Hey Guys. Here is the new chapter. Hope you all like it. Chapter 10 is underway. I will try not to keep you guys waiting to long for this one.
A Time for Love
Chapter 9
It’s happened. There is no changing that. What do I have to live for now? Nothing even comes to mind. My family hates who I am. They hate me enough to send away to an ex-gay camp. They had to have done some research on that place. They must have known what they were sending me away to. Maybe that’s what they were talking about before they opened the trunk to let me get my stuff out. They knew. They knew that if I didn’t change I was going to be hurt. There is no way they wouldn’t have. Now that it has come true, I can’t help but wonder what is going through their heads. They could have lost their oldest son. Does that even matter to them? I can honestly say that I don’t think it does. I have yet to see any action that shows any kind of remorse. Maybe the remorse will start when they come to pick me up. Maybe it will start when they see what happened to Michael. Maybe then they will realize that I could have died because of them.
There I go again. Think for the better. Where has that gotten me? I’m in a hospital room, holding my boyfriend’s hand as he lay dead. All because I thought things were going to start going right. This is just an example of why I can’t be happy. The universe doesn’t want that for me.
There is no concept of time for me anymore. How long have I been sitting at Michael’s side? Minutes? Hours? It doesn’t feel like any time has passed. I can hear the world moving on around me, so I know that time is still going by. I’m just at a standstill. It’s like a scene in a movie that the main focus is going one speed and the rest of the world is passing like the person is going in slow motion. All I want is for my life to be moving at the same speed as everyone else.
“Justin….” A familiar voice said behind me.
Not a single muscle moved in my body. My hand remains clenched to Michael’s.
“Justin…. Son… Are you ok?”
“Do you honestly care if I am or not? If you don’t, then I’m going to continue to tell you that everything in my life is just peachy. If you do care, then I’m going to tell you that I’m heartbroken.”
“Yes I care. Justin, I’m your father and I always will be.”
“Does it matter to you at all that I’m gay?”
“Of course it matter’s to us….”
“I knew it. Just go dad. I’m not going to go thought this anymore.”
“Can I finish please?..... Of course you being gay matters to us. It is not a life that we want for you. But we were wrong in what we did to you. We should have listened to you. We thought we were helping you. We honestly thought that place could help you. We were wrong. I know saying it won’t be enough. Maybe one day you can forgive us. We never wanted to hurt you.”
“It’s good to hear you say that… But I don’t know dad. You really hurt me. You both did. One day I might be able to forgive you. That day is not going to happen soon.”
“I understand that. Your mom will to. We want you to be happy and safe.”
“Happy? You want me to be happy? You see him?” I said pointing at Michael. “How am I going to be happy without him?”
“I don’t know son. Who is he?”
“My boyfriend; his name is Michael. His parents did the same thing you did to me. They sent him away because they wanted to help him. They sent him away because they didn’t understand. We met at that camp. We started talking and then he asked me out. We were planning on running away together. The counselors caught us kissing. We both ran. I got away, Michael didn’t. They beat the hell out of him. He died right here. He died while holding my hand. I just watched my boyfriend die because his parents didn’t understand. He died because you didn’t understand. He died because the normal world doesn’t understand us, and so we are condemned.”
“I’m so sorry Justin.”
Should I accept his apology? He says he is sorry. He is admitting he was wrong. But it’s too late. The damage is done. Nothing my dad can do will make up for what was done to me. No, I can’t accept what he is saying to me. Not now, at least.
“Are you ready to go, or do you want to stay with him a little longer?”
“I think I’m ready to go. Crying over his body won’t help me. I need to get back home and try and get on with my life.”
“Ok. Your mom is talking to one of the nurses. She is going to be happy you’re alright.”
I took Michaels hand in mine one more time. This is going to be the last time I will get to see him. This is going to be my final goodbye. I squeezed his hand gently and mouthed “I love you.” I let go and started following my dad to the nurses’ station. My mom is standing at the counter signing papers. I stepped up beside her. She looked at me. She has been crying. Her makeup is all runny.
