A Time for Love
Chapter 8
My eyes are growing heavy. I need to sleep, but I can’t. I need to be awake just in case something happens with Michael. I won’t be able to forgive myself if something happened while I was asleep.
Out the back window, I can see the ambulance’s flashing lights reflecting off other cars’ windows. The sight is making chills run up and down my spine. Everything seems so surreal. It feels like I’m in a dream. I feel like I’m going to wake up at any moment and everything is going to be all right. I’ve often wondered if that is what is going on, the feeling that I am living a dream, that all of what I know and think is a figment of my imagination. One day I’m going to wake up from this dream that has shown me nothing but heartache. I’m going to wake up to an amazing reality, where I don’t have to worry about anything, because nothing will go wrong.
“Justin, we are almost at the hospital. When we get there, you need to call your parents and let them know where you are,” Paul said.
“Ok…. Is Michael going to be all right?”
“It’s really hard to say right now. The doctor will be able to say with more certainty after they have had a chance to look at him.”
My gaze turns back to the battered and bruised body of Michael. All I can think about is how I should be right there with him. I should be lying next to him, but I’m not. I got away. I feel terrible that I did. I feel guilty that I’m not hurt the same way he is. I don’t know why. It really doesn’t make sense. I should feel happy that I wasn’t beaten to within an inch of my life. But how can I, when I see what should have been done to me.
The ambulance pulls up to the hospital doors and the paramedics jump out, pulling Michael’s stretcher with them. Paul leads me to a desk so I can get a hold of my parents. It’s an interesting concept. I need to call the two people that sent me to a place where I was bound to get hurt, so they can pick me up at a hospital. I’m more than a little hesitant. What are they going to say? I can hear them now,
“You should have listened to the Counselors. If you did, then you wouldn’t be in the mess you’re in right now.”
“Why should I call them? They’re not going to care.”
“They are your parents. They love you. Of course they’re going to care.”
“If they cared, then they wouldn’t have sent me away in the first place.
“Call them; you’ll see that they will be worried about you.”
He’s trying hard to convince me. I know the truth though. They might hurry here, but once they find out why I’m here, their attitudes are going change. Frankly, I will be surprised if they let me go home with them. After the last time that I spoke to them, they didn’t seem like they would accept me if I’m still gay.
“Ok, I will call them.”
Paul had one of the nurses hand me a phone from their side of the desk. With the handset against my ear and a deep breath, I dialed my house number. Two rings went by and my dad picked up.
“Hello? … Hello? … Is anyone there?”
“Yes.”
“Who is this?”
“Dad, it’s me, Justin.”
“Where are you calling from? Why aren’t you at the camp?”
“I’m at the hospital. I had to runaway from there.” I started crying when he picked up the phone. The sound of a familiar voice was comforting.
“Son, calm down, which hospital are you at?”
“I don’t know. I’m sorry dad… I just want you and mom to love me.”
“We do love you…. Justin, I need you to ask someone which hospital you are at.”
“Ok”
Pulling the phone away from my ear, I started to ask where I was, but the nurse cut me off with “This is Henry Mayo New Hall Memorial Hospital in Santa Clarita.”
“Did you hear that?” I asked my dad putting the phone back to my ear.
“Yeah, we’re on our way.”
“I’m sorry dad. I’m sorry I’m not the son you want me to be.”
“Calm down Justin. Everything is going to be fine. We are going to get there as fast as we can.”
The line went dead Even though he sounded sincere with his words, after everything that both my mom and dad put me through, I don’t know if I can believe him. I’m not going to lie to them again. I’m not going to go back in the closet to make them happy. When they ask me why I ran away and had to come to the hospital, I’m going to tell them about Michael.
“Ma’am.” I said to the nurse. “When they are done looking over my friend, can someone take me to his room?”
“Yeah… Paul asked me to take a look at you as well, just to make sure you’re not hurt. Are you ok with that?”
“Yeah… I mean… I guess so.”
“Ok, follow me, hon.”
