Admitting your gay vs accepting your gay

[number42]

I have the same! I was raised as a christian, pretty strict, so toughts of 'being gay is a sin' and 'its gross' are deeply embedded in my mind. I don't know if that's the reason you feel this way, but i figured i should just start dating, and let my heart guide me. Not have sex with any jock that comes by, but wait for a nice romance to have my first time with.

I too am still a virgin. I recently contacted a gay friend of mine, asking her for advice on coming out and entering the gay scene of my city (Amsterdam), and she just guides me trough everything. I think you'd benefit from something like that, too.

 

[Echoes]

oh well, I don't think it's an issue about accepting vs admitting. I think you my friend are concerned about how to face sex and deal with it without experience. I also think you are afraid of being yourself. However, things get better, most of your concerns and preoccupations will fade away if you embrace who you are, by that I mean you have to do what really makes you happy, only you know what that is though,(finding a partner, partying with friends, independence, etc) do that if that's what you want, even if it implies letting down some people, you can't make everybody happy all of the time, can you? So bare that in mind and try to figure out yourself, ask you a couple of questions and try to answer them honestly, you can try with Who am I for real and who I want to be? What do I really want for me? and so on.
As lame as it may sound those kinds of questions really do the trick.

wish you luck mate and feel free to PM me if I can be of any help.

 

[Paws]

*mumbles something about his gay*

 

[andy12]

When I came out no one was really surprised (I'm straight-acting enough like but when you show absolutely no interest in girls they tend to pick up on it) and no one kicked up a fuss which I guess might have disappointed me. I guess I'm the only one with a problem about my being gay, I judge myself by all the stereotypes, and convince myself that you can't be masculine and gay (which of course is nonsense).

Sounds like you're judging the stereotypes and probably not wanting to be them. But is there anything wrong with those stereotypes? If you're drawn towards the more feminine side of things, you really shouldn't waste any time giving a damn how others will judge you as there's nothing to judge.

Clinging onto "straight-acting" seems to be in the vogue these days but if you're not actually masculine, beating yourself up over it seems counter-productive.

I know I want to have sex but the thought of it is pretty terrifying and I kinda feel ashamed of wanting to. I guess my problem might have been that I came out too soon before I really came to terms with it myself.

Have you been raised in a religious environment?

 

[wooffy]

I'm 19 and pretty much everyone knows I'm gay. I know I'm gay, there's no doubt in that but I just can't seem to properly accept it. I'm still a virgin, its like i'm gay in theory but not in practice and I feel guilty for being gay which just gets worse as time goes by.

Hi,

First, I would say, don't worry too much about the sex/virginity thing. There is no set schedule, everyone worries a lot about sex before they have it (and usually after too), and bottom line losing your virginity is usually neither as frightening nor as awesome as people think. Let that happen in its own time.

You do need to deal with the guilt issue, and the sooner the better. You are you. Stereotypes are great for stand-up comedians, and some of them are true some of the time - but none of them are YOU. You will end up being the person you are, no point worrying about it. And be fair to yourself - you're 19, it would be pretty damn weird if you did NOT feel self-conscious about a lot of things, including what sort of 'gay' you will be.

Do you know what is causing the guilt? Is there anything specific that makes you feel bad about being gay? Let your mind wander, and see what comes to the surface.

Make some gay friends. Find a gay youth group. Visit a GLBT library. Talk to your friends about your feelings of guilt, they may have some insights.

 

[Lube]

I know I want to have sex but the thought of it is pretty terrifying and I kinda feel ashamed of wanting to. I guess my problem might have been that I came out too soon before I really came to terms with it myself.

Was just wondering if anyone has had any similar experiences or advice or anything? I know its pretty tragic but do me a favour and don't waste your time telling me that.

Any advice appreciated

You are not tragic in the least.

We all think we're so unique and no one else has gone through what we're going through, but believe me, many of us have been where you are.

I like the advice of hanging out with other (out, proud) gay men. Nothing builds confidence like realizing there are lots of guys out there just like you.