“Honey, I’m so sorry that we put you though this.”
“I know, dad told me.”
“Can you forgive us?”
“We will talk in the car.”
I turned and started towards the front door where dad is standing waiting for me. I followed him to the car without a word spoken. We pulled the car around to the front door and picked mom up. When we started heading home, I realized that I don’t have any of the new clothes that my mom bought me. Except for the ones I’m wearing. I’m not going to keep these. I can’t. Every time I put them on, I’m going to be reminded of Michael and that I was wearing them when he died. Going though that once is enough. Once just about killed me, twice surely will.
“Can we talk, Justin?” asked mom.
“About how sorry you are for hurting me? About how you were wrong for what you did and that you only meant to help me?”
“We are both truly sorry. As your mother, I should have known better.”
“Yeah, you should have. And you can save your apology. I don’t want to hear it. Nothing you can do can make up for the shit you put me through. I’m going to stay with you until finals are done. After that, I’m leaving. I can’t forgive you for this. Not now, at least. I don’t care if you help me or not. I need time to think. I need time to be alone.”
“Are you sure? Are you just saying this because you just lost what’s his name?” My mom said.
“Wow, mom. Thanks. That’s just what I needed. His name was Michael. And for your information, he was my boyfriend. I watched and held onto him while he was in the pain of his life. Through that I know I loved him. So, yeah upset, but I’m not just saying it for a cop out. I said it because that is what I’m going to do.”
“I’m sor…..”
“STOP APOLOGIZING. I’m tired of hearing it. I just want to go home. Please, just get me home.”
My mom is hurt. I talked to her pretty harshly. But, in comparison, I was nice. I should have, and had the right, to rip her a-new one. But I didn’t. I held my tongue for the most part. I didn’t say what I really wanted to say. I am glad, however, to have the rest of the drive in peace and quiet. I get a lot of time to think, and I need it.
What am I going to tell everyone at school? They are going to wonder where I have been for the last week. I can’t tell them the truth. I’m ready to stop the hiding. This last week has showed me that I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am. I need to be proud. There is nothing wrong with me. But what I’m not ready for is the harassment I’m sure to get. If I tell everyone that I’m gay, I’m going to be even more of an outcast than I already am. I’m still depressed, even more than I was before. Depression combined with harassment is not a good idea. My mind is not a stable thing right now.
Sleep is starting to take over. My body is shutting off. I haven’t slept in almost forty eight hours. I’m in need of rest. Soon I’m going to start seeing things. The thought of hallucinations is so alluring, but when it actually happens, I freak out. Maybe that’s because I never see anything happy. Every image is more morbid than the last. To my relief, the heaviness of my eyes wins before a dark thought enters my mind and is portrayed as actual reality.
What seemed like three minutes of sleep was really the entire two hour drive back to San Diego. It wasn’t restful. I didn’t get to REM-sleep. Not from lack of time. I just don’t want to dream. I know what I’m going to find there. Even though I don’t want to forget, I don’t want to remember. Remembering will just make me more depressed.
After pulling into the driveway, I got out and started for my room. I need to get out of these clothes. They are a reminder of what happened today. I took them off, threw them to the ground and put new clothes on. I picked up the clothes and put them in a bag. I started to walk out to throw them away, but I just froze in place. These clothes are the last things that I have, besides my memories, to commemorate my time with Michael. If I get rid of them, am I throwing a piece of him away? That is the last thing that I want to do.
“Justin… Can I come in?” Keith asked, standing in the doorway.
“Sure, Bud.”
He ran over and sat down on my bed. I walked over and sat down next to him.
“What was camp like? Did you have fun?”
“I didn’t have that much fun there.”
“Why not? Camp sounds like fun.”
“Normally, it would be, but the one I went to was not for fun.”
“What was it for?”
“Mom and dad sent me there to change who I am. You may not understand right now, but I’m going to tell you a secret that I have been hiding for a very long time. I’m gay, Keith. Do you know what that means?”
