BritBoy1989
On the Prowl
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- May 5, 2010
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Hey everyone, I just wanted to come on here and post about my recent experience with the coming out process. When I myself was still in the closet and building up the courage to take the first (and biggest) step, coming onto these boards and reading other people's stories or receiving advice from JUB members helped enormously, so I wanted to give a little something back to the community that helped me so much.
First, I'll give a little background to myself. I'm an 18 year old only child living with my Mum and Dad prior to [hopefully] going away to University in September. I live in the north of the UK, near Sheffield, and I've known I was gay, or at least different, from around age 13 or 14.
Parents
The very first people I told were my parents. It was a Sunday evening, and we were in the middle of dinner. I had been building up to this moment for months, after deciding I wanted to come out at around Christmas time, and I just found myself in a place where I could no longer find reason or excuse to not go ahead and do it. My mum's immediate reaction was 'it's ok', and she was immediately supportive, telling me about how one of her friends at work was gay and that she 'loves gay men'
My Dad was quiet, for a while, and then launching into his own line of questioning, which revolved mainly around 'How do you know?' and 'you never know, you could meet the right girl...'. I answered him as calmly and maturely as I could, explaining to him that I knew in the same way he knows he likes women. I could have argued with him about it endlessly, but I appreciated the fact that this could be a knee-jerk reaction to the situation, and that he would need some time to get his head round it. Towards the end of this, I was a little overwhelmed with emotion, and somehow found myself in an embrace with tears streaming everywhere with my Mum.
Now, a few weeks later, I've found my Mum is definitely the one I feel most comfortable talking about anything gay-related with, updating her on my status in the coming-out process. She has asked me to not tell people who might lead a trail back to my Grandma and Granddad, as she doesn't think they could handle it and, in her own words, 'it could kill them'. Not the most pleasant way of phrasing it, but I see where she's coming from, and I see no reason to tell any of our extended family personally. I figure that the best approach would be to let them find out naturally, either in conversation or through my mum or whatever. My Dad seems to have come to terms with it well, and he has started referring to the topic as me being gay rather than as just 'have you told them about it?' or the like. I think he probably still is holding out slightly for me to bring a girl home, but that doesn't really affect me as long as I know personally who I am.
Best Friends
The next person I told was my best friend, who's a girl. I took her to a little coffee shop, sat down, and just said 'I don't know how else to word this so... I'm gay.' Basically, her reply was that she hadn't categorised me one way or another anyway, and that her future children 'will have a gay uncle!' She's been really amazing throughout this whole thing, and I think that she's just cool with the fact that she now has a gay best friend to tout around everywhere
But honestly, I already kind of knew that she would be fine with it, and it's great to have at least one person in whom you can confide throughout this whole thing.
I then told my best friend who I had been close with through all of my childhood (basically from age 6 all the way to 16) but who I've kind of drifted apart from a bit due to different choices in courses at College and so we just didn't naturally spend a lot of time together. He is in a Performing Arts course, so he has got quite a number of gay friends anyway, but he also holds an extremely liberal viewpoint and he has been brilliant about it all. He told me that he believes that he doesn't see why homosexuals should be treated as any different to heterosexuals, and even going as far as to say that he doesn't understand why gay people should have to 'come out' as themselves. Honestly, if everyone was accepting and frankly intelligent as this guy, the world would be a much happier place. The one thing that was kind of awkward was that his cousin had literally come out the week before, but if anything this just worked out in my favour as it gave me a segway- 'you know how your cousin came out last week? Well...' I thought I had told him earlier in life anyway, and mentioned this, to which his response was 'well you had, but I thought it was just a phase 'cos you didn't mention it again and it's not my secret to tell.' Seriously, he's awesome.
Friends
The following two reactions were both from close female friends, and are actually quite funny. With one, I blurted it out, and she just went 'OK' and then we both started laughing, and with the other, she did not believe me at all, turning to me and my female best friend who I had first told, shouting 'is this another plot to catch me out?! are you playing a prank on me?!' We all ended up in hysterics, and it was pretty hilarious after how much i had built up to the moment.
Gay Friend
I also told a friend of mine who came out during High School, and who I have been close to for a few years. All I did in this situation was comment on some hot guys, saying how I thought they were good-looking. He agreed with me, but I still felt I had to clarify this to him, so I said 'you'vem issed some stuff whilst you've been away. I came out as gay on Sunday.' Haha He literally had no reaction, but in a good way, and it went really well. He was obviously someone easy to tell, due to the fact that he had gone through it himself.
