The Original Gay Porn Community - Free Gay Movies and Photos, Gay Porn Site Reviews and Adult Gay Forums

  • Welcome To Just Us Boys - The World's Largest Gay Message Board Community

    In order to comply with recent US Supreme Court rulings regarding adult content, we will be making changes in the future to require that you log into your account to view adult content on the site.
    If you do not have an account, please register.
    REGISTER HERE - 100% FREE / We Will Never Sell Your Info

    PLEASE READ: To register, turn off your VPN (iPhone users- disable iCloud); you can re-enable the VPN after registration. You must maintain an active email address on your account: disposable email addresses cannot be used to register.

  • The Support & Advice forum is a no-flame zone.
    The members offering support and advice do so with the best intention. If you ask for advice, we don't require you to take the advice, but we do ask that you listen and give it consideration.

Advice On Cheating

swerve

swerve

Slippery When Wet
Joined
May 16, 2004
Posts
12,843
Reaction score
4
Points
0
Location
Los Angeles
Website
tedg99.wordpress.com
My suggestion would be to NOT tell your partner...

I would also acknowledge the fact that I screwed up -- and then I would forgive myself and continue with the monogamous relationship...

I don't like the idea of keeping secrets in a relationship -- but I don't see any upside in telling him...

If you DON'T feel like you screwed up -- I would suggest ending the relationship entirely...

jmo...

:):):)
 
your text requires a rewrite... you DID love him. the moment you became unfaithful was the moment you did not respect, appreciate or admire your boyfriend.

it's not fair that you keep what you've done should be kept a secret. it's not fair to him. a relationship requires honesty and trust... so if you are in a relationship with him you must share what you've done.

you should feel regret in all honesty. the second your eyes got lost in someone else would have been an appropriate time to tell your boyfriend that you began feeling a "disconnect" with him.

i hope you tell your boyfriend. i know the feeling of betrayal, and while it remained protected under darkness for awhile it eventually came to light.
 
I disagree with strosbuff88. In fact I ACTIVELY disagree with him. Human emotions are extremely complex things, and there are moments in life when we don't have complete control over our actions and do stupid stuff.

That said, cheating is betrayal of the REALLY bad kind. Personally, I don't think I could stay with someone if they did it to me. BUT at the same time, if things are good now, and if you do NOT feel the urge to repeat it, then I also think not telling him is the better option. None of us (and I will assume none of you two) here is 7 anymore, and "complete" and "utter" honesty is a thing of the past. If your bf will not be able to get over your cheating, you should not tell him, and just move on. Yes, it was a horrible thing to do, but it's in the past and you should not dwell on it.

If, however, you feel like doing it again, then I'd say end the relationship - it's obviously not doing it for you.


But omg, what kind of person does not want sex for 3 months?! @_@
 
I think you will find guys who hold views on both sides of the confession issue and I can understand both sides.

To withhold this from your partner seems to be a continuation of betrayal of trust because there is forever a secret you are keeping from him.If it eats away at you, it is likely to eat away at your relationship at some point.

On the other hand, if you hurt him more by telling him, you have compounded his pain. In the process of unburdening yourself, you are placing the burden all on him.

I do have to say, however, I am always concerned about the ability of someone who has cheated once not to cheat again. Especially if there are ongoing problems in the relationship. From your short post, I don't get a real sense of deep remorse for hurting the person you are supposed to love most in the world.

Good luck. I think you are going to need it.
 
Hi Dannyclouds,

Somehow, you ask us a difficult question, as 'cheating' has alot to do with moral issues of people.

Using the word 'cheating' already makes clear that you classify 'sex with another one then the one you are committed with' as something 'negative' / something which is 'not done' or something like that.

I have no idea about your age and 'general background', but there are people / cultures where it is considered very normal to have another person for sex, when this is not possible with the one you are committed to.

I tend to advise you to be open to your guy, and tell him all what has passed and why you had the wish to enjoy sex with another guy. Some people cannot cope with this at all, for others its no big deal at all. He is 'your guy' and I tend to think that partners must be open to each other. That's the only way how a relationship can survive in the long run?

You did not provide us with an insight why your mate did not want to have sex with you for a period of 3 months. On the one hand, you don't need to tell this at all. On the other hand, people might give you better advise if they know more about the circumstances.

You might also think along the line that there are couples (straight as well as gay) where the partner who is incapable to have sex for 3 months (for whatever reason) just tells his 'mate' that he/she is free to seach for another one for nsa sex / some physical pleasure etc.

Hm, i don't really know if this vague ideas are helpful.
 
If I understand your question correctly - whether you SHOULD terminate the relationship due to having cheated, regardless of your own wishes - then the answer is definitely NO. You don't owe it to him or yourself to end your relationship, and I don't think you are morally obliged to either. Like I said - if you think he can take the truth, share it with him. It's always better when you don't have secrets with each other. If he won't be able to deal though, and it will certainly put an end to something you cherish, then no, don't tell him. If you think you can have an honest and satisfying relationship with this person from now on, then let the past be past.

