A hurtful first time experience

[KaraBulut]

These things aren't easy. It's a very common pattern. What makes your case unusual is that most guys have this experience around ages 17-19 when they have their first crush.

There are a lot of guys and girls out there who say they want one thing but when they get what they say that they want, they can't handle it. There's a lot of reasons for it- some get claustrophobic, some lack the self-confidence to believe they deserve it and some are just assholes.

Where you went wrong is that you didn't read the signs. Not that this is your fault- the real problem is that this guy wasn't up front with you about what he was feeling. And because of this, you heard the message "Wait for me" when the message that he wanted to send was "This is too intense, I can't handle it".

I can try my best to start fresh tomorrow morning...

Here's the deal. When you learned to ride a bike or learned to skate or learned to do any of a number of things in your life, you skinned your knees and maybe even landed on your face a few times. But you picked yourself up, learned from it and tried again. And eventually, you got much better at it.

So it goes with dating. You learn not to get attached to guys just because they're available. You learn to be honest when you're not interested in them romantically. You learn that sometimes when things are moving too fast, it's not necessarily a good sign for the long term. You develop a better instinct for when guys are compatible with you and if you're lucky, you develop a better instinct to weed out the crazies and assholes much sooner in the process.

So, be angry. Be hurt. Be whatever you need to be. Just get back out there, try again and learn a little more each time you have good experiences and a learn even more when you have bad experiences.

 

[Seasoned]

I have a few thoughts on this. Let me start by saying I understand your pain and I'm glad that you have the intellectual capacity to figure out what you have to do to make sense of it and move on.

The closet prevents you from having gay friends. Friends keep us grounded and are sounding boards. I'm glad you have us here, but we don't know you the way a friend would. The closet also gives a lot of power to any hook-ups because you are so needing an outlet for understanding, support and sex and one person is expected to fill all those needs.

It's hard to know where this guy was coming from but is probably someone who understands the needs of a closeted gay guy. Up to a point he probably was even sincere. My guess is that he is not entirely free, or he is a serial seducer of younger guys looking for a daddy.

When I was closeted I was very suseptible to emotional attachment. At the same time I was very introverted. I needed every guy to be THE guy. Try very hard not to fall into that trap.

I don't wish for you to become cynical but sex is a powerful drive and some people will do anything to get it. Be yourself but also be your own best friend. Use some caution. Get to know a person by meeting them and spending time. Try not to be too needy. Expect people to be honest but rely on your judgement. No one can meet all of your needs. If you find someone who does you are either ignoring or minimizing some needs.

Keep in mind that some of us can be more discerning when buying shoes then we are when choosing someone to love. To get the right fit we sometimes have to try a bunch of styles at a few different stores.

The bottom line is that this will take some time. Be cautious if he should contact you in the future. I'd skip on accepting an apology.

Take care of yourself. Good luck. PM me anytime.

 

[altlover85]

I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out georgepc.

I have a few questions for you.

How many times did you meet? How many times did you have sex?

Here's some advice that I can give you from my experiences of dating older guys.

Listen to the person you are seeing. When this guy said he was depressed and disinterested, then that might be cause for him to act erratically. You probably should have backed off and let him be. It might have been a better idea to move on and see someone else.

If someone says they are disinterested and then acts contrary to that, I would also move on. I know your options are limited, but that's all the more reason to work on coming out or changing your situation so you can more easily come out.

Once you are out, you will be more able to attract guys and build stronger relationships. Dating someone that is in the closet is difficult for both parties.

If you need any advice about dating older guys, drop me a PM or reply to this thread.

Good luck!

 

[KaraBulut]

This here is a good point, but how should you suggest I act if that shall happen?

Just agree with what he told you- that you're looking for something serious and that he can't give that to you, so it's better that the two of you go your separate ways.

If he says that he has changed his mind, then say, "Sorry. I won't change mine. Good luck and goodbye."

 

[Georgiadude]

sorry to say but I think he was playing you. I really do. he told you what you wanted to hear and he got what he wanted. some people are very good at playing that game. don't blame yourself. he's the one that is the problem. not you. he earned your trust, told you nice things and made you feel good. once he was done getting what he wanted he didn't even care enough to tell you he wasn't interested. he made some pathetic excuse and blew you off. I know it hurts and it's hard to believe that someone who professed to care about you would do that but he did. he's a user and a real scum bag. who knows how many other guys he's done this to but I'd bet your not the first. I hope you were safe when you were with him. he was probably seeing other guys on the side.

I'm really sorry that happened to you. If your looking for a relationship try to find someone on a real dating site or some social organization. Hook up sites are for hook ups. Don't blame yourself. He's probably done this many times and knows exactly what to say and do to win you over. Just don't let it happen to you again. Your a better person than to have that happen to you again.

Steven.

 

[altlover85]

sorry to say but I think he was playing you. I really do. he told you what you wanted to hear and he got what he wanted. some people are very good at playing that game. don't blame yourself. he's the one that is the problem. not you. he earned your trust, told you nice things and made you feel good. once he was done getting what he wanted he didn't even care enough to tell you he wasn't interested. he made some pathetic excuse and blew you off. I know it hurts and it's hard to believe that someone who professed to care about you would do that but he did. he's a user and a real scum bag. who knows how many other guys he's done this to but I'd bet your not the first. I hope you were safe when you were with him. he was probably seeing other guys on the side.

Steven.

I have to say I 95% agree with this. There is an off chance that this guy was honest, but all signs point to a game player.

Good advice as usual Steven.

 

[Georgiadude]

I have to say I 95% agree with this. There is an off chance that this guy was honest, but all signs point to a game player.

Good advice as usual Steven.

Thank you. I appreciate the kind words.


your right. there is an off chance that he was real but I think it's a pretty small chance at that. Just the way it played out makes me think he's a user.

Either way. the op shouldn't have been treated the way he was. the guy played with his head and his heart. I think your trying to figure out what you did wrong. What was it that made him move on. please don't blame yourself for what happened. you ran into someone that probably has done this several times. he knows what to say and when to say it. take some time and recover from this. you will find someone that will truly care for you. I know it hurts now but each day will get better. It just takes time.

Steven.

 

[mooncake]

I also went through a similar experience after I first came out, so it might be a fairly common thing. To this day I still don't have the answer to what went wrong. I just have to learn to move on.