-6-
“Joseph!” the shrill voice echoed through the office.
“Is that-“
“Yep,” Mike said behind the computer screen across from me.
“I wonder what she wants.”
“Only one way to find out.”
“She’s in such a bad mood, though,” I groaned as I pushed myself away from my desk. “I hope she doesn’t fire me.”
“You’ve been a blessing to the design team since you got here,” he peered to the side of the wide screen. “She’s not going to fire you.”
“I hope not,” I swallowed hard and forced a laugh. “I really need this job.”
“She’s not going to fire you,” his voice became monotonous. “But if you keep dawdling, she might consider it.”
My cheeks flushed as I practically dragged my feet into her office. Behind the wide, glass desk sat my boss, Elizabeth. She had her hair in a high bun that was flawlessly wrapped around itself. She had a tight, white shirt on and a black pencil skirt with stockings under it that led to the tallest and shiniest black heels I’d ever seen. I sat in one of the black, leather chairs in front of her desk and watched her fixated on a screen while her fingers violently scrolled on the mouse.
“How’s your time here been so far, Joseph?”
“Good,” I shot like a bullet. “It’s been good.”
“Good.”
Her eyes hadn’t moved from the screen. She crossed her legs and adjusted her weight in the chair while doing whatever she was on the screen.
“Made any friends?”
“Um,” I started, not sure why she had a concern with my social life. “Yeah…some of the girls in the office and I went for drinks the other night.”
“Good,” she clicked the mouse once. “Good.”
She snapped herself so her glance was fixed on me. Elizabeth had a pair of wide frame, bright, red glasses on today with the lipstick to match.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were dating someone?”
“Excuse me?” I swear my stomach jumped into my throat.
“Rumor has it you have a new beau,” she put a pen in the corner of her mouth. “A new, quite attractive, former slash part time model beau.”
“I wouldn’t say he’s a part time model…”
She pulled a magazine from somewhere under her desk and slapped it in front of me. On the cover was Elliot, shirtless, flexing his muscles. My first instinct was to blush at his sexiness, but then I remembered where I was and how he failed to mention this.
“This came out yesterday.”
“Hm,” I rubbed the back of my head. "He didn't tell me about that."
“It is true!” she beamed with excitement. “The rumors aren’t rumors.”
“How’d you find out, Elizabeth?”
She smiled at me as if she had her dessert and was eating it, too.
“Stephanie.”
“I didn’t think Steph would say anything.”
“It took insinuating I’d fire her for subordination, but she eventually cracked,” she gave me a devilish grin. “She told me that you and Elliot Reynolds are a couple.”
“I mean, you could say we’re dating,” I felt sweat running down the back of my neck. “We haven’t really discussed it officially, Elizabeth.”
It was barely over a month since I first ran into Elliot and while we were spending more time with each other and texting almost constantly, we hadn’t talked about what we were. We were still getting to know each other and figure out how to make this work, which was great. He was opening about his family and his childhood and I even began telling him about my super Christian parents—something I didn’t like to get into with anyone. The two of us were still in the beginning of whatever it is we were doing, but we liked it that way. It was exciting and fun and I was okay with there not being a title for us.
“I need you to get him to attend an event the company is hosting,” she coolly said.
I didn’t want to rock the boat for Elizabeth. I needed this job more than she could possibly know, but I didn’t know if I was willing to potentially mess things up with Elliot to keep it. Which sounds stupid coming from someone so young who only knows the guy for five weeks, but I must say that there’s something about him that just…I don’t know. The way he makes me feel when he texts me good morning or calls me when he’s on the ferry to Connecticut to see his son--it’s just nice. It’s nice having someone who seems to make time for me when his own life is a whirlwind. It’s nice feeling like I’m important to him, even though we’re still so new to each other. As much as I needed the job, I also felt I needed Elliot.
“Elizabeth…I, uh-,” I swallowed hard and began rubbing my hands against my thighs. “Elizabeth, I don’t know if I can do this for you.”
She stared right through me and a shiver coursed through my spine.
