Advice needed on this boyfriend. PLease.

[KingofJungle]

I am a man in late 20s, and I have a boyfriend of three years. It has been the first long term relationship for both if us, and it is good relationship so far: we get along extremely well, we have travelled together a lot in US and in Europe, plus his parents like me a lot. I support him financially sometimes, but I also do enjoy his career: he is an organist/ classical music professional and it is quite a treat to get to attend concerts that otherwise I would not attend. After about a two year of dating, I gave up my apartment and moved in with him.

The problem comes with our sex life. Initially, it was great, doing it may be two times a week, and now it has slowed down to once a month, even that with a fight. or with begging. Part of me came to accept that as "he is a low-libido person". But also, in the course of this relationship, each time things in bedroom go south, I discover he has been cheating, or was planning to. It has happened twice. First time he wanted to sleep with my friend, and my friend turned him down and told me. Second time he confessed that he has brought some people in the apartment and had "masturbation" with them.

And now this month I noted things were back to low-libido mode, and after careful detective work, through his facebook account, I noted he had some relationship/ chats/ whatever with some men from "grindr", a cellphone application. Some of them he befriended in facebook. I asked him about it and he "tearfully" explained that: he never enjoyed gay sex life at all, and he wants to keep these relationships with random men to make him satisfied (e.g. he said he masturbates when people call him cute in grindr. But that's all, he plans never to meet with them). Also, I found a pack of condom in his drawers (note: we are both STD-negative and on his insistence, we dont use condom for sex). So what were these condoms doing there?

I am very confused. Seriously. Is this cheating? Based on the past two episodes of cheating/ near-cheating, should I ignore this? I partly feel I cant trust him anymore (especially with all diseases roaming around). I also feel he wants me for social/ financial reasons but not for romantic reasons. Will I be wrong to think so?

Thanks guys.

 

[hotatlboi]

I'm not sure I understand, why is he in a gay relationship if he "never enjoyed gay sex"?

And cheating is often a pretty common reason for a lack of desire in the bedroom with a partner.

Sounds like some compatibility issues here.

 

[Rolyo85]

Um, so why are you still with him if he tried to cheat on you once, and then cheated a second time? Why is his sorry ass not out the door? What's the confusion here?

 

[sixthson]

If you really were king of the jungle, his carcass would be hanging from the highest tree.

How can you say you have a good relationship with someone so untrustworthy? The only way once a month sex is acceptable is if you are both agreeable to that. As it is now, he has more sex with other guys, including online masturbation than he has with you.
Why do you tolerate that kind of shit?

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB.

It seems as if there are some big issues here and they have to do with secrets. Couples are free to define how they wish to construct their relationship, but the main feature has to be honesty and the same rules or parameters for both. Many people seem to want to control their partner while doing whatever they please themselves. Those people don't deserve a partner.

We should all strive to play fair and if we need/want something on the side we ought to have the courage to say so, allowing our partner to chose to stay or go and have the same rules apply to them.

Your boyfriend sounds like a chronic cheater. Healthy relationships don't require detectives. That only wears us down and leads to control and co-dependency. Relationships ought to be, at least at times, joyous unions, not prisons.

You'll make your own decision, but if we were friends having a coffee right now and I was sure I understood your description of your relationship, I'd advise you to look for someone who would give you what you want/need.

Best of luck to you.

 

[HunterM]

Kick his ass out the door already.

 

[Georgiadude]

He doesn't have "low libido". He's getting all the sex he needs with other guys. You've clearly busted him in the past and he's fallen back into his old habits. Cheaters cheat. Basically you've become his financial support. I'd cry too if I knew I was about to lose my money maker. His excuses are sad & pathetic. He's not only cheating on you but he's playing you for a fool. If finding condoms doesn't wake you up. nothing will.

He's convinced you to stay in the past. This time don't fall for his b.s. Obviously you can't and wisely should not trust him. Get away from this guy. FAST.

Steven

 

[Slave4UBB]

Don't waste your time on him, man.

 

[Eagle653]

Is this cheating? Based on the past two episodes of cheating/ near-cheating, should I ignore this? I partly feel I cant trust him anymore (especially with all diseases roaming around). I also feel he wants me for social/ financial reasons but not for romantic reasons. Will I be wrong to think so?

Thanks guys.

No, you would not be wrong to think so.

I think you need to do some soul-searching reflecting on this. You have a lot of time and emotional energy invested in this man. He has qualities that attracted you in the first place, and those qualities still exist. Yet, he also has some qualities that you didn't know about, namely, a desire to get it on with other guys in a more anonymous (and less committed) setting.

In some ways, he's being selfish. He could also be self-centered. But, I suspect he's more confused and self-loathing. Unfortunately, you are stuck in the vortex of all of his conflicted feelings.

At the end of the day, you deserve love and respect. You deserve to have your feelings respected and to trust and be trusted. He may not be the right person for that--at least at this stage of his life. Would I throw him out? I don't know--it's always easier to throw out someone ELSE's partner. I would, however, set some ground rules that you feel are important. Perhaps that's done by an outside mediator like a counselor. Perhaps it's something you two can agree to (if you trust him). Either way, don't be a doormat and feel you need to put up with whatever behavior strikes him.

So, decide what's sacred to you and not negotiable in terms of trust and honesty. Convey that to him and mean it. Be prepared, though, that he may not be able to live up to what you feel is critical to an ongoing relationship. And, be prepared to what you're going to do in the event he can't and be comfortable--and firm with that.

Now is the time to take a stand, for your own dignity and happiness. Don't be a doormat. He's got a good thing in you, and if he feels that's in jeopardy, he may shape up. In not, you go separate ways, but at least you know.

Good luck and let us know what happens.