Thank you for your thoughts. I agree that it my seem very odd that I am here on this site asking these questions. It is because I googled adult bookstores for a more insider look-( and of course this site popped up.
The truth is, he very well could have been purchasing porn. That's fine. I'm actually the one more comfortable with porn and toys and doing outrageous things. He does NOT own any porn in this house, and if you don't believe me I assure you...I am fucking Nancy Drew lately. I know every inch of this house. The other fact is, I'm the one who likes the toys. And he knows it. I just have recently discovered things that have me questioning everything and looking for truth. I had a complete disaster of a marriage for 12 years with a man addicted to drugs. I pulled myself out of that by the skin of my teeth, with four children no less. I am not willing to be naive and make another mistake. My honest guess at this point is that he was renting or buying videos. We have a crazy good sex life as well. I'm the freak. I can't even get him to talk dirty to me. lol Makes this whole thing seem even more strange to me though (I can't get him to call his penis a 'cock' half the time- he calls it his 'thing'- sorry if I'm being too blunt.)
I seriously doubt I can say, 'hey, I was pulling up old bank statements and found some purchases at an xxx bookstore. Were getting head or buying videos?" If I'm wrong, then I look like an ass.
btw, to whomever questioned why I would be concerned about my kids and the connotation of their well being if he was gay..... let me just say I not only practice, but insist on tolerance in my house and all of my children understand, and respect that love can be between two people of the same sex. It is a major issue in my house because I live in the south and I'm a liberal democrat surrounded by a mob of truck driving, shotgun wielding, red neck, republicans. (sorry but it's the truth). This is not about having a gay influence in their life. This is about their mom being happy and for once, treated the way she deserves. What would happen if in a couple of years, I discover something, divorce (again) and my children lose the only dad they have in their life (again). Their father deserted them for crack, so this is the only father they know, and it's taken several years for them to come to terms with that.
again, thank you so much. I'm just a woman, and I just have questions. And bless the gay community, because I have never found a straight man quite as honest. About everything. =)
Makes sense to me. Whatever's going through his head, and whatever implications it has for the future of your relationship, it is great that you're willing to wrap your head around it either way. I know you want a future with this guy, but I have to give you credit because if you're meant to go down different paths, you also seem okay with that possibility... As long as he's not being a lying sack of shit about it.
You know what you need, and what you have to offer, and it seems you only want to make sure he is just as certain.
I don't know what happens in these adult bookstores or peepshows or whatever. My guy and I both enjoy toys, but we've usually gone shopping together, and usually at a (gay) sex toy place like Priape. To be honest, adult bookstores always seemed a little sleazy, and I prefer my kinks to be a little more highbrow. And more hygenic-looking.
So, I don't get his choice of venue, but that might just be his inexperience, or it may be due to a limited selection in your community or something.
I do understand how frustrating it can be when a partner doesn't communicate about what he wants or finds stimulating: I have one of those myself. He's very very shy about sharing what turns him on, and feels sometimes it is his duty to keep it from me as though I would be offended if I knew what's going through his mind. He's finally, slowly (after 12 years) getting the picture that if I walk in on him looking at some kinky web site, he should not act all embarrassed and hide it - he should grin and invite me to join in. That actually builds trust rather than undermining it.
And that is without all the baggage of being a heterosexual male. Straight guys feel even more pressure to always act like experts in the bedroom. You're probably his dream come true with the crazy good sex life, but that doesn't mean it is not intimidating for him on some level, or that his fear of judgement makes it difficult to open up about fantasies that you would be happy to make a part of a happy hetero sex life. Seeing how much you enjoy toys might have got him wondering what they could do for him. Who knows? You know how difficult it is for a straight guy to work up the nerve to say "honey, I'm dying to have you fuck me with a strap-on." Something that simple can mess a guy up and make him wonder about his identity and his relationship and his masculinity, and it can take him a while to figure out that it's none of those things. It's just a fun sensation and a chance to vary the roles in bed with someone he already cares about. Or maybe that's not what he wants at all, but something similarly awkward to ask for if that makes sense...
My guy and I have an understanding that we can both do incredibly naughty things with each other in our dreams and that does not require us to turn fantasy into reality. Once you have that breakthrough, it cuts out a lot of bullshit. In our shared fantasies, I can do things to him with entire groups of horny people that would never cut it in real life. It's fun to cut loose like that for both of us.
If there's any way to let him know it is safe to share those fantasies with you, it will give you an even better crazy good sex life. Maybe he has a fetish for a woman to act sleazy, and that's what he gets out of watching porn in an adult bookstore. You are uninhibited in bed, and more than he is, and he knows it. Maybe that turns him on so much, his fantasies have taken him to pushing the limits of just how uninhibited a woman can be. Maybe he feels guilty about how far his fantasies have gone, when he doesn't need to. Maybe some of them you would be happy to share in.
This doesn't mean you need to fuck him in public in a back alley next to a garbage bin. And you don't have to fuck him in a booth at a bookstore while some creepy guy jacks off through the crack in the door. But you might consider that his interest in pushing the boundaries comes from being turned on at how
you can push his boundaries in the bedroom. Maybe you lit the fire! Maybe it would turn him on a lot if you called him up out of the blue and told him to meet you at a Motel 6 for an hour of down & dirty. Safer, and cleaner, but still kind of a kinky fantasy date that thrills him because of how forward you are, pushing his boundaries once again. Maybe he's too shy to let you know how much that would turn him on.
Maybe he likes it when you take control, so take control of this situation by letting him know his fantasies are something that turn you on when he shares them with you. My guy likes being tied up some times. I think it is a bit silly, but it is harmless and I can do it enthusiastically because I see how it turns him on.
Any of this seem applicable?
