advice on coming out and being into older men.

[NewVA18]

Hi,
I am new to JUB. I have read this forum for a couple years now, but I have finally decided to join. I may end up ranting because I am not sure how to word all this. I am 18 and live a pretty great life. I have a loving family and amazing friends. Ever since around age 13 I have had feelings for men, as well as women. The feelings then were small, but I still knew I had them, due to late night masterbating thinking about men. The thing is, I also like women, but lately I have only been thinking about men. I am not a feminine guy at all, but I am also not one of those jock douchebags.

The other thing is that I am not attracted to guys my age, whatsoever. I never have been. I am attracted towards older men, around 30+. I am not into the whole typical big-bellied bears and beards thing, but more into that "daddy" figure and often find myself attracted to my male teachers (the attractive ones). Examples of my type would be Christopher Meloni, Peter Krause, Xabi Alonso, etc. Just earlier today I watched the movie BearCity (not a porn, an actual movie) and was undeniable attracted to Gerald McCullouch (I could get an erection just thinking about him.) I guess that movie kind of brought me to posting here, just because I kind of felt the same as the main character (for those of you who have seen it.) (Also some gay porn stars that are my type are Rik Kappus, Allen Silver, and Will West.)

I am not scared of my family and friends not accepting me for being bi, maybe just the awkward transition stage from them finding out to things settling out. The thing I am scared of is coming out that I am into older men, that could be old enough to be my dad. I wouldn't want to come out as just being bi because at that point I wouldn't want to lie about guys that I am into.

I am getting to the point where being with an older man is becoming so much of a fantasy that it is about 80% of the porn that I watch, and a lot of the straight porn involves older men, the kind that I am into. With girls, I actually find girls my age attractive and have had sex a few times and enjoyed it. Lately, I just want to pursue the men that I am interested in.

Another thing is that I am not too interested in anal sex, with women or men. I would love oral sex with a man, and I think I would even grow accustomed to the idea of anal, but who knows.

Through this whole process of thoughts inside my head I really understand how everyone can have different sexual desires, and I am unsure if mine are definable. I once read somewhere about being attracted to older men could be because of the empty spot of a father figure. I grew up without a biological father, but have lived with my step-father since I could remember, so he is basically my father, but there is still that sense of a missing piece.

I honestly don't know what kind of advice that I am looking for. Anything will help now. Men are constantly in the back of my thoughts.

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on your first post.

It's still very early in the game and you are still trying to figure it all out. Sexuality in your teens and twenties can be very fluid but, as you're discovering, as time goes on it becomes clearer.

In this case, it's becoming clearer that you are more attracted to men and you are probably gay.

There is nothing wrong with being attracted to guys who are older than you. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar- you don't have to look for psychological causes for your attraction anymore than you would have to look for a reason for an attraction to blond guys or guys with hairy chests.

But- if this is something that bothers you- you are reinforcing that attraction by watching porn that has older guys in it. Now that you're 18, you would be better off turning off the computer and getting out and meeting other guys your age to see exactly what you're into in real life. It may be that you end up dating someone older but since you are still very young and you are still trying to figure yourself out, it's time to get out there and date and find out exactly what you like in the real world.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome. Make your coming out about your sexual orientation, not about what turns you on, except to your closest confidants. The rest of the people in your life will get the idea as you begin introducing them to dates and boyfriends. If you think your family will freak you'll prepare them, but I don't think you need to give anyone a theoretical heads up.

Good luck to you and do use your instincts to avoid being exploited.

 

[NewVA18]

Kara - Thanks for the advice. The thing is, I have no interest at all in dating guys my age. They are just not who I would want to date, at all. It's not about me not thinking that they are mature or not, of course I still have plenty of maturing to do, but it is rather like a gay guy not wanting to date a women, guys my age are just in another category that I have no interest in. That's true, I shouldn't psychoanalyze my attraction, instead I should just accept it.

My family and friends are very accepting of the gay community and have gay friends themselves, and I do too. So I don't think they would freak out, probably just be surprised to know that I like men as well as women. And then later be concerned with my choice in men, but that is another hurdle I have to jump.

It is just shit that I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings for older men. I think that if I just went out there and started mingling or told someone that my thoughts would clear up and I would know what I want.

 

[thisisinteresting]

I've been in your spot. I don't have time for a lengthy reply at the moment but you don't have to come out as liking older guys. One step at a time. IMO anyone you feel the need to come out to has no business knowing what kind of guys you're into - why is it relevant? The only people it's relevant to is gonna be people of sexual interest i.e. other gay men, who know this is a common thing.

Also, liking older guys does not automatically qualify you for having daddy issues.

 

[NewVA18]

Thisisinteresting - I guess you are right, I shouldn't worry about coming out about what guys I like. When I get in the position to actually want a relationship, which I don't now, not with a male or female, then I guess they will find out by who I introduce them to. When you get more time please post more!

 

[thisisinteresting]

often find myself attracted to my male teachers (the attractive ones).

Same. This is where I finally figured out what I was attracted to - caught myself daydreaming about my male teachers. Quite common, even for guys who are not exclusively into older men. Many male role models can become sexualized.

I wouldn't want to come out as just being bi because at that point I wouldn't want to lie about guys that I am into.