“No.”
“It means that I like other boys.”
“I like boys too. Does that mean I’m gay?”
“No. You know how mom loves dad, and dad loves mom?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, what I mean by gay is that I love other boys like mom and dad love each other.”
“Oh.”
“The reason mom and dad sent me away was because they don’t like that I’m gay. They think it’s a bad thing.”
“Is it?”
“No, not at all.”
“Ok. I love you, Justin. I like you the way you are.”
“Thanks, bud.”
Tears started to fill my eyes. Keith is so young and innocent. He doesn’t understand how cruel this world can be.
“Why are you crying?”
“I’m sad. The boy that I liked died this morning.”
“I’m sorry. Do you need a hug?”
“I would love one. Your hugs always make me feel better.”
I leaned over and took Keith in my arms. His hugs always do make me feel better. I broke the hug and looked into his eyes. He smiled.
“I’m kind of tired, bud. I need to get some sleep. I don’t want to be tired for school tomorrow.”
“OK, goodnight.”
Keith hugged me one more time and left. I pulled the covers back, got under them and drifted off to sleep. My being tired won out over the millions of things that I have running through my mind.
Yet another dreamless sleep, therefore another restless night of sleep. Soon I’m going to start getting bags under my eyes. I’m going to start looking like I’m in my own little world. I will seem disconnected from everything around me. People are going to wonder what is going on. What am I going to tell them? Anything, but the truth. Telling them why I’m sulking around will only make things worse.
I threw the covers off with a sigh and rolled out of bed. I need to make myself look as normal as possible. Changing the way I look will put me in everyone’s gaze. Questions would start to be asked. Even if they never get answered, the paranoia will consume me. Thinking that everyone who is looking at me knows that I’m gay will be the only thing I could concentrate on.
Black! That’s all that I see when I open my closet doors. A black hole of emotions: my emotions. They are screaming to be let free. But I can’t let them. I still have to hide. I can’t look any sadder, any more pathetic than I normally would. Not a single person can know what happened to me. Nobody can be trusted. It’s bad enough that my parents know. When people know about something this big, they start to talk. Talk gets around. Everyone is friends with somebody else. So black must remain the main color in my wardrobe.
With darkness covering a shaking and pale version some would call the former me, I opened the door and went out to the kitchen. I grabbed an apple. I have a long walk ahead of me. There is no time to eat with my parents. I look at the table. That is a family. Mom and Dad sitting, eating, and talking with their kids: their normal kids. I don’t fit into that mold. My parents are acting like nothing happened. To them, nothing has. I guess dealing with and coming to terms with having a gay son means that they ignore the fact that I’m in pain. The very least they could have done was to offer to give me a ride today. I would have turned them down. The offer probably never even crossed their minds. That would be more time that one of them would have to spend with me. They would have to talk to me. It’s one of those parental duties. It’s one that they would rather avoid with me. It’s great to know where I stand with my family.
I went to the door, grabbed my bag, and out the door I walked. Clear my head, that’s what I need to do. Easier said than done! Michael died in my arms. His hand was around mine. His fingers were interlocked with mine. I felt and heard his last breath leave his body. How can that ever be cleared out? That is burned into my memory for the rest of my life.
Walking down this street feels different, somehow. There is an eerie feeling in the air. The bus rolled past me, just like every other day. Normally, there is no feeling that comes over me. Today, I felt stared at. Maybe I’m being paranoid. That has to be it; there is no way for anyone at school to know. Nobody besides my family knows where I was. They wouldn’t tell anyone. They are too ashamed to have me in their lives.
The feeling of people looking at me is getting worse and worse as I get closer and closer to the school. All of the “cool” kids are sitting in the parking lot next to their cars, like they are truly something to show off. As I pass each group of kids, I swear I can hear whispering back and forth. This is not just paranoia. This feeling can’t be this strong and just be in my head. People are talking about me. What are they saying? That is the big question. I have the unsettling feeling that I’m going to find the answer soon enough. I know I’m not going to like the answer I find.