She led me to an exam room. She reached into a cabinet and grabbed a gown and asked me to put it on. Thankfully she said I could leave my underwear on. I don’t want to be naked in front of a doctor or nurse unless I absolutely have to, like when I have to get a physical done. Even that isn’t appealing to me; especially not right now. The only thing I can think about, the only thing on my mind is Michael. I want to know if he is going to be ok. I want to know if I’m going to get to have a life with him.
“Are you ready Justin?”
“Yeah”
“Ok. I’m just going to look you over to make sure you’re not hurt anywhere.”
“I don’t feel any pain anywhere.”
“You have been through a traumatic experience. You’re worried about your friend. You might be numb to some of the signals that your body is telling you.”
“I guess I never thought of that.”
I lay down on the bed, chair thing. I have no clue what they are called, but I know they are uncomfortable. She put her stethoscope in her ears and put the other end on my chest. As soon as it touched my skin, a shiver ran though me.
“Sorry. Guess I could have warmed it up a bit.”
“No worries.”
The expression on her face went from happy and joyful to nothing. Everything left her face. It’s almost as if she’s an empty shell. Then she pulled the microphone end off my chest and once again the emotion was back. It’s creepy the way she can shut herself off like that.
“Ok. I’m going to put some pressure in some areas. I need you to tell me if any of them hurt.”
“Ok”
She starts pushing different parts of my body. The only time I feel any pressure or any kind of discomfort is when she has me flip over onto my stomach and she pushes on my lower back. I let out wince from her pushing, she asks me how severe the pain is. I tell her that I wouldn’t use severe as a word to describe it. It’s more just sore. I explained to her why I think that it might be that way. My assumption is that when I was leaning up against that tree all night, I didn’t sit right and that in turn created a lot of tension in my lower back. I’m not entirely sure she believes what I told her. Honestly, I couldn’t care less. It’s the truth. If she tries to tell me it’s something different and that they are going to do some tests, I’m going to refuse. They can’t do anything without my consent.
All I am doing by letting this lady look me over is wasting time. It may be a while before Michael is somewhere I can see him. He is the only thing on my mind. He is the only thing that I care about. Even if I were hurt, it wouldn’t matter to me. I just don’t care about me anymore. I feel like this has happened to him because of me. I didn’t stay behind and help him like I should have. I didn’t know that he wasn’t behind me. I should have been paying more attention. Everything that has happened is my fault. The only thing that is conflicting with this is the thought that if I had stayed behind to help and paid more attention, I would be in the same place Michael is. Maybe if I stayed, things would be worse.
If people around me could read my mind, I’m sure they would all tell me to think positively. But what they don’t understand is, I can’t. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Too many things have gone wrong in my life. My past can never allow me to be happy. I was crazy to think that this time it would be different. Something good…. No, something wonderful came into my life, and for once I was happy. I found love in the most unexpected place. I found love in a place surrounded be people who hate who I am and who did everything that they could to destroy me. This was my time for love. It’s gone now. Michael has accepted it and it’s time that I do as well. Of course I want him to make it through this. I would be ecstatic to see that happen. But seeing the shape he was in, I know it is not realistic to think that it will. I just want to see him alive one more time so that I can tell him that I love him.
“All done Justin; you’re good to go, you just seem shaken up.”
“Can you find out how my friend is doing? I need to see him before it is too late.”
“I will find out for you. Wait here for now.”
Out of the room the nurse went. Again I’m left alone with my thoughts. What do I have to live for? I’m about to lose the one person that has ever cared about me the way I’ve always wanted. My parents, or at least my dad has seemed to have a change of heart about me. But that’s probably too good to be true. Tucker says that he likes me. If that’s the case; then there should be nothing stopping him from taking me, making me his. There is the fact that he is afraid of people finding out. He has been good about hiding it up to this point. We can hide it from everyone. Even though I’ve gone through this whole ordeal, I’m not going to be ready for everyone at school to know. Losing Michael is going to be hard enough; I won’t be able to take the hatred and abuse from my peers. I see how other gay kids are treated, the ones that are out of the closet. I hear how people talk and make fun of gay people. None of it is good.
Waiting in this room, alone, for the nurse to come back is driving me insane. What is taking her so long? Can’t she get on the intercom or phone and find out. In this modern world she shouldn’t even have to leave the room to find out what is going on.
