Advice on friend

[IloveTurtle]

I know there are plenty of these types of posts on here but I need advice. I am 27 years old, closeted. My best friend is 26 years old and as long as we have both known each other we have only had girlfriends. This has been for about a year. The other night we were drinking well into the morning and he told me that when he was in high school he was kind of dating a guy when he was a sophomore. He said nothing really sexual happened but he said he made out with the guy at the least. The person he was with told everyone at the school and my friend lost all of his friends and went through some tough years. He said he "thought he was gay." Now he's only into women he says. It took a lot for him to tell me this and I know when he was in high school after everyone found out he got into drugs and tried to hurt himself. Here's my problem. I am so in love with him. And people say we act like a couple all the time. He tells me I'm cute but says it with a tone where it sounds like hes joking but he does say it. We spend time together every day. He always talks about going away together or adopting a dog together even though we dont live together. I know I'm not giving a lot of information but I just want to know if I am reading into everything too much or is there a chance he's still into guys and more specifically is he into me. I know it's a cop out but I dont want to make the first move without more information because my family will disown me and when I first met him I thought he was very homophobic with some of his comments. Please give me any advice. Thanks.

 

[Seasoned]

I've moved this to the Coming Out, Relationship and Advice Forum.

Considering that he was injured by being outed and considering he's a good friend, it's extremely unlikely he would out you. Being a good friend to him means being honest. He was chased back into the closet so he probably has a lot to work through. Don't you find it one-sided and unfair that he trusted you with potentially damaging (at least in his eyes) but you aren't willing to do the same? He's the perfect person to tell. Talk about yourself and give it sometime before you tell him the rest.

 

[KaraBulut]

Your friend has a lot of baggage. He's also had plenty of opportunities to act upon his feelings if he wanted to. It's apparent that he's been through a lot and he's made decisions in his life that have put him where he is today.

You're 27 and closeted. This attraction to your straight friend is holding you back. It's easy to be "in love" with someone who can't or won't return your feelings. As long as you "act like a couple all the time" with your best friend, it gives you what you could be having with someone else- like a gay man who can love you back. A man that you can get naked and have sex with.

It's time for you to move on and get on with your own life.

It's up to you as to whether you want to come out to your friend but if he is your friend, you're not showing the same bravery that he showed in confiding in you. However, you shouldn't come out to him with an ulterior motive. Come out because it's not fair to be someone's best friend but have these kinds of secrets.

 

[TX-Beau]

Sigh, we have no idea. We don't know you, we don't know him, you're closeted anyway so what exactly would you do if he were interested?

If you are too scared to tell him about yourself, what makes you think you'd have the courage to have a relationship with a guy?

 

[checkinthingsout]

I know there are plenty of these types of posts on here but I need advice. I am 27 years old, closeted. My best friend is 26 years old and as long as we have both known each other we have only had girlfriends. This has been for about a year. The other night we were drinking well into the morning and he told me that when he was in high school he was kind of dating a guy when he was a sophomore. He said nothing really sexual happened but he said he made out with the guy at the least. The person he was with told everyone at the school and my friend lost all of his friends and went through some tough years. He said he "thought he was gay." Now he's only into women he says. It took a lot for him to tell me this and I know when he was in high school after everyone found out he got into drugs and tried to hurt himself. Here's my problem. I am so in love with him. And people say we act like a couple all the time. He tells me I'm cute but says it with a tone where it sounds like hes joking but he does say it. We spend time together every day. He always talks about going away together or adopting a dog together even though we dont live together. I know I'm not giving a lot of information but I just want to know if I am reading into everything too much or is there a chance he's still into guys and more specifically is he into me. I know it's a cop out but I dont want to make the first move without more information because my family will disown me and when I first met him I thought he was very homophobic with some of his comments. Please give me any advice. Thanks.

The best thing would be to tell him about your own sexuality first and allow him to process that before professing any feelings towards him.

