A Time for Love!

[TimWhite07]

Hey Guys here is a new story that i have been working on. I hope that you guys like it.

A Time for Love​

Dear Diary,

What am I? What am I supposed to do? I live my life in fear. The fear of what my family will do if they found out what I am. The fear of what my friends will think of me. Are they truly friends of mine? Will they care? If they do care, how will they respond? Will my family still love if they found out, or will they turn their backs on me? Will my friends stick by my side to support me, or will they mock me like I’m some outcast?

I spend my nights thinking about the same thing. While others are fast asleep dreaming of the life they want, but it just can’t be; I lay awake thinking about the what if’s. Part of me just wants to get it over with. The other part wants to stay hidden forever. To just keep living the lie that is my life, just so I don’t have to go through the pain that I feel is inevitable. In the end the fear wins. It always does.

Each day I wake up and put a fake smile on so that I can face the world. Everyone sees that happiness that is on my face and they think that everything is fine. In reality, my life is the farthest from fine. On the inside, I’m screaming to be let free. I’m crying to show who I really am.

I day dream of a world where I can be, ME! A world I can wake up to and not be afraid. I could walk out the door and feel good about myself. I could go to school and not be worried about be called names and harassed.

Something always brings me back to reality. The school bells ringing or a friend is trying to get my attention so he could tell me about the last girl he spent the night with. Every time I hear one of those stories I want to scream out that I don’t care. But I sit there and tell him that that’s wonderful. Then I make up some story of someone that I slept with. Every world that comes out of my mouth makes me want to vomit. But I do it because it is the social-norm. I do it because it is what is expected of me.

When will things be ok? When will it be alright for me to tell my friends that I like guys? I just want to be able to tell my friends about some guy that I went on a date with, like they do.

I say all these things that I want to do, but I’m not able to build up the courage to do anything about it. I’m to afraid of what will happen. I go on the internet and read about coming out stories. I read about all the kids who come out and then their world goes to hell. Their families throw them out on the streets. Theirs friends turn their backs on them. They are bullied to the point where they can’t take it anymore. Countless times the story ends the same. I wonder what all those people think when they find out that their son, their daughter, their friend has taken his or her life because he opened up and got shut down. Do they feel bad?

I look at some of the people at my school. Everyone walks around calling each other fag, queer, and homo. Do they really know what they are saying? Each time those words are echoed through the halls; my self esteem weakens a little more. Those words have become insults. Being called gay is worse than being called a murder in most people’s eyes. They would rather kill thousands, rape hundreds, or do wrong too many, than be a gay person.

I am just like everyone else in this world. I laugh, breathe, and feel just like everyone else. If that is true, then why do I have to hide? Why do I have to change who I am to make others happy?

I’m tired of living this way, yet what am I going to do about it. I want to tell my mom and dad that I’m gay, but I can’t. I just can’t make those words come out of my mouth.

“Justin, dinner is almost ready.”

“Ok mom, I will be down in a little bit.”

I read over what I just wrote in my diary. So many times I have written the same page. They are the same feelings, same thoughts; just different wording each time. One of these days it is going to change. One day I’m not going to have these thoughts in my head.

I closed my dairy and slid it under my mattress. As I walked down stairs, I put my fake smile on. My younger brother saw me and called me over so that I would sit next to him while we ate. My sister was glued to her seat like always. My dad sat in his normal chair with a beer in front of with while he was reading the news paper. Mom was in the kitchen getting everything ready for us to eat. Each night it was the same. The conversation went the same.

“So Justin, how was school today?” Mom asked as she sat down and started passing the food around the table.

“It was ok. We had a pop quiz in chemistry today. It was really hard. I’m not sure how I did.”

“Did you know what was on the quiz?” My dad asked.

“Yeah, well kind of. We haven’t gone over it a whole bunch. The teacher said the scores on this quiz were going to show him what he would need to go over more before the final.”

“When are finals?” asked mom.

“Two weeks. It is so strange knowing that in three weeks, I will be done with school. I’m not ready for it to be over.”

“Yeah I know what you mean son. It is a scary thing. Soon you will be in the real world.”

That was the end of the conversation for me. Neither my mom nor dad asked me anything else. They went on to ask the same things from Neal, and Shelby. Well the truth is that everyone else said some things that I could have commented on, but I didn’t want to. I was off in my own little world.

When I was I was done eating, I excused myself and went back to my room. I had some homework that I needed to get done. Once I was done that with, I got on the internet and did what almost every boy my age did, I looked up porn.

After a while, I looked at the time and decided that I would try and get some sleep. I turned off my computer, turned out the light and I crawled into bed. As I closed my eyes, I started thinking about that perfect world. That was my happy place; the place that I was free from my life.

I woke up to my alarm going off in the morning. My eyes flashed open at the first sound of alarms shrieking sound. I reached over and pressed the bottom for it to stop. As soon as the stop stopped, I realized that I was awake. I realized that I was going to have to live another day of feeling like a pathetic fagot. I took in a breath and let out a huge sigh. I threw the covers off and rolled out of bed. I fixed the covers and then went to my closet. As I looked at my clothes, I noticed that I had no color. Everything was black. I’m not a Goth. I don’t have chains or spikes. I think I would consider myself more emu. Not like all the emu’s that I see running around. They all have hair that covers their face, so nobody could see the hurt and pain in their eyes. They paint their finger nails. They all talk about pain like they experience it. Most of them have only had one or two bad things happen to them. So they live off those feelings they had at that time. No, I’m not that kind of emu. I live in constant pain and hurt. I wear the black because I think if hides the scares that are in my life. I truly have the long hair to hide that hurt and pain in my eyes.

I grabbed a pair of black jeans and a black t-shirt. I walked to my dresser to grab a pair of boxers and I looked up to see pictures of me when I was a kid. I looked so happy. It was a time when I knew that I was different; I just didn’t know that my differences were going to ruin my life.

