A Very Complicated Situation, What Do I Do???

[NSX577]

So I have a complicated situation that I am looking for advise on. This is a little bit of a long story but please bear in there.

So I dated this girl for 8 years. Over that time we became best friends. We did everything together, we told each other everything, etc. You pretty much get the picture. We ended up breaking up about a year ago but right before we ended up breaking up, we purchased a home together. In retrospect, probably not the greatest idea but I digress.

Since then we have both moved on to other relationships. I have been in a relationship for almost four months and she has bounced around from old friends but nothing serious until now. As of about six months ago, she has started to see my ex best friend. Long story short, we were best friends and then I realized I was being taken advantage of. It was not a financial taking advantage of, but more so a "I did everything" sort of friendship. I had invited him to events, like my birthday parties, we would wait for hours, and then he would not show. We lived down the street, he would never visit, it would have to be me, if he ever needed anything I would be there but not vise versa. Anyway, I introduced him to my ex-girlfriend a number of years ago and then poof, now they are kinda seeing eachother. The funny part is that after I broke up with my ex this "friend" said that I was a sucker because I own the house and let her live there. Then he proceed to call my ex a number of names that I feel should not be repeated. I defended her, and after the conversation he just gave me attitude. Shortly after this we stopped talking, because I saw the "light" of his true ways.

Now the problem I feel here is that he feels it is okay to hookup with my ex-girlfriend without even approaching me on the issue. I mean, we do not have to be friends, but I think a common courtesy would be in order. Maybe I am just different, but I could never imagine doing something like this. Furthermore, I feel that he might be doing this to be a bit vindictive but my ex will not hear it. Now as a result of our disagreements on these issues, my ex and I are fighting all the time because I feel like she is choosing this douche over our friendship. He consistantly gets her hopes up and then disappears. He will not even come to see her for crying out loud. To make matters worse we live together so a fight really almost never ends and I am afraid to loose my good friend. I know many are going to say I am still in love with my ex, but that could not be further from the truth. Although I still love her, I am no longer in love with her because I understand that we can no longer be together and can only remain as friends but I am finding this very difficult. So my question to you gus is what should I do in this situation? I have already come up with a few ideas but I would like to hear other views.

Just for reference, there are a few issues that do not allow the obvious solutions.

- The property that I purchased has since lost about 10% of value plus I would need to put in about another 10% to get the property up to selling potential. So a huge financial loss would be taken to say the least.

- I can not short sale the property because then I can not purchase another property for 3 years. I do not feel it is fair to rent something and move out to pay for two properties, etc.

- The property is only in my name so any damage would only be done to my credit.

What are your thoughts??? I need a viable solution because if I do not reach one soon, I think I might die from the stress. Please help.

 

[fetaby]

You need to let their problems be their problems. She can be your friend all day long but she needs to live elsewhere.

Enjoy your home!

 

[Greendragon]

- one of you needs to move out and rent a place. Then, the other one can take a tenant into your own home. With the rent from the tenant, it might not cost you any more to live apart, and living together is not a good idea.

- ignore the other guy, if he acts this way he's not worth worrying about

- tell your friend the unpleasant things he said about her, and then don't talk about him again. Let her know you are leaving her to make her own decisions. If he's as bad as you say he will hurt her too and then you can be there to pick up the pieces if you need to.

 

[Horschallen]

Talk to an attorney.

 

[loveitacceptit]

i completely agree with the people who say you need to ask your ex to move out. if the property is solely in your name, then you should be able to live in it peacefully. plus, while i believe you when you say you're not in love with her anymore, living with someone you used to date is in no way conducive to starting a new life without that person. it'd be beneficial to you both to get out of each other's company for at least a little bit in order to get some perspective on your new lives as single people.

your ex probably won't see it that way, so asking her to move out probably won't go over too well. however, like Greendragon said, if this guy is really the jerk he seems to be, she'll realize that in time and hopefully you two can work things out once they separate. until then, though, you need to pull back from the people causing you pain, at least for the time being. good luck.

 

[NSX577]

i completely agree with the people who say you need to ask your ex to move out. if the property is solely in your name, then you should be able to live in it peacefully. plus, while i believe you when you say you're not in love with her anymore, living with someone you used to date is in no way conducive to starting a new life without that person. it'd be beneficial to you both to get out of each other's company for at least a little bit in order to get some perspective on your new lives as single people.

your ex probably won't see it that way, so asking her to move out probably won't go over too well. however, like Greendragon said, if this guy is really the jerk he seems to be, she'll realize that in time and hopefully you two can work things out once they separate. until then, though, you need to pull back from the people causing you pain, at least for the time being. good luck.

Thank you for the information everyone. The only problem I have is getting her to move out is near impossible because her credit stinks and so does her parents, so unless I co-sign a lease for her, I can't think of another way to get her out. When I say I got screwed, I really got screwed!

 

[dhchitown1984]

True, NSX, she may have bad credit, she may need a cosigner, her parents may have bad credit too. However, the most important words in that last sentence I wrote are "SHE and HER" not "YOU."

It's unfortunate, and I'm not trying to be unsympathetic, but you need to be happy in your own life, in the home that you solely own.

I think the best way to be cordial about it is to give her 90 days. Let her know whats up and how you feel, and giving her time to get out is the nicest thing you can do. She may need time to get her affairs in order, she may need time to save up a security deposit, and that way you can be OK with her departure with your own feelings - you're not giving her 7 days to find somewhere else to live.

However, you have to stick to the 90 days. When you start looking for the roommate, tell her you're putting an ad on craigslist, show her the ad. It needs to be very real. Go to the grocery store and pick up one of those free apartment rental guides. Be firm. You've broken up... you need to move forward and keep living your own life, and you deserve to make it a positive experience for yourself. You can't let her problems become your problems, you don't owe yourself that added burden.

 

[Seasoned]

I am going to welcome you and tell you that I'm glad you are here. This thread more properly belongs in hot topics, but I'm going to leave it here because this is a no flame forum and I think that placed elsewhere you'd get some harsh responses.

Are you familiar with co-dependency because your post screams it. It's very debilitating and affects all areas of your life. The reason I write this is because, in my opinion, you give too much and have undiscussed expectations. Read up on the topic and see if any of it fits. There are self-help books and Al-anon meetings if there are or have been alcoholics in your life.

I'd say you would benefit with stronger personal boundaries and by not giving to the point of resentment.

Good luck with the house situation.

 

[rjmrjm21]

I'd tell her to get out. That would be the end of that. Unless you're still holding out hope. In my book, it's over. She needs to move on.

 

[shainski]

Now the problem I feel here is that he feels it is okay to hookup with my ex-girlfriend without even approaching me on the issue. I mean, we do not have to be friends, but I think a common courtesy would be in order. Maybe I am just different, but I could never imagine doing something like this. Furthermore, I feel that he might be doing this to be a bit vindictive but my ex will not hear it.

I think you need to let go of what you ex-friend does or does not do. Whether appropriate or not, it isn't productive to worry about. He doesn't need your permission to hookup with you ex-girlfriend - and it will only negatively affect your relationship with her.

Also, stay out of their relationship. Unless what he is doing is physically harmful, stay out of it. He sounds like a jerk - and she will come to realize that. Not all of us want to be saved from our bad decisions. let her make her own mistakes.

That seems to be the problem with your relationship with her. In her position, i would probably feel that anything negative you had to say had ulterior motives.