one's fingers while vacuuming. Before I knew it I was on the sofa with the my cock in my fist massaging my prostate with the hard plastic hand-grip of a Hoover upright sweeper.

But back to the topic at hand, fleshjack.com, and the magnificent toys they've ushered in for our pleasure. Actually, I wore out my original Fleshjack Vibro™ over a year ago, and now my Cyclone469 is starting to show stress lines around the anus. What can I say? I work my tools hard, and I expect a certain degree of wear and tear, so I'm not bitching.

I called this meeting to pitch my idea for a new product and I'd welcome your thoughts and input on it. Any feedback or comments would be awesome, and greatly appreciated.

Picture this: A Fleshlight unit---the kind with a pretty mouth---with stubble like he hasn't shaved in over a day, and...are you ready? He sings!

Now hear me out before you start freakin'.

He sings, "You're All I've Got Tonight" by the Cars. You know! Like the trout (or whatever kind of fish it is) that hangs on the wall and sings when someone walks by. Have you seen these? They are an interior decorator's worse nightmare in the flesh [wow, a pun : )]. I'd say most of those fish were bought as gags and now they vicariously hang out in the garage or in the basement billiards room beside the Benny Hill titty mug and the authentic Jeff Gordon autographed NASCAR jersey (framed with Plexiglas) from the flea market.

Yeah, when your singing fleshlight gets close to your pecker it starts playing the music and lip syncing the song, to your dick!--♫You're all I've got tonight♪

And here's the kicker, you get to stuff your cock in it's mouth so it'll shut the fuck up!

Well, that's my idea. We'll need a name for it. What about, The Cars-jack? With BOSE sound! [and optional stubble and tongue stud]

♪♪Cause, You're all I've got tonight! I need you.... tonight!
I NEEEEED you, tonight!

I don't care if you use me again!
I don't care if you abuse me again!
You can make me, I don't care!
You can [strike]fake[/strike] fuck me, I don't care!

AND you can keep me just about anywhere!
it's alri-i-i-i-i-i [takes a breath] i-i-i-i-ight,
cause you're all I've got tonight!



Recorded from Rock Band Expert Guitar, please hold your applause until the end.

Thanks, Gustin

​

 

[Autolycus]

Great! Some real humor - thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

Having been following the semi finals of "Britain's got Talent" this week, I have to agree that your 'Shut the Fuck Up' idea would be a tremendous asset on occasions!

 

[gingentleman]

May I suggest a hobby that will get you out of the house and solve this problem of too much time on your hands.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

OH MY GOD! A HECKLER?

My feelings are crushed to pieces. What do you do for an encore? Steal lolly pops from toddlers?
My hobby [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] was writing....

 

[DonQuixote]

Shih Tzu,
First, I can tell that you're absolutely CRUSHED by the heckler, lol.

Second, we have a NAME to go with the persona!

Third, I agree w/ our good moderator Autolycus - I like your humour. Of course, you've probably already figured out that I'm a fan of your writing.

Now, on to more serious matters, is this a "single entry" Harry Gnome, or are you also pondering a Deluxe, DUAL orifice Gnome? You can shut him up while your partner powers him up, lol. (Or, it allows for personal preference in orifices, if going it alone.)

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

lmao! Now you've got me thinking Don, I may have to resurrect my fledgling hobby one more time...Just when I think I'm out! They drag me back in!

I'm trying to keep the hecklers honest you know! lol

 

[Autolycus]

Hecklers .... smecklers!

You do your thing man - we like it!

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

is it a shake weight?

 

[DonQuixote]

That DOES look damned near pornographic, and more than a little suggestive of another aerobic exercise, doesn't it, lol.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

Chapter One

HARRY AND MARTHA HAVE A LITTLE ONE
))))))))))***((((((((((
​

I pulled my tie to one side, gripped onto the front of my shirt and with both hands I ripped it wide open, popping buttons up into the air and scattering them across the wooden floor.


Aiming carefully right at the center I spritzed two good shots of Binaca breath spray on her puckering anus. I thought, "Bullseye!"


She roared! In my defense, I told her it would sting at first but assured her she'd get an awesome rush as I cooled the fire down with my tongue. Maybe I understated the intensity of the sting a little.


She gasped as it took her breath, then as she began to panic from the initial burning sensation, I quickly massaged my tongue around her hole to sooth the intensity while she was grinding her butt into my face. I then spent several minute eating her fine ass out like a man on a mission, getting rejected with gentle slaps each time I attempted to reach around front and touch her pussy parts.


Martha stepped away leaving my face hanging in mid air dripping with slobbery mint flavored drool. I watched her panties drop to the floor as I wiped my chin off on my shirt sleeve.