I went to the bathroom and took a shower, shaved what little facial hair I grow over the night, and got dressed. When I looked in the mirror to fix my hair, I didn’t like what was looking back at me. As each day passes, I can see what all this stress is doing to me. I am starting to look depressed even when I’m trying to hide it. If I am able to see that, then I’m sure everyone else can as well.

With another deep breath and sigh, I went down stairs to eat breakfast with a family that doesn’t even know me. As I sat down and started to grab some food I heard my mom calling my name, but for some reason it wouldn’t register that she was trying to get my attention.

“Justin” she said loud enough that it made everyone at the table jump.

“What…my god.”

“First, watch your mouth. Second, is something wrong with you? You’re not looking so well. You’ve looked so down about everything. I just want to make sure your ok.”

“I’m fine. I just have a lot on my mind right now.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but do you need to see a psychologist?”

“What? Are you kidding me? Because I seem a little down right now you want to send me see someone to talk about my problems.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you.”

“Yeah, you say that now.” I said in my head. “OK, well, thanks I guess.” I said with an annoyed tone.

I ate my meal in silence. Partly because I was going over things in my head about where I want to go with my life, and partly because I can’t believe that my mom actually said that. That was the first thing that she went to. How can I expect anything different when I tell her that I’m gay?

I finished my meal and grabbed my bag and left for school. I left pretty early every morning so I can get to school on time. Every day I see the bus drive by taking all the other kids to school. I stopped riding when I saw some kid get punched in the face for pretending to be gay. So I started walking. The bus driver used to stop everyday and see if I wanted to hop on. I told him no each day he did. It got to the point where I knew when he was going to be driving by, so I would just wave my hand for him to just keep driving.

That time and during the times I was walking home were times when I didn’t have to worry too much. I wasn’t in school and I wasn’t near my family. I was free at that time, but each day becomes harder and harder to keep my mind off my life.

Each day is the same. I go to classes until lunch. I eat lunch at the same table with my friends every day. Then I go to more classes. My last period of the day is gym. In so many ways I love the class, but at the same time, there are so many reasons why I hate it. The worst of it is not during the class itself, it is when class ends, when we have to go back to the locker room to change back into our normal clothes.

Today I was really looking forward to being in that locker room at the end of class. My biggest crush is back. For the last two weeks I didn’t have a reason to want to be in there. He was sick. But today he was back. I wanted to be in there before he got in so I could watch him undress, but I didn’t want to be the first guy in there. That person is usually the one that is getting made fun of. When he walked in, I made sure my hair was in my face so that I could look at him without him really knowing. Every day he showers, and he always uses the same shower. It was right inside the door and I could see him from my locker. There are days that I imagine that he uses that shower just so he could give me a show.

His locker was right across from mine. So I stayed in the room until he got out of the shower so I could see him dry his self off. His friends all picked lockers right next to his. They walked out after he did and started getting dressed faster than he was. For most of the time he faces towards me while he talks and jokes with his buddies, but for others he turns around to grab something. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him.

“Dude, Tucker, look…. JW is staring at your junk man.”

I looked up at his face and quickly finished putting on my shirt and left the room. I ran as fast as I could through the halls, and out the front door to the school. I couldn’t believe they caught me looking at him. How could I show my face there again? They are going to tell everyone that I’m gay. There is no way that I can go back there now.

I stopped on a bridge that passed over the freeway. I walked over it every day, but this was the first time that I ever stopped on it. I was out of breath for running for so long. I grabbed a hold of the side and hunched over. I decided to sit and think. I can’t show my face at that school again. I’m sure by now that half the school knows. So I’m going to have to drop out. But I’m going to have to find something to do until 3:30 so that I still look like I’m going to school. I could run away and start a new life somewhere, but I don’t have any money. So I won’t be able to get very far.

The sound of a passing truck broke me my train of thought. I stood up and turned around so I was facing the freeway. I found my way out. This, this is what is going to free me. This is what is going to send me to that happy place that I have dreamed of for so long. I set my bag down and I grabbed the side of the bridge with both hands. I lift one leg over the rail. When I started to life the other, I heard someone calling my name.

“Justin…… Justin…… You forgot your notebook in the locker room.”

I looked up and saw Tucker standing there with my notebook in his hand.

“You can put it in my bag.” I said and I started to lift my leg.

“Listen bud, you don’t want to do what you are about to do. It may be a way out, but you are going to hurt so many people.”

“Yeah right, I would be doing the world of favor. I will be one less person people have to worry about.”

“Are you doing this because what those guys said in the locker room?”

“Yeah I am. How can I ever show my face in that school again? I’m sure you and your friends have told the whole school by now.”

“No, we didn’t. They won’t tell anybody.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because then they would tell the school about me.”

I looked at him with confusion on my face. I wasn’t sure if I heard him right.

“Please come back on this side of the rail and we will go somewhere and I will explain.”

I thought for a moment. I looked in his eyes for some glimpse of truth. I was surprised when I found it. I was expecting to find something to tell me he was lying. I couldn’t find a single trace of it.

I swung my leg back over and bent down to grab my bag.

“Thank you….. So do you want to go and talk?”

“Umm sure.”

“Where did you want to talk? It should be somewhere where you feel comfortable.”

“I don’t know.” I said in a low voice.

“Ok, I know a place. Hop in my car.”

I just stood there. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being tricked. He and his friends must have come up with this plan after I ran out of the locker room. Tucker is going to say anything he can to get me to go with him.

“Are you coming?”

“I’m not sure I should.”

“Justin, I’m not going to hurt you. Nobody is. I can see it in your eyes. You’re afraid something bad is going to happen. You can trust me. All I want to do is talk.”

“Ok”

His voice calmed me down a little, but I’m still going to be on my guard. I walked with him to his car. I kept my gaze down the street to see if I could see anyone sitting there. I didn’t see anyone.