“It’s just this is still new and I don’t want him to think I’m using him for something.”
“It wouldn’t be seen that way if the two of you came to the Gala together.”
“What?” I nearly choked. “I can’t do that!”
“And why not?” she slowly lowered her glasses off her nose and batted her fake lashes. “You’d get to attend a Gala with some of the most influential, young entrepreneurs in the city.”
I sat in the chair like a deer in headlights.
“It wouldn’t be forgotten if you brought your boy toy to the first annual event this company is launching,” she said matter-of-factly while she turned the screen to me. “He just passed a million followers on Instagram today and a little birdie told me that he’s being featured in Business Insider’s most eligible bachelors.”
I felt all the blood leave my face
“Someone like him attending this event for our company would be just so good, Joseph.”
She returned her attention to her computer as if I wasn’t in the room anymore. Clicks filled the silence while I just sat, dumb founded at the fact that this was something I had to figure out.
“Just think about it,” she spoke while fixated on the screen once again. “It could be a good way to lock down that beautiful man of yours.”
“I will,” I squeaked out.
I slowly got out of the chair and walked to the door. I lingered against the door frame thinking about the proposition.
“Will I get fired if I don’t do this?”
“Joseph,” she sternly said.
I gulped, “Yes?”
“You’re proving to be an invaluable part of this team.”
It felt as if a hundred pounds evaporated off my chest.
“I hope you end up bringing Elliot to the Gala, but you have nothing to worry about if he can’t make it.”
I nodded before spinning on my heels.
“By the way, Joseph,” her tone softened. “You two make a gorgeous couple and would look absolutely stunning in some tuxes next weekend.”
Her lighter demeanor helped with the severe panic I was feeling. On my way back to my desk I stopped by the water cooler to grab a cup of water to further calm myself. I wanted to think she was serious when she secured that my job wasn’t on the line with this, but I couldn’t shake the feeling entirely that I needed to do this for her to stay employed. It was also insane that this was the life I was living. I sat back at my cubicle and while the screen still had a project I was working on brightly staring at me, I couldn’t get the thoughts about how this was my life. A few months back I was still in college, still that gay, Christian kid that came from the mountains, but now I was dating a model and getting invited to galas. It never was a blip on my radar all the nights I laid awake in bed, mind racing about anything and everything.
“Are you okay?”
Mike snapped me out of my daze.
“Um,” I shuffled papers on my desk to act like I was busy. “Yeah. No,” I sighed. “Maybe.”
“Dude,” he laughed, “breathe.”
“Yeah, I know,” I took a deep breath. “I have to relax.”
As the words left my mouth, I thought of Elliot and the smile he has on his face when he tells me to relax. Oddly enough, that alone was all I needed to calm myself down. Just thinking about him helped.
“Yeah,” I got back to my work. “I’m good.”
I pulled up the messaging app on my computer and got Elliot’s text open.
What time do you get back today?
The bubble with three dots immediately appeared.
Why? Is everything okay?
Yeah, just have to ask you something.
What kind of something 
I smirked to myself, thinking about how the last week while he was in Connecticut we’ve sexted for almost the entire time.
Um…something business related.
What kind of business?
Like I need a favor from you for work business lol
Do I get a favor back?
I’ll do whatever you want if you do this for me.
And then the bubble appeared again and disappeared. I figured he got busy with whatever he was doing so I actually got back to work. I began playing with a design for an upcoming article for our online magazine. I had it mostly figured out, but wasn’t completely impressed with the layout of it. I love my job, I really do, but sometimes it’s frustrating. Elizabeth won’t exactly give clear instructions because of her “vision.” She’ll just say she had an idea in the middle of the night that involved flowers or BoHo vibes and she just expects people to run with it and figure out exactly what she wants. It’s a lot of trial and error and this project was pushing me to my limits.
Can you come over tomorrow? I’m working a shift.
I miss you.
