Advice: am I right, or am I being stupid?

[YeahWhatever]

Let me first preface this by saying this isn't me -- having to ask for advice like this because I usually have a clear head. I'm just so confused...

So I joined this website a few weeks ago, and I decided to take a look at some of the members' profiles. There was one particular profile that caught my eye because he liked a lot of bands and artists that I did (and it didn't hurt that he was kinda cute), so I sent him a message that said "Hey, nice taste in music." It was totally short and innocuous, and I thought he'd reply with a "thanks, you too" or something, and that would be it. I wasn't expecting anything. But he replied back to me very enthusiastically and was just totally friendly, and he somehow sparked a conversation, and before I knew it, it just snowballed. We would e-mail each other back and forth these essay-long messages everyday for 2 weeks, just totally divulging to each other details of our lives that no one ever knew about us. It was almost scary how much we had in common and how comfortable we were in communicating considering we've only "known" each other for about a week.

In one of our early conversations, he subtley dropped that he was married to another guy, and it kinda took me aback for a split second because it seemed like he was making advances. He later told me that he's like a "modern day hippie," and he has a lot of love to give to a lot of people. I thought it was kinda cute, but I thought about it for a second and realized that because we spilled our guts out to each other, that it would be a little weird if we decided to become phyiscal -- plus, I didn't want to be "that guy."

So last week, he informed me that he got a promotion at his job, and our daily e-mails were exchanged as usual. He e-mailed me Friday morning sort of dropping hints that he wanted to see what I looked like. I replied that afternoon with my picture, empasizing that I'm not very confident in the looks department, and I joked around to proceed with caution, etc. I didn't get a reply back, so naturally, I assumed that he was turned off. He replied a few days later, apologizing that he couldn't get back sooner because of his Halloween party over the weekend and because of work, and he said he liked my picture. He also said he wanted to come over to my place on a lunch break, and that he would write more, since this particular message was short. I was still a little hurt over that weekend, because if I were in his position, I'd at least try to make an acknowledgement and not leave him guessing and waiting, but maybe I was just being stupid and petty. So I waited a day for him to "write more" as he claimed he would, but I never got anything, so I decided to take the initiative and send him an e-mail on Wednesday. Admittedly, I was a little distant with what I wrote because after what happened, I felt that couldn't read him. So fast forward to now, and I still haven't gotten anything back from him.

I don't know what to think. Is he busy with work and just doesn't have the time to talk? Or was he being insincere, and he didn't really like my picture? Was he offended by my last message, or did I say something to piss him off (I can't think of anything)? Is he bothered that I won't put out and mess around with him? Is the honeymoon period over, and it's just not "new" anymore?

It's really the last thing I need. My career is in the shitter, I virtually have no love life, and my social life is stagnant. And this guy just got a promotion, has "the one" -- a life partner, and is surrounded by great friends, which is great for him, but with everything that has happened, it's like salt in my pre-existing wounds -- to think that he's living this wonderful life and I'm left behind in his wake. If this friendship was in vain, then it makes me feel even crappier than I already do. I don't know if I should be upset that I ever talked to him. I really liked interracting with him, and I was okay with just being friends, but is it realistic to assume this can't go anywhere? Am I overreacting and should just wait to see if he says anything? Is this completely absurd for the fact that I've never even physically seen, met, or spoken to him, and I'm feeling like this?

I'd appreciate any two cent donations...

 

[JayHew]

Could be he has other commitments that have interfered. But you hit the nail on the head with the idea of having a cyber relationship with someone and get all bent out of shape when there is interruption or time out, as if it were a real relationship. I don't mean to get things wrong here, but really, in this day and age, the common thing seems to be all these cyber relationships with no real face to face time involved and it is consider "real". Sorry, but the whole situation is sort of backasswards.

In this situation the guy has all the things you want and now is not communicating. What that means most often is he doesn't want to talk to you any more and really wants to end things but doesn't have the courtesy to do so in an upfront manner. I would just drop it and move on. sounds like you have other things to deal with anyway.

 

[YeahWhatever]

Could be he has other commitments that have interfered. But you hit the nail on the head with the idea of having a cyber relationship with someone and get all bent out of shape when there is interruption or time out, as if it were a real relationship. I don't mean to get things wrong here, but really, in this day and age, the common thing seems to be all these cyber relationships with no real face to face time involved and it is consider "real". Sorry, but the whole situation is sort of backasswards.

