A Time for Love!

[TimWhite07]

Hey guys. Just an update for you. I sent the next chapter off to the editors this morning. As soon as I get it back, I will get it posted for all to enjoy.

 

[bynm27]

wow. this is an amazing story. keep up the good work.

 

[TimWhite07]

A Time for Love
Chapter 5​

“Beep.....Beep…..Beep…..Beep”

I slowly opened my eyes. I rolled over and shut off my alarm. I laid there and stared at the ceiling for a couple minutes. I rolled out of bed. Just as my feet hit the floor, someone started knocking on my door.

“Justin…Justin…Justin, are you awake?” my mom asked.

“Yeah”

“Good. Now get ready to go. Put on some of the clothes that we bought yesterday. I want you to look good when you get there.”

“Whatever.”

I got off the bed and grabbed some of the darker clothes that my mom forced me to get yesterday. I went to the bathroom to take a shower. “A hot shower sounds amazing,” I said to myself. I turned the water on and let it heat up. As steam started to fill the room, I got undressed. I stepped into the tub and let the water drench me. It has been so long since I felt a hot shower. The moment the hot water hit my skin, I was transported to a state of bliss. I put shampoo in my hands and slowly worked it into my hair.

In one of my normal showers, I would have quickly washed my hair and body and then gotten out. Today, however, I’m in no hurry. My parents are the ones that want to get out of here. After I rinsed my hair out, I grabbed the bottle of body wash that had hardly been used. Normally I would use shampoo for everything. Today is different. Today I go to hell. Since I have to go, then I might as well go, smelling nice.

“Justin… You need to hurry. We are going to be late getting there.” My mom yelled at me.

“Do you want me to smell bad or do you want me to smell and look good?” I yelled back.

“I want you to hurry up and finish. We need to get on the road.”

“Like I care if we need to leave soon; I didn’t even want to go in the first place. If you want to go so badly, then you can either leave me here or wait for me.”

I didn’t get a reply. I couldn’t have won that easily. I continued on with washing my body. After a few minutes there was a bagging on the bathroom door.

“Justin… Get out of the shower right now,” My dad yelled. I could hear the anger in his voice.

I turned off the water in fear that my dad might bust through the door and force me out of the shower.

I grabbed a towel and dried myself off. I got dressed as quickly as possible. When I opened the door to leave, both my parents were standing on the other side. They both looked angry.

“What are you standing around for? We are going to be late. We need to get on the road, soon,” I said, to be a smart ass.

“Listen, you little smart ass; you may not be taking this seriously, but we are. This is not a joke. Do you think that rebelling against this is going to change our minds? Well, sorry to say bucko, it is only going to make us feel the need to do this even more. We didn’t want to have to take this route. You could have talked to Dr. Stangle, and done your hardest to change, but you didn’t. You rebelled there, too. You chose this and now you have to live with it. Of course, if you truly want to fight this, and not go get help, you can always move out. You might be eighteen, but you still live under my roof. While you live under my roof, then you will do what I say. Do you understand?” my dad said.

I lowered my head and said, “yes sir.” They both walked away. I walked back to my room with tears falling from my eyes. I didn’t think I could feel any worse than I already did. But somehow, my dad found a way to make me feel lower than dirt. He gave me a choice. Got to Hell and have a home, or don’t go and be homeless. How could a parent say that to a child? Pretty much what my father just told me was that he will not have a gay son. He would sooner see me starve to death, than accept me.

I looked around my room one more time. I wanted to remember everything just how it is, just in case this is the last time I see it. I don’t know what is going to happen when I get back from camp. I don’t know if there is going to be anything waiting for me. At this point, I’m not entirely sure I want something to be here when I get back. All of this has shown me what my parents are capable of doing. They are willing to destroy my life so that they can have a normal son and family. If my parents are willing to do this, then what will happen, what will they do, when I come home and I’m still gay? To what extreme will they go?

I closed my bedroom door and walked out to the living room. My dad grabbed my bag from me and took it outside. I sat down on the couch next to Keith.

“Hey bud.”

“Dad says you are going to camp for a week. I want to go to, but he says it is only for older kids.”

“I would love for you to come with me. Dad’s right though. It’s not a place for little cute boys like you. You’re going to have so much fun without me. And when I get back, we will do whatever you want.”

“Yay”

“I love you so much, Keith.” I put my arms around him, and held him. I don’t want him let go. He is always the person that I could think about to cheer myself up. A single tear fell from my face and landed on Keith’s hand.

“Why are you crying?”

“I’m sad.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to miss you, buddy. I love you. I don’t want you to think any less of me. No matter what happens, remember, I’m your big brother.”