Ex-Girlfriend
The final big one was an ex-girlfriend who I had dated when I was 16 for two weeks and then we ended it on the grounds of 'being too good friends for there to be anything more'. Of course, there was obviously a much more fundamental barrier, but I was still coming to terms with it all back then and... whatever. Anyway, we went on a walk, and we sat in the park, and I told her. Her reaction was much the same as my Dad's, asking 'how did I know' and stuff like that, before joking 'I turned you' haha It was odd, and slightly awkward I suppose. I had to justify me going out with her two years ago, as well as my faux attraction to her throughout all High School, and attempted to do so by saying that I was still discovering myself and that I did love her, but not in the way that would allow for a relationship- more like a sister than anything else. I think she preferred the idea that we were incompatible because we were such good friends, and even went so far as to say 'I wish that you'd had a proper relationship beforehand.' Whilst I can see where she's coming from, I could also have replied with 'well you didn't need to have a lesbian relationship before dating a boy, so why should I?' I don't see her that often anyway, so it doesn't really matter so much what she believes in her own time. As long as she didn't find out from someone else, I wasn't that bothered.
And that's it. That's everyone who I told personally. From here on in, I'm just going to stop being straight. It won't define me, that I'm gay, but I won't hide it either. Like my friend said, 99% of people won't have categorised me, or won't care anyway, so it really doesn't matter to them.
Resources
Here I thought I would just put some of the stuff that helped me through the process, for all of the years building up to it as well as during the whole thing itself. Everyone is different, but I found all of these really helpful:
1) First and foremost, justusboys.com. It's easy to come on here and see it as just some porn site, but if you look just a little deeper there is a massive community here in the forums who, whilst providing you with links and pictures of some very hot guys, will also help, support and provide advice if you ask for it. The number of times I've posted threads on here looking for help and receiving it is innumerable, and even though it's only typed words on a computer screen, it does give you the feeling of a support structure and someone to turn to. I also found solace in just reading random threads, not just ones on the Coming Out board. Stuff about general gay life, relationships, or even just polls or threads about hot guys were comforting because I could read them and see loads of people just being themselves and discussing their problems and lives.
2) Youtube. Watching a video of someone talking about their own experiences straight into a camera is much the same as reading about one on here, except you can see the person themselves and see how strong they still are after it all. It is not some massive thing that, if it doesn't go as expected, you won't see the other side of. Not all the stories are happy ones, but seeing the person who is still moving on with their lives and staying strong afterwards being brave enough to put it all on tape and share it to the world is comforting in itself. It's also worth watching some of the Trevor Project 'It Get's Better' videos. Even though I was not, and still am not anywhere near suicidal, seeing some of the people you would normally only see on TV or in magazines sitting down and showing their own support and acceptance, such as Zachary Quinto, Anne Hathaway, or Kathy Griffin, can help enormously.
3) Lady Gaga. Obviously this is a matter of personal preference, but to me she helped massively. Even if you find 'Born This Way' a little too cheesy or obvious, just seeing a woman of our generation who is proud to devote time to support the gay community through both politics and music is inspiring. I'm not saying she is the first; of course there is Madonna, Liza, and many others, but Gaga is the one who I connected with the most, manufactured or not. Even just the connection between her and her fanbase, no matter what sexuality, gave me the feeling of not only larger support but also that of a friend. If I felt low, or down, I could go up to my room and blast out her music or watch some of her interviews and feel better about myself., through the strength of her own personal message. Again, this one really is dependent upon the person, but if you can find someone to identify with, then more the better.
4) Gay people around you. This is another one reliant upon your own situation, etc, but I found strength in looking at how one of my friends could be openly gay and happy. He is living his life, as himself, with no consideration to the judgement of others. We are a minority, yes, but we are not rare.
To Conclude
Finally, I'd just like to say on a personal level that the biggest barrier I found to be overcome was just being able to think 'this isn't about them, this is about me'. Whilst this may sound selfish, it truly is the main issue I had- I was more preoccupied with what numerous other people would think rather than actually getting on with it and helping myself. Like I've said before, the majority of people will either not be bothered or will have assumed it anyway. I was lucky enough to be in a position where most people hadn't even considered me in that way anyway; regardless, if they do reject you or behave differently towards you, then you should either give them a little time to get their head around it (as with my Dad) or appreciate that they simply aren't worth you anyway. It will be initially awkward, and it may not be the instant relief you are expecting- but I can't stress enough how much it will be worth it in the long run.