I walk inside to the school to find my normal table in the common area empty. I walk to it and sit down. I need to act like nothing is wrong. I need to act like nothing has changed. I look around and see my friend Josh talking with a few other friends. He is one of the few people to sit with me in the morning.
“Hey, Josh.” I waved my hand to grab his attention.
He turned and looked at me, then turned back. Something is definitely strange. He always comes over and talks with me until we have to go class. But he just blew me off.
People noticed I was gone. I can tell by the stares I am getting. Like an idiot I thought I would have faded into the shadows, unseen and unheard. I guess I was wrong in my thought process. Even trying to make myself blend into the crowd had me stand out in some strange way. Everyone sees the outcast, but never talks to them. Once the outcast is gone, they become the topic of conversation.
Hurt and confused, I left the table. With my head low, I made my way to my locker. One more week, that’s all I have to do. Monday, finals start. Everyone is going to be focused on those. They are not going to have time to worry about me and where I have been.
“Did you hear where Justin was all week?” I heard a boy say behind me.
“No. Where was he?” another said.
“I heard that his parents sent him to a crazy hospital.”
“Really? He doesn’t look crazy or anything.”
“That’s because they shocked it out of him.”
Don’t turn around. Keep your mouth shut. Don’t give them the satisfaction of getting angry. All good advice I’ve heard over the years. All can be applied to this very situation. I would be able to use it if I didn’t already have a million other things on my shoulders.
“Do you even know what you’re talking about?” I said, turning to face the two boys talking behind me.
“Wha….”
“Save it. I heard you; EVERY word. You don’t know why I have been gone all week, so you people make up stories. They get passed around until the person finally hears it. Grow up and get a life. Why should it be any of your business where I was? That’s right, it’s not.”
“But I…”
“I don’t want to hear it. Leave me out of your fucking conversations,” I yelled.
I turned and walked away from them. I don’t want or need to hear what they are going to say. Either way, it would have put me in an even worse mood. So instead of getting in an inevitable fight, I choose the better course. I probably would feel better if I go back and fight. I just don’t need the consequences right now.
Word about what happened between me and whoever those two guys were spread fast. Not even an hour had past and people are already talking about it. Of course how I’m hearing it, is not what really happened. High school gossip is so strange. By the time the third person is telling the story, the truth has been buried so far beneath lies and made up crap; that it can never be brought to the light of day again. What I’m hearing about my little encounter has fallen to the same fate. I’m supposed to have been punched in the face by one of the two guys. When I got up, I ran away crying like a little baby while calling out for my mommy. If I didn’t feel awkward about being here already, hearing this story certainly would have done the trick.
Lunch. Normally I spend it chatting with my friends. I can’t say that I’m getting that pleasure today. Alone is how I’m spending my time, eating whatever kind of meat was slapped onto my tray. I feel so loved and cared for by my peers. Eyes are on me. I can feel them. But I can’t see who is staring at me.
Why can’t I live my life in peace? Am I doomed to spend the remainder of my days in complete misery? That’s how I feel. That’s how everyone around me is making me feel. Why fight it anymore? I just need to lower my head and take it.
I got up from the table, went and emptied my tray into a trash can, and started down the hall. I’m not a part of what everyone else calls society. I don’t need to pretend I am, so I don’t need to eat with them.
“Justin… Hey wait up.” Someone called out behind me.
“What?” I asked as I turn to see who is ruining their reputation at this school by trying to get my attention. To my amazement, Tucker is walking up to me, and with a smile.
“Where were you all week? I thought something horrible happened. I thought you…”
“I know what you thought. Nothing like that happened.”
“I’m glad you’re here to say that.”
“Something bad did happen. I don’t want to talk about it here, though. There are too many people. Everyone keeps looking at me funny.”
Tucker didn’t open his mouth to respond. He knew what everyone else knows.
“Tucker, what do you know? Why is everyone sneering at me? Why is everyone talking about me behind my back?”
