A question for those of you who have come out...

[Andross]

My mother never really cared for me, not before coming out and certainly not afterwards. In that regard, I am a bit jealous that you have such a working relationship to your mother. If she truly loves you as her son, she will accept your coming out as it is and still love you as her son. I think many people before coming out worry too much how their parents and/or friends will react. In these times it is not anymore as if you'll be disowned and chased out of your town, unless you live in one of those infamous "bible belt" towns where people are weird. Coming out is not as bad as it is feared by most but it is a great relief for the person having it. I felt much freer when I told my mother and my grandparents. They accepted it rather indifferently and wonder today when I will finally have a bf to present to them I think you should come out to your mother in a letter. That's probably the easiest way, if you cannot or do not want to do it personally.

 

[gaddou]

before my coming out me and my mother were never close. after she did not react so well. She accused my partner of doing it on me. She cried, cursed and finally she accepted it. Now we have a closer relationship and she like my partner a lot he his her second son. Do not be worry it might be bad for a while but I am sure she would be able to deal with it. U sually parents want their child to be happy and if yiou show her that this would make you happier she will ubderstand and be happy for you.I hope it will go smoothly for you. keep us informed.

 

[jockboy01]

Having heard many stories on JUB about guys coming out, I've learned one and only one thing.... it's not predictable. Every person is different and every guy's parents are different. Most take it better than the guy expects. Some take it as expected and a select few take it worse.

Having said all of that, I think the most important determinant of how a parent tolerates a child coming out is the situation itself. If the child knows/accepts and is comfortable with his sexuality, it tends to be an easier process. Telling parents in the middle of an arguement rarely turns out well.

Personally, after months of debating it, I've pretty much decided that when I tell my parents it will be by letter. This is because it is the only way I can express all that I want to say when I tell them. It can be logical, caring and understanding. IF I did it in person, I'm afraid it wouldn't end up like that. I wouldn't remember all that I wanted to tell them and it would likely end up with me defending my sexuality which is not optimal. This way they can read the letter and wrap their head around it a bit before we talk about it.

 

[Riverrick]

My mother took it badly but got over it and we have a good relationship now, easily as close or closer than before she knew. So it can turn out ok in the end.

I would wonder if your mother already doesn't suspect and that your not telling her is kind of a futile attempt to avoid causing her pain. If that is the case, then why waste you life for something she already may be thinking about. Good Luck!

 

[M4P]

Our relationship strengthened after I came out to her

I'd plan or wait for an opportunity when its just the two of you together if you can. I just think its nicer to be there in person

Good luck

 

[RicanDAB]

My mom passed away before I could come out to her, so I'll never know what it will be like to tell my mom that I am gay. Although I knew her well enough to know that she would not care either way, I just was not ready to come out to myself and therefore could not come to the point that I could tell her. I have come to recognize that this is most important. And because of this, I don't have regrets - because it was just not the time to do it.

If you cannot look at yourself and comfortably accept your sexuality, you cannot comfortably (and should not) come out to others.

And with this my 500th post, I believe I am now a Sex God ... kewl

 

[luminum]

My relationship with my mother got better, that didn;'t mean, however,t hat coming out to her was pleasent at all.

She severely disapproves. But I hink our relationship got better because I grew up. We were really close when I was young, but she also wore the pants most of the time. But beyond the terrible fights we have about my sexuality, we still love each other and have fun and talk and laugh. I make fun of her a lot. She disapproves of my sexuality because of her personal beliefs and her fears that I'll live a hard life, suffer, catch HIV, or something. I try to dissuade her of these ideas, but it's all up to her.

So we put it aside, and I wish I could share my joys and sorrows as they relate to my gay side and my experiences with dating and finding a boyfriend, but...

I say, you shoudl tell her. How she was before you came out is not all of her. When you tell her, you're respecting her by being honest with her and how she reacts will be a reflection of who she is and where she's at and will give you the oppurtunity to find true harmony together. And if that doesn't happen, at least you'll know and you'll never torment yourself with 'what ifs' when it's too late.

 

[hermanding]

my way of coming out mostly - with very few exceptions - was in living my life and letting others - including my mother- see what my life was (and i came prepared to accept that i might lose people, including her, by deciding i wasn't going to waste one more minute not being myself) and letting them deduce or refuse to deduce or whatever. if asked, it was acknowledged with pride. my guy and i started going to visit her together, taking her places, etc. if i came to see her, only on rare occasions an exception, he came too. she never uttered an unkind word to him and learned to rely on him to do hardware type things i simply was not equipped to do. she got it from the lives she saw, which were open. that does not always happen. if she had disowned me or been disappointed, then i would have realized maybe i had not evaluated her correctly - my mother should want MY happiness, whatever it might be.
ding

 

[Eagle653]

I think my relationship with my mother improved--at least got closer--after I came out. As it turns out, she knew for some time, so it was basically a confirmation of what she already knew. Before I came out, the "issue" was like the 800 lb elephant in the living room that everyone was determined to not mention and ignore.

I think how your mother (any others) "take it" depends, in large part, on how it's presented. If you present it as something you're confident in, and are comfortable with--even happy with--then that goes a long way in helping others feel comfortable and be happy for you. If, however, you approach it in an apologetic way, or a sad/depressed way--as something you hate about yourself--then it will naturally be perceived as a negative and something to feel sorry for you about (like--I have this "horrible condition" that I can't get rid of). If you take the negative approach, then you get the and the and even the .

Parents usually want their kids to be happy, first and foremost. If they aren't happy, then they often feel guilty and inadequate as a parent. If you're really happy, though, parents can accept almost anything because, while it might be "different" from what they thought you'd be, it's not a negative different.

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

 

[spreadeagle]

I don't think you're ready to come out to your mother yet, and from what you say, she's not in a position to take the news well. Considering that you live at a distance from her and that her psychological condition is fragile it would not be kind or productive to advise her by letter; you would be raising doubts, fears and emotions that she would have to deal with in isolation - it would be more useful to tell her when you are face-to-face with plenty of time at your disposal.

Coming out is a state-of-mind or an attitude; it's not just a matter of telling everyone that you like guys. It is not compulsory or necessary to come out to everyone. You should consider each situation separately: if there is no positive advantage to revealing your sexual inclinations it is sometimes better to remain quiet. You need to put your own safety first: it's not imperative to scream 'I'm Gay' when you're mincing past the National Front Headquarters.

If you feel there might be psychological benefits to you in coming out to your Mum but the news would constitute a danger to her you can gain the benefits of self-revelation by writing a letter to her which you never post - perhaps burning it in a little ritual of gratitude and forgiveness. In this way you can gain closure without risk.

Of course, if you want to introduce your partner to your Mum you will need to have forewarned her, but the impression I get from what you've written is that there is no such person in the picture just yet.