“I’m going to miss you, too.”

I gave him a kiss on the forehead. I looked over to the kitchen table. Sarah was sitting down with a bowl of cereal in front of her. She was staring at me. She didn’t look spiteful, or like her normal self. She actually seemed like she felt sorry for me. I walked up to her and sat down next to her.

“I’m sorry, Justin. I didn’t know they were going to send you away. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I don’t think you are crazy. You are just not happy.”

“Sarah, they’re not sending me away because of what you told them. They don’t care that I’m unhappy. They are sending me away because I’m gay. They don’t like it. Our parents have a conditional love. I love you, Sarah. No matter what, please remember that.”

“I will. I love you, too, no matter what.”

I gave her a hug and a kiss on the forehead. I looked around once more, and then left the house. I got in the back seat of the car. My Dad put the car in reverse, and we were off. As we drove through town, I started remembering all the good times that I had with my friends. Me and my friend Jessie would go to the lake and skip rocks and just talk. Sami and I would play basket ball at the Y. When we drove past the mall, I remembered all the good shopping trips I had with my parents. I remembered all the laughing and jokes when my dad would try on clothes that he thought looked good.

The good times are over and done with. They are gone forever. I will never have the same relationship with my family again. No matter what happens, whatever comes of this, I will never forgive them. I won’t be able to. Already, I hold so much hatred towards them. When I get back, my friends are going to have so many questions about where I was. I can’t hide anymore. I don’t want to hide anymore. Everything that has happened to me the last few days has changed who I am. It has changed the way I see things. I now see how cruel this world is. If my own flesh and blood will do this to me, then the rest of the world would probably try and kill me.

Buildings begin to start getting further apart. City turned into country. All I see now are the beautiful mountains to one side, and the ocean to the other. The countryside of California is so amazing. The only other thing is, there is not much of it left. Normally, all you see is cars and buildings. I still see the cars, but I’m not focusing on them. Looking out the window at the beautiful surrounds gives me the feeling that there is still peace in the world. There are still places where you can feel good.

After two hours of driving, my dad pulls off the interstate. We are in the middle nowhere. We drive on a paved road for about 4 miles, and then turn down a gravel road. I see a big white building off in the distance. I tried to read the words on the side, but we are still too far away. As we get closer, I can finally make out what the building says. “Through Christ, all things are possible.”

My dad parks the car. I take a deep breath, and open my door. I’m instantly hit with a strange smell. It seems to be in the air. I recognize the smell, but can’t place it. I go around to the back of the car and wait for my dad to open the trunk. I look at him though the back window. He’s talking to my mom. Maybe now that we’re here, he is going to have second thoughts. Maybe he will say, “Never mind, son, we love you too much to put you though this. We are going to take you home. We will deal with this together.” As I finish the thought, my dad opens the trunk. I grab my bag and start walking towards what I assume is the front door to the main building.

“Justin, wait for your mother and I,’ yells my dad.

I keep walking. I want no part in a good-bye. I don’t want to hear them say that they love me and that they will miss me. I don’t want to hear the lies coming from their mouths.

“Justin, stop and wait for us,” He said again.

“Why the Hell should I? So you can tell me, again, that you are doing this to help? Maybe you want to tell me that you love me. Well, you know what? I don’t want to hear it. If you truly loved me, then you would tell me to get back in the car so we can go home. We will sit down and discuss this. You would listen to my side of the story, but you’re not going to do that. You still think that you’re helping me. When I come home in a week, and I’m even more depressed than I am right now, you can thank yourselves. You are the cause of my mental problems. So, unless you are going to take me home right now, then you might as well get in the car and go. I won’t say good-bye, I won’t give you a hug, and I won’t say that I love you. I don’t want to hear the lie, so I won’t lie to you.”

They both get back in the car and drive off. I start to cry as I watch the car disappear down the road. Other kids and parents are staring at me. I look at the faces of some of the boys. I could tell they wanted to say the something, but they can’t bring themselves to say the words. I turn around and walk up to a table with a few people sitting behind it.

“May I have your name, please,” one of them asks.

“Justin”

“What is your last name, Justin?”

“How many Justin’s do you have coming here? I’m pretty sure even someone like you can figure it out.’

“It doesn’t sound like you’re too happy to be here.”

“Wow, you know what? I am angry. I wonder why that is. Maybe it’s the fact that my parents dropped me off in the middle of nowhere, with a group of people who are going to try and change me. Guess what, honey, I’m not going to change. But I think you already know that. All you care about is the money that all these parents are paying you.”

“Here is your packet of information. Make sure you read it. Inside are the rules for the camp.”

“What happens if I don’t follow any of your rules?”