But again - are you sure you won't do it again when you guys have problems again? Cause if that's your natural response to having problems with your bf, then you're probably not a good match.


Edit: Sorry, posted at the same time as you.

WTF?! "We'll get back to having sex"? How old is this guy? And what kind of baggage is he caring?
 
I like Ganoderma -- but I DON'T like his response to your question...

There are a LOT of venereal diseases out there -- and imo -- it is NOT fair to EXPOSE your partner to them when he isn't knowledgeable NOR participating in the FUN...

Just wanted to add that... :lol:

Good luck dude -- you seem like a GOOD guy!!! ..|

:):):)
 
The issue here is not the cheating, believe it or not. It's the lack of communication that caused lapse in being sexual for three months without explanation. If you are serious about a relationship with him which will continue indefinitely you need, in my opinion, to seek couples counseling immediately.

What are you going to do when he cheats, get all huffy? What are you going to do the next time he cuts you off?
 
Rolyo85 said:
I disagree with strosbuff88. In fact I ACTIVELY disagree with him. Human emotions are extremely complex things, and there are moments in life when we don't have complete control over our actions and do stupid stuff.

That said, cheating is betrayal of the REALLY bad kind. Personally, I don't think I could stay with someone if they did it to me. BUT at the same time, if things are good now, and if you do NOT feel the urge to repeat it, then I also think not telling him is the better option. None of us (and I will assume none of you two) here is 7 anymore, and "complete" and "utter" honesty is a thing of the past. If your bf will not be able to get over your cheating, you should not tell him, and just move on. Yes, it was a horrible thing to do, but it's in the past and you should not dwell on it.

If, however, you feel like doing it again, then I'd say end the relationship - it's obviously not doing it for you.


But omg, what kind of person does not want sex for 3 months?! @_@
Click to expand...

you've made it clear where your mind is within that last sentence.. @_@.

in mentioning the word "urge" shouldn't you take a moment to think of its definition? a decision/choice/action made during a lapse of good judgement. that's roughly my knowledge of the word and what the original poster did remains wrong - it's simple. a relationship is a commitment to another individual!

this decision is something that has become him. it shouldn't be forgotten, but should become an opportunity to learn from it and its effect. you came to this forum, created this post seeking opinions on the matter.. and i've included mine. you seem concerned enough about what has transpired but how you proceed will be your choice!

..and the belief that honesty is a thing of the past? this is definitely untrue.
 
Don't read selectively, pls. I said COMPLETE and UTTER honesty is a thing of the past. And not some fixed past like "the 80s" or "the 19th century", but everybody's past. We are only completely and absolutely honest when we don't know how complex human interaction is and when everything is black and white. In real life everything is NEVER black and white. So yes, complete and utter honesty has no place in a relationship. Like telling him he has bad breath when he is being all sweet and loving. Or by expressing your disappointment with his looks because you would be more sexually attracted to him if he were a gym fiend. There is a multitude of little wrongs we can do to a person by being indiscriminately "honest".

I never said "lie and cheat to your heart's content", and had you paid attention to the ENTIRETY of my post, you would have seen the stress I put on the opening sentence of my second paragraph.

But one mistake should not cost you your relationship, and not every lapse means complete destruction.
 
I believe that a relationships should have principles that should not be prone to exceptions. Honesty, fidelity, and communication are the three most important aspects of a relationship.

I am not satisfied with most of the advice given in this thread and would discourage following it. You must tell your boyfriend that you had sex with someone else.

Why?

A few reasons. One, you have no relationship if you cannot trust each other. Trust is built on honesty and telling your boyfriend/partner the unconditional truth. It is the same expectation you would expect of him if he were in your shoes. How would you feel if your partner was having sex behind your back and didn't tell you because it was a "rough patch, but things are better now?"

Another reason is that STDs can tell him for you. Even if you wear protection, that still doesn't protect you from all STDS, including the permanent ones like herpes. It would be a travesty if your boyfriend had to find out you cheated on him because his dick broke out in sores. So regardless if you came out of that infidelity clean, by principle of what could have happened, you owe it to your boyfriend to tell him.

Lastly, the truth of your relationship. You've been together for two years, and within that space of time, your boyfriend has stopped giving you sex for three months because "he's too tired." I'm surprised no one picked up on this. In relationship studies shown, one of the earliest signs of infidelity is a partner who suddenly becomes "too tired" to have sex with their partner. You might be surprised to find out that when you admit to your partner of your infidelity, that he may actually admit to 3-months of his.

Overall, your relationship is experiencing a positive high to what otherwise is an incompatible future. What happens if this sexless period of time reoccurs? Will you search elsewhere for sex? You've already proven you could do it. One more time is always easier than the first time. Besides, the guilt is eating you up.

Tell your partner the truth. Consider it a test to see if this is true love to a relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life. If it's really worth saving for both of you, your partner will work with you to find a future together.
 
