AaronG - Archived Blog Posts

[AaronG]

Sooo... I was on the phone with my older sister in Cali today, and she mentioned something about my little brother that got me thinking. Evidently, he's planning to attend a seminary out there in the fall. Now, I've known for years that he wants to be a pastor, but the surprise is that evidently he's not planning on attending the seminary where my dad teaches, as he had planned, once his wife is done with school. Sis and I both agreed that part of the reason was so that he could grow and explore in an environment free from my dad's influence. My dad and brother have had some disagreements about church ideas, and while their relationship is still good, it might be hard for him if he were expected to toe the party line with Pops looking over his shoulder.

All of this got me thinking about my own relationship with my dad. We get along great and talk a lot, but a combination of two factors gives me difficulty: first, that I love and respect him so much that I would never think of contradicting him (usually, we think so much alike that this isn't an issue); and second, that he disapproves of my being gay. We don't talk about it much anymore, but I know from old conversations that while he still loves me, he would never embrace it if I got a boyfriend or partner (so far, this has never come to a head, owing to my perpetual singleness and near-complete closetedness).

In a way, his views are emblematic of where I've come from - a conservative religious upbringing (Missouri Synod Lutheran for anyone familiar) where the answer to homosexuality was a life of celibacy - no "God hates fags" bullshit, but no pink triangles either. My views have shifted a lot recently, to the point where I'm having considering leaving for a more welcoming church. For me, this conjures up feelings of guilt and betrayal - toward my church, but also toward my father.

So the news about my brother was a breath of fresh air. His action probably has a little rebellion to it, but my sister and I agreed that this isn't necessarily a bad thing - that he needs to be free from Dad's sphere of influence in order to really find what he believes. And lo and behold, I'm starting to think that the same might be true for me, the least-rebellious person you can imagine.

Could it actually be the case that it's okay for me to try and find a path that I think is right, regardless of what family or church says? For a lot of people, this is a no-brainer, but for me it's been a real gut-churner. But at least for tonight, I'm starting to feel like there's a real possibility of saying, "yes," and not feeling guilty about it.

 

[AaronG]

It's hard to describe what this song means to me. I guess the imagery just resonates strongly for me, so I'll let it speak for itself. "Hallelujah," by Leonard Cohen

EDIT: If it's a freakin song, a performance is better than lyrics, no? So here's Sara Gazarek and her band. She's a sweetie.

 

[AaronG]

Just how often on JUB do you get a paean to boobs? Not often enough, that's for sure! Well, they've been on my mind this evening, and I thought I'd share my thoughts.

I think boobs are really cool. Not in a sexual way, seeing as I'm into guys only, but more in a curiosity way. Lately, I've actually been finding myself mentally undressing women (mostly in photos, not real life), to imagine what their liberated boobs would look like. And while I'm not turned on, I'm captivated.

Once upon a totally repressed time, I had a girlfriend, and I got acquainted with her boobs. And it was a good thing. I mean, they're just right there, practically screaming, "Pay attention to us! Feel us up! We ditched the bra, so go for it!" I guess part of the appeal is the pleasure of giving someone else pleasure, but it's also that they just feel like they're made for play.

This really isn't going anywhere, but boobs have put a smile on my face this evening, so I thought I'd share. All you lovely JUB ladies, you're lucky.

 

[AaronG]

I just had a blast this weekend at my second wedding this month. I stood up at this one, which made it even cooler for a number of reasons. First, it was all touching that my roomie from school and his sweetheart are still going strong. Second, we got to hang out Friday. Third, after the ceremony, the bridal party got an amazing pre-party while driving around in this huge limo to take pictures all over town. Seven bottles of champagne later, we were ready to rock the reception. I didn't have to give a toast (whew!), but my friends, the open bar and I all rocked out with our bad karaoke selves ("You are... my FIIIRE, the one... DESIIIRE...").

Recently, I've been developing a teensy bit of wedding envy - not the flowers and all that, but wanting to be married, or at least secure in a relationship. After the party, I cuddled up with my best girl-friend (we roomed together), which was good, but I couldn't help thinking, "I really wish I was laying here with my man after OUR wedding." Still, that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a good party with old friends.