As soon as the blue bubble had delivered under it, I regretted sending it. Was it too soon to tell him I missed him? We spent the last five days texting each other all the things we’d want to do to each other, sending photos of ourselves to one another, but this felt different. This was me admitting to him that I had feelings for him in a way that when he wasn’t around, I missed him. That I like being around him so much that after five short days of not having a guy I’m dating I miss him being here.
I miss you, too, Joseph.
I’d love to see you tonight, but I’ve got to do this shift. My partner swapped weeks off so I could do this for Michelle and I owe him.
There was a bubble with three dots but it disappeared. I began typing a response when I saw it again.
I’ll make it up to you tomorrow. We’ll spend the weekend together doing whatever you want. Promise
By this point I had to be as red as a stop sign. I looked around the office to see if anyone had noticed me sitting like a giddy school girl before I began typing a response.
Can we have a movie night tomorrow?
Haha! Yes, we can
I expect snacks.
Of course! I’ll even get beer or whatever you want.
Beer and pizza sounds amazing actually.
Sold.
A picture message came through of him in his uniform. He had the zipper open and a pair of bright yellow briefs hugging an erection.
I’ll try my best to keep my hands off you tomorrow during our movie date (;
Maybe I’m okay with excessive force, Officer.
That was evident last time, you little bitch
Name play… oddly hot…lol
Ilmao
I gotta go before someone sees me in the break room with these briefs out and a huge erection.
Okay, talk to you later, Officer Reynolds.
I tried my best to keep it professional while at work, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t lightly stroking myself through my slacks under my desk.
* * *
When I got back to the apartment, Lauren was already changed out of her work clothes with a container of Chinese food in her lap, watching some reality show. I crossed her path despite her protests and plopped in the chair across from the couch. I just stared at her until she gathered I had something on my mind and with a mouthful of lo mein, she turned the TV off.
“Elliot still models.”
“I mean,” she swallowed, “he is gorgeous.”
“That’s not the point,” I laughed.
“Just so you know,” she pointed her chopsticks at me, “anything that comes out of your mouth is going to be considered incredibly first world. You have a model boyfriend--a rich, Instagram famous, model boyfriend.”
“I know,” I groaned and threw my head back.
“Please, go on.”
“He didn’t tell me he still modeled.”
“You are aware we looked at all the dates of his posts on Instagram and some of them were within the last year.”
“Yeah, but they could have been throwbacks.”
“Well,” she smirked, “now we know they weren’t throwbacks.”
We both shared a hearty laugh.
“It’s crazy, isn’t it?”
“Oh, completely.”
I relaxed in the chair. Thinking back to when he helped me move in the couch, I never would have thought he was this multifaceted of a man. I had no idea what I would be getting into when he offered his assistance that day. Or even when we went to dinner. It’s truly crazy how somebody can shake your world up entirely in such a small amount of time. And while it scared me at times, I was glad he shook up my snow globe of a life.
“Small town Brokeback Mountain over here gets a beautiful model who also happens to be a police officer while I get the gross PE teacher at school hitting on me.”
“He is bisexual and you had just as equal of a playing field as me.”
She threw a pillow at me with surprising speed.
“Don’t be rude, Joseph!”
I was hysterical laughing.
* * *
The next day, I practically sprung out of bed when my alarm went off at 8 in the morning. I was feeling so good that I laced up my sneakers, got into my cold gear, and went for a run. I couldn’t help it, so I passed by Elliot’s place and saw a light on in one of the third-floor windows. I smiled to myself knowing he was in his bedroom and that I’d get to spend the night with him after a week of not seeing him. I quickened my pace as I went by to get home quicker.
I hopped in the shower and scrubbed every inch of my body. I even went over myself a second time with the body wash to have the scent linger for when I see him. I gave my torso a quick shave as well as my balls before sliding the razor to my backside. I didn’t grow much hair there, but I wanted to play it safe.
