A Moral Quandary of Sorts.

[jackal_78]

A friend of mine is a resident assistant here on the campus I live in and has relayed to me that one of the girls on her floor has a bit of a crush on me. I find her (the girl on her floor, not my friend) fairly attractive and it seems like we would have fairly similar interests, however I've never been in a relationship before nor have I had any experience in responding to things such as this. I can easily count off on one hand the number of women that have ever been attracted to me in my life, and as for guys, I've never seen it happen. I wouldn't consider myself as unattractive as I used to be (in high school and such) but the stigma of it still sticks with me and plagues my confidence.

In terms of my sexuality, I would consider myself leaning more towards the gay side of the scale (at least in terms of physical attraction, emotionally it's pretty even) and I have wondered from time to time if in fact I am just gay but haven't pieced it together yet. I feel almost guilty at the thought of fully realizing my sexuality half a year or so into a relationship with a woman and having to break it off. But at the same time, right now I am attracted to her. I guess my question is would it be fair for me to pursue this? Or should I try and focus on myself and figure things out first?

 

[G-Lexington]

As I'm not bisexual, nor have I ever thought I was, this is new ground for me. My gut feeling says to go ahead and get to know her, although you might want to keep it out of the bedroom until you get to know her a bit better. If you find things heading in that direction, you probably should tell her you're bisexual first, so she can decide whether to get physically involved.

Lex

 

[JSB_01]

Well, for one thing, I know exactly where you're coming from as far as having confidence issues. I think my appearance has improved a lot since high school, but I still feel self-conscious. But it'll pass with time. You look cute, so I wouldn't worry about your looks too much!
As for your other, more troublesome issue....that's a tough one! If you do go out with her and figure out you truly are gay, then that may really hurt her feelings. I would say that if you do go out with her and it ends up getting semi-serious, you should let her know you're bisexual. Letting her know sooner might be better, but I know that bringing up sexuality can be kind of hard to do, especially when you first meet someone. In all honesty, you can wait and figure out your sexuality on your own, or you can go out and date until you see which sex you like more, if you even do like one more. If I were bold, I would go out with her. Even if you do go out with someone, it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be a serious, long-term thing. My advice may not be the best since I've never been in a relationship either, but that's the best I can offer. Hope it was somewhat helpful!

 

[backpacker]

There are never guarantees in relationships and since you do like her, I say go for it. Just take it slow and let her know that you are not looking to be exclusive at this time. As long as you don't lead her into believing it is something that it's not, I think it's OK. If things start to develop more, than you could always tell her that you are bi.

As far as the confidence issue, I think that is normal for just about everyone at first. You are a very good looking guy and obviously good hearted as demonstrated by this post. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Jackal,

Understanding yourself, really knowing yourself comes with time...and experience. Your young and while that doesn't change how you feel about yourself and the fact that you know that you are at least bi, it doesn't change the confusion we feel as we try to figure out who we love, what we love and what makes us tick.

But there is one thing that really important here....and the way you asked the question shows me the type of guy you really are.

The things that make you up...your morals, your honesty, your values, your respect consideration and compassion for others...they wont change no matter what orientation you end up feeling most comfortable. Your ability to relate and appeal to the people around you, your ability to care and love wont change because you prefer one sex over the other or equally.

You will always be you.

Figuring yourself out is always easier with someone who loves and cares for you. Its amazing how much you learn about yourself from how you treat others...and from your posts here its easy to see why this girl is attracted to you.

Just ask yourself this...should you tell her your thoughts? Would you be able to share yourself completely with her? Would you hide anything from her?

I dont think you're the open caring guy that would.

Are you wrong not to pursue anything? Thats up to you... and her. If you;re completely honest with the girl, if you tell her you're bi, that your still figuring yourself out and give her the facts then thats makes you a pretty special guy. It gives her to see the real guy that she already thinks a lot of. And it gives both of you a chance to grow and learn and love together.

Dont deny yourself the chance to be happy mate if you believe theres a chance you could be with her. Theres nothing to say that we're ever meant to know who we really are.

Just be the same upfront honest compassionate guy you've been here, dont hide or lie....and let the cards fall where they may.

That way neither of you will get hurt or be mislead...and who knows...you just might have found the love of your life.