“It’s best that you follow them, and we won’t have to worry about the consequences. Leave your bag over there and we will make sure it gets to your sleeping quarters.”

“I’m sure you will, right after you go through it to make sure I haven’t brought anything on your stupid list of prohibited items.”

“You have everything figured out, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I’m smart like that.”

“Ok, if you would please move along. There are others that are waiting to check-in.’

“My apologies.” I walk through a set of double doors into a large auditorium. The lights on the stage are on. There is a screen that says, “Welcome to Journey into Manhood.” I look around the room. There are some people scattered around the room. It seems like each person is scared to talk to anyone else. I looked over the rulebook to make sure it is ok to talk to others while I’m here. As I thumb through the pages, it hits me that if you do anything more than say hi and exchange a firm handshake, you will get punished.

“Excuse me,” someone says behind me. I turn around to see who it is. It’s a boy who looks about the same age as me, a few inches taller, with dirty blonde hair.

“Can I help you with something?” I ask.

“I don’t mean to bother you. I heard what you said outside. I wish I could have said the same thing to my mom.”

“Ok…”

“I was wondering if you wanted to sit together. We are probably going to need a friend while we are here.”

“Yeah sure, pick a spot.”

I follow him to wherever he wants to sit. He tells me about himself. His name is Michael. He came here from San Francisco. He tells me about coming out to his parents. It was pretty much the same thing that happened to me. His parents didn’t want to listen to him. They didn’t want to talk about it. The only difference is that he has been dealing with it for a couple of years now. He has seen five different psychologists and none of them were able to help him. Finally, his parents found this place and here he is.

“The only reason that I didn’t run away, is because I want my family to love me. I keep thinking that they will see how much they are hurting me, but I don’t know if they ever will.” Michael said.

“I want the same thing. Maybe that’s all any of us want. I never considered running away, though. There would be no way that I would be able to survive on my own. I’m still in high school. I depend on my parents for everything. I guess I could talk to a friend to see if I could stay with them. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I go home. I don’t know what my parents are going to do.” I say.

“Do you think this camp can do what they say it can do?”

“No. There is nothing to cure. There is nothing wrong with you.”

“I’m not so sure anymore. All I hear is how gross I am and how I’m going to Hell for being this way.”

“Trust me, you’re not gross. You’re a great looking guy. You’re not going to Hell. God made you this way for a reason.”

“Thank you. You’re the first person that has ever told me that. Would you mind if we hang out while we are here? You’re a sweet guy. I’m sure we could each use someone that we could talk to while we are here.”

“I would like that a lot.”

He reaches over and puts his hand one mine. I look around to make sure none of the staff are watching us. I look into Michael’s eyes and then take his hand in mine.

We talk while the room fills up. We tell each other more about ourselves; what we like to do for fun, our favorite foods. We tell each other all the information we would on a first date. “What a weird place to have a first date,” I think. I’m glad that my mom made me bring nice clothes. I can look good, everyday, for Michael. The more we talk, the more I like him.

After about half an hour or so, all the lights in the room go off, except for the ones on the stage. A man that looks to be in his early thirties walks on stage. He is wearing all black with a white collar, like a Catholic priest would wear.

“Good evening, everyone. On behalf of all of the staff members here, welcome to Journey into Manhood. My name is Father McKinley. We are so excited to have all of you here. We hope that you enjoy your time here. Journey into Manhood is designed to show you how to live a normal life as a man. We are here to show you what it takes. You are all here because either you or someone you love seems to think you don’t fit this role. So, you are here to get help. With our help you will live a virtuous life in God’s eyes.

“Let us pray. If you would all please bow your heads… Lord, our God, I want to thank you for bringing all these lost sons to us, today. Through your divine word, we will heal what ails these young boys. We ask that you place your loving hands on their hearts. Let them feel your presence here with us. We ask that you be here throughout the week. Show us guidance. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.”

The room fell silent. I look at the man’s face. He seems disappointed. Maybe that was due to the fact that not one of the boys sitting in the “audience” repeated the “amen”. Honestly, why would we? If anyone here, of the people that I’m sitting with, believes that they need to be cured, then they need to be punched in the face. They are too scared to be who they are as a person.

“Today, we are going to give you a tour of the campus. The only building that you are restricted from going to is the house behind the building we are in now. That is the admin building. After the tour, you will come back here for a short presentation, supper, and then off to bed. Tomorrow, we will start the activities. If everyone will please exit out the doors you entered, we will begin the tour.”

Everyone did as we were told. Michael and I stay together. We continue our talk as we walk around campus. I only listen to the man leading the tour when we get to a new “point of interest.” I want to know where things are, just in case something happens. That way I will know where to go. I made special note of the nurse’s office. That one, for some reason, I feel is going to be extremely important.

