Hey guys, hope you're doing well 
Haven't posted here in quite a bit...Last time i posted was 2 years ago, when i was going to have my first time and wanted some advice (http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/383872-My-first-time-need-advice?highlight=TonyX28).
Needless to say i went through with it and, well, i ended up regretting it :s But oh well, that bottered me at the time but now i look at it as an experience and not something worth losing my sleep with
So i'm writing this post (which will be a long one guys brace yourselves) 'cos i'm going through some problems in my life and i could really use your feedback since i don't really feel comfortable talking about this with anyone.
First things first i'll start by introducing myself
I'm 20 years old and i'm Portuguese. I live in the island of São Miguel in the Azores Archipelago and i'm currently studying nursing. Every since coming to college i feel like my life has really changed for the better, but it has had its negative effects as well (more stress, lack of social life (mostly my fault), etc).
I am gay and i've come out to my best friends, parents and siblings only just recently. To explain my current situation i guess i should go back a little in time (hence the long post warning i said earlier).
Growing up i knew i was different from other boys: i didn't like football and sports in general, i didn't find the need to talk about "hot chicks" nor did i like to swear. Instead i would like to role play with my friends, playing hide and seek, using the swings, etc. I didn't feel attracted neither to guys or girls at this point (which is normal i guess?) but sometimes when i would see a hot guy (shirtless) on tv or something i would get horny and i would also fantasize about kissing boys, but i wouldn't pay much attention to that and a minute later i would just forget it.
One time in the 4th grade (9/10yo) i kissed a guy and we almost jerked off together (we were caught) and i really liked it. That was my first contact with a guy.
Up until this point i was a very outgoing kid, but then came two major transitions in my life: i moved away from my mom's house (where i lived with her and my siblings) to my dad's (where i lived with him alone) and entered high school.
The first two years were not the worst. Actually, they went really smoothly. I didn't have many friends but i wasn't too shy either. Over time this changed.
My best friend at this time was a cousin of mine, and he was REALLY shy. I would hang out with him a lot of the time and i started to look up to him as a role model. I think this was one of the things that affected me and made me going from outgoing to shy, 'cos i started to see the world as he saw it (i.e started to interiorize his values and beliefs and took them as absolute, 'cos i was a person who could be easily influenced by the people i like (and i still am sadly)). Also, i guess the fact that my dad lived alone and didn't like to go out made me want to stay home more often too and around this time i became addicted to video games, which didn't help the shyness either.
On 6th grade i did a terrible thing and i think this happened because i was getting more conscious of my sexuality despite not thinking much about it. So my best friend from elementary school was this kind of guy who you could tell from a distance that he was gay. He was not TOO feminine, but was feminine enough for people to discriminate him. One time on a P.E class i remember i laughed at him with my other colleagues and at the time i didn't care but later on i really regretted doing that (we continued speaking though and we're still good friends today). I guess i did this in order to fit in the group like any adolescent wants, 'cos gay=different and different=discrimination and i didn't want that.
On the 7th grade (12/13yo) was the peak of my shyness and social isolation. I was in a new class (only had 3 colleagues from my previous class) and i was really nervous and would not approach any of my new colleagues because i was afraid of what they would think of me (something which i had never struggled with before). It was on this time that my current problem began i think.
I started to look at guys and fantasizing about them. But not any guys: older guys. Namely my teachers. And this went on and on through high school.
I started watching porn around this time too, first on my phone and later (on 9th grade) on pc. And now comes the worst part: i started getting REALLY horny and i just wanted to have sex and see what it's like finally. So i devised a plan...I didn't know any gay guys in my area and i just couldn't walk up to a guy and ask them if they were gay, so i resorted to the only guy i knew was gay: a 60 and something yo guy who was a friend of my mom. I went to his house with the excuse i needed to go to the bathroom and he approached me there and kissed my dick. We then went to his bedroom and he gave me a blowjob. While he was doing it i felt a lot of regret and i told him i needed to come back otherwise my mother would miss me. So he let me go and he told me not to tell anyone.
I rushed out of there as fast as i could! I dropped by my mom's to deliver something she had asked me to pick up and went to my dad's. He was outside doing something and i went inside his bedroom and took all his sleeping pills. Went to the bathroom, thinking about what i had done and i just felt so dirty, so guilty. I started crying, a lot! I think i never cried so much in my life up until that point. I felt a lot of regret and i thought i just couldn't live with that and so i took the pills and lied on the living room's couch with a letter next to me telling that i was gay and what had happened.