He can’t even look at me.
“Tucker?”
“I don’t know how they found out or if someone just made it up.”
“What? Oh my god…. They know don’t they?”
“Yyeeaah”
“This is fucking great. I thought my life couldn’t get any worse.”
“I’m really sorry, but that’s not all.”
“What?.... What else could they possibly know about me?”
“Someone started a rumor that your parents found out and they sent you to some camp north of LA to ’get better’.”
How? How could anybody know that? There is no way anyone here could. Yet someone does.
“This is not happening.”
“It’s ok. It’s just a rumor.”
“You don’t get it. It’s not just a rumor. That did happen. Someone knows….. I can’t stay here. I have to go.”
I took off down the hall. Tucker called out to me, but I ignored him. I need to get out of here. I need to get away from these people.
I ran into someone. My mind was somewhere else. Papers and books went flying in the air. Laugher rang through the hall.
“What the fuck? Watch where you’re going, fag.”
“I’m….. I’m….”
“What’s the matter? Do you have a crush on me? I guess that straight camp didn’t work. You’re still a fucking faggot.”
I grabbed my bag and ran. Everyone in the halls is laughing and pointing. Everyone is mocking me. They don’t know who I am and what’s happened. Maybe if they did, they wouldn’t be doing this. Not likely though. They would probably torment me even more. I’m weak and they know it. There can be no weakness in high school. When you’re weak, you’re dead.
Out the school front door, across the parking lot, and past the bend I ran. Where am I going to go? I’m afraid to go home because I’m not wanted. I can’t stay in school for fears of being chastised. I can’t run away. I don’t have anything to support myself with. I’m stuck. There is no escape.
“JUSTIN.”
Tucker followed me. If he keeps doing this people are going to start wondering if he is gay, too. He keeps running after me.
“Justin, will you please stop and talk to me.”
“About what? Let’s talk again about how you like me but won’t be with me? No wait, how about you tell me that everything is going to be fine. Guess what, it’s not going to be fine. It can’t be. Nobody understands what happened to me. They think they do. They don’t know the hell I live in.”
Explain it to me. Help me understand.”
“What’s the point? You’re not ready to be out. You see what is happening to me. The people at school don’t even know for sure.”
“But you can’t expect them to understand unless you explain it.”
“Like they will listen! They heard I went to a straight camp and they laughed about it. If I tell them what happened, they would just have ammo to use against me. I would rather die than do that to myself.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth. I have nothing to live for anymore. My family is ashamed of me. People at school are making fun of me. I feel horrible. I’m not wanted by anyone.”
“Yes you are. How can you say that?”
“Ok, fine, let me rephrase that. I’m wanted by some people, but not anyone who is willing to do anything. Nobody is willing to take me, help me, and protect me. That’s what I want. No, that’s what I need right now.”
“I know that, but you know I can’t give you that right now.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m done holding my breath waiting for you to come around. I can’t be helped. I’m pathetic. I’m worthless.”
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’m going to say it anyway. Everything is going to be fine. I know things look bad right now. Stick with it until after finals. You will never have to see these people again. You will be able to do what you want. You can go where ever you want to go. You can get who you want to get. You’re out and free. Now you need to be strong. Don’t let them win. Don’t respond to what anyone says to you. Act like you don’t hear them. They will get bored, and then they will stop. Trust me.”
“And what am I going to do when I get out of school. I’m going to be in the same boat as I’m in right now. I just won’t have to deal with these dicks.”
“What about me?”
“Am I not an option for you?”
“You put yourself in the “not an option” category. You told me that you can’t be with me.”
“Right now, I can’t, my reputation. But after we…”
“Right. Your rep as a cool kid, because that is going to matter when you go on to live your life.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t understand the importance of your rep. Leave me alone, Tucker. You’re not helping me. Go back to what matters to you most. I don’t seem to fit in with that.”