Once I was done doing my bathroom ritual, I headed to my closet in just a towel. I dropped it once the door closed and grabbed a pair of red briefs that had gotten too small for me. They found themselves between my ass as I pulled them to my waist. It’d have to get used to the constant wedgie, but I wanted to have something nice on when Elliot eventually took my pants off. It was forward thinking, but I had a feeling the night would end up in a sexual position. Something I was looking forward to and began getting hard at the thought. I tucked my dick under my balls, slid on a pair of ripped jeans, and grabbed a long sleeve. It was a solid color, but it fit me well and I felt confident wearing it. I slipped a pair of shoes on, grabbed my wallet and keys, and practically ran out of the apartment.
The weather had changed and the leaves were every color but green. There was a crisp breeze that blew the fallen, dried leaves around that created the indistinct sound of autumn. I smiled the entire walk to his place just admiring all the colors and the coolness in the air. It reminded me of being home a little, just not as beautiful as when the mountain range changes from a forest of green, to a warm blend of red and yellow. I missed home during these months and was slightly saddened I wasn’t there, but when I climbed the steps of Elliot’s it was worth it. I rang the bell and waited, shivering at a strong wind that got trapped on his stoop.
“Where is your coat?”
He was in a towel and his pecs looked massive.
“Are you working out more?”
“Yeah,” he pulled me into the vestibule and I brushed up against him, “but where is your coat?”
“I didn’t think I needed one.”
He pushed me into the main part of the house and I was met with the warmth and scent of a fire. I also could smell the body wash he used, so I grabbed him in a hug, resting my head on his chest so I could just inhale him. I felt the mound of muscle twinge bump my head up and down.
“How much more are you working out?”
“A few hours a week,” he wrapped his arms around me. “Just trying to stay in shape.”
“It has nothing to do with modeling?”
He kissed the top of my head and I felt him laughing more than I heard.
“Perhaps it does.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about it?”
“I didn’t know I needed to,” we were still hugging each other, which made addressing this harder. “Are you upset I didn’t?”
“No,” I sighed against his skin.
“Then what is it?”
“Let’s get you dressed first.”
I pushed against him and was surprised when my hands felt abs against their palms.
“Seriously,” I eyed him. “You have a six pack now?”
He ran his own hands up and down his torso, “It’s not quite a six pack.”
He patted his stomach and smiled at me.
“I didn’t think it was possible for you to get any hotter.”
“And?” he asked from behind me as I climbed the wooden steps.
“I was wrong.”
I had a feeling he was smiling behind me. I heard his footsteps shortly behind mine. We made it to his bedroom and I took a seat on his bed while he went into the closet. I saw him throw the towel out of the door and heard a few drawers open and close. He returned in jeans that sat low on his waist and hugged his thighs and outlined his wide calves. His shirt struggled to cover his bigger chest and was stretched to its limit as it hugged his biceps. When he moved in just the right way, I could see the outline of the abs he was developing.
“Like that’s a fair outfit to wear after not seeing you for a week.”
He flexed for me and my dick instantly became hard, “And yours isn’t, Joseph.”
He crossed the room and laid on his bed. I turned my body so I was sitting with my leg in a triangle, facing him.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
His hand found its way to my thigh and it slowly went towards my engorged crotch, which my tight jeans did nothing but accentuate.
“Sure,” he smirked just as his fingertips made contact. “It’s going to be a long day if you’re already hard at,” he brought his wrist in front of his face, “10:15 in the morning.”
“I, uh…missed you,” I brought my head down to his and gave him a passionate kiss, savoring his taste. “That photo from yesterday may have gotten me hard in the office.”
He kissed me back, biting my lower lip, “That was the point.”
“Do you always wear such scandalous underwear to work?”
“No,” he rolled on his back. “But I knew you’d appreciate it.”
I was feeling daring, “So…any chance you have any of those thongs from your modeling days?”
His face turned bright red, the first time I saw him do it.
“Elliot Reynolds blushes?” I shouted and grabbed onto him. “Now I’ve seen it all.”
He brought his hands to his face, “I forgot I still had those up.”
All I could do was smile at him, trying my best not to laugh.
He turned to look at me, “Would that be something you’d like me to wear?”
“Perhaps,” I lightly kissed his lips.
“Well, perhaps I still have them,” he kissed me back. “And perhaps I wear them when not at work.”