The next day i woke up at the hospital, my dad was there and he barely spoke to me. Spent a couple of days at my mom's recovering (i was really weak and i think i developed a fever as well). I was feeling really bad and depressed at this time, feeling ashamed because everyone knew what i had done and so i decided to do something worse: lie.
My dad went to my mom's to check on me and i asked to talk to him in private. I told him that what i had written in the letter was a lie and that the guy had forced me to have sex with him and i had just made that up because he threatened me that he would hurt him and mom.
Everyone believed. Unfortunantely. The worse part came after this with court and all that and i felt really really depressed in the following years. If i had just told them the truth i would have saved 3 years of my life feeling depressed, but that's past now. (btw, this all happened on 8th grade).
On 9th grade i had this colleague with who i shared common interests (more like i "appropriated" his interests in order to hang out with him more often) and i started to look up to him (just like my cousin, but this time was different). Over time i realised i couldn't live without him and that his company meant the world to me. At first i thought it was just a really good friendship, but then i started to think i had feelings for him.
He WAS really cute and attractive, but i never told him that and never told him i was gay. On the 11th grade we went to different classes and each went their separate ways.
On summer vacation, before starting the 12th grade, i discovered gay chats and online dating websites. This was my first contact with gay people. Started chatting with guys on chat rooms but they were all far away from me so there wouldn't be any sex between us, but we would exchange pictures. At this time the urge to have sex was really big.
I then discovered Manhunt. There i met a local guy and we started talking and we both agreed on meeting in his house for my first experience. I was really nervous but i really wanted to try it. He was 34 and i was 18 and i didn't really feel attracted to him but he had a nice dick and my hormones were spiking. Sure i was afraid, but the curiosity was bigger.
We had oral sex basically, and each came by jerking off individually. I was AMAZED because i had never seen an adult dick (i would see my colleagues but i would try not to look at them) and at the same time really nervous. After leaving is home came the feeling: regret and dirty. I spoke to an online gay friend of my age and he made feel better and more calm.
After this guy i was with a teacher (24yo) two times, a guy from manhunt (48yo) and another from facebook (50yo). Also another local guy from manhunt (35yo) and another which was passing by (30 something).
I guess of all these encounters i felt better with the teacher, the other i would either feel regret or disgust afterwards. I texted on a regular basis with the teacher too so maybe that had something to do with it.
At this point i had accepted my sexuality and didn't feel like i was a freak anymore. I started feeling better about myself.
So after finishing the 12th grade i moved to Sao Miguel to go to college. I lived in a small island and so the transition to an island where everything is bigger and where you can basically get anything you want at the shops was overwhelming to me. Also people here don't know each other so much so there's less gossip and that made me feel more free.
Since the island was bigger and there were more people i started to use manhunt again to meet new people (bad move!). Basically i went out with a couple (34 and 40yo) once, a guy in his early 30 and another on his late 30. But one guy in particular was significant and made me really feel bad about sex. This was a 35yo buff guy which i had spoken online before moving here and he sounded like a nice guy (even though i wasn't attracted to his face i was attracted to his body).
I didn't want to have a relationship with him, because i didn't find him attractive and because he was older than me, but i did want to have sex with him because i had always fantasized having sex with a buff guy like i had watched in porn.
So i had sex with him. Again afterwards i felt regret. It didn't happen like i had pictured, plus i wasn't really feeling in the mood on that day (was tired from the airplane ride). So we did it again a few months later, decided i should try and see if this time was better. It was actually worse :s The first time i had bottomed and i felt pain and couldn't relax, but he used condom first. This time he shoved the head of his penis WITHOUT a condom and before he continued i asked if he had a condom, and he said yes and he put it. Then he asked me to top him and i did. But before i put the condom he rubbed his ass against my dick and i was ok with that, but then he grabbed my dick and shoved it in his ass. I steped away and asked him again and he gave me the condom. I totally did not enjoy topping him. First he sweats a lot and he was really smelly and so it got to the point where i was trying hard just to cum and be done with it. I eventually came in his mouth and he was going to kiss me and i moved away.
I was SO disgusted by that! I didn't think he would put me through that danger with him! And so i abstained from sex every since that time. I actually got felt disgust towards sex. (But on the 23rd of december i went with that 50yo guy i had been once just to try again 'cos he had a nice dick but i didn't like it)
On this time period without sex i talked with a friend my age online and one day we met. We were talking and walking for like 3 or 4 hours (this was the first time i met him in real life) and i liked him a lot. He's really handsome. The following days i was always thinking about him and just wanted to be with him again. I actually thought i had feelings for him and i talked with him about it and he said that couldn't be because we had only just met. I gave him the reason, but that didn't stop from me feeling miserable about not being with him.