“You really think something is going to happen, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“Why, what is making your think that?”

“You and your friends caught me looking at you. What am I supposed to think a straight guy is going to do to me? I hear you guys in the halls and in classes. You all make fun of gay people in one way or another.”

“Fair enough, but I’m telling you nothing is going to happen. I give you my word.”

I took in a deep breath and let it out. I took one more look down the street then got in the car. I looked at Tucker with some confusion. I hear him every day saying that he hates gay people. Yet he just said that if his friend told everyone about me, then they would also tell everyone about him. I’m pretty sure I know what he meant by that, but he never came out and said that he was gay.

“I think I should tell you where we are going before I take you there.”

He stopped talking, as if he was waiting for me to give him the green light to keep going. Finally I said ok.

“I was thinking that I would take you to my house. I don’t think what we need to talk about is a great conversation to have in public. If you would rather not go there, let me know and I will pick somewhere else. We could go to your place if it would make your feel more comfortable.”

“Is your place far?”

“Nah, it’s like maybe 10 minutes.”

“I guess your place then. I’m not sure if my parents are going to be home. I don’t want them knowing what we are talking about.”

“Ok then. To my house we go.”

Tucker put the car into drive and we were off. Half of me wanted to jump for joy because I was going over to his house. I never thought that I would be doing this. The other half is terrified as to what is going to happen. Even thought tucker swore that nothing was going to I still have that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Tucker didn’t lie when he said that it was only going to take about 10 minutes to get to his house. As I looked out the window, I noticed that houses kept getting nicer and nicer. I knew that tuckers family had some money, but I didn’t know that he had this much. We pulled up to a house that had a gate that he had to put in a security code to open it. I had only ever seen that in movies, so seeing it in person amused me. As the gate opened, so did one of the garage doors. Before I could even open my mouth, Tucker started explaining…

“Each one of us has a different code to get in the gate. That code also opens our garage door.”

“How did you know I was going to ask that?”

“Everyone does when they first come over. I have just gotten used to telling people before they ask.”

I guess that made sense. I’m sure everyone would want to know how that worked. We pulled in and tucker shut off the car. We both got out and went into the house.

“Do you want anything to drink? We have water, juice, soda, and tea.”

“I’ll have whatever you’re having.”

“OK. The living room is right through that door. If you want to go in there, I will be right in with the drinks.”

I walked through that door he pointed at. I looked around the room. There were a ton of movies, and a huge screen for the TV. I’m sure they must have a projection TV.

I heard Tucker talking, so I stuck my head out the door so I could listen to what he was saying.

“…….Yeah, I’m at home…………… When are you going to get here………………. OK, cool. See you in a bit.”

I heard the fridge open and then close. I went over and started looking at the movies so he didn’t come in and think that I was listening to his conversation with god only knows who.

“Hey, here’s your soda and I grabbed some chips. I didn’t know if you would be hungry.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem……So where do you want to start.”

“How about what you said on the bridge. That “If your friends said anything about me, then they would say them about you as well.”

“OK, but before I explain that, I would like to know why you were on that bridge.”

“Since you stopped me from jumping, I guess I will answers yours first. As you probably guessed, I’m gay. You’re the first person that I have ever told. Being gay and in the closet is stressing me out. I’m afraid of what people will do when the find out. I’m afraid that when my family finds out, they will disown me. I’m afraid that when my friends find out, they will hate me. I’m afraid that when everyone else finds out, I will be the target of their abuse and harassment. So when your friends caught me looking at you while you were getting dressed, I panicked. I just ran until I couldn’t anymore. I ended up on the bridge out of breath. I didn’t mean to stop there it just happened. I started thinking about what I was going to do. Then I heard a semi-truck honk its horn.

“I knew I was depressed about my life, but I didn’t know that I was so depressed that I was willing to jump off a bridge to escape everyone. I hate my life. I hate where I am. I want to be able to live my life the way I want to. I don’t want to spend that rest of my life in fear. So when I looked over the edge of that bridge, I saw my way out. I saw an end to my pain, an end to my fear, an end to life of torment.

“To tell you the truth, the moment I saw you, I wanted to jump. I thought you followed me so that you could make fun of me. I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad you came along when you did.”

“I’m so sorry Justin. I want you to know that I will always be here for you. I want you to come to me if you have any problems. I don’t want to see you hurt yourself.”

“Thank you so much.”

“No problem. OK, so the reason I said that on the bridge is because I’m gay too. My friends know and they accept that. So they won’t tell anybody. I asked them not to. I know what you’re going through, because I’m going through the same thing. You’re not alone here. I have been wondering about you for a while now. I saw how down you were looking. I was trying to find a way to approach you about it without freaking you out. I guess I failed with that one.
“I want to let you know, that those guys didn’t mean any harm by what they said. They said it just loud enough for us to hear it. Nobody else in the locker room heard what happened. They were wondering why you ran of the room half naked though. As soon as I saw your run out of the room, I got dressed as fast as I could. I saw the look in your eye. Something didn’t feel right. I’m glad that I followed you.

“You need a friend that you can tell anything to. And so do I. Yeah my friends are cool with me being gay, but that doesn’t mean they want to hear about what I’m going through. I want us to be close friends. I want you and I to be able to call each other in the middle of the night and talk if we need to. I want to help you, and I want your help. If we are ever going to get through this, we will need at least one person at our side to help.”

“Wow, umm. I don’t know what to say.”

“You should say that you will be my friend.”

“I will.” As I said those words, my heart sank. Friends, that’s what he wants to be. My crush wants to be friends. To make things worse, he is gay. Maybe I’m thinking too much into this. We are both going through a lot of stuff, and it might make things hard if we are more than friends. I will talk to him one day soon about that. See where it stands. I don’t want to get stuck in the friend zone if it can be avoided.