The tour is taking forever. It’s taking longer because people are walking extremely slowly. The tour guide either waits until everyone is in ear shot, or repeats himself as people join the group. It really isn’t bothering me, though. All this extra time is giving me more time with Michael. There is something about him that makes me feel so much better about myself. He is a great guy. We are interested in most of the same things. He is easy to talk to. If there is any chance that we can make a relationship after this camp, then I’m willing to try and make it work.

Our guide leads us back to the main building. Michael and I sit in the same seats we sat in before. When everyone is seated, Father McKinley gets back on stage and tells us what the presentation is going to be. He said it is “Jack and the Beanstalk.” Staff members get on stage with him. As they act out the tale, Father McKinley, who is the narrator, explains that the tale is loaded with coming-of-age symbolism. “Fatherless Jack has lived in the safe, feminine world under his mother’s care. The old man in the village represents ancient tribal elders who help boys transition into manhood. The seeds given to Jack represent both his sperm and the masculine potential for creation. Like most women, Jack’s mother doesn’t understand the importance of the seeds, and throws them out the window,” he said. The tale ends with Jack being sent to bed without supper.

“Much like Jack’s Adventure,” Father McKinley starts, as the other staff members clear the stage,” Journey into Manhood is the initiation into the mysterious world of heterosexual masculinity that has eluded you all for so long. Tomorrow we will begin the journey together. Tonight, go get some food and a good night’s rest.

With that, we are dismissed. Michael and I follow the others to the cafeteria. We talk with each other and a few others that are sitting at our table. When it is time for bed, we find our bags by whatever bed they were placed at. We are told not to switch. I pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow. “Tomorrow is not going to be fun,” was the last thought in my conscious mind.

 

[DonQuixote]

Tim,
This story is an intense one. The topic is a polarizing one, to say the least.

It feels like the stage is all set. All that remains is for the action to begin - in the morning.

I feel a dark, gray pall hanging over the heads of these young men, who have been brought to this place against their will, to do things to them that no one should be subjected to.

I don't know that to be the case; we haven't gotten that far. It is in my mind from programs I've seen in the past about these "Conversion" camps.

You have definitely kicked things up a notch with this story, Tim.
It is not an easy subject to write about, and you are tackling it, head on.

You have my attention, that is for sure.

 

[keigan86]

As always Tim your doing a great Job!!! Keep up the great work!!!

 

[bynm27]

i just hope justin gets through this. i've heard some pretty gruesome stories about what goes on at these conversion camps in the past. i just hope them counselors don't attach electrodes to justin's balls in hopes of electrocuting the gay away. but anyway, great story.

 

[sheep]

I hope Justin and Michael get to exchange some seed while away on their *camping adventure*. His parents and the operators this concentration camp should be horsewhipped.

 

[TimWhite07]

Things r going to start moving fast. Some good some bad.

 

[studmike2006]

I just found this forum thread and agree with all the other compliments. This is a most moving and perfectly drawn sketch of scenes that most of us have been through in one way or another

 

[hungbuzz]

i need more!!!!!

 

[stuyen]

Great chapter! Can't wait to read where this is going.

 

[TimWhite07]

Today for some reason I was awake at 5 in the morning. I got the rest of the chapter typed up. I'm going to be sending it out for editing soon. And hopefully have it posted either today or tomorrow.

 

[TimWhite07]

A Time for Love
Chapter 6



“TIME TO WAKE UP…. TIME TO GET THE DAY STARTED.”

My eyes shot open and I sat straight up. The sudden sound of someone’s voice made me jump. I looked around to find out who was screaming. Staff members were everywhere. They are walking around making sure everyone is awake. I climbed out of bed and grabbed some clothes from my bag. I stood up and looked over to where Michael’s bed is. I met his gaze. I waved and he waved back. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw one of the staff members glancing back and forth between us. He raised his hand, and then lowered it a few seconds later. He must have radioed something back to control. Maybe about what he saw us doing, or to let them know how the wake up process was going.

With my clothes in hand, I walked to the bathroom to take a shower. The showers were walled off so there was only one shower head per stall. It made sense that they would have it this way. They don’t want a bunch of gay guys showering together. That would be counterproductive. I set my clothes down on the bench just inside one to the shower stalls. I got undressed and opened the curtain to where the showerhead is. All over the walls were pictures of half or fully naked women. I wanted to throw up. It is disgusting what these people are doing. They think putting these pictures on the walls is going to turn us straight. They are encouraging us to masturbate, but only to naked women.