Eventually things calmed down and today i don't feel this attachment to him anymore. 'Cos that's the problem: i get attached to people i like really easy, and the thought of not being with them just makes feel really anxious and sad.
But recently i met another guy online. He is a year older than me and he is just sooo HOT! Omg! He lives far away from me so there's no way for us to meet, but this summer i intend to go to his town and meet him. The thing is he is a really sexual person and we jerked off cam to cam a couple of times but these last two times i found it hard to cum with him. I would just take too long to cum, but when watching porn i was able to cum, and so i opened a browser window and put up a porn video without him knowing and came looking at it.
I've been feeling really depressed since then. I try to think about him naked and jerking off and i just don't get aroused, despite the fact that i find him really handsome and hot.
I've been searching the last couple of days for the possible reason this happens. At first i thought i was anxious, because in all my sexual encounters i would feel anxious and would need to jerk off individually in order to cum. I checked a site called Your Brain On Porn and i actually identified my self with a lot of what the guys there say. I think i may have porn induced delayed ejaculation (on sexual encounters) and porn induced erectile disfunction (on the guy's case). Now if this is true than i must go through a period of abstinence from porn and masturbating so as to my brain recover from all the artifical stimulation from porn. I think this may be the cause because i watch a lot of porn and maybe this is why i don't find pleasure in real life sex.
But that's not my only theory. The thing is i find older men very attractive (by older i mean late 20's and 30's), more so if they are slightly hairy, buff (mostly) and if they have dark hair the better. But maybe that's just a fetiche. I don't see myself on a relationship with an older person and the thought really never crossed my mind. I would like to have a relationship with someone my age, but what if i only feel attracted to older guys?
Another thing, i can get aroused by guys my age with whom i don't talk to but not with guys i talk to. Could this be because i see them as people i care about and not someone that i want to take to bed despite the fact that they may be very attractive? I just don't think this is a possible explanation.
I feel so lost guys...truly. I know that we won't be able to have a relationship because he lives far away from him, but like i said he is a very sexual person and when i meet him i want to be able to please him. Not only that, i don't want to feel like this when i meet someone and eventually fall in love with them.
Any feedback would be appreciated. If you read so far thank you so much
Hugs,
Tony
Haven't posted here in quite a bit...Last time i posted was 2 years ago, when i was going to have my first time and wanted some advice (http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/383872-My-first-time-need-advice?highlight=TonyX28).
Needless to say i went through with it and, well, i ended up regretting it :s But oh well, that bottered me at the time but now i look at it as an experience and not something worth losing my sleep with
So i'm writing this post (which will be a long one guys brace yourselves) 'cos i'm going through some problems in my life and i could really use your feedback since i don't really feel comfortable talking about this with anyone.
First things first i'll start by introducing myself
I'm 20 years old and i'm Portuguese. I live in the island of São Miguel in the Azores Archipelago and i'm currently studying nursing. Every since coming to college i feel like my life has really changed for the better, but it has had its negative effects as well (more stress, lack of social life (mostly my fault), etc).
I am gay and i've come out to my best friends, parents and siblings only just recently. To explain my current situation i guess i should go back a little in time (hence the long post warning i said earlier).
Growing up i knew i was different from other boys: i didn't like football and sports in general, i didn't find the need to talk about "hot chicks" nor did i like to swear. Instead i would like to role play with my friends, playing hide and seek, using the swings, etc. I didn't feel attracted neither to guys or girls at this point (which is normal i guess?) but sometimes when i would see a hot guy (shirtless) on tv or something i would get horny and i would also fantasize about kissing boys, but i wouldn't pay much attention to that and a minute later i would just forget it.
One time in the 4th grade (9/10yo) i kissed a guy and we almost jerked off together (we were caught) and i really liked it. That was my first contact with a guy.
Up until this point i was a very outgoing kid, but then came two major transitions in my life: i moved away from my mom's house (where i lived with her and my siblings) to my dad's (where i lived with him alone) and entered high school.
The first two years were not the worst. Actually, they went really smoothly. I didn't have many friends but i wasn't too shy either. Over time this changed.
My best friend at this time was a cousin of mine, and he was REALLY shy. I would hang out with him a lot of the time and i started to look up to him as a role model. I think this was one of the things that affected me and made me going from outgoing to shy, 'cos i started to see the world as he saw it (i.e started to interiorize his values and beliefs and took them as absolute, 'cos i was a person who could be easily influenced by the people i like (and i still am sadly)). Also, i guess the fact that my dad lived alone and didn't like to go out made me want to stay home more often too and around this time i became addicted to video games, which didn't help the shyness either.