Tucker gave me a hug. I returned it. Whether or not we are dating or not, I at least get to talk to him now.

 

[keigan86]

Tim I love the new start to a new adventure. Can not wait to see where this takes us.

 

[DonQuixote]

Tim,
A powerful beginning. The angst is palpable, and one many of us can relate to.

I look forward to seeing how you develop your new story.

 

[HaydenLogan]

interesting I for one totally relate.

 

[Autolycus]

Thanks for the new story, Tim. You have expressed a great deal that others all too often feel in a well thought out way.

 

[DA2FLBADBOYS]

a great story keep up the good work.

 

[TimWhite07]

I'm glad that you all are liking my new story. I have the next chapter all typed up. I just need to get it to my editor so he can look it over.

I'm trying a new way of writing o n this one. I'm just typing it as I go. I'm not writing this one out. I'm just going to let it flow. So far I like it. I don't think that I will ever be able to do the with the tide serise. There is to much that is going on. There are to many point of views. This new one is not. It is one and will stay as one.

 

[ronboy]

Tim, a very good beginning to this story. You've already got the teacher hooked here.

This story holds the same promises of "The Tide Began to Rise" and "High Tide." It will be fun to see how you unravel and tell this engaging story.

 

[TimWhite07]

A Time for Love
Chapter 2​

Somehow knowing that there was someone else that is going through pretty much the same thing as me makes me feel a little better. Knowing that, that person is Tucker is just icing on the cake. Now I have someone who I can talk to about my problems. I have a friend that I can don’t have to hide my life from. I am also giving that back to Tucker. His friends, his close friends know about him. They just don’t want to hear about it. To me that is just as bad as being in the closet. You are stilling hiding yourself; the only difference is your out in the open. The whole point of coming out to someone is so you no longer have to hide your feelings or your identity.

As Tucker and I were talking about some of the problems we had each experienced, a loud beep rang through the house.

“What was that?”

“Oh that means someone is pulling into the front drive.”

Before I could ask who it was, Tucker jumped off the couch and went to the front door. If it was someone that lived here, then he would have gone to the garage. I knew this was too good to be true. He probably only told me those things to keep me here until these other people showed up. I wonder how many people he invited over. I hope it isn’t more than 2 or 3. I don’t plan on going down without a fight. I glanced around that room. The only door that I could use was the one that I came in through. As I stood up, I heard Tucker coming back from the door.

“He’s in the living room………. Let me carry some of those. They look heavy.”

He walked through that front door and so did an older lady. I waited for more people but nobody else came in.

“Mom, this is my friend Justin.”

“Hi Justin. Nice to meet you.”

“Uh, hi, nice to meet you as well.”

“Tuck, will you help me put these away then you can go on with whatever you were going to do.”

“Ok.”

“Where’s your brother? He has a doctor’s appointment.”

“I don’t know. I waited for him, but he never came outside.”

“Did you try calling him?”

“No sorry. I was talking with Justin.”

“Ok. I will call him. Next time remember.”

Tucker came back into the room with a few cookies. He handed me two.

“So, it’s Friday. Do you have any plans?”

“No. I think you know what my plan was for the day.”

“Ah, yeah, well do you want to catch a movie? I have nothing else to do either. All my friends already had plans already…………… Oh my god. That came out wrong. I didn’t mean it to sound like you’re a last resort for company.”

“Don’t worry about it. I would love to see a movie with you. As friends.”

“Right, of course.”

I’m not sure if I was hearing this or not. When Tucker said that, it sounded like he was disappointed. If I am hearing things then I can blame it on the fact that I have a crush on him. If Tucker is actually disappointed, then I’m confused. He was the one that said friends, so I figured that is what he wants. Everything that has happened today is so unreal. It is almost enough to make me go insane. Think about it, I me insane. I tried to kill myself a few hours ago; and over what? What people think about me, or what they will think? I’m letting that fear live and take over my life. Maybe now that somebody knows about me, I can start to return to my normal self. I know that I’m still going to worry about everyone finding out, but I will have someone there that is sharing that same fear. We can and will be able to work on that fear together.

“Let’s go up stairs. There’s still one more thing that I want to talk to you about.”

“T…t…t… to your room?”

“Yeah, to my room.”

I followed him up stairs to his room. I was amazed by the size. It was as big as my living room. I was surprised when I didn’t see a couch and a coffee table. There was a TV hanging on the wall though. It was across from the bed.

Tucker walked over and plopped down on his bed. He waved for me to come over and sit next to him. I did. I left a little room in between us. I didn’t want him think that I was trying to make a move on him. I looked at him and said the first thing that pooped in my head.

“So do your parents know?”

“No…. Well, I think my mom knows. But she never asked me out right if I’m gay or not. My dad is always asking me if I have a girl friend. I wouldn’t except my dad to know. He is never home. I don’t mind him not being around. When he is I always feel pressured to do sports or talk about girls, just like my brother.”

“I didn’t know you had a brother.”

“Yeah, he is a Sophomore. His name is Keith. He pretty much looks like me.”

“Oh yeah. He is cute.”

“Oh, so I have to compete with my brother now…..Haha, I’m joking.”

“Haha…. So what was the other thing you wanted to talk to me about?”

“You know how you always look at me in gym class? How you look at me while I’m in the shower and when I’m getting dressed?”

“Yeah” Of course I know that. It is the highlight of my day.

“Well, I want you to. I pick that shower everyday so you can see me. When I’m getting dressed I move so you can look at me. I think you’re really cute. I always hopped you were gay.”

“Wow, really?”

“Yeah….”

“But…”

“But I don’t know…….. I don’t know if we can work. I’m not sure that I can handle the stress of dating someone in secret. I don’t want to start something then have it turn out bad. It won’t be fair to you and it won’t be fair to me.”

