Advice needed! :)

[benlemieux2003]

Hey guys!

I'm in a situation that is making me both excited and nervous, both very hopeful and very scared. It's gonna be a long post so I thank you for reading it through.

For years, there was always a guy on my mind. I defined myself solely through the person I had a current interest in, and all my actions were controlled by that desire, that need to be with someone. I fell in love with my straight friends, like everyone here, and it hurt like hell even though they were 200% supportive. It led me to date guys off the net, and it gave me enough bad experiences to create an entire net thread. Long story short, none of the guys I dated gave me anything good, and the longest "relationship" I had was barely four months long.

Two years ago I hit rock bottom. I realized I had never gotten over my (straight) best friend, and that by doing so, I had put my future, my well-being in the hands of perfect strangers just to escape the fact I could never have my best bud.

After three months of isolation and reflexion, I nursed my wounds and I came out of the hole I had digged for myself, knowing myself fully, ready to live life to the maximum. I made peace with all the bad stuff that had happened to me and I looked forward to the bright future ahead of me, a future based on reason and personal strength. My foundations took root and I could definitely feel it.

During that time I became quite versed in my field of work, earning a very good reputation with the establishment, earning promotion one after the other, taking all opportunities and getting respect from very important people. It wasn't long before they sent me traveling the world to represent my organization. My family was super supportive, my friends (whom I had loved in the past) had restored balance to our friendship and on top of that, I was seeing what the world really was about. Never felt happier in my life, and that's pretty much where I'm at.

Last summer, while on a business trip, I met a colleague from Europe at one of our international events and we clicked instantly as buddies. Insane how similar we are interest-wise, values, ideals and other weird things. We hung out for a good week, then we eventually found out about each other (I'm gay, he's bi). One night when we were fairly relaxed after drinking, he offered me to sleep together. Even though I really wanted to, I turned down his offer mainly for two reasons: he had a long-distance girlfriend at the time (even though they were in a "open relationship" and was about to break up with her because he thought he was more gay than bi) and because I felt it would just be a "rush and botch" type of opportunity I wasn't ready to waste on him.

A month later he broke up with his girlfriend and we've been in touch weekly, talking via webcam on Skype. He told me quite a few times that he really wanted to kiss me on the last night we were together, and flirted with me in different manners. So from that time on I really knew he still had something for me, and well, me for him as well.

We're meeting together in Europe for an event in two weeks and the excitement to see each other is very palpable. Not only that, but he's also booked tickets to come and visit me for nine days in February.

Here's the thing though. I do have a problem with long distance stuff; I really don't think I could do that. The other issue is that he still has obligations in Europe for at least 1 year and half, and even then I'm not too sure what it implies, if he'd even be willing to move here after all this.

It's so hard because I like him very much and it's a pretty mutual thing... I have NO idea what to do or what to tell him about how I feel because I don't want to pressure him but at the same time I really want to let him know I really care about him and that I could see it working in the long run...

Your advice would be VERY welcome. Thanks guys

 

[backpacker]

Couldn't you give us an easier problem?

My experience is that the only long distant relationships that work are ones that didn't start that way. The separation usually has some known duration and both agree to make it work. This may include someone going away to school, a job transfer or moving to assist elderly parents in poor health. My advice would be to remain friends or keep a causal relationship. You should only turn this into a serious relationship if and when there is a definite agreement for the two of you to live in the same city. Good luck!

 

[3nipples]

Ordinarily I wouldn't worry too much about the distance or his continuing obligations as far as moving into a sexual relationship, but I would avoid any committed relationship unless it had a chance of the two of you living together.

If the two of you are colleague as in you both work for the same employer, then I would caution you about moving beyond friendship unless you were really, really sure and the distance thing and that both of you are lacking in experience (of I'm reading this right) would make it a nogo for me.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I have the impression that you may be worrying far too much about the future that may or equally so, may not materialize.

See, your friend used to live in an 'open relationship' with his GF. Maybe (just maybe) he might be into suggesting that this would be his choice with you, too. Would you accept anything of the kind to start with?

I have no doubt that there is a sense of romance and tension here. m2m sex is a complex issue. No matter how hard you/or he may try, the issue of compatibility is still a moot point. Not everybody is meant to be with everybody else.

Corporate world is changing. Careers are launched into stardom overnight only to wither and wane the next month. You want to be cautious about this aspect, too.

My advice, for whatever it may be worth: enjoy your time with your friend. Explore the possibilities and options. Allow yourself to live in present tense, if you will, ever so often and allow the future to come to you in its own time.

SC

 

[benlemieux2003]

Thanks for the advice guys.

Here's the deal. I certainly don't want to pressure him into making drastic changes for me, like, well switching continents, at this time.

Basically what I'm trying to do is to tell him I find him interesting and that I could see something in the long run, but that for now due to our obligations and distance we're probably better off as buddies and have a good time as such.

It's just hard because I don't want to make it sound like a commitment, just like an option later on, and at the same time I don't want to make him feel he makes me indifferent!!

 

[KingofFaeries]

I suggest you say this

Basically what I'm trying to do is to tell him I find him interesting and that I could see something in the long run, but that for now due to our obligations and distance we're probably better off as buddies and have a good time as such.

Just tell him how you feel, ask him how he feels about yall's connections, and then the two of you work how/if a relationship of any sort would work between the two of you.

As to the possibilities of his moving for you, don't forget that in a relationship there are two people, would you consider moving for him?

 

[benlemieux2003]

I think I'm gonna wait till February when he comes to visit (after a few days) I'll tell him I think.