On 6th grade i did a terrible thing and i think this happened because i was getting more conscious of my sexuality despite not thinking much about it. So my best friend from elementary school was this kind of guy who you could tell from a distance that he was gay. He was not TOO feminine, but was feminine enough for people to discriminate him. One time on a P.E class i remember i laughed at him with my other colleagues and at the time i didn't care but later on i really regretted doing that (we continued speaking though and we're still good friends today). I guess i did this in order to fit in the group like any adolescent wants, 'cos gay=different and different=discrimination and i didn't want that.
On the 7th grade (12/13yo) was the peak of my shyness and social isolation. I was in a new class (only had 3 colleagues from my previous class) and i was really nervous and would not approach any of my new colleagues because i was afraid of what they would think of me (something which i had never struggled with before). It was on this time that my current problem began i think.
I started to look at guys and fantasizing about them. But not any guys: older guys. Namely my teachers. And this went on and on through high school.
I started watching porn around this time too, first on my phone and later (on 9th grade) on pc. And now comes the worst part: i started getting REALLY horny and i just wanted to have sex and see what it's like finally. So i devised a plan...I didn't know any gay guys in my area and i just couldn't walk up to a guy and ask them if they were gay, so i resorted to the only guy i knew was gay: a 60 and something yo guy who was a friend of my mom. I went to his house with the excuse i needed to go to the bathroom and he approached me there and kissed my dick. We then went to his bedroom and he gave me a blowjob. While he was doing it i felt a lot of regret and i told him i needed to come back otherwise my mother would miss me. So he let me go and he told me not to tell anyone.
I rushed out of there as fast as i could! I dropped by my mom's to deliver something she had asked me to pick up and went to my dad's. He was outside doing something and i went inside his bedroom and took all his sleeping pills. Went to the bathroom, thinking about what i had done and i just felt so dirty, so guilty. I started crying, a lot! I think i never cried so much in my life up until that point. I felt a lot of regret and i thought i just couldn't live with that and so i took the pills and lied on the living room's couch with a letter next to me telling that i was gay and what had happened.
The next day i woke up at the hospital, my dad was there and he barely spoke to me. Spent a couple of days at my mom's recovering (i was really weak and i think i developed a fever as well). I was feeling really bad and depressed at this time, feeling ashamed because everyone knew what i had done and so i decided to do something worse: lie.
My dad went to my mom's to check on me and i asked to talk to him in private. I told him that what i had written in the letter was a lie and that the guy had forced me to have sex with him and i had just made that up because he threatened me that he would hurt him and mom.
Everyone believed. Unfortunantely. The worse part came after this with court and all that and i felt really really depressed in the following years. If i had just told them the truth i would have saved 3 years of my life feeling depressed, but that's past now. (btw, this all happened on 8th grade).
On 9th grade i had this colleague with who i shared common interests (more like i "appropriated" his interests in order to hang out with him more often) and i started to look up to him (just like my cousin, but this time was different). Over time i realised i couldn't live without him and that his company meant the world to me. At first i thought it was just a really good friendship, but then i started to think i had feelings for him.
He WAS really cute and attractive, but i never told him that and never told him i was gay. On the 11th grade we went to different classes and each went their separate ways.
On summer vacation, before starting the 12th grade, i discovered gay chats and online dating websites. This was my first contact with gay people. Started chatting with guys on chat rooms but they were all far away from me so there wouldn't be any sex between us, but we would exchange pictures. At this time the urge to have sex was really big.
I then discovered Manhunt. There i met a local guy and we started talking and we both agreed on meeting in his house for my first experience. I was really nervous but i really wanted to try it. He was 34 and i was 18 and i didn't really feel attracted to him but he had a nice dick and my hormones were spiking. Sure i was afraid, but the curiosity was bigger.
We had oral sex basically, and each came by jerking off individually. I was AMAZED because i had never seen an adult dick (i would see my colleagues but i would try not to look at them) and at the same time really nervous. After leaving is home came the feeling: regret and dirty. I spoke to an online gay friend of my age and he made feel better and more calm.
After this guy i was with a teacher (24yo) two times, a guy from manhunt (48yo) and another from facebook (50yo). Also another local guy from manhunt (35yo) and another which was passing by (30 something).
I guess of all these encounters i felt better with the teacher, the other i would either feel regret or disgust afterwards. I texted on a regular basis with the teacher too so maybe that had something to do with it.
At this point i had accepted my sexuality and didn't feel like i was a freak anymore. I started feeling better about myself.