Just_Believe18 said:
What happens if this sexless period of time reoccurs? Will you search elsewhere for sex? You've already proven you could do it. One more time is always easier than the first time. Besides, the guilt is eating you up.
Click to expand...

This was my point, too. Becoming a cheater starts by one time of cheating.
And it is never as simple as people would have us believe.
The person who cheats rationalizes it away to ease the guilt. The OP didn't cheat because his bf was turning him down. There is something deeper going on there. And the bf did not turn him down for sex because he was too tired. Afterall, he had the energy and interest for jacking off to porn "often".

My concern for them is that they never resolve the real issues. Just because they are having sex again and talking, does not mean they are having real intimacy or talking about the things that really need discussing. It could be very superficial. The danger is pretending everything is ok now.
 
It always scares me a little when I read some of the advice people post in this forum - there is so much assumption and judgment one would think this is a Christian board...

How can you tell someone they simply must do something, that could dramatically alter their life, with complete disregard to consequences? Seriously, are those the steel principles that govern your life in every aspect? Are you truly always honest? Or is it just honesty about fidelity that matters?

Cause that's alarmingly similar to "yes, there are a lot of abominations, but homosexuality is the most abominable".

Just saying. You do not know this guy. Don't give him judgmental advice that would apply 100% to your life as if it must, by some universal law, apply to his as well.
 
If u did it once .. you`ll do it again! ITS AS SIMPLE AS THAT!
i feel sorry for ur partner..put urself in his shoes .. how would u feel if it was the other way around?
 


Fiona Apple "Criminal"

Couldn't help myself.!oops!

Chorus :

What I need is a good defense,
cause Im feeling like a criminal
and I need to be redeemed to the one I sinned agianst
because he all I ever knew of love.
 
It's also adorable how high some people's horse is around here. Just because you were never in a situation to cheat doesn't mean you are somehow better and immune to it. It just means you were never tested.
 
Hi Dannyclouds,

Thanks alot for your updates and good to read you have talked with your friend and that things are going better right now. Also thanks alot for providing us with some additional information about the situation. It definately clarifies the picture.

Hopefully, the relationship between you and your friend has improved, and I hope both of you are right now able to exchange more of these kind or issues with each other.

----------------------------------

Swerve, thanks for your remarks on venereal diseases. I did not mention this topic, as I was assuming that OP had enough experience with sex to know what he was doing, so different from people over here who have no experience with having sex with another guy at all (and asking for advise over here). But its very good that you made this remark.

He's only a bit older at 30. He was on anti-depressants but coming off them, he said it was that for a while and he was coming off weed as well, but once he had seemed to use all these excuses he went back to being horny and normal how when we first met.

I do think though if I wasnt having sex with anyone for a long time i'd probably play away. It has got less confusing since things got better, (It got better cos we started talking properly and got back a connection)
Click to expand...

Thank you for all the input and opinions, I've read all of them. I'd like to say that, I am a better person with him, I don't like the person I am without him (Going with anyone at any chance). I do now love him. This will be something I need to think about a bit more and take what you guys have said into consideration.
Click to expand...
 
He did not want sex for three months. So, he did not take your needs into consideration while he was being celibate.

So, keep quiet, be thankful your relationship has improved, go on with your lives as if nothing has happened.
 
...don't do it...don't do it...don't do it...don't do it...

Oh well. Look, the cheater that's always a cheater ISN'T every guy who ever cheated. The cheater guy we all should worry about is the one who cheats with impunity an regularity and has absolutely no remorse about it. You know who you are.

Painting with too broad a brush is like saying that every guy who ever lied is a liar and will never tell the truth.

No one in here has enough information to make that kind of judgement. Nor is it helpful, the OP came in here asking what he should do about his instance of cheating while fully admitting it was his fault and that it was wrong.

Telling him that he's just a cheater who's destined to cheat because that's what cheaters do, is less than helpful to anyone - and while I'm sure it gave all you paragons of alabaster moral rectitude great satisfaction to damn the infidel, I'm going to call everyone who's said that a liar if he claims he never lied to his partner, or kept secrets, or done any number of things - and yes even cheat.

Total honesty means what? Do you tell your partner that he looks like a fool in that shirt he loves to wear? Do you tell him things that you know will be hurtful simply because?

Or do you evaluate the situation and try to strike a balance between total honestly and needless damage?

If the OP cheated - and it would help to know more (because I agree that unless you've got a real pattern cheater on your hands the cheating is usually a symptom of something else,) he's sorry he did it, he's not going to do it again; no he's not destined to fuck someone else like he caught a cheater virus the first time:)

What possible reason could there be to bring it up?

...but but but you have to be honest or you'll burn in the hell-fires of ultimate cheaterdom and your relationship will wither like the vine in winter...

No.

Yes relationships need honesty, but the kind of honesty that is only going to do damage - and end the relationship people are insisting will fail if he doesn't tell.

Is not in the best interest of either of them.

To the OP, if you're not going to do it again, bury it and move on.

If you start to be cheater guy, then you tell him and let him decide.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top