 

[jackal_78]

...although you might want to keep it out of the bedroom until you get to know her a bit better.

Oh I really wouldn't worry about that. I'm not the type to jump into bed until in a very serious/stable relationship.

Even if you do go out with someone, it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be a serious, long-term thing.

As long as you don't lead her into believing it is something that it's not, I think it's OK. If things start to develop more, than you could always tell her that you are bi.

This is entirely true. There isn't a guarantee that we'll even end up taking it past the first date or two anyways.

If you're completely honest with the girl, if you tell her you're bi, that your still figuring yourself out and give her the facts then thats makes you a pretty special guy. It gives her to see the real guy that she already thinks a lot of. And it gives both of you a chance to grow and learn and love together.

Dont deny yourself the chance to be happy mate if you believe theres a chance you could be with her. Theres nothing to say that we're ever meant to know who we really are.

I totally agree with what you're saying, but I'm still completely in the closet and not really ready to come out to everyone in my life at this point. I've been trying to come out to my best friend (the aforementioned R.A. friend) but I just chicken out every time I try and bring it up. I'm thinking the next time we're talking I'll basically everything I've said here and see what her opinion is. (I know without a doubt she won't have a problem with me being bi, but I still need to just work up the courage...)

And thanks so much for the advice guys, it's definitely helping a lot. It's really nice just to be able to vocalize all the things I've been wrestling with internally, not to mention actually have people offer support and advice.

 

[backpacker]

Next time your RA friend brings up this other girl, just tell her that you are interested, but are concerned about leading this other girl on because your bi. Seems to kill two birds with one stone and it's a reason to bring up being bi.

 

[Just_Believe18]

If you claim you're bisexual and you haven't given yourself a real opportunity to pursue the opposite sex, I recommend you try.

Remember, if she likes you, she wants to make it work. Don't feel nervous about making mistakes. Try a date and see what happens.

 

[jackal_78]

Well, to give a bit of an update, I've been spending a little more time with this girl and I really don't feel anything. I mean, according to what I was ever attracted to in the past she should be basically perfect. She listens to really similar music as me, we love the same shows, in body type she's exactly what I've previously gone for, even little quirky disfunctionalities between us match up...but I just don't feel anything. I have had crushes on women in the past, so I know I should be feeling at least something. But there's nothing.

And as many people have mentioned, I'm not solely concerned about putting a label on my sexuality at this point, but if I'm going to be coming out to people, I'd like to at least have a rough idea as to what I am.

Should I view this as a sign that perhaps I am gay? Or could it just be this one person that for whatever reason unknown to me it just doesn't work?

And again, thanks everyone for responding!

 

[RicanDAB]

Jackal,

I believe the simple answer is that you should continue to date members of both sexes and at some point you will naturally find your niche in either the gay or bisexual world --- only YOU can ultimately decide which is more comfortable for you. I don't think that based on this one experience with this girl you should already pidgeon-hole yourself. You're 20, still a babe! Enjoy your life and remember that there is still plenty of time to find yourself.

 

[Muskox]

Well, to give a bit of an update, I've been spending a little more time with this girl and I really don't feel anything. I mean, according to what I was ever attracted to in the past she should be basically perfect. She listens to really similar music as me, we love the same shows, in body type she's exactly what I've previously gone for, even little quirky disfunctionalities between us match up...but I just don't feel anything. I have had crushes on women in the past, so I know I should be feeling at least something. But there's nothing.

I think you've answered your own question here. If you've gotten to know this girl and don't feel a romantic attraction or a budding friendship, it's time to accept that nothing is going to happen. It doesn't necessarily mean you are gay or not, just that there is no spark with this particular person.

If you are certain that your R.A. friend won't have a problem with your unsettled sexual identity, I urge you to talk to her. Tell her what you've told us. I'm sure she will have useful comments and just talking about it will help you enormously. You need a confidant and she seems a great choice. Go do it!!

 

[m59583]

Exactly my thoughts by most of who's responded here.

If you aren't sure about your sexuality, you aren't going to learn anything by staying out of a relationship. If you want to learn more, you have to try more.

I wouldn't give up JUST yet, though. You don't always instantly have attraction to someone, and you can't just give up if the spark isn't there the first time.