So after finishing the 12th grade i moved to Sao Miguel to go to college. I lived in a small island and so the transition to an island where everything is bigger and where you can basically get anything you want at the shops was overwhelming to me. Also people here don't know each other so much so there's less gossip and that made me feel more free.
Since the island was bigger and there were more people i started to use manhunt again to meet new people (bad move!). Basically i went out with a couple (34 and 40yo) once, a guy in his early 30 and another on his late 30. But one guy in particular was significant and made me really feel bad about sex. This was a 35yo buff guy which i had spoken online before moving here and he sounded like a nice guy (even though i wasn't attracted to his face i was attracted to his body).
I didn't want to have a relationship with him, because i didn't find him attractive and because he was older than me, but i did want to have sex with him because i had always fantasized having sex with a buff guy like i had watched in porn.
So i had sex with him. Again afterwards i felt regret. It didn't happen like i had pictured, plus i wasn't really feeling in the mood on that day (was tired from the airplane ride). So we did it again a few months later, decided i should try and see if this time was better. It was actually worse :s The first time i had bottomed and i felt pain and couldn't relax, but he used condom first. This time he shoved the head of his penis WITHOUT a condom and before he continued i asked if he had a condom, and he said yes and he put it. Then he asked me to top him and i did. But before i put the condom he rubbed his ass against my dick and i was ok with that, but then he grabbed my dick and shoved it in his ass. I steped away and asked him again and he gave me the condom. I totally did not enjoy topping him. First he sweats a lot and he was really smelly and so it got to the point where i was trying hard just to cum and be done with it. I eventually came in his mouth and he was going to kiss me and i moved away.
I was SO disgusted by that! I didn't think he would put me through that danger with him! And so i abstained from sex every since that time. I actually got felt disgust towards sex. (But on the 23rd of december i went with that 50yo guy i had been once just to try again 'cos he had a nice dick but i didn't like it)
On this time period without sex i talked with a friend my age online and one day we met. We were talking and walking for like 3 or 4 hours (this was the first time i met him in real life) and i liked him a lot. He's really handsome. The following days i was always thinking about him and just wanted to be with him again. I actually thought i had feelings for him and i talked with him about it and he said that couldn't be because we had only just met. I gave him the reason, but that didn't stop from me feeling miserable about not being with him.
Eventually things calmed down and today i don't feel this attachment to him anymore. 'Cos that's the problem: i get attached to people i like really easy, and the thought of not being with them just makes feel really anxious and sad.
But recently i met another guy online. He is a year older than me and he is just sooo HOT! Omg! He lives far away from me so there's no way for us to meet, but this summer i intend to go to his town and meet him. The thing is he is a really sexual person and we jerked off cam to cam a couple of times but these last two times i found it hard to cum with him. I would just take too long to cum, but when watching porn i was able to cum, and so i opened a browser window and put up a porn video without him knowing and came looking at it.
I've been feeling really depressed since then. I try to think about him naked and jerking off and i just don't get aroused, despite the fact that i find him really handsome and hot.
I've been searching the last couple of days for the possible reason this happens. At first i thought i was anxious, because in all my sexual encounters i would feel anxious and would need to jerk off individually in order to cum. I checked a site called Your Brain On Porn and i actually identified my self with a lot of what the guys there say. I think i may have porn induced delayed ejaculation (on sexual encounters) and porn induced erectile disfunction (on the guy's case). Now if this is true than i must go through a period of abstinence from porn and masturbating so as to my brain recover from all the artifical stimulation from porn. I think this may be the cause because i watch a lot of porn and maybe this is why i don't find pleasure in real life sex.
But that's not my only theory. The thing is i find older men very attractive (by older i mean late 20's and 30's), more so if they are slightly hairy, buff (mostly) and if they have dark hair the better. But maybe that's just a fetiche. I don't see myself on a relationship with an older person and the thought really never crossed my mind. I would like to have a relationship with someone my age, but what if i only feel attracted to older guys?
Another thing, i can get aroused by guys my age with whom i don't talk to but not with guys i talk to. Could this be because i see them as people i care about and not someone that i want to take to bed despite the fact that they may be very attractive? I just don't think this is a possible explanation.
I feel so lost guys...truly. I know that we won't be able to have a relationship because he lives far away from him, but like i said he is a very sexual person and when i meet him i want to be able to please him. Not only that, i don't want to feel like this when i meet someone and eventually fall in love with them.
Any feedback would be appreciated. If you read so far thank you so much
Hugs,
Tony
What you talk to the therapist remains between you two.