In this situation the guy has all the things you want and now is not communicating. What that means most often is he doesn't want to talk to you any more and really wants to end things but doesn't have the courtesy to do so in an upfront manner. I would just drop it and move on. sounds like you have other things to deal with anyway.

Thanks for the reply! I would consider myself level-headed in most respects, so I had to acknowledge that this was not a tangible relationship. Although he's insisted on meeting in person, what I know of him is only words and pictures. So thank you for slapping some sense into me!

You're the 2nd person to tell me I should drop it. 2 for 2. So thanks for your advice

 

[boy0boy]

Yeah unfortunately sometimes we get swept up with this whole internet thing and confuse it for real life.

Just a smack of reality is sometimes all that's needed.

Best of luck mate.

 

[YeahWhatever]

Yeah unfortunately sometimes we get swept up with this whole internet thing and confuse it for real life.

Just a smack of reality is sometimes all that's needed.

Best of luck mate.

Thanks. I appreciate it

I went back to skim the pages and pages of messages we exchanged. If anyone read them, they'd see there was definitely something there. But at the end of the day, they're just e-mails...

 

[rareboy]

I went back to skim the pages and pages of messages we exchanged. If anyone read them, they'd see there was definitely something there. But at the end of the day, they're just e-mails...

So he saw your pic, maybe you're just not his physical type.

Is this completely absurd for the fact that I've never even physically seen, met, or spoken to him, and I'm feeling like this?

Yes. It is absurd. Try to meet more non-virtual people and spend less time creating fantasies on line.

 

[silentalk]

Tough situation...

Last night, I was browsing through myspace and found this guy with an absolutely AMAZING character. We had the same interests in music, movies, studies... you name it. We had the same pattern of thinking. I've searched the net for months and months and never came across someone even close to him. So, I sent him an email. When I went back to check his profile again, I found out that I missed a vital point. he was already in a relationship. So I sent him another message, apologizing. I already feel sad about it, because finding someone like him would happen once, probably twince, a lifetime! But I've made up my mind not to ruin relationships!

I'd stay away from someone who has someone else in their lives...

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Dude:

Nothing ventured - nothing gained.

You did well. You gave it a chance. That was all you were able to do. And no one else would be able to do more, no matter how hard they tried. It takes 2 to tango.

Let's face it: more likely than not, you are not his type. Plus, you managed to indicate that you would not be granting sexual favors in exchange for friendship. He had more likely than not, put two and two together and came to the conclusion that there was not much for him in it. He has got 'a significant other' or so he says. He has got a number of friends and a good social life or so he says. And he has just got a promotion or so he says...

One of the simple yet essential secrets of success in human relationships is to learn how to transpose yourself into other dude's shoes, if you will. Sure, the same music, the same or similar interests and all are great. Spilling your beans may bond the people mightily, too.

Yet, nothing comes before people's own best interests or rather what they perceive those interests may be. Briefly, you have just learned not to overvalue the notion of platonic friendship once you leave the HS.

I know that this sounds very discouraging and so it is. However, learning how to live with that truth is a quintessential survival skill.

Your check list for the future:

1) Is he looking for a partner, buddy, mate? Can I fit in? Am I interested in this?

2) Is he looking for a friend to boost his social life and enjoy his time off? Am I into this?

3) What makes me valuable in his eyes? Can I make it clear to him that I am a major benefit in his set up? What is he doing for me?

---
Do not let this episode drive you nuts. You have showed some great guts here. You tried. That's all that matters.

Now tune your tools and get back to your next try. That's what we all do all the times.

SC

 

[YeahWhatever]

I just spoke with him. I let him know that I've been feeling like crap because we had something going and all of a sudden it stopped. So I told him maybe we should just end it for the time being. He got back to me this morning.

I don't want to give anyone here the impression that he was or is an asshole. He's a really great guy, and his response was really encouraging. It have to reiterate that I don't want anything more than to be friends with him. I just liked talking to him, and he doesn't live too far from me, so it was a real possibility that we could've just hung out.

I'm just trying to figure out where I fit in his busy life when I have so much of my own to deal with. I hope that I can still talk to him if and when I get my shit together. I feel so crappy right now