Advice Needed

[droydUK]

Probably an age old problem, and please hold the judgement, ill try keep it short.

8 months ago started chatting to a partnered guy, call him Bob, he was down as his fella was cheating on him and was very controlling. We got to know each other, became friends, met up got closer as friends. Saw he become happy again. Inevitable happened, we fell for each other, fell in love, then further down line sex started.

Months went nice, then started talk of leaving his fella, they have house together and all that, his fella remained cheating yet Bob didn't ever confront him as he had no back bone with this guy. Then I tell him he has to do something, few months pass get closer but then I get drunk one night, send a message whilst hes asleep, his fella finds out about us two, kind of. He tells his fella we just blew each off a few months back and since we've just been friends. Then Bob tells me cant leave his fella, too scared of the risks. I get upset, nothing dramatic though, but tell him cant speak any more. Day after he messages, I tell him we can be friends. Goes nicely enough. Until he starts messages saying he misses me and has made wrong choice. brush over it, I want to beg for him back but figure that would make things harder for him so I just tell him he will be fine.

Then two days ago we end up having sex, great as ever, he tells me he loves me half way through, i just ignored it, tells me after, once again brush over.

I love this fella and I don't know what to do. I suppose I'm only young but ive already been married before and I know the difference between a school crush and genuine feelings. I don't know if I'm living in hope that he leaves his fella still despite I'm trying to make Bob feel like I'm moving on and just want him as a friend.

 

[HunterM]

Bob is not leaving his fella. He loves to play with you on the side. He's afraid to leave due to the financial risks involved with his partner. He does not have a backbone to stand up for himself. Unless you can provide equal or better financial support for Bob, like a house, etc, he is not leaving his fella.

You should tell him no more sex until he breaks it off with his fella. Meanwhile you should move on...because he's not leaving.

Good luck man!

 

[Seasoned]

Relationships aren't over until they're over and even then they may not be over. He may eventually leave his guy and may even use you as a transitional person until he makes up his mind on what to do next. He needs to make decisions without having you as a distraction. There's an arbitrary rule of thumb that says people in transition ought to take a year before making important decisions. Your guy is not even into transition and he won't be until he breaks up with his bf. Let him make his decision without you. It's your choice whether or not you wish to continue the affair, but if you do don't expect him to commit to you. I'd move on to find someone who's free to commit to you.

 

[Rolyo85]

I will point out that whether the other guy was cheating or not (which btw you don't know for a fact), helping someone cheat for months is degrading. This is not a healthy situation, and unless "Bob" leaves the first guy, it won't go anywhere.

 

[AngolaZee]

Move on, if he REALLY loved you he would be with you. He loves the sex you give him not you. You shouldn't have gotten involved in the fist place. Just let it go or you will waste a period of your life being strung along. You are the "mistress" here, is that really what you want? He's just using you to get back at his cheating men, how? Bob gets cheated on, feels unworthy, unloved, hence Bob looks for something to make him feel worthy and loved again (affirmation). Thats all you are an affirmation, he was just waiting for you to say "I love you too" Good thing you held back coz he would have just gotten a kick out of it and still gone back to his real boo

 

[Georgiadude]

I will point out that whether the other guy was cheating or not (which btw you don't know for a fact), helping someone cheat for months is degrading. This is not a healthy situation, and unless "Bob" leaves the first guy, it won't go anywhere.

exactly what I was thinking when I was reading the OP. Bob wasn't exactly being faithful and you were ok helping him. This is a no flame zone so you wont get blasted too badly but your not innocent in this either.

As others have stated he's pretty much made it clear that your his fall back guy. He's safe and comfortable where he's at. Your on the back burner and that is where you will remain. He's playing you for a fool and your letting him. How many times did Bob tell his bf he loves him and he's sorry for blowing you off a few months back. If your ok being treated like a used shoe then by all means stay with him. Otherwise walk away from this with what little dignity and self respect you have left. No more friends, no more sex, nothing. Walk away dude, because he wont.


Steven.

 

[HunterM]

One more thing...Bob cheated his partner with you because he has problems in his relationship with his partner. He does not seem to regret his actions. Even if he breaks it off with his fella and runs into your arms, what makes you think he wouldn't cheat on you with other men in town? Are you fine with that?

 

[droydUK]

I feel now we have broke up we have carried on with what we were doing before, a little less, which was mostly chatting, but just not as a couple.

I think what I'm feeling is, I'd rather be messed around than loose all contact with this guy, but at same time part of me wants rid. I have never felt like this for a person before, not even the guy I married. Oh well I guess.

 

[jaysizzles]

I don't know how you can expect to move forward in your life and future relationships if a guy you're still in love with remains in the picture...all while he continues to be with another man. He'll suck you back into his drama as soon as he hits a rough patch with his guy, he'll fuck you and then in turn give you more excuses why he can't be with you. There you'll remain in limbo...wasting your time.

Get some distance from him. Get on with your life and perhaps one day when you've gained some perspective and a handle on your feelings, you can decide to be friends again with him. Now is too soon tho.