I turned the water on and started washing my body. I was going faster than normal. No part of me wants to be in this stall with these pictures. When I grabbed my shampoo bottle and poured some in my hands, this overwhelming feeling came over me. It feels like someone is watching me. I looked around to see if anyone was looking through the curtain, but nobody was there. I tried looking for a camera in the walls or the ceiling, but there was nothing. “Maybe it is just the pictures,” I thought.

I rinsed, dried off, and got dressed. I took my dirty clothes back to my bed. I made my way to the cafeteria for breakfast. I looked around and saw Michael sitting at the same table we were sitting at last night. I walked over to him and sat down.

“Good morning. I grabbed some food for you. I wasn’t sure what you like to eat in the morning, so I grabbed a little of everything.” Michael said.

“It looks delicious. Thank you… Oh, before I forget. I think we should be a little more subtle. When we waved at each other earlier, somebody was watching us. He radioed something, but I’m not sure what. We just need to be more careful.”

“Yeah, I noticed that guy, too. So, what do you think they are going to have us do today?”

“I have no idea. I’m hoping they start off slow. I don’t want to get thrown into everything at once.”

“Me either. But really, I just hope they don’t hurt us if they catch us breaking the rules.”

“I don’t think they will hurt us. They can’t. It is against the law.”

“Yeah, I’m just freaking out. I don’t want to be here. I’m scared of what they will do to us when they find out we’re still gay.”

“They’re not going to do anything; We’ll walk out of here loud and proud.”

“Together?”

“Definitely”

The biggest smile I’ve ever had formed on my face. I’m in a literal state of shock. Michael just asked me out, and I said yes. I had given up on life up until the moment I met him. I’d still felt worthless when I found out that my high school crush had a crush on me. He wasn’t ready when he told me. Now I know that Michael is gay. With him, I won’t have to hide. We can be who we want. I will live on the streets with him if it comes to it. Judging by how our parents reacted when they found out, I think being homeless is a likely possibility.

Breakfast ended with staff members announcing, really it is more like a drill sergeant yelling at new army recruits, that we all needed to head outside for the day’s first activity. I laughed at the word activity. The word implies something fun and entertaining. Nothing that these people have planned for us can be entertaining. Everything they have planned is meant to brainwash us into thinking we are straight, or at least think that we are going to die and burn in Hell for acting on our homosexual feelings.

I also find it funny that they keep calling this place a camp. Why don’t they call it what it is? This is an ex-gay camp. Everyone here knows what this place is. Yet they still call it camp. If they call it what it really is, then people won’t send their kids here. Then they won’t get any more money. The word ex-gay is terrible. Calling it a ministry camp is putting on a nice face for something that that is ugly and terrifying.

I started walking with everyone else. The staff brought us up to an open field. We are told to form two parallel lines. We made our lines so that we are facing each other. I’m staring at a blonde boy. He’s rather good looking. I’m think I might be missing the point of how me starring at another boy is going to help me get over my feelings

“What stories are you telling yourself about this man?” One of the staff members asked.

I looked at him and let my imagination take over. I saw him as a surfer. I came up with that because of the clothes he’s wearing. He looks stuck up. The look on his face tells me the he is thinking one thing. He’s thinking that the guy across from him wants me. He thinks he is God’s gift to every gay man. I glanced over at some of the other guys standing in the opposite line. They all seemed to have that same look on their face.

Thirty seconds or so went by and a different question was asked. Another thirty seconds, another question. Every question had something to do with how or what we feel about the other guy. I started to space out and think about other things. I don’t want to think about this smug guy. I pictured Michael. I could honestly do nothing but think about him for hours, if given the chance.

Luckily, the activity ended after three more questions. Having to look at this guy was starting to get annoying. The main staff member leading the group today dismissed us to a free time. He said we could walk around camp and make more friends. “Talk about sports, girls, anything that normal guys talk about.” Before he let us go, he added “Enjoy the free time while you have it. We are going to be doing more exercises over the remainder of the week. You won’t get too much time to yourselves.”

I found Michael talking with a group of people. I joined the group. I introduced myself. I didn’t want to be too forward, so I left out the fact that Michael and I are seeing each other. Plus, I can’t be too sure who is listening to what we are saying. Michael, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to share the same concern as me. The moment I say my name, he says “he’s my boyfriend.” My jaw drops to the floor. Of all places to tell people who you are dating, why did Michael choose here? We still have four full days in this place. Anything could happen. Anyone could find out. Someone might go and tell one of the staff members. Then we would be screwed.

I take Michael by arm and pull him away from everyone else.

“What’s wrong?” Michael asks, as I let him go.