“Um, ok, so what are you saying? Are you saying that nothing is ever going to happen or are you saying that something won’t happen until we are both out of the closet?”

“What I’m saying is that we should wait a while. We should hangout with each and get to know each other. Then we can make the decision.”

“I think I can live with that.”

“OK good. I was going to be hurt if you said that you couldn’t do that…… I’m going to change clothes really fast, and then we can head out.”

“OK”

I sat back on the bed and got ready to watch him. It’s not like I haven’t seen it a million times before, but each and every time it seems like the first, glorious time. But Tucker didn’t start undressing. He stood there and looked at me. After about a minute of us looking at each other, he put his hand on his hip and let out a deep sigh.

“What?”

“You need to clothes your eyes.”

“Why is that, I have seen it all before.”

“Yeah, but that is in the locker room at school. This is my personal bedroom. I could make you get out, but I’m not going to ask you to do that. Plus we are not dating as of yet, sooooo eyes closed.”

“Ok fine.” I closed my eyes. Even though I didn’t see him undressing with my eyes, I still saw it in my mind. I saw what I saw today in the locker room. I saw that because it was still fresh in my head.

AS I was picturing that scene, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see Tucker standing there without a shirt on. My mind started racing, my heart started beating faster and faster. I had never been this close to him before when he was even partly undressed. There was always at least 10 to 15 feet between us.

“Don’t get your hopes up; I just need to know which shirt you like better.”

He was holding two shirts. One was a pink Polo shirt with a blue Ralph Lauren logo on the font. The other was a black and black plaid shirt that I have seen him wear many times. I think about it for a minute, and then tell him that he should go with the pink polo. He asks me why. I tell him because I know how good he looks in the plaid shirt, but I have never seen him in the pink one. That I wanted to see him in something that I had never seen before for the first time we hang out.

He had me close my eyes again. I decided while my eyes were closed, that I was going to show Tucker that I can and that I’m willing to do what it takes to make us work. We have been hiding a secret from everyone for our entire lives. By us dating in secret would just be an expansion of that lie. Just like if one of us had or got a girl friend. She would just be a cover to hide who we truly are.

Soon those thoughts faded and the ever looming fear that surrounds my life came flooding back in. I thought by something good happening in my life, it would take me out of the depressing state of mind. It seems however that I am domed to stay in a constant state of pure misery.

How can Tucker like me in any way? In fact, how can anyone on this green earth like me? I have nothing to offer anyone. The only person I can be in a friendship with is the guy that everyone looks up to and then they feel better about their lives. The only thing only thing that I can bring to a relationship is depression. I would constantly bring the other person down. That is assuming of course that he is not with me out of pity. If that is the reason that we are together, then I would make him feel better about himself.

I started to think that that is the only reason that Tucker is doing all of this, being nice to me. There is no other reason that he has to be kind and nice to someone like me. Maybe he and his friends got in a fight and now he needs someone else to hang out with until he and his friends make up. He will say whatever he can to keep me as a friend until then, and then he will throw me to the curb like a burnt out cigarette.

“Ok, you can open your eyes now.”

I did, slowly. I wanted to make sure that he was dressed and not in some sexy underwear ready to give me a show. He was fully dressed.

“How do I look?”

“I don’t know, turn around for me.”

He spun in a circle. As he did I couldn’t help but laugh at him.

“What’s so funny?”

“You, I didn’t think that you would spin so….. so…… girly.”

“Shut up.”

We both laughed all the way to the garage. We got in his car and headed off to the movie theater. He talked more along the way, about if things could work, and if we tried what we would do to make them work. Tucker made some really good points. Everything that he said was against the idea of us dating in secret. I thought that he would at least come up with one positive thing to say.

Tucker was the one that started this. He was the one that brought up the dating thing. He put the idea in my head. Why would he bring something up and then bash the idea into the ground. It is like he is trying to destroy the only glimpse of hope I have in my body. I’m starting to feel like he only saved my life to see me suffer more and more.

A tear started rolling down my cheek. I tried wiping it away before Tucker saw, but I saw he head turn as soon as I moved my hand to my face. He didn’t say anything. That just made it worse. Knowing that he saw me and wondering what he is going to say about it. I hung my head with the realization that I am pathetic.

“Are you going to be ok?” Tucker asked with something in his voice that I had never heard from anyone before. It was caring. He sounded like he cared about me. But if he did, then why would he have said what he just got done saying.

“I don’t know.”

“How can you not know? I don’t mean that to sound rude or mean, but if you don’t then who will. I don’t want to drop you off at your house tonight and then never see you again. If something bad happens to you, I will never forgive myself. I would always feel like I could have done something more to help you. I would rather you stay with me for the weekend, that way you are not alone. You are not alone in this anymore Justin. I will be by your side to help you, no matter what.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem. If there is anything you need help with, anything at all, call me. Whether it is something major, like you broke a nail; or you just need someone to talk to.”

“There is something.”

“Tell me.”

“Can we not drive in silence? It’s giving me a chance to be alone with my thoughts, and I don’t like where they take me. So I would rather not go there. And can we not talk about ‘us’. It is getting me down, which is not where I want to be anymore. I want to live in the up, not the down. Too many things happen to me, or I think they are going to happen, and I get depressed even more.”

“Like what happened today?”

“Yeah, just one thing set off so much more, and I was ready to be done with it all. I would rather not go back to that place in my head again. So if we can do that, it would help me so much.”

“I will do whatever I can to help you with that.”

The rest of the drive was filled with conversation. Just random things, that really meant nothing to either one of us. The talking was just to fill dead space. Normally I would hate the topic being change mid way through, but this time I wanted it. Whenever one of us had a thought about something else, we voiced it. One minute we were talking about math, then the next we were talking about our dream vacation.

