Advice Needed for Coming Out (Strategy / Protocol / Etiquette)

[ricardomon]

Hi All,

I turned 27 about a month ago, and although I am currently in the closet, I feel like I am ready and want to change that. So I am looking for some advice / suggestions from those who have gone before me.

It is important to mention that I have Social and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so I really don't like any sort of confrontations. It's not that I expect anyone to react badly, in fact I have an openly gay brother, so I already know how relatives and family friends will react. It is not really the subject that makes nervous. I'd probably feel just as nervous if I was straight, and I had to tell people I had a new girlfriend, for example. (Just to be really clear, I don't have a boyfriend; that's not a factor in why I feel like it is time to be honest)

Honestly, throwing it up on Facebook would be the easiest thing to do; but I don't think it is the best way to go. I can imagine that it would hurt my parents' feelings if that's how they found out. So I am trying to find some balance and gauge who I really need to tell in person and who can just find out from someone else or from something like Facebook.

I really appreciate any suggestions or bits of wisdom from your own experience.

Many Thanks,
Stephen

 

[KaraBulut]

Start with your closest friends- the ones that you expect to support you. Then tell that family members who you feel should know and who should hear it from you.

Once you've done that, then Facebook and word-of-mouth for everyone else... because ultimately, you shouldn't give a rat's ass what anyone other than your close friends and family think about your sexuality.

One thing worth mentioning: once you've told a couple of your closest friends, it gets a lot easier each time thereafter.

 

[Seasoned]

In terms of your family, why not tell your brother first, followed by your parents?

Best wishes to you and congrats on getting to this point.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Stephen,

Good to hear that you have made the decision to tell others that you are gay. I was wondering about the relation between your openly gay brother and the rest of your family (and friends). Is he a younger brother, or is he an older brother? Do you live by yourself, or together with your family? Do you have any fear that your family will react in an adverse way? How is your relation with your openly gay brother?

Seasoned and KaraBulut gave good suggestions. First tell your family (and some close friends), and afterwards it does not matter very much (e.g., by change your status on Facebook [can be done 'only for yourself' or 'only for my friends' or 'for anyone', as you will be aware].

You might also tell your family (and friends!) that they don't need to hide to others that you are gay. An easy way that others will also become aware that you are gay.

Good luck and feel free to react. Please be aware that you don't need to answer my questions when you feel yourself not comfortable to answer them.

Take care & best wishes.

 

[ricardomon]

Thanks to all those who have given advice so far!

In response to your questions Ganoderma:

- My openly gay brother is 8 years older than I am; I am the youngest of 5 sons, he is the 2nd oldest.

- I still live with my parents. One of my other brothers lives here, too, but it is not my openly gay brother. It is not that I couldn't afford living in my own place; there is just really not an advantage at this point to have my own place.

- It is kinda hard to answer your question about fearing that they will react adversely. I do not have any fear that they would shun me or anything like that. I am more worried that they might feel offended, for lack of a better word, that I am waiting until now to tell them.

- I'm not exactly sure what benchmark I should use to rate me relation with my gay brother. I would say that it is good; he is the brother that I am the 2nd closest to. There have been some rocky periods; never due to his orientation, he is a recovering alcoholic. Like many people, he had a very difficult time coming to terms with being gay and coming out. He doesn't talk very much about being gay. For example, if I asked to talk to him about his being gay, I don't think he would be very receptive/enthusiastic. However, I am sure if I went to him and said that I was gay and I needed to talk to him, he would be very supportive.

Thanks again.

 

[Craiger]

I'm not so sure your parents would be offended by your late acceptance of being gay. I think many times parents are much more aware than we give them credit. They may have never said anything because it does not matter what your orientation is, what matters is that they love you for who you are, not for what you are. I think Seasoned is right in his advice. Tell your parents you have realized that you are attracted to guys and hope they are not disappointed in your choice. This will give them the chance to express their love and support for you, which I am sure will be forthcoming. Your gay brother may also be proud that you have sought his advice which could bring the two of you much closer. Good luck, Stephen, in whatever choice you make and let us know how it all plays out.

Craiger

 

[dragon08]

I think a good idea would be to write a letter, that's what I did. I handed it to them in person and just asked them to read it till the end before they said anything. I don't have social anxiety or anything but I feel like I can only convey exactly what I want to say in writing. I think it would take some of the pressure off of you. Plus you don't worry while you write it, and the hardest part is handing it to them.

Also if you are at the "I don't give a damn" point then just tell your parents, siblings, and closest friends then do a Facebook update thing.

 

[ricardomon]

I told both of my parents and it went really well. I don't have any great sense of relief or feel like it is going to be any easier to tell other, yet. I know those will come in time and am looking forward to that. My main focus right now is to not to get overwhelmed thinking of all the people I'll have to tell, and instead just take everything a step at a time.

Thanks again.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Stephen,

Great to read that you have told both of your parents that you are gay, and nice to hear that all went well. I tend to think that things will not change too much, as you don't have a history with girls / girlfriends (or even a marriage with a wife). Its very good you were honest to your parents, and that its now clear for them that you are interested in guys. I would not bother too much about telling this to alot of other people. You can also use your parents as some sort of intermediar. So they can inform some of your other relatives, but only if you don't mind if they do this for you.

Please be aware that you really don't need to tell anyone around you in a personal conversation that you are gay. You can restrict yourself to some very close friends / relatives, and tell them that it is no secret (so they can also tell others that you are gay). On top of that, you can just make some sort of announcement on Facebook (eg a change of your status, all up to you).

Good luck, and good you have told this to your parents.

Take care (and also thanks alot for answering my questions).