“Well, I think we should keep the fact that we are together to ourselves. Trust me; I’m as excited about this as you are. I want to scream it to the world. But it’s not a good idea to say anything here. I don’t want anything bad to happen.”

“I know. I’m just really excited. I came here thinking the worst. I never expected to find someone here. Nothing bad is going to happen. It’s like you said yesterday. We are going to walk out of here together. We have to think positively.”

“After living my life expecting the bad out of everything, it is hard to imagine anything good happening. Even now, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I can’t shake the feeling that something is going to happen. I don’t want it to. I never want anything bad to happen to you. I like you a lot. From the moment you introduced yourself, I liked you. I care about you. If something were to happen because we didn’t keep this a secret, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I care about you too. Probably more than I should after only one day. I will try my best to keep my lips sealed. I can’t promise anything, though. I get kind of antsy.”

“It is just for four days. After that, I won’t ask you hide anymore. We will make it together. Even if that means that both of our parents throw us out and we have to live homeless. I would beg people for money everyday just so I could be next to you.”

“We will make it through this together.”

I put my hand on his shoulder and rubbed it. I want to do so much more to show my affection. I want to give him a hug and just hold him there forever. I want to kiss him passionately on the lips. But I can’t. I’m not allowed. I’m risking a lot just by touching his shoulder. I’m not sure what I am risking. Whatever they do to people who act on their sexual attraction here cannot be good. I’ve only heard stories about what goes on in these places. I’m not sure if any of it is true and I don’t want to find out. I just want to make it out of here and live my life with Michael.

I took my hand off Michael’s shoulder. We started walking towards the cafeteria. I was getting hungry. It is sure to be around lunch time by now. We walked through the door and saw nobody around. Not even cooks preparing food. I didn’t want to go back out for “free time”.

“Do you just want to stay in here until lunch?” I asked.

“I don’t care. Anywhere is great, as long as we are not near any of those creepy staff members.”

“Oh, we are not all creepy.” We both looked behind us. The guide from the tour yesterday had come in behind us. “What are you boys doing in here all alone? You weren’t planning on doing anything were you?”

“N…N…N…No sir. We were just talking.” Michael stuttered.

“OK then, How about we stay with the others from now on.” The guide said with a smile.

“Ok, no problem.” I said and we both hurried outside.

Being alone is going to be harder than I thought. They must have cameras everywhere.

With nothing else to do, we started walking back to the others. I was looking around trying to find a camera, but I saw nothing. Either they don’t have any, or they hid them extremely well. A couple of other boys, the ones that Michael told we were dating, came up to us.

“Were did you guys go?”

“For a walk, what do they expect us to do? We can’t act on the feelings we want to and we really can’t make friends without them thinking that we are going to hook up. The guide from the tour yesterday followed us and asked us if we were planning on doing anything. We couldn’t even if we wanted to. They are watching us all like hawks,” I said.

“Yeah, we know. Two others just got dragged away. They went behind some trees and started making out. Six of the staff members ran over and beat the crap out of them and took them away. One looked seriously hurt,” he said.

“And our parents are just helping us.”

“I think my parents knew stuff like this was going to happen.” Michael said. “They knew that if I got caught doing anything with another boy, that I would not be coming home.”

“Michael, don’t talk like that. They wouldn’t do something like that.”

“Yes they would. I heard my dad say that if I stay gay, then he wishes someone would get rid of me.” Tears were falling from his eyes.

I took him into my arms and held him. He needs a shoulder to cry on, and who better to be that shoulder than me. It didn’t take long before people took notice of what is happening.

“What are you doing? Let go of each other,” one staff member said.

“He is crying you ass whole. I’m trying to make him feel better.”

“Men don’t cry. Men stay strong,” another member said.

“You would cry, too, if you believed your parents sent you here to die.”

“Let go of him now. We don’t want to have to resort to forcing you,” another man said.

“It’s OK, Justin. You can let go. Thank you.”

I took my arms off him. He wiped the tears from his eyes.

“Good. Now everyone go to the auditorium.”

We all did as commanded. Can these people truly believe what they say? Can they honestly think men don’t cry? Men, straight men, are not all devoid of feelings, everyone cries. When someone is sad or hurt, they cry. Michael was only showing how he felt, and I was comforting him. Wouldn’t anybody do that, or would a straight guy walk away laughing at the person for crying? If that’s what I’m supposed to do, then I would rather die.

The auditorium was empty. The chairs had all been taken out. Now it resembled a gym with a stage. We all fielded into the room. We are told to form a circle. Staff members walking around handed us each a black blindfold. We are told to put them on. A few boys in there refused. When they said no, they were punched in the stomach and had the blindfold forced on their heads. It only took two more kids getting forced for the rest of us to put our blindfolds on. They are not screwing around anymore.