My dick pulsed in my jeans against his leg. He looked down, I looked down, and then our eyes locked.
He smirked, “I guess you would like to see that.”
“Perhaps,” it was my turn to turn red.
“Only if I get to see you in something similar.”
He held me tight against him and despite being hard and talking about skimpy underwear buried between his globe of an ass, absorbing his scent throughout the day—this was what I missed most. He made me feel safe and warm and like the outside world wasn’t around us. I just liked being in his embrace, feeling his strength.
“I promise I won’t look as good as you.”
“That’s because you’d look better,” he kissed the tip of my nose. “And don’t you dare say you won’t. I’ve seen you naked and had my face in your ass.”
I laughed at the awkwardness, “Oh my, God.”
I felt him smile as he buried his face into my neck, “I really did miss you, Joseph.”
He became sincere. There was a softness to his voice, almost an innocence you could say. The shift from sexualized conversation to soft, kind, truths was another thing I enjoyed about Elliot. I won’t lie—the sexual aspect of him is great, especially since he looks like a blend of Scott Eastwood and David Beckham. But the times when he was honest and kind were just as important to me. It showed me he was more than just a beautiful face and an amazing body.
“I missed you, too.”
“I told Michelle I have a boyfriend.”
My heart skipped a beat and it felt like I needed to throw up. It was the first time that word was used and it was the beginning of a monogamous relationship. It was an official title that we now had that told everyone that we were exclusively together.
“Boyfriend?”
“I would like you to be my boyfriend,” he said quietly, his head still in the crook of my neck. “If you want to be my boyfriend, that is.”
I remained silent, just smiling to myself.
“If not, that’s fine, too. I’ll just submerge myself in embarrassment and self-loath.”
“I like that you’re the one who’s awkward,” he could hear the joy in my voice.
“Don’t get used to it.”
He pushed himself away and got to his feet. He looked at me smiling and just shook his head in defeat.
“But what do you say?” he grabbed my hand and got me on my feet. “Would you want to give me a go as your boyfriend? My life’s complicated, I might die on the job, and I have a five-year-old, but I promise I’ll take care of you.”
I just could not stop smiling. It was so unlike him to be this vulnerable with me, this raw and I loved it. It made me feel calm, something Elliot was proving to be amazing at.
“Can you say something instead of just grinning at me?” he forced a laugh and I could tell he was in pain at the uncertainty.
“Yes.”
“Yes, you can say something? Or yes, you want to give me a go?”
I kissed him right on the lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and his hands slowly found my back. Our lips danced with one another and it felt like the room was spinning. Just like those corny movies.
“I take that as a yes to the boyfriend part.”
He picked me up while still kissing me and spun me around. I smiled against his mouth, slightly aroused at the fact he could pick me up like a rag doll.
“How’d Michelle take the news?”
He placed me back on the ground, held me at an arm’s length, and cringed.
“Not well?”
“I wouldn’t say bad,” he laughed to himself. “Just not too fond on the fact you have the same genitals as me.”
“She didn’t know you went both ways?”
“Oh no, she knew. She knew damn well I wasn’t just hanging out with the other guys at gigs.”
I felt my face go white and I’m sure he felt my body stiffen in his hands.
“But!” he quickly added. “That was when I was nineteen and I am not a horny little monster anymore.”
I wanted to believe him.
“Well,” he grabbed me in his arms, “only when I’m with you.”
“You’re not going to leave me for a model or something, right?”
“I shouldn’t have said that,” he kissed my head. “I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m glad you did. I want to know about your past. Just…don’t get involved with me to leave me.”
“Joseph, I would never. I have a son that I need to be a good example for and I wasn’t even with Michelle when I was nineteen and exploring myself.”
“Is it a good idea to have a boyfriend around your son then?”
“I can’t imagine it would be a bad thing.”
“But…”
He placed a hand over my mouth, “If it shows him how to love someone down the road, it doesn’t matter that you have a dick.”
I mumbled into his hand.
“Go again.”
“Love?”
He went red.
