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Advice: Married Bi guy going to Afghanistan

H

hardtobeat17

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So I am going to Afhganistan and have been married a few years. I have always been "bi" and I put that in quotations because there is absolutely no one that knows or would even suspect it besides the guys I have been with. Im only 23, I have been with about 10-15 guys some one-night stands and some a FWB arrangement. I play safe but I would like to have one EXCLUSIVE FWB/boyfriend while I am there. I do not know if this will affect my marriage when I return. Any thoughts or experiences to share to help me out?
 
of course it will affect your relationship, your cheating on your wife, with men during your military service. How would you feel, if your wife was having sex while you were away serving our country.
 
I know I am cheating on her but the alternative is coming out and telling people and that is not an option.
 
Actually, coming out, unless it endangers your life, is always an option. I was married to my ex-wife and had two children and cheated for a few years before coming out and leaving. Cheating took a toll on everyone involved, including some of my FWB. It's never as simple as we tell ourselves it is. I had all kinds of rationalizations, but didn't realize my selfishness until
I got honest.

Stay safe, in every meaning of that phrase, and good luck. Remember that life is short.
 
Did you not have a marriage ceremony with your wife? Did you not commit to being faithful to her and true? How does having sex with a man somehow excuse you from the vows you took with your wife? We're all men here and we love to have sex with other men, but you've made your decision to be in a marriage with a woman. That's a serious commitment.

If you want to have sex with men while you're in Afghanistan, then I hope you've told your wife about it and that you're bisexual. If not, then you have no right to betray her unless you expect her to be filling her own orifices with other men's cock.
 
hardtobeat17 said:
I do not know if this will affect my marriage when I return. Any thoughts or experiences to share to help me out?
Click to expand...

Too late...it's already been effected. When you cheat on someone, you are not just cheating sexually. You are betraying them in your heart and mind. She just doesn't know it yet.

So, tell us, why exactly did you get married?
 
w t f. why did you even get married in the first place? Just because you're "bi" doesn't give you the right to cheat and call it "experimenting".
 
hardtobeat17 said:
I do not know if this will affect my marriage when I return. Any thoughts or experiences to share to help me out?
Click to expand...

Keeping in mind that this area is a no-flame zone...

There's several underlying questions in your post. The first question is whether you're in the military or whether you're a private contractor. If you're in the military, it would be very difficult to carry on a relationship with a man while in the military. And Afghanistan is not exactly a progressive place when it comes to homosexual conduct, so while there might be the possibility of a relationship with a local Afghani, it would be very difficult to find opportunities for privacy.

The other question is whether this will affect your marriage. Infidelity always affects committed relationships. Add the complication that you're in a heterosexual marriage but want to have an ongoing sexual relationship with a man and it really puts your family in a very unfair situation.

We all have to make difficult decisions about commitments that we've made. If you want to be married to a woman, then it's unfair to have this other life that distracts from the commitment that you've made there. If your need for sex with a man is such that you cannot be without it, then it's time that you really gave thought to why you're in a marriage to a woman.
 
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Yes you can get a boyfriend and fuck around on your wife. And as everyone else and you even acknowledge, it is simply infidelity. And not fair to the woman you married.

Or you could tell her that you are a bisexual and ask for her permission to bang other guys. Maybe she'll be cool with it.
 
I don't get this callous assumption that just because it's a different gender, it makes the cheating somehow "not a big deal". You already don't have a relationship with your wife if that's the way you think about the subject.

And I don't believe you're bi.
 
I know I am cheating on her but the alternative is coming out and telling people and that is not an option.
Click to expand...

First up - I'm really sorry man. I'm sorry that you're in this situation, I'm sorry that you're dealing with this...you have my sympathies. You're still young and still figuring things out. The number one biggest thing, though, is not to tell yourself you're "stuck". You always have choices. You may not like the options you have on the table, but if you think about things from different perspectives, I think you'll get some clarity.

As others have pointed out, if things were reversed and your wife decided she wanted to try having secret sex with women and not tell you about it...you'd be really hurt. And there's the issue of safe sex...even when you're trying to be safe, it's possible to catch something and then pass that onto your spouse. I'm pretty sure you don't want to do that to your wife...but since you said you've already have numerous one-night stands, I think you're in a bit of denial.