With the blindfold on, I start to hear squeaky shoes all around me. People start bouncing balls on the floor. The staff is recreating a high school gym.

“You Suck.”

“Take the shot.”

“Who let the queers in here?”

“All you fags should die.”

“Fucking fag, learn to be a man.”

“You are worthless.”

We are told to remove our blindfolds. I look around. Most of the boys, including myself, are shaking and crying. They brought the shame and fear we all have to life. The fear of how our peers in school will treat us and the shame we all have, thinking we are different, not normal.

“This is what you have to look forward to if you continue to live life the way you do now. You will be mocked and ridiculed for the rest of your life. You need to change right now. You need to live your life for Jesus. Only through Him can anyone know true happiness. This is what we are here to do. We are going to teach you how to live your life the way God meant for you to live it. Now, I want you all to think about whom God wants you to be as a person. I want you to think about it while you are eating. There will be no talking. You are not to speak until you tell one of the staff members who God told you to be. Now go get some food and listen to God’s voice.”

Nobody stood up to leave. Shocked, that was the look on everyone’s face. The look on that man’s face as he spoke scared me to death. Never before have I seen that look. There was no sign of anger in his voice or in his actions. I’m scared because of the lack of expression he showed. He was sincere. Each word he spoke was meant to be taken as the truth, and we better not challenge them. I don’t think anyone in this room dare do that. Not anymore. Up until now, I was almost ready to make out with Michael out in the open and not give a crap. Now, there is no chance I will try anything.

I walked to the cafeteria with Michael. As I pick up my tray of food, the question “who does God want me to be,” popped into my head. I’m not what many would call a believer. At the same time, I don’t deny the possibility of a god. I don’t believe in “God” as in the almighty being who is going to send me straight to Hell for loving someone of the same sex. However, I do believe there is another being that is controlling everything. I’ve heard all the stories and seen all the movies and shows. What I’m looking for is proof. There needs to be something that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that this not so loving God is real. Every story in the bible has been translated thousands of times. Who knows for sure what the original said. No matter what version, I feel that that book is made to be interpreted in your own way. How I see something is not going to the same way someone else sees it. That is the point of it all. Nobody else feels that way. Nobody else can think for themselves.

“God wants me to be who I am.” That single thought took over my mind. I can’t and don’t want to get it out. Having that reassurance echoing through my skull makes me feel better. I don’t need to live a forced life to be happy. I can live how I want and with who I want. I am free to give my love to whomever I want. My love is mine. I will choose who I give it to. That someone is Michael. He is the one person that I want to give my love to.

A smile grows on my face as I turn and look at Michael. He looks like he is hard at work trying to decide “who God wants him to be.” I want to tell him what I’m going to say. We can say the same thing. We can’t talk though. The staff is watching our every move. It almost seems like they are ready to pounce every time someone opens their mouth.

I’d had enough. The look of fear, anger, disgust, and self-loathing is making me sick. It’s not the looks themselves, but the reasoning behind them. None of us should be put in a situation where we have to feel like this. I stood up and started walking towards one of the staff members. I turned when I was about half way to him. I motioned for Michael to come with me. Honestly he stood up and walked to me.

“Listen to what I say and say pretty much the same thing.” I whispered. I tried not to move my lips, but some words you have to move them.

“Ok”

We walked up to the staff member. I stood in front of him, silent, until he said “My I help you Journeyer?”

“We are supposed to let you know when we hear God tell us who we are supposed to live like.”

“And what has God told you?” He asked with a smile on his face.

“God told me that I am to live my life the way I want to. I am who he wants me to be and that I shouldn’t change who I am for anybody. He wants me to love myself.”

Without giving him a chance to respond, I stepped aside so I Michael could speak. He said word for word what I said to him. He gave no response to what we said. We both turned and walked away. When we got back to the table, I looked back to the staff member that we spoke to and he was on his radio. No doubt telling the higher ups what we had said.

Dinner went on. More and more people went up to different staff to tell them what God said to them. After each one turned to leave, I looked at the face of whomever they spoke to. Some looked happy with what they heard, some did not. Not a single one of them said a word back to the boys giving them their revelations.

After eating, we were told to go to bed. They told us that we are going to have a full day tomorrow and that we’re going to need our sleep. To me that means we are going to get tested a lot. We are going to have to own up to what we said. Michael and I said that God wants us to be gay and that we are happy that way. That comment is not going to go without some kind of penalty.

I laid my head down on the hard pillow that the camp provided to us and closed my eyes. I don’t want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow. I heard someone walk to my bed. A hand grabbed my shoulder.