Don't be so hard on yourself. And, yeah, the sex thing just is. Sex is a lot of fun, but the losing-your-virginity thing is way overrated. don't wait fir Prince Charming, as he'll never arrive, and even if he does it's unlikely that first time sex will be all that amazing.

 

[hackingnomberr]

This may all end up sounding hurrendously pathetic and it might have all been said before but ah well.
I'm 19 and pretty much everyone knows I'm gay. I know I'm gay, there's no doubt in that but I just can't seem to properly accept it. I'm still a virgin, its like i'm gay in theory but not in practice and I feel guilty for being gay which just gets worse as time goes by.
When I came out no one was really surprised (I'm straight-acting enough like but when you show absolutely no interest in girls they tend to pick up on it) and no one kicked up a fuss which I guess might have disappointed me. I guess I'm the only one with a problem about my being gay, I judge myself by all the stereotypes, and convince myself that you can't be masculine and gay (which of course is nonsense).

I know I want to have sex but the thought of it is pretty terrifying and I kinda feel ashamed of wanting to. I guess my problem might have been that I came out too soon before I really came to terms with it myself.

Was just wondering if anyone has had any similar experiences or advice or anything? I know its pretty tragic but do me a favour and don't waste your time telling me that.

Any advice appreciated

I'm pretty much in the same position except I haven't even gotten to the coming out part yet, the fact that you were able to come out is such a big step that I don't think you'll have any trouble accepting it in the near future.
What you probably need is a guy that is willing to try the whole sex thing with you, and make you feel more comfortable about your sexuality.~

 

[Lube]

Sorry to hear that. But now you've got the virginity thing out of the way, and you learned a lot about what you do and don't want/like.

You're a lot better off than you were just a couple days ago.

Learn from your experience;don't mope over it.

 

[BigChicken]

This may all end up sounding hurrendously pathetic and it might have all been said before but ah well.
I'm 19 and pretty much everyone knows I'm gay. I know I'm gay, there's no doubt in that but I just can't seem to properly accept it. I'm still a virgin, its like i'm gay in theory but not in practice and I feel guilty for being gay which just gets worse as time goes by.
When I came out no one was really surprised (I'm straight-acting enough like but when you show absolutely no interest in girls they tend to pick up on it) and no one kicked up a fuss which I guess might have disappointed me. I guess I'm the only one with a problem about my being gay, I judge myself by all the stereotypes, and convince myself that you can't be masculine and gay (which of course is nonsense).

I know I want to have sex but the thought of it is pretty terrifying and I kinda feel ashamed of wanting to. I guess my problem might have been that I came out too soon before I really came to terms with it myself.

Was just wondering if anyone has had any similar experiences or advice or anything? I know its pretty tragic but do me a favour and don't waste your time telling me that.

Any advice appreciated

Strangely enough, only my friends figured out that I was gay without telling them. My parents and the rest of my family never figured it out until I told them I was gay. My family should have realized that a teenage boy (in the 1980s) who has no interest in girls at all was probably gay, but it never crossed their minds. They just wanted to believe that I was just a late bloomer. My theory is that they were so religious, they just could not accept it and so they denied it until I told them I was gay. And then they yelled and screamed at me, and it took years for them to accept me for who I am.

And let me tell you, I know exactly how you feel. I did not want to be gay. I struggled and fought against it for years until I finally accepted it. The sooner you accept it, the better off you will be. I felt so much better when I finally accepted the fact that I was born gay and would always be gay. And when I found my first boyfriend, and the first time I had gay sex, it felt like I was finally who I was supposed to be, for the first time.

Don't struggle against it. Accept it. You were born this way.

Enjoy yourself while you are still a young man.

 

[BigChicken]

Nah I'm not religious in the least, my younger brother is gay and a lot more comfortable. Thanks for the advice and everything.

Just had the worst night of my life, needless to say you should never mix antidepressants, alcohol, poppers and your virginity. Doing everything I can not to be sick, sucked some guy who was like twenty years older than me off in a park and fucked some other guy who i couldnt fancy less if i tried, was like an outer body thing but in a distinctly bad way.