If you've read all of this, then thanks, and if you, like me, are trawling these boards in search of some form of solace, then I hope I could provide you with a little
More than anything, this will make a nice memoir of the whole experience. Never forget; you are not alone.
First, I'll give a little background to myself. I'm an 18 year old only child living with my Mum and Dad prior to [hopefully] going away to University in September. I live in the north of the UK, near Sheffield, and I've known I was gay, or at least different, from around age 13 or 14.
Parents
The very first people I told were my parents. It was a Sunday evening, and we were in the middle of dinner. I had been building up to this moment for months, after deciding I wanted to come out at around Christmas time, and I just found myself in a place where I could no longer find reason or excuse to not go ahead and do it. My mum's immediate reaction was 'it's ok', and she was immediately supportive, telling me about how one of her friends at work was gay and that she 'loves gay men'
My Dad was quiet, for a while, and then launching into his own line of questioning, which revolved mainly around 'How do you know?' and 'you never know, you could meet the right girl...'. I answered him as calmly and maturely as I could, explaining to him that I knew in the same way he knows he likes women. I could have argued with him about it endlessly, but I appreciated the fact that this could be a knee-jerk reaction to the situation, and that he would need some time to get his head round it. Towards the end of this, I was a little overwhelmed with emotion, and somehow found myself in an embrace with tears streaming everywhere with my Mum.Now, a few weeks later, I've found my Mum is definitely the one I feel most comfortable talking about anything gay-related with, updating her on my status in the coming-out process. She has asked me to not tell people who might lead a trail back to my Grandma and Granddad, as she doesn't think they could handle it and, in her own words, 'it could kill them'. Not the most pleasant way of phrasing it, but I see where she's coming from, and I see no reason to tell any of our extended family personally. I figure that the best approach would be to let them find out naturally, either in conversation or through my mum or whatever. My Dad seems to have come to terms with it well, and he has started referring to the topic as me being gay rather than as just 'have you told them about it?' or the like. I think he probably still is holding out slightly for me to bring a girl home, but that doesn't really affect me as long as I know personally who I am.
Best Friends
The next person I told was my best friend, who's a girl. I took her to a little coffee shop, sat down, and just said 'I don't know how else to word this so... I'm gay.' Basically, her reply was that she hadn't categorised me one way or another anyway, and that her future children 'will have a gay uncle!' She's been really amazing throughout this whole thing, and I think that she's just cool with the fact that she now has a gay best friend to tout around everywhere
But honestly, I already kind of knew that she would be fine with it, and it's great to have at least one person in whom you can confide throughout this whole thing.I then told my best friend who I had been close with through all of my childhood (basically from age 6 all the way to 16) but who I've kind of drifted apart from a bit due to different choices in courses at College and so we just didn't naturally spend a lot of time together. He is in a Performing Arts course, so he has got quite a number of gay friends anyway, but he also holds an extremely liberal viewpoint and he has been brilliant about it all. He told me that he believes that he doesn't see why homosexuals should be treated as any different to heterosexuals, and even going as far as to say that he doesn't understand why gay people should have to 'come out' as themselves. Honestly, if everyone was accepting and frankly intelligent as this guy, the world would be a much happier place. The one thing that was kind of awkward was that his cousin had literally come out the week before, but if anything this just worked out in my favour as it gave me a segway- 'you know how your cousin came out last week? Well...'
I thought I had told him earlier in life anyway, and mentioned this, to which his response was 'well you had, but I thought it was just a phase 'cos you didn't mention it again and it's not my secret to tell.' Seriously, he's awesome. Friends
The following two reactions were both from close female friends, and are actually quite funny. With one, I blurted it out, and she just went 'OK' and then we both started laughing, and with the other, she did not believe me at all, turning to me and my female best friend who I had first told, shouting 'is this another plot to catch me out?! are you playing a prank on me?!' We all ended up in hysterics, and it was pretty hilarious after how much i had built up to the moment.