Who takes a match, and if it doesn't flame on the first strike, throws it away and tries another? A wasteful man.

After two or three, or even five or six times---if you haven't felt anything, then yes, I would move on.

 

[confusedboy23]

If you claim you're bisexual and you haven't given yourself a real opportunity to pursue the opposite sex, I recommend you try.

Remember, if she likes you, she wants to make it work. Don't feel nervous about making mistakes. Try a date and see what happens.

How true?!

We all make mistakes and we tend to learn and grow stronger from them. So, fear not, my friend.

What I'd recommend though is whenever you feel that it's the right time, come clean to her about your worries and your confusions. If she's the one for you, I reckon she'd understand. That way, at least you know you're being honest and not hiding anything behind her back. And even if anything should happen, you know you won't regret hiding it.

I've had a very similar experience of sort. I've always been in relationships with girls but when the right guy came along, we just hit it off. Although it didn't last, I knew I've done the right by telling him everything from the very start.

 

[jackal_78]

As to every one's advice, I completely agree. I was just kind of frustrated at the time since, as I had said, she theoretically should be perfect for me (we both even find wearing used clothing extremely creepy) and I wasn't feeling anything. But I've thought about it more and I realize how silly it is to term myself gay after not immediately feeling anything for one girl.

If you are certain that your R.A. friend won't have a problem with your unsettled sexual identity, I urge you to talk to her. Tell her what you've told us.

It's funny you left this now, cause I actually did come out to her last night. She was the first person I've ever told and was completely okay with it. So it's really nice to know I have someone to talk with now.

But at the same time, I didn't feel any different afterwards. I was expecting to feel like a giant weight had come off my shoulders...but nothing really. I mean, from reading other people's stories it always seemed like a much more momentous occasion, but afterwards I didn't (and still don't) feel any different.

I mean, has anyone else experienced this? Or am I just being ridiculous to expect anything more?

 

[backpacker]

Congratulations on coming out! That was a huge step. Not everyone has same reaction after coming out. I don't think you were as anxious as some are, therefore you didn't have that giant weight on your shoulders. That's not to say that you weren't anxious, I'm just saying you didn't let it become the focal point of your life. I also think the fact that you were sure she would be OK with it greatly reduced the stress level.

With regard to the question of your sexuality, I think you are on the right path. You don't need a label. Just follow your heart. The fact that you are not turned on by one person that seem to perfectly fit your ideal, doesn't mean anything. In any relationship, you also need chemistry. You just don't appear to have any with her. It could be that you're gay or it could be that she just don't do it for you for some other reason.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Jackal,

Congrats on confiding in someone....thats a huge step!!! Well done mate!

To back track a little... its great to see just in a few short posts your understanding of yourself change so quickly! To see your comments in your last posts about not being attracted to the girl not necessarily making you gay...well its just a sign that you've broken out of your old thinking and your not trapped so much anymore into having to fit into boxes or having to make decisions....thats the best thing you can do. Its a sign that you're prepared to let things grow and evolve...and let the journey take you where it will. Settle back mate...enjoy the ride...take your time...learn from your mistakes and cherish the good times...it will all work out...it always does.

As for your coming out being a little bit of a non event... Well mate it seems to work like this...the greater the risk the greater the reward...in other words it can depend on who you tell. I'll explain in a sec...but you also need to understand that it may not be such a huge revelation or weight lifted as you expected...and thats simply because now you are getting a perspective on what it means to your life. Yes...its big news. But as you understand yourself better, accept yourself and know that you are still you, still a pretty unique and awesome guy, the fact that your are gay really only adds another colour to your pallet. It doesnt grow you an extra head. You realise that the announcement can mean as much or as little to you as you want or need it to be. You will always be you...the same as you were 5 minutes before you came out...it just that now you are true to yourself...and honest with the world.

But you will find telling some people will mean more than others. Your family and close friends will feel different to this girl. I think that by telling your friend that you are still discovering who you are you've done an incredible thing...you've treated her with the respect and the trust that she could have only hoped for. But for you it was a way to help sooth your nerves about not feeling more for her... to help explain why you didnt want to be with her. You obviously care for her mate, and you've done the right thing for sure...a courageous show of strength, but I suspect it was more a relief for you that she now understands why you dont want to pursue her than the fact that she accepted you as maybe gay.... Perhaps thats why it didnt feel so huge...simply because while the last thing that you wanted to do was hurt her, you also wanted to protect yourself. A perfectly natural normal thing to want to do.