She came back in the room just as my last nerve was about to snap. If I had to wait one more minute, I was going to start wandering around the halls until I found Michael. Doesn’t matter that I have no clue what part of the hospital I’m in or what part they took him to. I just can’t sit still anymore.
“Sorry that took so long. They have your friend in a room. You can go see him if you would like. We got a hold of his parents and they gave us the ok to let you in, they weren’t too happy about letting you in. Normally, right now we would only let family in. So go ahead and change back into your clothes and I will take you to him.”
She stepped out of the room and I grabbed my clothes. I was so focused and worried about Michael that I had forgotten that I was still in the hospital gown with my butt hanging out. I throw off the exposing gown and put my clothes back on. I opened the door and told the nurse I was ready. She led me to Michael’s room. I saw him through the door and I started to take off toward him, but the nurse stopped me.
“Before you go in, I need to tell you that Michael’s injuries are very serious. He has extensive internal damage and heavy internal bleeding. The doctors did what they could to stop the blood but they couldn’t stop it all.”
“Is he going to be ok?”
“As of right now, we can’t say. The doctors had to remove a large amount of blood to make the swelling go down. Michael’s heart is working to make more. We would have given him some but he has a rare blood type and we don’t have any in the hospital. We have some being brought from another hospital, but it will take some time for it to arrive.”
“And with the blood, he is going to be ok?”
“The next few days will tell us. We are hoping for the best. I don’t want to give you false hope. Right now, Michael’s condition is not looking good. My advice is to say goodbye while you can. They are saying that he probably won’t last through the night.”
“Is… There….. noth……nothing…. More…..th…..they …… can do?” I said through sobs and tears.
“I’m sorry, but right now, there is nothing else that can be done.”
The tears start to flow freely. There’s no chance of stopping. I don’t want them to stop. I’m sad. I’m hurt. Once again I’m going to be alone. Michael was my chance for a happy life. He was my chance for love. Now that chance is gone. I’m not going to be able to get it back. My heart is broken. No, not broken, that would mean there is a chance for it to be fixed. My heart is shattered and there is nothing that can put it back together. Everything could go right from now on, and still I’m going to feel this empty hole. It doesn’t make much sense. I’ve only known Michael for a few days, and I feel this way. I didn’t really have time to fall in love with him, but I did. I’m sure it’s love. Even he said that loved me.
Wiping tears away, I walked into Michael’s room. They have him hooked up to machines and hoses. I pulled a chair up close to the bed and took his hand in mine. He didn’t move a muscle or say a word. I made myself comfortable. I’m going to sit here until either Michael wakes up or I’m made to leave by either my parents or a nurse. With all my heart, I’m hoping that he wakes up long enough that I can say I love you and goodbye. He can’t go without hearing those words one more time. They have to be the last words that he hears.
Two hours go by; Michael doesn’t move except a twitch here and there. He moans a few times. He looks so helpless, so…lifeless. How can someone who is not dead look as if they are? There is barely any color in his skin, almost as if his soul already departed. The feel of his skin is almost like touching ice. It’s like all that I’m feeling is the empty shell that was once Michael.
Michael twitches again, this time his eyes shoot open.
“Michael… Are you awake?”
“I’m so cold.”
I start rubbing his arms in an attempt to warm him up. He winces in pain. I guess in the excitement of him waking up, I forgot he is covered in bruises. I grabbed the blanket off the other bed in the room and throw it on him. I open my mouth to speak as I look at his face. Sweat droplets are covering his entire face and rolling down his cheeks. At the same time his body is shaking. He’s in a cold sweat.
“Everything is going to be ok. You’re going to be fine. The doctors are going to help you get better.”
“I’m not scared to die Justin. It’s going to set me free.”
“You just have to believe it, and you will get better.”
“You only want that to happen; we both know how this is going to turn out.”
“Of course I want that to happen. Why wouldn’t I? The person I’ve fallen in love with, you, is lying in a hospital bed. Of course I want that to change. You’re hurt and I want you to feel better.”
“Justin, I’m ok with this. I want you to be ok with it to. I’m not going to be in pain anymore. I’m going to be in a better place. And I’m going to watch over you.”
