Advice: Confusing Situation.

[Logic3]

Alright, so a bit of back ground information first and then my situation. So I don't like to label myself but I guess I'm a pan-sexual/bi-sexual. I am not 'out' and I have never been with a guy before. I do plan on coming out once I'm independent (Currently 18 and studying, can't come out because i rely on my homophobic parents to survive.)

Anyway the situation is that I really like this guy that I've been friends with my entire life, I'm not sure if he is straight/bi/curious/gay. The reasons i think he might be at least bi-curious are the following:

1) Whilst out on the town he sometimes suggests going to a very well known gay bar for 'free drinks.'

2) After clubbing all my friends always come back to my house to sleep because of how close i live to the party district. So far he has always slept in my bed with me rather then using one of the spare beds. (Nothing has happened in the bed apart from me admiring his half naked body while he sleeps [im a creep/sucker for tight ripped abs, forgive me])

3) Previously he has made a few anti-gay comments, this is often a typical sign of someone insecure with their own sexuality yes?

4) He recently lost his virginity to his gf, now ex-gf. They did it like 15 or so times he said sex was overrated. Which to some extent is true , maybe i just want him so bad I'm willing to accept this as a sign.

5) One time he said if he was a chick he would swallow/ he often touches my ass but that might be an athlete thing?

6) He is generally only interested in really really good looking chicks, high standards or something else? He is also hot enough to be scoring every weekend with whoever he wants but doesn't. (Although he is a generally decent/respectful guy)

Anyway my issue is that i don't know what to do? Do i follow my heart and make a move and accept that he might not be gay and expose my sexuality. Or do I bury my feelings and wait for him to make the move? Or was him trying to sleep in my bed and mention how horny he gets after drinking his move that I missed?

I just don't know what to do, feel free to ask for more information, sorry about making you guys read all of that.

 

[Darvin]

Alcohol works.
How I eased my then-straight bf into our relationship is by inviting him to masturbate to straight porn together. play it off as guys do it all the time. see what his reaction is. If he oblige, offer mutual masturbation, by then u'd know if he's interested without outing yourself.
Good luck dude!

 

[racer2438]

next he is drunk in bed, start talking about be horny, and or spend a few more on him and get him more buzzed, see if that puts his wall down.

maybe it will start a j/o session for you and that may lead to other things..

 

[TX-Beau]

yeah, date rape, great game plan there.

Why not go straight to the rufies. Drugging him with the liquor just takes too long.


OK, you don't know if this guy is gay. Gay men have a nasty tendency to see through the eyes of wishful thinking - especially guys in the closet - who don't have any outlet for what they feel except their straight friend. Who always is described as having these vague, kinda nebulous "questionable," traits that really, don't look like anything to an outside eye.

No, it doesn't look like he's gay, could he be - sure, we don't know, all we know is what you tell us, and if that's the totality of your evidence, I say straight.

If he were actually doing anything that really says gay, you'd have pounced on that and analyzed it to death. Like you're doing above. You can spend your life playing these games with straight guys, you may even get one to let you suck his cock. But you're never going to get him to date you.

So if all you're after is the thrill of the chase, and some awkward, mediocre trophy sex, go for it, tell him you want his cock, but don't come back in here all surprised afterward when he's dropped you like a hot rock - 'cause you've been warned, straight guys will never be anything but maybe an infrequent blow job or two when the women won't put out, and closet cases will stab you in the back to protect their lie.

Yes you do know what to do, you just don't want to do it. I suspect you want us to tell you to go for it.

Go for it, it's not like you're going to stop anyway, and I'm starting to think that guys who are doing what you're doing are just going to have to live through it before they figure out that it's far less work, and far more rewarding to perv after guys who actually want you, who don't have closet case issues, and who aren't a clueless straight boy about to get blindsided.

 

[backpacker]

Taking advantge of someone who is drunk is not a good idea. If he does something while drunk that he regrets the next day, it could really screw up your friendship. The best thing to do is come out to him, but ask him to keep it to himself. Blame it on your parents. Once he knows about you, the ball will be in his court. Good luck!

 

[KaraBulut]

Alright, so a bit of back ground information first and then my situation. So I don't like to label myself but I guess I'm a pan-sexual/bi-sexual. I am not 'out' and I have never been with a guy before. I do plan on coming out once I'm independent (Currently 18 and studying, can't come out because i rely on my homophobic parents to survive.)...

Anyway my issue is that i don't know what to do? Do i follow my heart and make a move and accept that he might not be gay and expose my sexuality. Or do I bury my feelings and wait for him to make the move? Or was him trying to sleep in my bed and mention how horny he gets after drinking his move that I missed?

There's two issues here.

Is he gay/bi/curious? If you want to know, ask. It's not like you're asking if he has a scat fetish or he's gerbiling.

If he's going to gay bars, he's at least gay friendly. It's a perfectly normal to ask if he's every "fooled around with a guy" or if he's at least curious about what it would be like.

You're trying to have it both ways. You want to be "pan-sexual" and you want to know if your friend is curious or bi but you won't come clean yourself. When you're open, guys are more likely to be open with you.

General rule is if you want your friends to respect you and remain your friend, you don't take advantage of them and you don't make unwanted moves on them. It's a great way to fuck up a friendship.

Friendships last forever. Washboard abs do not. Don't sacrifice the former for a few hours with the latter.

 

[TX-Beau]

Listen to Kara.

I'll add that it's not being a friend if you drop your attractions on a guy who can't return them.

What's he supposed to do with that?

Come out by all means, but don't drop your feelings on his head. If he then tells you he's straight, or uninterested, go find someone else to hit on.

And I can tell you this, every time I've told a straight guy I was gay, he clarified his own status explicitly within the next five minutes.

There are few things more awkward and uncomfortable than some guy mooning after you who's attentions you don't want. Don't require that he deal with your feelings. That's selfish.

Next, you're young, so you probably aren't thinking this stuff through.

Say you tell him, say he gives you an answer. what then? Where does this go? What do YOU want to get out of it. How do you get there?

If he's straight, or tells you he is - which is effectively the same damn thing - where do you go from there?

If he tells you he's bi/gay, but uninterested in you, what are you going to do with that?

If he tells you he's interested and drops your jock, what kind of relationship are you looking for?

It's really easy to do the just sex kind of thing, and frankly that's the only way I'd ever touch a straight guy or a closet case, because I know that neither is any kind of viable prospect for any kind of actual relationship. With those kinds of guys, there is simply no opportunity for that, or there are so many issues that you're basically dead in the water before you start.

So what do you want? What are you looking for? If you're looking for affection and love, is this guy really a good candidate for that? No matter what his status?

Are you just feeling what you're feeling because there is no one else on the horizon? Or you are afraid to put yourself in the path of real opportunity?

What do YOU want, what are YOU really feeling, answer those questions and you'll know what to do.

Oh and yeah, you have no right to honesty from other people about their sexual orientation if you aren't going to be honest with them.

Come out - for yourself, then go look for your own happiness, if that includes him, the ball's in his court, and if he never takes you up on it, well - it never would have worked anyway.

 

[altlover85]

You should come out as bi, ask him if he's bi, and then if he says he's not bi or doesn't act interested, move on and find someone that's actually interested.

You are only young once, why waste it on potential closet cases?

 

[Logic3]

I think I'm just going to bury my feelings. I don't want to destroy such a good friendship. Wait until I'm free of my parents and then come out to him. If he isn't interested I get it. I have found in the past that once I'm fairly certain that a guy is straight I lose any and all attraction to them. Thanks for the advice that wasn't about taking advantage of him, I'm not like that.

 

[Lube]

Is it such a good friendship if it can be so easily destroyed?

 

[Logic3]

@Lube: I was thinking worse case scenario, if i confess stuff and he isn't into it and rejects me it could ruin our friendship, i mean he is a great friend, I've know him my whole life, but i haven't got a clue how me might react to this.

@Loki81: I don't know, again I was think worse case scenario my parents find out. Possible beating/kicked out of home/never see them again. I know some people might be like "Good riddance" and it might not make sense but I do love my parents a lot and I don't want to loose them.

Also this isn't just a "Holy shit I want to fuck him bad"
Ive only ever loved two people before, him and this chick last year. I know I'm young and stuff, "I don't know what love is" but I really feel a different connection, it wouldn't even have to be sexual. I must sound like a massive creep/stalker but I really feel something for him.

Is that normal in gay relationships to physically and emotionally love someone or am I an immature brat?

 

[KaraBulut]

Is that normal in gay relationships to physically and emotionally love someone or am I an immature brat?

It's normal in any romantic relationship to physically and emotionally love someone.

 

[conrad]

Maybe it would help if you could rid yourself of some of your assumptions about him. Maintain your friendship and enjoy it without constantly trying to seduce him. Friends do have a way of becoming more than just friends and that is when sex can come about naturally.

You could ask yourself whether this is a relationship you would want to continue even if no sexual element ever emerges. Many of us have good friends we have lusted for but who have never shown that lust for us. It happens.

Ideally, you should reach a point where your desire and his desire match and you fall into each other's arms impatient to express your affection sexually.

A loving relationship is the best foundation for good and even fantastic sex. Cultivate that kind of attitude toward your friend and you may be pleasantly surprised when he chooses to bare his true feelings for you.

 

[evanrick]

yeah you dont want to push things. obviously he likes being around you, but you do not know why. if you ask him you probably wouldnt get an answer. i had the same "problem" with a guy i work with who would do all sorts of random things around me and still does. it really caught me off guard but im coming to see that its his way of expressing himself without being explicit or concrete. you know this guy likes you and you can probably continue to grow as good friends, and maybe something more (or maybe not!). rushing it wouldn't be good for either of you, and sometimes we like mystery. i also would listen to these other posts as it seems this situation happens a lot.

these guys are not "totally straight" but that doesnt make them "gay" either. there are so many variables to account for its not worth spending too much time deconstructing it like we are doing now! sometimes society puts us into odd situations and clearly that is where things are here.