I turned and started walking again. Tucker left himself open and I shut him down. Being cool is too important to him. If he comes out, even after we are out of school, he will lose all of his friends. He won’t be able to handle that. It’s better for him if I’m not in the picture.
“Justin, please wait.” He called after me. I didn’t respond.
I am going to take his advice. I am going to ignore everyone at school. I only have to make it through a couple more days and then I’m free. I can even talk to one of the counselors to see if I can take my finals somewhere away from everyone else.
Where am I going to go right now? I can’t really go home. I’m supposed to be in school. Say I do go home, though. I will have to explain why I’m home. What better time to start telling the truth. I need to prove to myself wrong about my parents. Maybe I’m only seeing what I want to see. Deep down, somewhere in the back of my mind, I want them to still hate me. I need that fear to come true. That fear is all I know. It has shaped my entire life. I will spiral out of control without it. I’m constantly looking for something to go wrong. I have come to expect that turmoil. Without it my world won’t be right. The funny thing is, I talk about having a better life. I dream about it in the hopes that one day it will happen.
Somewhere I heard that we all need to face our problems head on. That’s what I’m going to do. Life can’t be as bad as I think it is. Others seem to be doing just fine at it. There is no reason that I can’t as well. “What if I get shot down?” No, I can’t live the “what if” life anymore. If something is going to happen, then it’s going to. Not everything is going to go the way that I want, and that needs to be ok with me.
Home. In essence that word means a safe place to live. That being the case, what is the word I would use to describe what this place is to me? Shelter, perhaps. I’ve never felt like I belonged. So that was just the place I rested my head at night. I never felt safe. I had to hide and sneak around. That is not the feeling I should get when I call a place my home.
I walked through the front door, to find my mom sitting on the couch watching TV. The sound of the door had alerted her to someone coming in. Her eyes filled with question when she realized I was the one that stole her attention.
“What are you doing home?”
“I couldn’t do it.”
“Couldn’t do what?” empathy coated her words.
“Somehow, everyone found out that I’m gay. They know the reason I was gone this week. They know you sent me to that camp. I don’t know how they found out. It really doesn’t matter now. I could hear everyone whispering whenever I’m around them. I almost got in fight over it.”
“You didn’t, did you?”
“No. I shouldn’t have to. They are only doing this because I’m gay.”
“How can you be sure about that, honey?”
“Because they never called me fag before. They never even talked to me before.”
“You teenagers. You like someone one minute, then turn around and make fun of them the next.”
“Why can’t you have my back this one time? You don’t really care about me anymore, do you?”
No response. I ask if my own mother cares about me, and all I get is silence. I wished, I hoped, hell, I was even praying that I was wrong. The truth really does hurt. I can’t stay here anymore. I don’t know where to go. I have no clue how I’m going to survive. I can’t live with my parents anymore. I was hurt when they sent me away. I came back in pieces. My mom just shattered what was left of me. My self esteem has been ripped apart. All that is left is an empty shell. I don’t feel anything.
Without another word, I turned and went to my room. I need to grab only the things that I need. What does someone take with them when they have no place to go? Clothes are a given. The question is what else. I have one bag, maybe two. I don’t want to over burden myself. Paper and pens, they are going to help keep my mind on track. I can write what I am going through and what is on my mind. This is not going to be easy. But I would rather have no place to call home, than to have one where I’m not cared for.
For the last time, I look around the room. Nothing good ever happened here. I don’t think I’m going to miss it. The only reason I’m going to miss this house, is Keith. No matter what, he put a smile on my face. He will be the only reason I visit this house again. I don’t want to abandon him. That’s what it feels like I’m doing. He’s going to grow up the way our dad and mom want him to. They are going to teach him that I was horrible for choosing to live my life this way. I just hope he always remembers that I love him.
? This is truely a wonderful story of love, pain, terror, fear, and revelations. Soon we will see how everything pans out and i can't wait to see how Justin reacts when Tucker finally admits that his life is more important then being popular.
But shame on the parents and other family members for sticking their children in to "Pray away the gay" or "Ex-gay" camps.