I mean, you're mentally hoping that you'll get a boyfriend while in Afghanistan - process that for a second. You're actively, intentionally saying you want to have an intimate, on-going relationship with a man. And you're asking us if we think that will have an affect on your marriage. I think you're smart enough to know the answer is yes.

It's not about whether you love your wife or not - it's about whether you want to be free to have sex and relationships with other people, or whether you only want her. It doesn't sound like you only want her, man. It sounds like you want to be single. Because you're living the single life already, in secret. If you let her go on thinking she's married to someone, you're fooling her and hurting her, and that's not right.

I get that there is this "story" out there for bi men - that they can live with a wife for 40+ years, but have their secret gay adventures on the side, and everything works out okay. But the question is whether or not you respect yourself and your wife enough to lie and deceive both of you like that.

At this point, you've already cheated, and told yourself it was okay, so long as you didn't tell your wife. You're not respecting her at all, and so...I think you need to tell her. I think you've already decided you're going to cheat in Afghanistan, and she shouldn't be stuck here, thinking you're Mister Terrific and probably hating herself for feeling sexually unfulfilled in your absence. Be a real man, be honest with her, and tell her now. You've already done damage to her that you're not facing up to yet.

The only way you're ever going to feel good about yourself is if you treat this woman - the one who pledged her life to you - with enough respect to fess up that you're bi and have cheated, and then let her think about it and process it.

Remember how you said "Telling her is not an option"? Well, what you're really saying there is "I want to have my wife and my "marriage" and my gay affairs and lie about it and never get caught and let everyone think I'm this honest, devoted hero of a husband." That's not the truth. I'm not saying that to be a jerk, but it's really not the truth.

If you want to be an honest person, if you want to start making up for all the lies, if you want to a real hero...tell her now. Yes, she will hate you and she will be upset and confused...but most importantly, you'll be freeing yourself up from a life of running around, being afraid of getting caught as someone in the closet.

Speak to a therapist if you can before you go. I think you're really in denial about the choices you're making and need to have someone to talk to who isn't in your life and won't judge you. In short: you need some help, man.

And again - I'm not judging you. I don't know you, and you're going to make up your own mind about what's right and what's wrong and what's acceptable to you. I just think you'll be a lot happier when you own the fact that you're bi, and when you can have sex and know that it's totally okay.
 
And I'm going to reiterate this, in case it wasn't clear: There is nothing wrong with you for being bi. You being bi is not a problem.

All the problems that will come out of you being a bi (or gay) man stem from you believing it's a problem, hiding it, lying to everyone and endangering the people you supposedly care most about. If you had never gotten married, think about it - you'd be dating girls and guys, having sex when you felt it was right, and things would be fine. No one could tell you there was anything wrong with you, because you wouldn't believe it. You'd be seeing what makes you happy and learning from your experiences and owning who you are. Not saying "It has to happen only in Afghanistan where no one will ever find out!!" <---- doesn't that sound kind of crazy?

You're acting out of shame right now. Like the obese person who hides junk-food in their house, but always eats the salad around friends and family. A healthy person eats their salads and their ice cream in front of friends and family, in a balanced way, because they are OKAY with themselves and their eating habits.

You aren't okay with your sexuality, and you want it to exist in this hyper controlled way, in these brief little affairs. It's a part of who you are as a person. It's already a part of your life. You're already having sex with men. Don't you want to be able to do that without it threatening to destroy your reputation?

And if after you've told your wife, she says she wants a divorce and she hates you or whatever - that won't be because you are bi. Being bi doesn't doom you to misery and isolation. The Lying and the Cheating and the Planning To Lie and Cheat Some More does. So think it all over and do come back here if you need to talk it out some more. That's what these forums are for...
 
Unfortunately, he has not logged in since May 10th. I hope he continues to stop in and read this great advice posted in this thread. There's an opportunity for him to make this right with himself and his family.
 
Take my advice and respect the laws of the land however you feel about them. So lay of the booze and boys.
 
Are you sure you are not gay rather than Bi? A lot of young guys can perform with either, but as they grow older they realize that they prefer one sex, and eventually find it harder to perform with the other. I suspect that you are finding that you prefer gay sex. In that case, you really should tell your wife. She will probably begin to think of divorce. Are you sure that is not what you are really moving toward?
 
wait. are you in the army? is that why you're going to Afghanistan?
 
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