Dont worry about it mate. Dont panic. The biggest thing Jackal is simply the fact that you're growing to better understand yourself which is just awesome...and the other is that you are gaining strength and courage everyday to face the people who mean so much to you, who love you unconditionally. And its when you tell them, its when they see you as a complete soul, thats when you'll know that its all been worth it. That youre still the same...only better than before.

 

[Riverrick]

Its a process, Jackal. One step at a time. You're discovering yourself, your sexuality and testing the waters. And doing a fine job of it.

Since you aren't sure you are gay vs bi, then I wouldn't expect you to feel a huge relief with coming out. They guys who say they do feel that have been thinking and dreaming of coming out for years. Your coming out is following a different path, one that is unique to you.

 

[spreadeagle]

You think too much.

There can be no 'coming out' without some self-realisation and conviction about what you're emerging from and entering into.

This much is certain: if you want to experience a sexual relationship with another person then at some point in your life you're going to have to face the possibility of rejection. There can be no Love without Risk.

I would have thought it was a fantastic opportunity to form a close friendship with another person with whom you have so much in common. Take off the sex-tinted lenses and look at the wider picture.

 

[jackal_78]

I also think the fact that you were sure she would be OK with it greatly reduced the stress level.

This is entirely true, at this point I only plan on telling those people that I know are going to have no problem with it. Not that any of them shouldn't have seen it coming to be honest as I've always been fairly effeminate. I don't think I'm going to come out to everyone here though (at least at this point) for several reasons:

1. The campus I'm on is fairly conservative and christian and I know I would be treated differently by a lot of people.

2. I'm probably only going to be here for one more year.

3. Most of the people I hang around with would be really weird if they found out, but I don't really have a lot in common with most of them anymore, and besides the few close friends I will be telling, I have no desire to ever see any of them again.

You think too much.

Ha, this is entirely true, one of my shortcomings I fear.

I would have thought it was a fantastic opportunity to form a close friendship with another person with whom you have so much in common. Take off the sex-tinted lenses and look at the wider picture.

Oh I have no problem whatsoever with just a friendship with her, the only reason I even considered otherwise is because I had been told that she really liked me. As for the sex-tinted glasses, ha, let's just say you really don't know me if you think that. As I had mentioned in a previous post I can't see myself entering into a sexual relationship for quite a while and definitely not until I'm in a stable relationship. I guess I'm just a prude like that.

And tallguy, I fear you've been slightly mislead. It wasn't the girl that has a crush on me that I told, it was rather my R.A. friend who I'm really close with.

 

[tallguy297]

And tallguy, I fear you've been slightly mislead. It wasn't the girl that has a crush on me that I told, it was rather my R.A. friend who I'm really close with.

Bugga.

Sorry mate... I guess scrub some of that then...still i stand by what I said about you growing so quickly and letting yourself have a bit of freedom in your thinking. Thats really the important stuff...to get perspective... and you have.

And as to how you think others will react... they will see you. The real you. the same articulate passionate caring you that you are now. Dont underestimate the value and the power of who you are right now. None of that changes and thats who people see. People dont just get cast aside because they are gay...they get cast aside because its the straw that breaks the camels back. Thats not you. You're ability to show concern to love to be compassionate make you far more valuable than that.

Jackal, dont ever apologize or feel you need to make excuses about your standards either. You're not a prude...thats the last thing you are. You're someone who has made a decision to respect himself and the way he wants to love and be loved. Thats not being a prude...thats smart and its actually very impressive. It shows your values and integrity. You do what makes you feel comfortable safe and proud. Its your life...and its your gift to give away and receive. You make it as special and as important as you want it to be.

As for thinking too much.... hell we can all do that! But if thats what made you progress the way you have, helped you the way it has in the last short time...then good for you. Just remember to think about how valuable you are, important you are...and how happy you deserve to be.

With that sort of thinking mate your life is yours to own!