I learned so much about Tucker. What he wants to do with his life, where he wants to end up. I never thought that I would get the chance to learn all this about him. I just hope that the day doesn’t come when all of this would be over. I don’t want him to get bored with me, and say that we are done hanging out.

The movie was amazing. Not because the picture itself, but because the company. At some point during the film Tucker reached over and took my hand in his. There wasn’t a word about it. I fought the urge to look at him when he interlaced our fingers. Maybe that is because it felt natural. It was like our hands were meant to be that way. At least that is how I feel. I would hope that that is how Tucker feels as well.

The same thing happened on the drive home. Tucker controlled the direction of the car with one hand and held my hand with the other. No words escaped either of our mouths. None needed to. I didn’t feel that fear creeping back in. It was like somehow the touch of Tucker, was keeping it at bay.

“Will you stay with me tonight? I don’t want our time together to end.”

“Of course I will stay with you. But I need to stop by my house so that I can tell my parents and grab some clothes.”

“OK”

I told him how to get to my house. As soon as we got there, I went inside to tell my mom and dad that I was staying at a friend’s house. I grabbed a change of clothes and my diary. So much had happened and I need to write it down. Not in the typical way that most people write in a dairy. Most would write what they did that day and how it made them feel. I just write the feelings.

 

[keigan86]

I love this book and how it is progressing. Keep up the great work Tim.

 

[DonQuixote]

Tim,
A nice chapter. Lots of emotions, angst, but I think that's going to be a theme for Justin for awhile, yet.

I did find the changing clothes scene funny. I strip and put on a show in the shower for you at gym class, but this is my room, private. Funny, but I understand it, too.

Thanks for writing.

 

[TimWhite07]

Don,

The whole story is about justin. There isn't going to be a change of pov in this one. It is how he is seeing each event and how he feels and reacts to them.

I wanted to try something different. I've had the idea in my head for a while now and I wanted to get it out there.

 

[DonQuixote]

Tim,
I know the whole story is about and from Justin's POV. My comment was where his head currently is at, and is likely to be there for awhile, not that I expected a change in whose eyes we're looking through.

I can feel for him through your writing.

 

[TimWhite07]

Tim,
I know the whole story is about and from Justin's POV. My comment was where his head currently is at, and is likely to be there for awhile, not that I expected a change in whose eyes we're looking through.

I can feel for him through your writing.

Ah ok.

I thought u were meaning it was one sided

 

[HaydenLogan]

rawr so far so good creepy Justin thinks like i do. can't wait for more it makes my day!

 

[TimWhite07]

Hey everyone. Wonted to let u all know that I'm working on the next chapter for this story.

I think that I'm going to be putting hide tide on hold for a little bit. This one is stuck in my head. So I need to get it out here.

 

[dbradbury]

let the thoughts roll!!
loving the new story!
but i will keep checking High Tide weekly, for updates, just incase

 

[TimWhite07]

Hey guys.

I havent forgotten about the story. I have the next chapter typed up and the next pretty would written. I just need to send this chapter to my editor and i should have it up by the end of the night.

 

[TimWhite07]

A Time for Love
Chapter 3​

Dear Diary,

In a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression. I loved it because I think it was all I have. I think depression is the part of my character that makes me worthwhile. I think so little of myself, feel that I have such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justifies my existence is all my agony.

I start to feel like I can’t maintain the façade any longer that I may just start to show through. I wish I could figure out what is wrong. Maybe it’s something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on? I don’t know the answer. I know only that I can’t I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tried. I am eighteen and I am already exhausted.

Yet, despite all those feelings I want to go on. I now feel that I have something to live for. No, not something, I finally have someone. There is someone here now to share my life with. And knowing that gives me a little hope. That small spark of hope may turn into a flame that will ignite the rest of my life, or it may burn out like all the sparks that came before it.


“What are you writing?” Tucker asked me when he came back to his room after taking a shower.

“My thoughts.”

“Oh, is that your journal? Can I read it?”

“Yes it is, and no you can’t.”

“Why not, did you write anything about me? Are there lots of pages about me in there?”

“I’m not going to tell you that. It is my journal. It is the one thing that keeps me sane.” I said rather harshly.

“Ok, sorry I asked.”

“No I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it that why. But I can’t let anyone else read this. If I did, then I would get sent to a loony bin.”

“It’s ok. Really it is. You don’t need to explain it. I was only joking….. Anyway so I’m going to turn on a movie for us to go to sleep to.”

Tucker went over to a shelf next to his computer and picked up a small black case. I saw some of the DVD’s that he had in it. They were burnt copies. Once he had the mystery DVD in the machine, he came back to his bed and grabbed the remote from the table next to his bed. He got under the covers and pressed play.

I looked at him with a look of confusion. Where am I supposed to sleep? He never went to grab a sleeping bag, a cot, or and blankets with pillows. What he did however was scoot all the way to one side of the bed. I m not sure if he was telling me something in doing that.

After a minute of me waiting for him to tell me where I was laying my head for the night, he grabbed the covers on the other side of the bed and through them to the side.

“Are you going to get in? I mean, if you want to sleep on the floor you can. I just thought you would want to sleep in a comfy bed instead.”

“What about your mom and dad?”

“My dad is out of town, and my mom doesn’t come up to my room. She is too lazy. She will use the intercom to wake me up if she has too. Even if she was to come up, I have guys sleep in the bed with me all the time.”

He must have seen the hurt in my eyes when he spoke his last sentence, because he spoke up again,

“Not like, sleeping with me. We just slept. You are they only other gay guy that has been over to my house….. So are you going to get in with me?”

I slowly climbed into the bed so that I was lying next to Tucker. He skipped the beginning credits and then got more comfortable. The movie that he put in was Prayers for Booby. I had heard some really good things about that movie. I read reviews online. I tried finding it at stores but they never had it.