That's when she turned around and I saw it. Her cock. Harry's perky little uncut cock. It was staring me in the eye no more than an arms reach away. Time stood perfectly still while I caught up with it. My buddy Martha had been a chick with a dick all these years and I never even imagined.


But let me back up for a moment.


When I was in the fifth grade Martha Hoffman sat behind me. She had a mustache, and hair on her arms, so her unofficial nickname on the playground was Harry. Of course no one would dare say that to her face because she was the toughest kid in school. Even the sixth graders were afraid of her. She was known to be temperamental (a spoiled little rich girl perk) and it was no secret she had taken Tae Kwon Do back in third grade where she achieved the level of 5th degree black belt.


One kid even mentioned something about how she was in training to be a hit man for the Gambino crime Family like Natalie Portman in the film The Professional. Actually, that would explain why no one ever saw her until late August.


There's so much about Harry that's a mystery, and all I know for sure is she had the tendency to be manipulative, ferocious and vindictive. Characteristics I later found out to be standard issue in any female arsenal, so basically, Martha was a typical girl.


There's a paper trail as far back as kindergarten about her viciously ruthless activity. Preston Hutts asked her if she had a compass and not knowing what that actually meant, she beat the hell out of him, and he spent the rest of the day in the nurses office. I guess she punched him so hard in the nose it swelled twice its normal size. So big in fact, they actually tossed around the theory she had stuffed the kids own Twinkies up inside his nostrils.


A hypothesis that was later disproved when it was discovered she ate them along with his pudding cup while she was on the lamb hiding out in the cloak room under a tent she made out of Wendy Roth's yellow raincoat. Wendy was the fattest kid in the whole four state area. She was featured on Action7News one evening--that's how I knew that nutrient deficient kernel of knowledge.


Harry had pretty eyes and her breasts were like double Ds by sixth grade. I always got the impression she was a lesbian back then because she never had a boyfriend.


Her jaw line was chiseled like a Greek goddess and I remember thinking she could have anyone she wanted with her figure and bone structure, yet she remained unaffiliated. Many felt this was due to a strong Christian background and high regard for maintaining a proper code of ethics.


But I knew better...Martha's moral standards were wonderfully flawed. One time after school I got into a fight and got my ass kicked by Curtis Devine. I was so embarrassed and almost missed my bus, so I was in a bad mood. I looked bad too with a black eye, my clothes all dirty and leaves stuck in my hair. I felt like everyone was secretly making fun of me, and Martha knew it, so she started discreetly flashing me her nipples every once in a while. Sometime one, other times the other, then occasionally both; all because she was trying to get me to smile. I resisted for the longest time, and it only made her try harder. Eventually I caved, and when I smiled she got a look on her face as if she'd won. I found that curious, but I felt better. I was sore as hell the next day and very muscle in my body ached, but I felt better.



Rumors continued floating around when we got into high school, like the time Rusty Shaw bragged to his little brother Kyle about how he got into Harry's pants out behind the visitors bleachers one night after the football homecoming. It took Kyle about one whole minute to spread that around the lunch room. A mistake he would live to regret, but not as much as poor Rusty.


Martha didn't take it lightly and set out to make an example of them. Kyle broke his collar bone and Rusty sprained his wrist when she threw them both down a flight of stairs in the science annex. Then she walked them both on dog leashs up and down the lockers on every floor making him repeat over and over in unison, "I have never touched Martha's hoo hoo."


It was pretty funny actually. Especially after the fear disappeared from their dazed faces and the chanting took on a robotic monotony with the monotone loop reaching out to the masses which parted like the Red Sea as Martha casually strolled with her chin held high.


Before she made it to every corner of the school, Mr. Collins, the 8th grade biology teacher, caught her and sent them all to the principal's office. Kyle and Rusty got to ride in an ambulance that day and Harry got expelled for a couple weeks. Although she got the ten day suspension she managed to get her point across. I assure you, no one ever lied about trying to "hit that" again.


She wasn't an evil person by any means, she just fell into situations where physical domination seemed to be the only solution. I figured that's why guys never would ask her out. They were afraid of her. But that's not it at all. It was her decision to protect her sexuality.


She never let herself stumble into the emotional mouse traps that relationships end up being like the rest of us did. And it's odd how that began to resonate within the student body. Suddenly, abstinence became popular via Kyle and Rusty's martyrdom.


Slutty behavior and whorin' around just seemed to fall out of favor, and people respected that choice--perhaps out of fear? I don't know, but you've heard of the Accidental Tourist? Well Martha was the Accidental Role Model, and she knew it too...everybody wanted to be nice to her, and she knew how to handle it.


She had everything, she'd blow a month's worth of allowances on charities like buying 3 cases of Girl Scout cookies for the homeless shelter and then anonymously sending a stack of pizzas to the Senior Center. When she maxed out her Gold card she'd just tell her dad and he'd get her a Platinum upgrade.