“I mean…maybe. You are always on my mind, Joseph, and I kind of hate you for it. I haven’t felt that since I was in high school with Michelle.”
“Even when you and her rekindled?”
“Even then,” he became sincere again. “I don’t do this whole relationship thing. It scares the shit out of me because I don’t like to get attached. I’ve been on my own for a while and I got used to it—you don’t get hurt when you don’t open up to people.
“But there’s something about you, Joseph, that I need. You are always on my mind—at work or the gym or when I’m sleeping here and I know you’re only a few blocks away. I told Michelle because I want to make this work with you. I want you to be a part of my life and if that’s going to happen, she needed to know. She needs to know for Grayson.
“And I know that’s probably scary for you because you’re young, but we can go at your pace with Grayson. You can meet him as much or as little as you want, whenever you want. It can be tomorrow or five months from now. I don’t want to push you into anything, but he’s the biggest part of my life that is also the most important.”
“Woah,” was all I managed to say.
“I know it’s a lot—I’m sorry. I’m a lot to deal with once you get to know me. My Instagram only shows the good parts--the nice to look at parts and that’s all people like. But I think you see beyond that and I think I could love you for it if I already don’t,” he laughed to himself. “They say men know if they love someone in a few weeks.”
“This is not how I thought today was going to go."
“I’m sorry,” he quickly replied. “We can put a pin in it.”
“No,” I reassured him while I touched his chest. “I’m glad you’re being open.”
I took a seat on the bed and put my hands in my lap. He slowly walked over and sat next to me. We both looked straight ahead until I leaned against him.
“This scares me, Elliot.”
“Okay,” he inhaled heavily. “What part?”
“All of it, I guess. I’m twenty-two and you’re almost ten years older than me. That looks a certain way to people.”
He nodded.
“You have a child and I don’t know the first thing about kids. I did this summer camp thing for years in high school for kids, but I’m sure it’s different than being a dad. Like…I’m sure I can learn all about that, it’ll just take some time.”
“Joseph, you don’t have to be a dad.”
I exhaled quickly, “Good. I don’t want to be a dad yet.”
We both laughed.
“Your modeling scares me, too. I feel like you’re going to leave me when something better comes by.”
“Hey,” he grabbed my face in his hands. “That’s not going to happen. I’ll delete my Instagram if you want. It doesn’t matter.”
“No, don’t do that,” I leaned into his right hand. “My boss thinks it’s a great way for you to grow success.”
“Your boss knows about me?”
I sighed, “Not because of me.”
“It’s okay she knows,” he gave me a warm smile.
“That’s not the problem,” I groaned. “The problem is she wants to use you for publicity for our company.”
“Is this the work business you wanted to go over?”
I nodded slowly, “Yeahh…”
“What does she want?”
“She’s hosting a Gala or something for young entrepreneurs or business people or whatever it is she’s doing. She thinks you’d be a good person to attend given your success and your Instagram following. Something about most eligible bachelors or something.”
“That article got written before we crossed paths, Joseph. I know it sounds bad or fake or that I’m lying, but I promise you I’m not.”
I looked at him and could tell he was telling the truth. His eyes had a way of letting me know what was really going on inside him.
“I believe you,” I gave him a weak smile. “She wants me to bring you next weekend.”
“Well,” he became chipper, “would you like me to go with you?”
“I don’t want you to think I’m social climbing or whatever you said the other day,” I feebly admitted.
“I know you’re not.”
We sat in silence.
“Would you like me to go?”
“Only if you want to. She told me it won’t negatively impact my job if you don’t go.”
“Do you want me to go, Joseph?” he asked in a stern tone.
“Only-“
“Yes,” he kissed me. “Or no.”
“Yes.”
“Then I’ll go.”
I smiled, “Thank you.”
“I’m curious about these ‘young entrepreneurs’ and why she thinks a former college dropout, turned model, turned police officer is a good fit.”
“Your million Instagram followers is why.”
“I guess we’ll have to take a good photo to show my million followers I’m a taken man.”
“Or you can just add it to your bio.”