Gay Friend
I also told a friend of mine who came out during High School, and who I have been close to for a few years. All I did in this situation was comment on some hot guys, saying how I thought they were good-looking. He agreed with me, but I still felt I had to clarify this to him, so I said 'you'vem issed some stuff whilst you've been away. I came out as gay on Sunday.' Haha
He literally had no reaction, but in a good way, and it went really well. He was obviously someone easy to tell, due to the fact that he had gone through it himself.Ex-Girlfriend
The final big one was an ex-girlfriend who I had dated when I was 16 for two weeks and then we ended it on the grounds of 'being too good friends for there to be anything more'. Of course, there was obviously a much more fundamental barrier, but I was still coming to terms with it all back then and... whatever. Anyway, we went on a walk, and we sat in the park, and I told her. Her reaction was much the same as my Dad's, asking 'how did I know' and stuff like that, before joking 'I turned you' haha
It was odd, and slightly awkward I suppose. I had to justify me going out with her two years ago, as well as my faux attraction to her throughout all High School, and attempted to do so by saying that I was still discovering myself and that I did love her, but not in the way that would allow for a relationship- more like a sister than anything else. I think she preferred the idea that we were incompatible because we were such good friends, and even went so far as to say 'I wish that you'd had a proper relationship beforehand.' Whilst I can see where she's coming from, I could also have replied with 'well you didn't need to have a lesbian relationship before dating a boy, so why should I?' I don't see her that often anyway, so it doesn't really matter so much what she believes in her own time. As long as she didn't find out from someone else, I wasn't that bothered. And that's it. That's everyone who I told personally. From here on in, I'm just going to stop being straight. It won't define me, that I'm gay, but I won't hide it either. Like my friend said, 99% of people won't have categorised me, or won't care anyway, so it really doesn't matter to them.
Resources
Here I thought I would just put some of the stuff that helped me through the process, for all of the years building up to it as well as during the whole thing itself. Everyone is different, but I found all of these really helpful:
1) First and foremost, justusboys.com. It's easy to come on here and see it as just some porn site, but if you look just a little deeper there is a massive community here in the forums who, whilst providing you with links and pictures of some very hot guys, will also help, support and provide advice if you ask for it. The number of times I've posted threads on here looking for help and receiving it is innumerable, and even though it's only typed words on a computer screen, it does give you the feeling of a support structure and someone to turn to. I also found solace in just reading random threads, not just ones on the Coming Out board. Stuff about general gay life, relationships, or even just polls or threads about hot guys were comforting because I could read them and see loads of people just being themselves and discussing their problems and lives.
2) Youtube. Watching a video of someone talking about their own experiences straight into a camera is much the same as reading about one on here, except you can see the person themselves and see how strong they still are after it all. It is not some massive thing that, if it doesn't go as expected, you won't see the other side of. Not all the stories are happy ones, but seeing the person who is still moving on with their lives and staying strong afterwards being brave enough to put it all on tape and share it to the world is comforting in itself. It's also worth watching some of the Trevor Project 'It Get's Better' videos. Even though I was not, and still am not anywhere near suicidal, seeing some of the people you would normally only see on TV or in magazines sitting down and showing their own support and acceptance, such as Zachary Quinto, Anne Hathaway, or Kathy Griffin, can help enormously.
3) Lady Gaga. Obviously this is a matter of personal preference, but to me she helped massively. Even if you find 'Born This Way' a little too cheesy or obvious, just seeing a woman of our generation who is proud to devote time to support the gay community through both politics and music is inspiring. I'm not saying she is the first; of course there is Madonna, Liza, and many others, but Gaga is the one who I connected with the most, manufactured or not. Even just the connection between her and her fanbase, no matter what sexuality, gave me the feeling of not only larger support but also that of a friend. If I felt low, or down, I could go up to my room and blast out her music or watch some of her interviews and feel better about myself., through the strength of her own personal message. Again, this one really is dependent upon the person, but if you can find someone to identify with, then more the better.
4) Gay people around you. This is another one reliant upon your own situation, etc, but I found strength in looking at how one of my friends could be openly gay and happy. He is living his life, as himself, with no consideration to the judgement of others. We are a minority, yes, but we are not rare.
To Conclude
Finally, I'd just like to say on a personal level that the biggest barrier I found to be overcome was just being able to think 'this isn't about them, this is about me'. Whilst this may sound selfish, it truly is the main issue I had- I was more preoccupied with what numerous other people would think rather than actually getting on with it and helping myself. Like I've said before, the majority of people will either not be bothered or will have assumed it anyway. I was lucky enough to be in a position where most people hadn't even considered me in that way anyway; regardless, if they do reject you or behave differently towards you, then you should either give them a little time to get their head around it (as with my Dad) or appreciate that they simply aren't worth you anyway. It will be initially awkward, and it may not be the instant relief you are expecting- but I can't stress enough how much it will be worth it in the long run.
If you've read all of this, then thanks, and if you, like me, are trawling these boards in search of some form of solace, then I hope I could provide you with a little
More than anything, this will make a nice memoir of the whole experience. Never forget; you are not alone. 