Harry was destined to be a philanthropist.


Either that or an Ultimate Fighting phenom!

**********************
Chapter Two

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE
​

So I'm trying to get up to the bar and buy another Bacardi and Diet Coke. I'd never seen the King Of Clubs so busy before, it was standing room only, and every man for himself. It was a mad house as the DJ started playing an old Police tune I used to love. "I'll send an S.O.S. to the world, I hope that someone gets my..."


I elbowed my way to the bar and started waving to get a bartender's attention and who do you think was sitting right there about two stools down in the commotion? Yep, it was Harry, and I immediately began to swim towards her in the sea of cheap cologne and generic faces.


It actually took a few moments because people were starting to get territorial the closer you got to the front line. One big old boy thought I was trying to cut in line and I assured him I only wanted to see my childhood friend. When he let go of my collar I sort of rubbed my neck where I was certain his Super Bowl ring was cutting into my flesh then casually glanced down at my fingers to check for bleeding. Negative; I was relieved to see I hadn't sprung a leak.


He apologized and I must have struck a nerve with my "but that's my long lost love up there--I must get to her" performance because he nudged people out of the way to squeeze me ahead of him. I guess he thought he playing a part in some long awaited reunion or something, but I wasn't even sure if she'd even recognize me after all these years.


I could feel the big guy pressing against my back as we were all gently swaying with the throng. I felt a little like a bottle with a corked up message (an S.O.S.) nearing the sandy beach of a tropical island paradise. Harry Island.


Then finally I washed ashore.


"Martha? Remember me?" Her eyes exploded with excitement and I could tell while she was squeezing the oxygen out of my lungs--trying to pop my cork out?--she remembered.

[to be continued]​

 

[DonQuixote]

Shih Tzu,
This is a very interesting turn of events from your initial post in this thread and our fun and frolic over the possibilities.

Now we have all sorts of new possibilities springing up.

Your writing is captivating, as always.
I eagerly await your further adventures with Martha "Harry" and Company, lol.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

You are too kind, donny! Thank you again.

I think when I conceived this thread I envisioned a place for insanity to flourish like Mad Magazine or Saturday Night Live in written form. It's yet to be seen if that has taken hold or not.

In fact, I would welcome anyone who wants to share a crazy piece of literature or just something they have found that makes them laugh. There are a lot of YouTube videos that might merit a post and review (however brief).

I have a warped mind, so I'll be sharing that from time to time. Did you ever read Mad Magazine when you were little? lol Maybe that's what's wrong with me?

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

I'M CURIOUS



​

Why do some documents or articles you read list the categories of sexuality as gay, bi-curious and straight? Why not just gay, bi and straight?

This would suggest that the bi's have the distinction of being inquisitive and eager to learn because curious is an adjective that applies to persons who show a marked desire for information or knowledge.
In that case my motocross buddy Mortimer (whom fancies himself a lady's man) is about as straight-curious as they come (considering he's studying to be a data analyst and there's lots of information and knowledge in that field).


But as it most often implies an avid desire to know or learn, curious can also suggest prying.
hmmmm that's interesting; I'm meddlesome and nosy so I'm certainly gay-curious if we're being technical about this!

*********
​

And now; Daily Affirmations with Jack Enoff.​

___________

DAILY AFFIRMATIONS
with
Jack Enoff

I will not be held down by labels or stereotypes, because at the end of the day when all is said and done--I'm good at chess, I'm always well groomed and by golly I'm curious!

The end

​

This has been Daily Affirmations with Jack Enoff.
​

​

 

[DonQuixote]

Shih Tzu,
Did I ever read Mad Magazine?
No, never.
I've never heard of Don Martin, Sergio Aragones, Spy vs. Spy (vs. Spy), the Back cover Fold-in, the Marginal Notes, and a plethora of "musical" parodies.
Oh, and I've never heard of a Snappy Answer to Stupid Questions, either.

Comet, it makes your sinks so clean,
Comet, it tastes like Listerine,
Comet, it makes you Vomit,
So take Comet, and Vomit, today!

Or somebody named Bill Gaines - at some number (555?) MADison Avenue, NY, NY - before they got snatched up by Time-Warner and moved.

And, What, me Worry? Why would I worry when Alfred E. Neuman was running for President?

I not only purchased them regularly as a teen, I had a 5 year subscription at one point.

However, I must confess that, as the Late 60's and 70's waned, and the magazine tried to stay "current", I lost some interest in the more gruesome of its offerings in later years, and the TV Show left me wanting.

If my son hasn't absconded with them, I think I still have a healthy collection of the original magazines, AND paperbacks, maybe even a hardcover, in the basement.

