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Advice about dating and cheating!

nycguydowntown

nycguydowntown

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well 4 months is not long enough to really know someone---but you are getting to know who he is and guess you have to decide if you can love him the way he is.
 
Don't wonder. Just talk to him. Honesty and openness go both ways.
 
There's two things of note about your opening post:
  1. It doesn't tell us anything about the guy or the quality of your relationship with him. If he's a nice guy, you get along well and he treats you well otherwise, that makes a difference. On the other hand, if the most that you can say about him is that you've been dating for 4 months...
  2. The second paragraph of your post tells us about the baggage that you've brought into the relationship.

Every couple has to have a discussion about where the line is. Unless you've both made a commitment and agreed upon what the definition of "cheating" is, it's not fair to expect him to live up to your standard- especially if you feel that he told you the truth about this incident.
 
No one ever kept a man by behaving like a jealous hausfrau. Part of honesty is doing your part to facilitate honesty.

Four months is way too early for attitude, if he has already agreed to monogamy (has he?), then you need to define what that is, since you haven't, he's only half the issue.
 
spanishguy said:
Buddy i did talk to him and i made it clear that if there is no honesty i am out. His response was "is just a chat line and is only phone sex" and dismissed it...right now i am trying to put on a balance the pros and cons the pros are winning but this con is a big one for me and like i said it raised a red flag. I will touch base with him again with this conversation, he is interested in me and i in him and 4 months is not a long time. I will continue to give him a chance but with caution.

My sister told me to get rid of him LOL..anyways time will tell.
Click to expand...

Were you honest about your past? About why you feel the way you do? It's only been 4 months. Have you discussed what monogamy means to you?
 
I wouldn't care if it was just jerking off to fantasy porn, but doing it on the phone with someone "real/live" introduces an element that seems like it's crossing a line. I would have been pissed too.
 
Phone sex with someone else when you are in a committed relationship is cheating...period.

Four months is not too short a time to establish that.

You seem like loving, giving person, but I think that having two consecutive cheaters should raise a flag.

I would honestly suggest counseling to see if this pattern is something that you can change.
 
From my experience with loving partners the desire to possess, and exercise control over ones partner results in the partner wanting to escape...excessive control destroys a loving partnership...speaking much more to the insecurities of the partner.....honesty should not entail knowing every little facet of ones partner's life...perhaps there are particular personality issues that the OP needs to address....
 
I wonder how many guys can resist the urge to take it to the next step of meeting up? It sounds like a slippery slope.
This is different than porn, which is total fantasy with no chance of ever meeting the actors. Phone sex is more a seduction between
two real people.

Be thankful you have invested only 4 months in him. This doesn't have to be a deal breaker unless it is more than you can handle and it sounds like it is. Does he share other traits with your ex?
 
spanishguy said:
First of all i don't desire to possess anyone. I do expect respect. I don't know but i have been taught if i am going out with someone and we are having sex i expect that if that person will have sex with others whether is phone or real that he would tell me is just the HONEST thing to do. When it comes to my health i sure want to know if the other person is going out having sex with others I expect to know that at ALL times but that may just be me. I am not going to go out and stalk you to know it or check your email and phone like some people but i do take care of ME and MY HEALTH. If i give someone respect and honesty i expect the same thing.
Click to expand...

If you've been taught just to assume things about your relationships, you've had some piss poor instruction, if you won't go to him and discuss what you want, that's not his fault.

You do not come across as “too trusting,” you’re coming across as the opposite as well as kind of belligerent and insecure, and therefore, controlling, which is why kallipolis said what he did.

Not to mention kinda immature, you can have all the expectations you like, if he doesn't know he’s supposed to be monogamous, your expectations are the problem and he isn't cheating, if you haven’t told him you EXPECT to have a detailed summary of all his exploits, you are the issue and he hasn't done anything wrong.

A word about honesty and respect, the biggest lie someone told is is that you get to EXPECT these things. You don’t, you will get exactly as much of each that the other guy is willing to give you. Period. You choose a liar, and you won’t get honesty. You choose a party-boy, and you won’t get monogamy. You can expect and demand until the stars fall on your head, and you will get neither if you choose the wrong guy. Should these be automatic? Sure, in the universe where justice is certain. We don't live there.

Most men aren't extremes however, and you can certainly influence how much of both you get, by choosing carefully, and giving him both yourself, but having this level of issue after four months really kinda screams that the red flag here is yours, and you still have some baggage to deal with yourself.
 
My husband and I have been together over 31 years and have had go-arounds over expectations. Let me tell you that the notion that someone should "just know" is erroneous and is probably one of the biggest reasons for relationship problems.

We all enter relationships as unique individuals with, perhaps, a notion of how we are "suppose" to behave. Sometimes that notion is totally based in fantasy and a real problem occurs if we assume our partner arrived with the same notion and fantasy. Never assume anything in a relationship and never expect a partner to be a mind reader. Following that simple advice will save you anger, tears, perhaps counseling fees (but never rule out couple's counseling if needed), and even a potential break up.
 
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