He must have sensed the apprehension in my voice, “That’s another solid option.”
I felt like I needed to pinch myself because I couldn’t believe what just happened. I came over to cautiously bring up Elizabeth’s request, eat some pizza after, drink some beer, and probably give Elliot a blow job. I just wanted to have his dick in my mouth and taste him like that. But so far, the day had not gone the way I planned. Elizabeth got brought up like a bull in a china shop, which he handled better than I thought he would. So, she’ll be thrilled about that on Monday. But that meant I had to go to an event with Elliot, something I’d never done. I went over the rough plans for the party before I left work yesterday and it was packed with guests and publicity. I think some B list celebrity was even going to be there. This was as far from home I could be and it was something else my anxiety made me nervous about.
And of course, there’s Elliot professing his feelings to me. Amazing. Terrifying, too. His son’s mother knew about me—knew about us—and she could use that against us. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know how any of this works. Being with someone who has a kid and a kid’s mother to handle. I didn’t even know if they were on good terms and if they were, I didn’t want to rock that boat. His relationship with her was more important and always will be more important than his relationship with me. Something else I’d have to get used to.
But the bomb of it all was him talking about love. I didn’t think we’d even get to that word for another few months, but on this chilly Saturday, a week after not seeing each other, he brought it up. And it wouldn’t be the most far-fetched concept, being honest. I’ve felt things for Elliot these last five weeks that I couldn’t deny. The closest thing I had in comparison was when I was obsessed with my straight, best friend on the soccer team in high school. Except, this was real. This was a bisexual man, who in a literal sea of people to be with, picked me. A beautiful man who fucked me so good a week ago he made me cum without touching my dick. A beautiful man who had just as beautiful of a personality that I was peeling back, layer by layer. And this beautiful man spoke about love with a choked-up voice and red face.
“I think I might love you,” I broke the silence between us. “I’ve never been in love, though, so I can’t say.”
“Its only happened to me once and I have to say, Joseph, it feels a lot like that time.”
“What does it mean for you?”
“Excuse me?”
“Being in love,” I turned to face him. “Can you try to explain it?”
“Of course,” he smiled and the weight on his face melted. He exhaled, “For me, it’s a peaceful feeling. My life is crazy and I don’t feel at peace a lot of the time. When I’m with Grayson, it’s peaceful. When he laughs, it’s as if the entire world is gone.”
I had a huge smile watching and listening him talk about his son.
“My family’s always been…chaotic,” he smirked to himself as he reflected. “Michelle knew that and when she was around, I was at peace, too. Not as much with Grayson, but still.”
“Of course.”
“With you…it was like I was pulled towards you. I didn’t realize it that day with the couch, but when I saw you at the bar…I just couldn’t keep myself from you. I told my friends I had to try my luck with you that day and they’ve been rooting for us since,” he started laughing. “I got ahead of myself with sexualizing you.”
“I didn’t mind.”
“I’m glad,” he laughed once through his nostrils. “But I did. I knew you were young and I had all this shit to tell you before getting you involved with me and I didn’t like that I didn’t give you a fair chance before you developed feelings or whatever.
“But I just couldn’t help myself. You had this sense of peace around you that I was drawn to. How you laughed, how you smiled, how you get nervous sometimes…it’s amazing what it does to me. I tried ignoring it for a while, but it only got stronger. I didn’t plan to fuck you that day during breakfast, Joseph. I wanted a slow day with you, just getting to know each other better, but when you were so innocent and happy with a pancake…it just did something to me. I think that’s when I knew I started to love you.
“You just make shit easy for me,” he paused, “but hard at the same time.”
“I don’t want to come between you and Michelle if that’s what you mean. She’s more important.”
“That’s the thing, Joseph,” he got louder. “You understand that. You’re so young with so much ahead that you don’t even know, but you understand something so simple that my son’s mother will always have a place in my life when people my age, guys or girls, can’t accept that. Do you know how rare you are? How amazing you are, Joseph?”
“I’m really not, Elliot,” I rubbed my thighs.