No wonder I have CRS, now. My brain storage it all full up from my mis-spent youth!

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

^HAHAHAHA! So I see I can rely on you to be a contributing editor here too in addition to your wonderful reviews? Brilliant!^

DICK TOWEL






From the makers of Dick BBQ Apron!
​

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

"I need to get my ducks in a row!"
​

​

who hasn't said that before?
Are your ducks confused? Do you need to get them organized?

DO YOU WANT ALL OF YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW?
​

well wait no longer!

order
DUCKS IN A ROW!
and never worry about your poultry again!
​

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That's right!
For only 3 easy payments of $9.99 you too can have the satisfaction of knowing your fine feathered friends are safe and lined up!

Don't spend another day worrying about the chaos! get DUCKS IN A ROW! and relax!
That's 3 easy payments of $9.99 plus shipping and handling.

You'll get everything you need to get your DUCKS IN A ROW!
Your kit will include a DVD with step by step instructions and great duck footage you'll enjoy time and again!

But wait! there's more!
​

order in the next 10 minutes and we'll include EGGS IN ONE BASKET! as a bonus!


Are you tired of having to carry countless baskets of eggs around?
then you need to get your own EGGS IN ONE BASKET! and say goodbye to the clutter!


You'll be making perfect French Toast and fried eggs in the middle of bread the very first day you get your EGGS IN ONE BASKET!
Be the envy of your friends when they see your EGGS IN ONE BASKET!
So get your EGGS IN ONE BASKET! absolutely free! just pay separate shipping and handling.

hold on!
​

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That's right! you can get your DUCKS IN A ROW! and EGGS IN ONE BASKET! for only 2 easy payments of $9.99 plus shipping and handling.

DON'T WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE!​

 

[DonQuixote]

Oooh, Oooh, Ooooh. What's the number to call?

I NEED my Ducks in a Row.
I'm not sure I want ALL my eggs in ONE basket, though,
How do I get MORE than One basket of eggs?

And, does it come with directions for frying the egg in the middle of the bread?
I saw that in a movie and wondered how the Hell they managed that.
It looks like an embedded Fried Egg Sandwich, and I LOVE those.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

LAWN ORDER
​

))dong dong!((


In the suburbs of New York City there are two separate bodies that oversee the lawns; the men who work shirtless in the hot sun to keep them looking good and the men who hire them so they can watch ‘em through the window.

These are their stories.


))dong dong!((


The sliding glass door opens on the patio and Mr. Collins yells to his new yard hand. "Hey Derick, why don't you take a break for a few minutes. I made some lemonade."


"That sounds great Mr. Collins, thank you, I think I'll take you up on that," replied Derick as he wiped his brow in the mid-day sun.


"Terrific, but if you don't mind, kick your boots off here on the patio, I just waxed the kitchen floor."


"Not a problem, My feet are killing me anyways."


In the kitchen Derick sits at the counter where he finds a tall glass of icy cold lemonade as Mr. Collins stands at the sink with his back to him in a bath robe. After taking a sip of his liquid refreshment Derick asks his host,"Is there a Mrs. Collins?"


"Yes, but she's in Boston visiting her brother for a couple weeks," he told his guest before turning to face the sweaty young man, letting his robe fall open exposing his hairy chest and genitalia.


Derick's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. Mr. Collins' cock was nearly hidden in the old dudes fuzzy crotch patch. He smiled and took a big drink of lemonade to brace himself for what was next.


"You've done a great job on the lawn Derick, and I'd like to give you a bonus if you don't mind," said Mr. Collins with a wink and a sly grin as he walked towards the bar.


"Why would I mind Mr. Collins?" he said, smiling back.


Mr. Collins' penis had started to grow slightly, unfolding from its wiry shed. He stepped around the bar letting his robe fall to the ground to show off his bear body. Derick had never seen someone with hair on their shoulders and back before and it aroused the young college student.


He knelt between Derick's knees resting his arms on the gardener's thighs as he unbuttoned his Levis. Derick leaned back on the stool and lifted his ass as his boss pulled his pants off and wrapped his mouth around his swelling head.


"Are you trying to seduce me Mr. Collins?"


The old bear looked up and his eyes said, "Yes," while his throat was stuffed with Derick's throbbing cock.

Executive Producer
Dick Woof















cast

Wilford Grimley as Mr. Collins

Keanu Leeves as Derick

​

 

[Autolycus]

LAWN ORDER
​

That little episode was really great! Such a shame that my lawn needs so little attention when the weather is warm.

 

[DonQuixote]

Shih Tzu,
Your sense of irony and parody is great. What an episode, lol.
And your attention to detail, Dick Woof!
dong dong - sounds like our college student has a nice one.