As the movie went on, I slowly moved my hand over to where Tuckers was. Just like in the movie theatre, I grabbed his hand and interlaced our fingers. I closed my eyes and went to sleep. I felt safe for the first time in my life. I felt completely safe. I felt like I didn’t have worry about the world finding me out. It felt wonderful.

I woke up with head lying on Tucker’s chest. The very second I realized where I was, I wanted to jump out of my skin. The only problem is that I can’t move, at least I can’t move really fast or roughly. As long as I can make my movements slow and steady I should have no problem getting out of the bed without waking him up. I moved my right hand so that it was next to Tuckers torso. I placed it there because that was going to support most of my weight while I lift my head off his body. I pushed myself up. Just as I was about to lock my arm, Tucker reached up and pulled me back down.

“Where do you think you’re going?” He asked while his eyes were still closed and with a groggy voice.

“I was going to go to the bathroom, but you scarred me and I don’t need to go anymore.” I said the first thing that came to mind.

“That’s gross.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“What did you want to do today? We don’t have school. I don’t think anyone gave out homework, so we have the day free.”

“I don’t know. I’m really confused. I don’t know where things are going. I don’t know if anything that is happening now is going to stay. There are a lot of feelings that I want to stay. I’m not sure they will. You are confusing me. You say you want things or that you don’t want things, but you turn around and do the opposite. Like last night at the movie. You were holding my hand, yet you said you are not sure if things will work out with us. I need you to say something and then do the same action. You can’t keep messing with my head and emotions. I’m not in the right state of mind to deal with it.”

“Wow…. Oh… umm….. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to do that to you.”

“It’s ok. I think I need some time to think about some things, and I think you do too.”

“Yeah, I do. Did you want me to take you home? Or what did you want to do? I don’t want you to be alone if you don’t want to be.”

“No, I need to be alone. I need to think about everything. I won’t be able to do that if I’m near you. I’m sorry, but I need to be at home.”

“You don’t need to say sorry about that. I asked you what you wanted to do and you told me. I can take you when ever you’re ready. Just let me know.”

“I just need to put my socks and shoes on. Then I’m ready.”

He looked a little hurt that I didn’t want to stay longer. I couldn’t stay. He is the reason my head is so scrambled. He says one thing than does the complete opposite action. I need time alone, away from distraction. I need the time to think about the words that flown from Tuckers lips and the actions that have followed. I have to figure out what he truly means. If for no other reason; I need to do it for my own sanity.

My sanity, that is a laughable subject at best. My life would be complete madness for most, but I’m used to it. That madness is what I know, it’s what I love. To put a new element in my life is like throwing the world off balance. Everything becomes chaos. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. In order for me to go on living the crazy life I live, things have to make sense. That has to start with Tucker. He is the one thing that started all of this, and he is going to have to be that key to getting me back on track. I don’t need to be on the same path as before. In fact I would prefer that I wasn’t. That path only led me to heart ache and self loathing. I want a new path. I know the goal. That has always been the same. The goal is acceptance. Not from the world, but from my family and friends. Just to know that they would stand behind me would be enough to change my outlook on the worthlessness that is my existence.

Without another word, Tucker got off the bed and grabbed some fresh clothes. Every once in a while he would stop what he was doing and look at me. Each time he does, he looks like he wants to ask me something. Yet, each time, he can’t form what he is trying to say. In a way it is saddening. At the same time it is funny. He almost looks like he is constipated.

I grabbed my socks and shoes. I sat on the bed and put them on my feet. Tucker came over and did the same thing. I was done before he even had one shoe slipped on his foot. I didn’t want to seem like I was in an extreme rush to get out of there, so I stayed sitting until Tucker had both his shoes on.

Instead of standing up, Tucker took my hand in his and held it. I looked into his eyes. I asked why without any words, it was the look in my eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Tucker said as he ran his fingers over my knuckles. “I never meant do hurt you in anyway. I am confused too. So many things are going through my head. I don’t need time to think what I want. I know what I want. I want you. I want to be with you. I have for the longest time. But I’m scared. I am scared for the same reasons that you are. I don’t want to lose my family; I don’t want to lose my friends. I just don’t know which I want more. Is being popular more important than me being happy. To tell you the truth, right now in life it is. I know that makes me vane, but it is the truth. I want everything I have now, when I tell everyone.

“I’m doing all the things that I’m doing because I like you, and I’m trying to show you that. I guess I wasn’t doing a good job. I want to date you Justin. I really, really do, but I don’t know how and where things are going right now.”

“Ok, I understand that. Then how can you be holding my hand and doing all that stuff if we are not dating. I’m fine with being just a friend, but if that is where we end up, then that is where it stays. I wont let you mess with my heart and mind like that. That’s what I want you to think about. You need to figure out what it is that you want.”

“I will. Will you please stay here with me for a little while longer?”

“I’m sorry, but I need to go home. I need to think about some things to.”

Tucker let go of my hand and stood up. I followed him down stairs and out the doors. We got in his car. I told him the address. Those were the only words that were spoken during the drive. We pulled up in front of my house. We said goodbye, and I got out. Tucker waited until I made it to the front door before he drove off.

“Hi, Mom, hi Dad.”

“Hey Justin. Did you have fun at your friend’s house?”

“Yeah, it was fun. I’m going to my room. I have some homework that I need to do.”

“Ok, we are having steak for dinner tonight. What to do you want to go with yours?” My dad asked.

“Some mixed veggies, would be great.”

“OK.”

I went to my room and closed the door. I opened my bag and grabbed my journal out. I flipped to the beginning and started re-reading all the things that I wrote of the years. There was a common theme to the entire entries. Pain and sorrow filled its pages. After a few pages, I had to close the notebook. I couldn’t read anymore. This is what my life has turned into, a living breathing sob story. I’m tired of living this way. I tried taking the easy way out, but it looks like the fates have other plans for me. Maybe they are telling me that I need to tell everyone. Tell them that I need to live my life as the person that I am meant to be.