 

[AaronG]

My (sort-of) friend went to an astrologer the other day, and while he was there, he had her do a quick reading of my chart (whatever that means). And pretty much all he had to report was, "She says you'll have a rough time for a few months."

Like I needed someone to tell me that! I'm moving in a few weeks, leaving two awesome roommates who I've known for a while but had barely moved in with. I'm moving for work, resuming a former job that's not as cool as the one I'm leaving (I was only brought in for a year). I'll be living alone again, which I'm kinda sick of.

But you know what? Fuck the stars!

I was already apprehensive about my move, wondering if I'd made the right decision, but now, I'm determined to have a good time to prove the stars wrong. I'm not that good at meeting new people and forging friendships, but I'm gonna make sure it happens now. I refuse to let anyone tell me that my life is gonna suck.

So there.

(also, the lady said my friend probably has a rough time with Sagittarians - like his parents, and me - which explains a lot.)

 

[AaronG]

I don't know, really.

I've been teetering on the edge of being completely out (meaning that all my friends/family would know, and I wouldn't conceal it from anyone else who cares to find out.) For several years I've had one foot out, but I'm stalled. My parents and several friends know, but no one has found out in a couple years.

How come? I think I'm cool with myself. And I think I don't care what other people think. And I think I'm ready for family members to judge me and friends to leave me, if it comes to that. And I think I'm ready to find a church where I could be out and proud.

So what's holding me back? Once again, Soilwork (who I admire, even though we're complete opposites) has gotten me thinking about it:

I'm not offended by people who aren't out because they haven't accepted being gay yet.

Is that me? Maybe I haven't really accepted being gay. Have I really accepted that I'm normal, and not screwed up? That God's not going to judge me for stepping outside the box I grew up in? That even if my parents never invite my (future hypothetical) boyfriend over, I can deal with it?

Maybe I haven't fully accepted all that.

Or maybe, deep down, I am ready.


(must... have... beer...)

 

[AaronG]

So I guess this coming out thing is for real.

I filled in another friend last night (over Ruby Slipper martinis - appropriate, yes?). That makes two here in Louisville. I feel like a few more is all it will take before it's common knowledge and out of my hands.

 

[AaronG]

I changed my "out status" in my profile today, because it's evidently common knowledge all of a sudden

So I'm out to two friends at work. I decided a few weeks ago that I was ready to come out to all my friends, but it was slow going. Anyway, both coworkers told me today that several mutual friends seem to know already. They said that the other people heard from a friend who used to live here (a queer Canadian girl, in fact), who I came out to a couple years ago.

It was kind of weird knowing that someone had spilled the beans before I gave the okay, but I'm confident it wasn't idle gossip or anything like that - I'm guessing they just asked and she told them. I'm actually happy that now I don't have to work up the nerve to tell everyone. We all agreed today that this pretty much means that I'm out, and that anyone else who's interested to know will find out on their own.

 

[AaronG]

Last fall I was just inching my way out of the closet.

Fast forward a year. Today is the one-year anniversary of me asking out my super-amazing boyfriend (our actual first-date anniversary is Saturday).

Here's the short version:
We met at work. He was out already, and I came out soon after we met. I kinda developed a crush on him, so I asked him out, and we started dating. Everything was new for me, but he was always really patient and understanding, and held my hand through that period of adjustment (except when I need a little push in the right direction, then he was a bit more insistent). He moved to AZ at the end of the summer, so we're long-distance now, but still going strong at the one-year mark.

I get to see him on Monday And we're going to my parents' house Wish us luck

 

[AaronG]

Super short post to mark my two year anniversary with my long distance bf. I just spent Christmas with his family, and it really felt great.

The distance is a strain, but we still don't have a plan to be together again for good, so for now it's still monthly visits, with occasional longer chunks of time.

We love each other, and it is what it is, for now.

 

[AaronG]

My bf and I broke up today. Over the phone, because we live 1700 miles apart. And the distance was mostly what did us in.

It was mutual and amicable, and we're still friends (and I'll actually see him on Friday - go figure), but I feel a little numb right now.