About becoming very close friends with heterosexuals

[Sammael]

I've had a few very close heterosexual friends in the past and still do but now I feel like I can't be very close friends with a heterosexual. When I like and care for someone a lot and share interests and have fun time, I feel like the next thing should be sex. I mean if I like someone, I want to show it physically, I want to give him pleasure and make him happy while making myself happy at the same time. That's not possible not just because they're probably heterosexual but also because I'm still in the closet.

For example a friend and I have been getting closer and spending lots of time togather in the last few months. He insists that I stay with him for a night when his parents aren't at home but I refuse. I know he is very likely heterosexual(he has a girlfriend) and if I get any closer, sooner or later I will feel like we can't get further. I mean since I'm refusing to spend the night at his place, he probably feels like our friendship is good but it's not going further. However if I stay there and our friendship gets deeper and emotional, I will feel like our friendship isn't going further while he think's we're already at the highest point. That's why I just try to remain a bit casual even with my closest friends so I don't end up wanting more when it gets deep and thus I avoid suffering. But the problem is I still couldn't meet with someone online(I can't find a boyfriend offline because even if I wasn't in the closet, everyone else is in the closet in Turkey) who I can relate to as much as I relate to my friends and share hobbies and probably I won't find for a long time since I'm not capable of showing who I am or understanding who they are on the first dates.

All kinds of thought sharing is very much appreciated

 

[thisisinteresting]

I'm sorry for your situation of not being able to come out of the closet where you live, but you have very skewed ideas of "friendships." A mere "friendship," no matter how close, does not end in sex. That is more than a friendship. Maybe you could find some sort of buddy to have sex with online who is in the same situation? I'm not sure what to tell you other than don't expect to have sex with every person you get close to. That's unreasonable and very likely NOT what they are looking for in your friendship.

 

[Corny]

your problem is that you seem to have a different definition of friendship than most people.

while friends CAN become lovers, that doesn't mean that every good friendship has to end like that ..but in your case I have the suspicion that due to you not being outed, and therefore lacking any kind of boyfriend or just a sexual relationship, you try to look for sex elsewhere - among your friends

 

[saymyname]

Why can't you come out in Turkey? Would your family disown you?

 

[spencer]

don't make friends with people on the basis of attractiveness.

in short, the next guy you befriend should be ugly. You won't have any problems wanting sex from him. my guess, you won't want to be his friend if you weren't attracted to him in the first place.

 

[slnattak]

Your issue seems to be you being in the closet. It has nothing to do with heterosexuals and everything to do with you not having the personal balls to come out.

It won't really get better for you unless you're able to find some way to come out. You will continue to just have unrequited angsty crushes on straight men cause you don't know any gay men.

So instead of blaming straight men (Or yourself) - take responsibility for your own life and find some way to come out -- to other gay men. It's not coming out of the closet, it's going into yourself.

Think about things realistically. Straight people don't have to know your gay. But other gay people should know you are gay, so you can find love.

Oh, that's big isn't it?

 

[SonOfSlobone]

This is always a difficult problem, not just in Turkey. Being attracted to a straight friend is very common and can be quite painful.

Frankly, I think you're doing the right thing by not spending the night with him if you think it would be difficult for you.

The only thing I can suggest, if you trust him enough, is to come out just to him, not to anybody else for now. Then at least there won't be any misunderstandings between you, and it will be good for you to have somebody you can talk to.

 

[slnattak]

Being attracted to straight friends goes away (or at least gets better) if you go to a gay area though and can possibly meet a potential single man. (Or it won't) But you don't know until you give it a shot.

I wish I could come out for you but that is impossible?

We can all relate to you cause we've all been there, some of us are still in there- so really any advice a guy gives you here is advice he can take himself, meaning you are your own guidance partner yourself and so therefore, trust your gut and come out in ways yourself, and then other gay men will be more appealing to you because you've learned to be more appealing to you.

 

[AlmondMilk]

so if you became close friends with a girl, would you feel like you need to have sex to take it further?

you can be very close friends with someone and reach a whole new plateau, but don't feel pressured to date someone to reach that plateau. Just because you don't have sex with your friends doesn't mean that you don't care for them. Caring and loving someone as a friend should not be mixed with sex.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

so if you became close friends with a girl, would you feel like you need to have sex to take it further?

you can be very close friends with someone and reach a whole new plateau, but don't feel pressured to date someone to reach that plateau. Just because you don't have sex with your friends doesn't mean that you don't care for them. Caring and loving someone as a friend should not be mixed with sex.

Well, a girl might very well misunderstand your intentions if you spend a lot of time with her and she doesn't know you're gay.

And to reach the kind of (non-sexual) intimacy that you're talking about -- which is a wonderful thing -- I think you eventually have to come out. Otherwise, when your straight friend finally figures out that you're gay, he could feel really betrayed.