“Michael…”
“Please, I don’t want to spend what time we have left dwelling on this. I want to know more about you. I want to know more about my boyfriend.”
“What do you want to know?” I ask, wiping away my tears.
“Everything. No secrets. Tell me every secret you have, I swear I won’t tell anyone.”
“That’s not funny Michael. You want me to look past the fact that you’re dying and you make jokes about it?”
“I’m sorry.”
I sit back in my chair and start talking. He wants to know everything there is to know about me. I start with my most recent thoughts. Not ones about what is going on right now, or even in the past week. I tell him how Tucker made me feel and what he said. I tell him that I tried killing myself because I hated who I was. Every dark thought that I ever had pours out of me. Once I start, I can’t stop. All of it, every word, needs to be spoken. I need to get these feelings off my chest. After each confession, I get the feeling that a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.
Each burden that is lifted leaves an empty hole in my emotional state. As I feel better about telling someone all of my feelings, the sadness that I feel over Michael is becoming overwhelming. Longer and longer pauses are filling the space between each of my confessions. The realization of what is going to happen is starting to truly sink in. I’m going to lose him. Soon he is going to be gone, and there’s nothing that I can do about it. I just have to accept it.
“Justin….”
“Yeah?”
“Take my hand.”
I reach out with my hand and take hold of his.
“When you go home, don’t let what other people think or say change who you are. Be who you’re meant to be. You’re a great guy. Show Tucker that. Show him you’re not afraid to be out and open, and maybe he will do the same. Give him a chance. Don’t give up on him, like you haven’t given up on me. Love will find you again. Don’t give up on it.”
“I won’t. It will take me a little bit to get over you, not that I ever will, completely.”
“That’s the reason I fell for you. You’re so innocent. I wish… we could have gotten more… time together.”
“Me too I want that more than anything.”
“Can I have… one more… kiss?”
“As long as you don’t mind that I cry while I give it to you.”
“I… don’t… mind…I’m… going… to… too.”
I put my free hand behind Michael’s neck as I slowly lean in for our final kiss. I close my eyes a millisecond before our lips meet. The sparks that I knew were between us, erupt at that moment. There are no words that can accurately describe how I’m feeling. The best way I can describe it is the feeling that you get when you know what you are doing is the right thing to do. The feeling when you know everything is going to turn out fine in the end.
The kiss had to end. I didn’t want it to. Michael’s breathing started to stager. I noticed it when he was talking. Now he can barley seem to hold any air or take any air in. It’s like his lungs are failing. Seeing him like this is breaking the little sliver that is left of my heart. As much as I love the kiss that we just shared, I would much rather have sat there holding his hand while he slept and have him pass away peacefully. Those bastards couldn’t let that happen though. They had to have him suffer right up to the very end.
“Jus… Jus… Justin.”
“Michael, save your strength.”
“I…I…L…Love…You.”
“I love you to.”
He grinned and shut his eyes. The last bit of air left in his lungs exited his body. His grip on my hand loosened. If someone just came in, they would think he is just sleeping. That’s what he looks like. But he’s not. He is gone. His chest is no longer rising and falling. His body lay motionless as if he was a statue. In my opinion, he is the statue of a god. In so many ways he was perfect, at least to me.
I want to cry. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to yell at anyone; anyone that will let me yell at them. I’ve held so much in; so much anger, fear. It’s all so over whelming. It’s too much for me to handle. I’m ready to explode.
I lower my head and squeeze Michael’s hand. “I love you so much. I love you with all my heart.”
Nurse’s come into the room and ask me to stand back. The heart monitor was going at a flat line. A doctor rushes into the room. 30 seconds go by and Michael is pronounced dead.
“I’m so sorry for your loss, honey. Is there anything I can get for you?” a nurse asks.
“No, but is it alright if I stay here until my parents get here?”
“We will have to check with the doctor. He may want to move him right away.”
She left and I stare at Michael’s body. This doesn’t seem real. No part of this seems real. It’s another one of the moments where I feel like I’m living a dream. That at any second I’m going to wake up and find that everything that just happened was just a nightmare. In this case I am praying for that to happen. I would give anything for that right now.