“But you are, Joseph. And I love you for it. And I know it sounds crazy to say that after five weeks, but you have me going crazy trying to keep this to myself and make this work somehow.”
He looked into my eyes and it felt like I wanted to throw up again. Not because it was bad, but because I was overwhelmed with feelings. Overwhelmed with positivity. I felt so warm—warmer than I’d ever felt in my entire life. I could feel how he cared for me and sense the genuineness behind his works.
“I want you and only you, Joseph. I want to show you that you have nothing to be nervous about. I want to protect you and take care of you and help you navigate being an adult. I want to be there for you, however you need me to be. I just want you to give me a chance.”
I started laughing at him.
“What?” he asked cautiously. “What is it?”
“It’s ironic you’re the one asking to give me a chance.”
“Do you not see how attractive you are?”
I shook my head slowly.
“C’mere.”
He grabbed me by my wrist and pulled me into his closet. He had floor to length shelves packed with clothes and in the middle of the aisle was a full-length mirror. He had me stand in front of him, his head resting on my right shoulder.
“What do you see?”
“Why?”
“Just answer the question, Joseph.”
I sighed, “Why don’t you tell me because I know you’re going to.”
I saw him flash his perfect pearly whites.
“You have these warm, brown eyes that light up when the sun hits them just right. Your hair blends with your complexion and it melts together perfectly to create this beautiful Spanish man before me.”
I smiled at his kindness.
“The right side of your mouth always rises higher when you smirk and it’s the cutest thing. You have the most perfect slope to your nose that I have ever seen,” he turned his head to the side. “You even have me beat and I’m a signed model.”
“Oh, that means everything then.”
We both smiled at each other, “Your jaw is strong, but subtle, and it has the most amazing curve by your ear,” he traced it with his fingers. “And your lips. They just the right size and perfectly plump. I could make out with them all day if you let me.
“The point of this, Joseph, is that you do not have to compare yourself to me. You don’t have the same build I do and that’s never going to change and it’s never going to matter,” he lifted my shirt up despite me trying to stop his hands, but he’s just too strong, “You don’t need abs to be sexy and if you ask me, that subtle V you have going on, barely sticking past your jeans is tantalizing,” he pushed the shirt to just below my collar bone. “You have beautiful nipples on the perfect sized chest,” he lightly cupped my left pec. “Fits perfectly. I don’t want you to look like me. I don’t want you to do anything because you feel like you have to impress me either.”
“Okay,” I softly said. “I get it.”
I leaned into him and he lowered my shirt. His arms made their way around me and he embraced me in a hug.
“I just want you to see yourself the way I do. I don’t want you to compare yourself to me, got it?”
I nodded.
“There’s all the things you can’t see that I love about you, too. Those are more important.”
“No one’s concerned with those.”
“That’s not true. Plenty of people are. They’re just harder to find.”
“I guess I got lucky then.”
“That makes two of us, Joseph.”
“Why do you only call me Joseph?”
“Because…that’s your name?”
“Yeah, but Joe or Joey is fine. You even teased me about Joey that one day.”
He lowered his head next to mine and held me tighter, “You’re a Joseph.”
“Yeah, but-“
“I can call you those other names if you really want.”
I looked at him looking at me, “No.”
“So it stays at Joseph.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but then closed it. He noticed and raised an eyebrow in curiosity.
“Um,” I started, “is it okay if I take some time to figure out my feelings?”
He nodded with a smile.
“I, uh, don’t have to tell you I love you, too?”
“I mean,” he laughed, “it’d be nice if you felt similarly one day…hopefully.”
“No!” I exclaimed with wide eyes. “I don’t mean that!”
“I know what you mean,” he kissed my cheek before letting go. “You don’t have to say anything until you’re ready,” he walked out of the small space. “Besides, I have a few years of experience on you.”
I saw myself raise the right side of my mouth just higher than the left.
* * *
True to his word, we had a movie night with pizza and beer. We cuddled on the couch and talked for hours before retiring to his room. I even got to give him a blowjob. Better yet, he gave me one, too.