Bad times

Oops! I didn't read this part before I posted.

Try finding a guy around your own age and see if that makes a difference.

 

[BigChicken]

You are not tragic in the least.

We all think we're so unique and no one else has gone through what we're going through, but believe me, many of us have been where you are.

I like the advice of hanging out with other (out, proud) gay men. Nothing builds confidence like realizing there are lots of guys out there just like you.

Don't be so hard on yourself. And, yeah, the sex thing just is. Sex is a lot of fun, but the losing-your-virginity thing is way overrated. don't wait fir Prince Charming, as he'll never arrive, and even if he does it's unlikely that first time sex will be all that amazing.

I guess it wasn't all that amazing for him. That's sad.

My first time was with a classmate in one of my biology classes at A.S.U. We were studying late at night in his dormroom, and one thing led to another, and it was a lot more fun that what "gh567able" described. I feel sorry for him. But I'm sure things will turn around soon for him.

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

For me, accepting that I was gay was a process, a very long one. Many years in fact. Shame and guilt were my best friends. What made me accept my gayness was through my life's experiences. I came to realize that there were many types and kinds of guys out there that are like me, and don't fit the stereotypical mold. Not all of us like show tunes, fuss with our clothes and hair, or are drama queens.

The only difference between me and my straight friends is that I am attracted to men. The older you get, the more you will realize most folks could care less - they are too pre-occupied with their own lives.

I only wish I could have relaxed about my true identity sooner, and not fight it. I think life would have been a lot more enjoyable.

 

[Lube]

I guess it wasn't all that amazing for him. That's sad.

My first time was with a classmate in one of my biology classes at A.S.U. We were studying late at night in his dormroom, and one thing led to another, and it was a lot more fun that what "gh567able" described. I feel sorry for him. But I'm sure things will turn around soon for him.

It's not really sad, it just is.

Sex is sex--you never know beforehand whether it's going to be great, good, ok, or a dud. That's part of what makes it so exciting.

My only point is that there isn't much point in glorifying losing your "virginity" because you never know how the sex will turn out. Sure, it's exciting because it's the first time, but it isn't going to necessarily be mind blowing. And you shouldn't be disappointed or feel like a failure if it's not.

In my case, my first time with a man was very, very enjoyable. But it wasn't the best sex I've ever had. Not by a long shot.

 

[somedude987]

Ewww you screwed some gross guy? Haha that's pretty funny, you gotta admit. I would say seeing as you weren't attracted to him it doesn't really count. Bad times indeed! There's always next time

 

[toedipper]

I was 27 when I came out. That was when I admitted I was gay. Spent most of my 20s hating myself, had sex with a guy for the 1st time when I was 29. Caught an STD ( so be safe, especially with the ransoms.) I'm 32 and am in my first relationship. I'm only accepting myself now. I'm absolutely in love with feminine men, even though I am a more masculine guy. It gets easier the more chances you have to experience love, sex, fantasies because your true nature will emerge. It will feel unique, because we are all unique. Throw yourself out there. Don't wait. I second guessed myself too long. Have fun with it.

 

[Supersix]

SteveyboyLA, I couldn't agree with you more. I had no idea how many gays there are, until I finally bought a computer and got into chat rooms, since I never was into the scene at all. The chat rooms were eye-opening for me, and this message board is terrific! I ALWAYS knew I was gay, but took until I was 32 to accept it and come out. And I only did that because my partner was ready to walk away from me, and it was then that I realized he was more important to me than anyone else. If he hadn't forced me, I would still be in the closet, with a very few sexual experiences for a man in his 30s, kinda embarrassing. Since accepting myself for who I am, with serenity, these are the happiest years of my life, by far. In time you will experience the same. Not in the least do I want to be younger and go through all the shit I did all over again. I could go on and on about this. Many of the guys on here are very smart, articulate and supportive. Keep coming here and see what these gentlemen have to say.