A question about relationships

[JSB_01]

Hey everyone!
Well, I just wanted to ask a question about gay relationships. My friend, who knows I'm gay, was talking about this guy she thought I should meet. She said that he was a little feminine, so I would be the "man" of the relationship (as if I'm so masculine! But that's not the point.) Well, I was...not offended, but I guess taken aback because while I'm sure there are masc/fem relationships, I though it was a little stereotypical to automatically assume that one guy was to be the "woman," and the other the "man." I don't know that much about being gay, relationships, etc., so I was wondering if most relationships are "man/woman" orientated, or if most are "equal" when it comes to gender roles. Or maybe it's really not an issue? Sorry for the long post!

 

[Eagle653]

Hi JSB_01, and welcome to JUB! Glad you made your first post here.

I think a lot of people assume there are top/bottom, male/female, top/submissive, master/slave in every relationship. Dunno why?

When you're in a real gay relationship, all bets are off on this sort of thing and the rules and laws that govern husband/wife (hetero) relationships don't really apply. In my experience, both partners, at times, play traditionally male and female roles--in some situations out of strengths, some situations out of habit, and some out of convenience. It must drive straight folk crazy trying to figure out the gay couple next door, when they probably are pretty equalitarian in roles and it's not always obvious who's the "male" and who's the "female." LOL.

(Then again, in some cases it's as obvious as the sunrise, but that's another story.)

 

[Riverrick]

That's such an old idea. No one does that. There is no "man" or "woman" in a gay relationship, alright? There's two guys and stuff is divided up based on who likes to do what.

I used to hear that before I came out, too. Boy was I relieved to find out it wasn't true.

 

[JSB_01]

Yeah, I didn't think these "rules" applied. I wanted to tell her, but I wouldn't have been able to back it up!

 

[Soilwork]

I hate it when clueless straight people say things like that.

The assumption that feminine men can't be tops or masculine men only want feminine bottoms... it's annoying and shows SUCH a warped idea of what being gay is.

There are plenty of relationships out there with men who are sharing in everything...

 

[c0n0rm]

It all depends on the chemistry between the two people, and how the two people are comfortable behaving. If their relationship works they'll either be happy having defined "roles" like that, or they'll have a happy medium like I had in my last one.
It's never been an issue for me. If a guy is overly masculine or overly feminine it wouldn't get past the first date anyway

 

[confusedboy23]

I can't add much here but I would just say that it all depends on the couple and the particular relationship they're in. I don't think there is a need for such labels or definitions. I might just add that even in hetero relationships, the female could end up doing the macho work whilst the man handles the more feminine tasks!

 

[JSB_01]

I might just add that even in hetero relationships, the female could end up doing the macho work whilst the man handles the more feminine tasks!

Good point! Never thought of that. It's annoying when my friends make assumptions about gays, and I usually try to set them straight (as best I can, anyways!)

 

[pkacrotjs]

It is an interesting discussion, really.

Originally Posted by confusedboy23 View Post
I might just add that even in hetero relationships, the female could end up doing the macho work whilst the man handles the more feminine tasks!

When I was married to a woman, I actually had more of the feminine qualities than my ex did. (Okay, so I should have had a clue... let's not go there today.) Some of it is really just personality differences, and societal constraints that tell us we are to behave one way over another. I do love the look on people's face when they look at my husband and I and find out that I'm not the bottom..... (although we're both closer to versatile....)

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Yup, all bets are off.

A few people are still genuinely non-versatile. They are either tops or bottoms. So, yeah, their sexual life probably goes along those lines. Which is both fine and for them to determine.

Saying 'I am the man in this relationship', (mostly coz people assume that you largely play the insertive role) is dumb.

SC

 

[confusedboy23]

Good point! Never thought of that. It's annoying when my friends make assumptions about gays, and I usually try to set them straight (as best I can, anyways!)

Hmmm....aren't they already 'straight'? LOL

 

[maxxximum]

if one is more effeminate than the other, i think even most other gays would make the exact same assumption.

its only natural that one will emerge as the dominant (ie play the husband role) one, as its just how humans function when in groups. almost all teams need a leader in order to function. this is one of the reasons why i object to having my partner being called the "husband" as it carries a different connotation when applied to a gay partnership.

 

[Riverrick]

I don't make any assumptions about roles in the relationship or sexual roles that two gay men may have. A more fem guy isn't necessarily a bottom. Or a top. He may be neither. And what do I care?

There is no Man/Woman role in a gay male relationship in my experience. None. Neither is there a dominant or subordinant role. I mean, if you want to use stereotypes, a lot of fem guys are more vocal and extroverted and could be considered the dominent ones. This whole idea is stupid. Give it up.

 

[JSB_01]

This whole idea is stupid. Give it up.

Well, this wasn't my idea; I was just asking about it. I've never been in a relationship, and don't know any other gays (personally) that have either, so I just wanted to get a general opinion about the matter.