I remember being uncomfortable with telling people I liked older guys. Not sure what to say other than you will be more comfortable with it in time, and that it really doesn't matter what other people think about who you're attracted to. They're irrelevant, really. If they have judgments about it, fuck 'em. Not worth your time.

I am getting to the point where being with an older man is becoming so much of a fantasy that ...

I remember this point. IMO the next natural step is to explore these urges. I very strongly encourage you to be safe and intelligent about it, considering you may have to resort to online hookups as I presume you are not of drinking age. I was barely 18 when I just couldn't take it any more - where the hell was an 18 year old supposed to find a 30,40+ guy to experiment sexually with? I can't go to bars, I wasn't confident (crazy?) enough to proposition some stranger who would probably end up being straight and totally freaked out by it, and I felt lost. I sincerely could not wait 'til I was 21 to try to bar scene so I hooked up online. I unfortunately didn't know any of the sites for this so I resorted to craigslist which I cannot really recommend - much safer alternatives out there.

If you do go this route, be sure to converse with said person for a while and try your best to gauge their character. If you have any weird/bad feelings (other than a general nervousness) trust your gut instinct and don't follow through with it if you're not comfortable. If said guy is pressuring or rushing you into it, something is fishy about it. I can't say I endorse or condone the random hookup scene, because it is risky, but I'm no hypocrite and I'm not going to tell you not to do it. Your life, your choices, be smart about it. Better to meet a guy at a coffeehouse and see if there's chemistry than to show up at someone you don't know's house and be in a bad situation. If you want to know more about this, or some of my first hookups (3 out of 4 were pretty awkward lol), maybe PM me. Or really any other questions, I'm more than happy to lend advice or just an ear to listen.

Another thing is that I am not too interested in anal sex, with women or men. I would love oral sex with a man, and I think I would even grow accustomed to the idea of anal, but who knows.

Yeah, I wasn't sure about anal sex either but all I can say is keep your mind open to it, but don't do anything you're not comfortable with. A bad/impatient top can make your first anal experience a terrible one and leave you far less likely to go that route again. When done right it can be an unrivaled sexual experience (both ways) but not everyone is into it. There are plenty of other erogenous zones unrelated to the genitals including nipples, neck/shoulders, ears, legs, armpits, you name it. I'm still learning new zones for myself!

Through this whole process of thoughts inside my head I really understand how everyone can have different sexual desires, and I am unsure if mine are definable. I once read somewhere about being attracted to older men could be because of the empty spot of a father figure. I grew up without a biological father, but have lived with my step-father since I could remember, so he is basically my father, but there is still that sense of a missing piece.

Be prepared for many people to pull the 'daddy issues' card when you feel comfortable enough to tell them you like older men. I confided in people online before I was okay with telling people in real life - and soooo many people played armchair psychologist. "These men just want to take advantage of you," they'd say - or they'd think I have serious issues with my father, or that I didn't have one. Truth be told, it's quite the opposite - my strongest familial relationship is with my father, he's a great person and we have a strong respectful relationship.

Here's where people could flip it around, then people say I am trying to emulate my father (the guys I'm attracted to are nothing like my father), or that because my relationship with my mother was not that strong (nothing unhealthy, but we're just not that close) that I make up for it with this. If I had to guess, I would think it has to do with the fact I've always been socially involved with people older than myself - my siblings are 15+ years older than me, I was a year behind the other kids in school, and because of these factors I don't view age like most people do - a big deal. To me age is a mental thing and I'm just attracted to what I'm attracted to. Nothing will change that, so I don't really care to diagnose it like it's a clinical issue (which it's not).

I honestly don't know what kind of advice that I am looking for. Anything will help now. Men are constantly in the back of my thoughts.

I've been just where you are, and let me tell you, ignoring the thoughts won't make them go away. I tried to deny my feelings for the longest time, thinking "oh it's just a phase." It wasn't. There's nothing wrong with you for liking older guys and don't let anyone tell you different. Gays get enough scrutiny just for liking men, we don't need discrimination in all these subcategories. Tell people they're entitled to their opinions, but don't tolerate their oppressive armchair psychologist bullshit.

Thisisinteresting - I guess you are right, I shouldn't worry about coming out about what guys I like. When I get in the position to actually want a relationship, which I don't now, not with a male or female, then I guess they will find out by who I introduce them to.

Exactly. When it's relevant, it will be relevant. Until then, there's no reason to stress. This has been my mantra related to coming out my whole life - I never formally came out. It's not for me - straight people don't have to come out as straight, so why do I have to make some huge deal out of something that is not a huge deal? It also helps that my family couldn't care less about what I do with my sex life as it's personal and none of their business really. I came out to people if they asked, or if it was relevant to something we were talking about, but otherwise I never felt the need to have some huge ordeal about it. I don't treat it like a big deal and I think it helps others to not treat it like a big deal. Plus it's always hilarious when people are thrown off by a casual "Huh? Oh, I'm gay." all casually. Anyway I'm getting off-topic but there's the more lengthy reply I wanted to get into.

I've been where you are (minus the liking girls thing - I tried to make myself like girls but it didn't work lol) and understand the mental hoops you've been jumping through again and again. Let me know if you have any questions or anything. Good luck on your journey.