“Justin… Are you awake?” Michael asked. It was his voice that gave him away.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Will you take a walk with me? I can’t sleep and I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“Yeah.”

I got out of bed and put my shoes on. As quietly as we could, we snuck out. We walked towards some trees. We found a large tree trunk on the ground so we decided to lean up against it.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Tomorrow is my birthday. Every year my parents had a party for me. They always felt like they had to. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child, I don’t know. But I’m not going to get it this year. I look forward to it. I love the look of happiness they get when the party is great and they see me enjoying myself. This year they sent me here for my birthday gift.”

“I’m sorry. To put things in a brighter light; if your mom and dad didn’t send you here, then you wouldn’t have met me.”

“Yeah, you’re right; it just hurts that they did that.”

“I know it does. Our parents showed us who they really are. Now that I know who they are, I don’t want them in my life. I would rather live without them, than live with them and be hated.”

“I say the same thing, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

“I know I’m not. But I think it has to be this way. I deserve to live happy and so do you. If you’re not happy at home, then it is time to leave. We should never have to sacrifice our happiness.”

“Justin… You’re the best. You know just what to say to make me feel better. I’m so glad that I met you here. You are the only thing making this place bearable… Can I give you a kiss?”

“I thought you would never ask.”

Michael reached forward and put his hand on my neck. As he leaned towards me, he gently pulled me closer to him. Our lips met. Instantly, a shiver went through my entire body. Having our lips together felt so right. I wished the moment never had to end.

Michael broke the kiss. He left his hand on my neck and pulled his head back a few inches so he could look into my eyes. We sat starring at each other for a few moments. I leaned into him and started to kiss him once more. I have no clue what I am doing when it comes to kissing another person. I have only ever seen other people do it before. I did what I saw others doing. Whatever it was is that I’m doing, Michael likes it.

After a minute or so of us making out, Michael takes his hand off my neck and starts rubbing my chest. Lower and lower his hand goes down my torso until he finds the bottom of my shirt. He starts to put his hand under, when a lights shines on us.

“You two stop what you are doing.”

“Michael, run,” I screamed.

We both took off. We ran deeper and deeper into the trees. I have no clue where this leads, but I know I don’t want either of us to get caught by the staff here. There is no telling what they will do. I ran as fast as I could. I could hear Michael’s heavy breathing and footsteps close behind. Then they stopped. It didn’t register right away that I no longer heard them. When I finally realized that I wasn’t being followed by him or anyone else, I stopped. I turned around, and sure enough nobody was there. I saw no lights.

“Michael…” I said in a low whisper. No response came.

Panic started to take over. “What happened to him? Did someone catch him? What are they going to do to him? Should I keep running and get away, or should I go back for him?”

 

[DonQuixote]

Tim,
This is a powerful chapter.
The inner workings of this "Christian" Conversion Camp starts to be revealed.

Some of what you have presented brings an interesting questioning - the standing there, staring at other guys, pondering what they are thinking, and the animus that raised could start to make someone question - at some level, as evidenced by the thoughts going on.

The physical actions - punching out - guys who crossed over the line with PDA's is something altogether different, and gut wrenching.

I'm not sure how this will play out, only you know that - IF you even know it, yet.
I can see lots of pain and suffering, with dire outcomes for some.

Or, there's the possibility of happiness being ferreted out from within the angst and abuse.

It was a captivating read.
Not an easy one, but a riveting one.

 

[keigan86]

Another great chapter Tim.

 

[bynm27]

justin has come a long way on his journey to discover himself. i just hope he can make it through these next three days without any physical abuse happening to him. that conversion camp is a damn mess. but anyway, can't wait until the next chapter. hurry soon.

 

[sheep]

I hope they survive. FundaMENTALists are sick, and not in a good way

 

[Kyanimal]

Wonderful story, Tim. It's making me really "edgy". That's a "good thing", I think!

You've posited a lot to think about. I'm hoping that what might come "next" will be positive. However, I get the feeling that it won't be ...

You've got me on the edge of my seat, here!

Of course ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[TimWhite07]

Chaz, you know every time i see your posts i smile.

Im glad you are all likeing this story. Soon it will come to an end. Im not sure how many more chapters this will be, because as you all know, i dont write with a set plan in mind, i write with how i feel at the moment. I have the end in mind for this story i just dont know how i will get there.

 

[Kyanimal]

Tim

You make me Smile, too!

And, it's not just about your stories, but also about your writing style, and getting to know what's in your mind, through your words.

And, it's also about what you let us know, about your own "back story", through your comments, outside of your "official" narrative.

I've grown to LIKE You, Buddy! You're a very "Kewl" Dude!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz