Advice for university

[harryp23]

Hey, I've just signed up after being a lurker on here for sometime. I need some advice.

i'm going to university in a few weeks and i'm not out to anyone. People sometimes have questioned my sexuality and i have said i'm not gay. However, I know that i'm at least bi and probably but scared to admit that i'm gay. I want to meet/hook up with gay guys maybe get a boyfriend but i'm going to uni with a friend of mine (who sometimes i question his sexuality but it's probably just me). He isn't in the same halls, but i will meet up with him sometimes. I just don't know what to do. I want to be myself and meet guys, but I know that to do this I probably have to come out to my friend who I do trust but i'm scared that if he mentions it to someone back home. I know this seems annoying as you could say why don't i just come out to people at home if im willing to accept myself at uni, but aaah, i think you might understand, it's different.
I like guys i know i do and excuse my hornyness, want a guy fucking my ass and sucking my cock But i don't think i can unless i tell my friend

help! thanks!

 

[bankside]

It is different. I am out to my family, to colleagues at work, and to classmates and friends from university. I wonder if you can think of a reason why I should be entitled to that freedom but you shouldn't....I can't think of any reason at all.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, think about this, if you make a bunch of new friends at college that you tell that you're straight because you're afraid that the one friend from home will find out - you've just perpetuated the situation you're already in.

Now not only are you lying to the same people you were hiding from in the first place, but you've got a whole new group of people you have to hide from. How is that going to get you what you want?

You certainly can try to have your guy and your friendship and try and juggle. But you know, that's probably going to get old real fast.

How do you think your family might react if they found out you were gay? If you're in college the only real mitigation for not coming out would be your financial security.

If your family are fundie evangelists who will toss you out, you might have to wait, if they're not, you're the only one stopping you from being honest.

 

[Seasoned]

Who is/are the person(s) you are most afraid of coming out to? I'd suggest coming out to them and your friend and then going to school and being yourself. Whatever you decide my very best wishes to you.

 

[anchihiro]

If you feel ready to come out then university can be a good time to do so. We don't know how your friend would take the news, but if you do tell him then make it very clear to him that you are not ready to let people back home find out just yet.
Besides you can still come out to other people on campus with this friend not knowing. University is a big place.

 

[onetwothreefour]

you're the one that knows him, ask yourself if you think he'd be a total gossip about it even if you asked him not to be.

I'd like to think that most people, if directly told not to tell anyone, would be cool about it.

I agree. If he's your friend you kind of know whether he'll gossip or not. I had to make that judgment call when I was being protective of my identity. Some people you can just tell are not going to betray your trust, and some will. You can't predict with 100% certainty; although, I was fortunate enough to have family that I did and could trust entirely.

If you think that he will gossip, he's probably not the greatest first person to come out to anyway. Maybe you should start with someone you know you can trust. Does your family know? Is there someone in your family you trust would never betray your trust? Because although you have practical reasons for not wanting him to tell people back home, part of the reason you might want someone who won't tell is to give you a feeling that they understand you and care about what you're telling them and to them it's not just a piece of gossip that they're going to run around with. Do you really care if the people back home know? Maybe. But can you see how psychologically the idea of someone who can keep the secret to himself also provides you with the reassurance you are seeking? Sometimes the narratives and predicaments we set up for ourselves indicate what it is we truly are seeking, and for you it might be someone who will listen to you with no ulterior motive. That for that person you telling them you're gay is only about you, and not what that person can do with the information.

I hope you can find someone like that. Because even if other people ultimately end up knowing and gossiping, it will matter less if you have people you have had a good coming out to, people whom you trust and value.

 

[saymyname]

While I'm always one to promote just completely, totally coming out in this day and age... it sounds like another option for you is to simply sit down with your friend, tell him that you're at least bisexual, if not totally gay, but that you really aren't comfortable with anyone back home knowing yet, but since college is a new opportunity, you want to be out there, but just not back home. Ask him to politely keep this new information to himself... if he's a good friend, he'll understand, and listen.

 

[CHUCK905]

Hi Harry:
I'm usually not on the "everyone must come out of their closets IMMEDIATELY" bandwagon and generally believe everyone should do so in their own time in their own way.

HOWEVER, judging by your own last sentence <<I like guys i know i do and excuse my hornyness, want a guy fucking my ass and sucking my cock>> you pretty much know deep down, you're "at least bi," (I'd go with probably gay.)

Now if you're just entering uni I'd guess you're about 18. The average life expectancy in Western countries is about 78. Which leaves you, Harry, about 60 years of this miserable (self) deception in which you lie to friends and family and people you really care about and have sex furtively always afraid to get caught or found out. 60 years is a long time. Maybe you should find someone you trust, as has been suggested above, and begin by telling them. If you don't trust your "friend" then not him. Once you've opened up to one person it does become easier. Easier than living a lie.

 

[Lucas07]

Okay, I just graduated from university and ive said that if there's one thing that i should've done (when i had the chance / when questioned ), i would've just come out. Or told people casually as if it were no big deal.

Seriously, no one gives a shit. And if I were you, start your 'new' life as the person you are. No hiding. No pretention. Trust me, you'll make closer friends that way.

I went through most of college with a tiny amount of people knowing and they are the closest to me. It could've been a better experience for me if i were out to more people, but then again, it's already happened and i am who i am now.

I've been coming out to my friends recently, slowly. And you know what, all the paranoia and drama is just in our head. They really don't care, all of them are supportive. I had to convince some of them that i'm serious but it all went well. although at first there were some shouts and omg's and 'wait for a second while this sinks in' and 'are you kidding me? no shit' but in the end, we catch ourselves laughing more, talking about the things that we can't talk about before.

You have to 'give' to receive. And if you want to build good relationships and generally just have more fun during your college years, then you have to be brave and just be yourself.

I'm not telling you that you should do this, or tell the whole world about your love for cock. What I'm saying is, come out at your own time, i know this. Don't rush. First, come out to yourself. Then just man up and tell those you think are closest to you. Choose wisely. Build trust. Make friends. You'll be surpriesd that once you open up, they'll open up to you. I'm telling you this based on my own 'recent' experience, and i only hope that this can give you a better uni experience.

Good luck!

 

[CHUCK905]

^ Lucas07: much clearer (and kinder) than what I was trying to get across, but the same thoughts apply.

 

[Chardius]

As a current Student (grad school baby, WOOO!), there is a very easy step 1: Find the LGBT student group on campus and go to a meeting. I'd dare say that most universities have them, especially the public unis. They are there to provide the safe and comfortable atmosphere for your very situation. You also might look for an LGBT student support office/counseling center. Places full of literature and helpful staff members who could probably give you meeting times for the LGBT group.

My university is actually pretty Lesbian heavy (3 to 1 female to male ratio overall, Why the hell did I start here?), and so my student group hasn't been a good place to meet other single guys but who knows the one at your uni might.

I'm hesitant to offer further advice since others have covered that so well in the whole "tell my best friend" situation. Seriously though LGBT student groups are full of friendly people who have all been where you are right now.

EDIT:
Also just curious if you don't mind, What university?

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

I came out last year during my first semester in college. Best decision of my life. I certainly don't regret it. I became a lot closer to my friends and really grew to be comfortable in my own skin.

A true friend is going to respect that you don't want anyone else to know. You know him more than any of us. As he ever came to you and said '[Insert Name] told me not to tell anyone, but [insert secret]' ? If so then I can see why you would be worried, but then again maybe he isn't as close to them as you? You have to be the judge.

Whatever decision you follow I hope all goes well

 

[hylas]

you wanna fuck around without having to go through all that messy scary coming-out stuff, especially coming out to your family. i understand where youre coming from, i really do. but seriously, pull yourself together, stop being such a panzi, and come out already. it will make stuff so much easier, and by "stuff" i mean, amongst other things, hot hot sweaty gay sex.

 

[theplayerking]

A lot of people come out right after high school, or right after college, or right after grad school, or right after they move to another city, etc.? Why? Because it's easier to come out when you're surrounded by a completely new set of people.

It's harder to come out your junior year of college because everyone will say "What took you so long?"