As I flipped through the past pages, I started to notice that I smelled really bad. I laid my journal down and grabbed some clean clothes. I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I decided that I wasn’t going to take a long shower. Just long enough that I could get the stink off of my body. I got undressed, turned that water on and got in. the waster was freezing but I really didn’t care. I want to be in and out of there.

A million thoughts screamed through my head all at once. They were thoughts of happiness, cheer and joy. Most were thoughts of being with Tucker; out, open, and free. Others were thoughts of my family, thoughts that they loved me. They were telling me that they would always be by my side.

Yet for each pleasant thought; there was a dark, tormented thought to follow. Each of these was the opposite of the ones I just saw. Some are my relationship with Tucker falling to pieces, along with my heart. There were also ones of my family turning their backs on me saying that they only have two children, that I am no longer part of their lives.

As I finished rinsing my body off just as the water started to get hot. I opened the door and grabbed a towel. Ever since I started taking a shower Instead of baths, I always dry myself off in the tube. I hate getting the floor all wet. The floor in here is all title and gets really slippery when wet. I’ve had a few close calls with that.

I stepped out of the tube when I thought I was dry enough. I grabbed and put on the clean pair of trunks I brought in and went back to my room. As I got closer to the door, I heard hushed voices and giggling. I looked through the doorway and found my sister and brother sitting on my bed reading my journal. My eyes widened and my heart began to race, but not for my brother. He is too young to understand what any of that means. My sister however, knows what all that means.

“What are you guys doing?”

“Reading, duh.” Said Sarah.

“Ok, but why are you reading that. It’s private.”

“It was lying out in the open.”

“It was in my room.”

“So….” She said all snotty.

“So put it down and get out.”

“You better be nice, or I will tell mom and dad what you have been writing.”

“I’m sorry Sarah, but I’m not going to get black mailed by a little girl. Put it down now.”

“Fine…… I’m going to tell.”

Sarah set the book down and left it at the page she was just reading. I looked at it. There was nothing on there, except that I feel like crap. I couldn’t tell if that was the only page she read. If she read one before or after, then she would have something on me. I guess I will have to see if she has the balls to tell my parents or not. Keith just looked at me like he was dear caught in head lights. I just looked at him. How could I yell at him for something he doesn’t understand? He does know better than to go through other people’s things.

“Am I looking for something to yell at him about?” I asked myself. “He really didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Are you mad at me too?”

“No buddy. I’m not mad at you. But promise me; next time Sarah wants you to come in my room, that you will tell her no. Can you promise me that?”

“Yeah” He said with huge smile on his face.

Keith is just too young to understand what Sarah read to him. And for that I’m grateful. Then at least when the rest of my family turns on me, he won’t. He won’t see their reasoning behind their actions or words. Right now, I’m his big brother. I’m the person that he looks up too. I’m a pitiful excuse for a person, but I am the one none-the-less.

“Hey bud, do you want to play a game or something?”

“Yeah, I want to play Monopoly.”

“OK, go get it and meet me in the Kitchen. We will play on the table.”

“Ok” He jumped off the bed and ran out of the room.

I don’t know why, but Keith is addicted to that game. Maybe that is because he always wins. Well, I always let him win. I always help him when he needs some money. I never buy the big properties, at least not all of them. I don’t want him knowing that I’m throwing the game for him. Also, I never buy houses.

I smiled at the thought of how good I make Keith feel. Felling how I feel now, had made me want more for him. I think it is because I believe that if I make him feel good about himself now, that it will help him later. I don’t want him growing up think that nobody cares about him. I will always care about him.

I let out a long sigh, got dressed and started my way down that hall. I went to the frig and got out a couples of sodas. As I sat down at the table, I got a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something didn’t feel right. It feels like something bad is going to happen. I thought for a moment and realized why I felt this way.

Keith came into the room holding the box with the game in it. He looked not only happy, but proud. Maybe he knew he was going to win. He sat down and we set the game up. I let Keith roll the dice first and the game was off.

After a few turns, I saw Sarah standing in the door way with her arms crossed and an evil grin on her face. I looked her in the eye. The look in her eye confirmed that reason for the pain I had been feel in my gut.

A few more turns had gone by when I heard a car door close. Normally I would have heard my parents talking to one another, but today all I could hear was their footsteps on the side walk. The front door opened, Keith took off to say hi and to give them a hug. I remained in my chair, staring at the game board. I heard everyone saying hi, and then I heard them stop talking. They must have looked at me. My mom walked up to me.

“Justin, we need to talk.”

“We can talk later.”

“No, we need to talk now.”

“I know what you want to talk to me about. I’m not ready yet. I’m going to finish this game with Keith, and then I will talk.”

I couldn’t believe that I spoke to my mother like that. But I had to. If this is going to happen then I want it to be when I’m ready for it. I will not be pushed into something, even though I am. There is no way that I’m mentally ready to tell my parents the truth. I’m not ready for the aftermath.

I tried to make the game last longer than I normally would. I kept feeling eyes on me. I looked towards the living room after each turn and found my mom looking right at me. Her eyes said every word. She wanted me to hurry up and finish the game. After about 2 hours of playing, I decided to finally lose.

“Good game bud.”

“Thanks for playing with me.”

“No problem. You’re my little brother. I love you and always will.”

I stood up, looked right at my mom, and then I turned and walked back to my room. I sat on my bed and waited for my parents to come back so we could start the talk that I have been worrying about for most of my life. Now that it is moments away, I’m scared to death. My mind is back on the bridge that I found myself standing on yesterday. I’m ready to jump. I’m just hoping that there will be something soft to land on.

 

[keigan86]

Wow super amazing addition. You kept me on my seat! As I thought I knew what was to happen, only to find I was wrong. Great Job Tim!!!!!