Why do you think your family would disown you? And are you really satisfied being so deep in the closet still? I think you should also seek to address this assumption and what you want out of life and relationships. You might be a little behind your peer group in this regard, and it just becomes harder and harder to address it as you get older.

 

[IloveTurtle]

Thanks guys... let me give you a little more background about myself just so you know my situation a little better. And I know Im not the only person with baggage on this site believe me. I tried coming out when I was in high school. My mother had found some pictures on the computer I was looking at and I tried to just use that as the way to tell her. She cried and basically threatened to kill herself because she somehow screwed up. I thought she would be the easy one to tell because my father is extremely conservative and talks about how "the gays" are going to burn in hell. My mother literally chose to pretend it never happened after about 2 months of not speaking to me and then pretended that I had never told her anything. The problem is at the moment my younger brother is battling cancer and my family is in shambles as it is. I love them all dearly and dont want to create more angst until at least my brother's situation is taken care of. Of course I'm not satisfied. It kills me every day to be living two lives and its easy to say I should just stop it but I saw what it could do to my family in the past and I know theyre going through hell as it is. I know I was selfish in not opening up to my friend too and I havent slept the past few nights because I was such a coward. I had hinted to him that I knew what he was going through but after living a lie for 27 years I could not bring myself to just come out and say it. I do plan on it but I just need to find the right time and have the courage to do it built up in me. Thanks for all the advice though guys I really do appreciate it. Please keep passing along words of wisdom because I need all I can get.

And I really do not have an ulterior motive. I love him as a person and whether or not I ever got to be with him in that way I know that his secret has nearly destroyed him in the past and it kills me to see that. I dont know if you guys think its possible that he had a "phase" in the past and thats out of him now or if he is still dealing with it as well.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, it's time to stop using everyone else to deflect from dealing with yourself. No matter what is going on in other people's lives your first responsibility is to yourself. You can't help anyone until you help yourself.

If you can't tell your family, you can certainly tell your friends. You can tell yourself, you can start living as who you are before you tell your family, and if your mother threatens suicide, calmly tell her you'll miss her and leave - she's not going to do it, that's just emotional blackmail.

Conservative families are generally far more concerned with how other people are going to view THEM, and not concerned how they are treating YOU, no matter how much they say they love you. You had to process this, they'll have to process this; and unfortunately no one can give you guarantees for how that turns out. It could go either way, or end up in limbo somewhere in the middle.

Forget trying to figure out this guy, you are in no position to be in a relationship at the moment, and the best help you can give him, is coming out yourself. Right now this seems like the biggest thing on the planet - I went through a phase where I couldn't even write the word gay, I'd start to panic in the attempt.

But I can tell you this, that weight and that fear, it's mostly about you not wanting to be you, the biggest shocker after you come out is how few people actually care. You'll get a few looks and comments at first, then people lose interest because it's just not that important to them.

I know this sounds silly, but it helps. Every morning when you look in the mirror, tell your reflection that you are a gay man, and there is nothing wrong with that - every day, come out to yourself, and it will get easier to come out to other people. You are going to be coming out to people all your life, so you might as well put in the practice.

Use your emotions for you instead of letting them control you - get mad, you didn't ask to be gay, you didn't create all the shit in your head that is causing the problems, that was put there by haters, to cause you to hide and cower, doesn't that piss you off?

FUCK them. Get fucking ANGRY. You are who you are and that's perfectly natural, and if they don't like that, they can fuck off.

Ultimately this is a battle you are having with yourself. You need to give yourself permission to win it.

The poster above is right, this only gets more difficult the older you get. Resolve to yourself not to live the big lie one second longer than necessary.

 

[MikeScott]

Definitely don't wait for "the right time." You'll never find a right time. Believe me, after coming out, as terrifying as it is, you will feel a tremendous weight lifted off your shoulders. It feels amazing not to have to live a lie anymore. I came out to friends when I was 16 and then family at 18. I told myself I wasn't going to go past 18 without telling them. My parents are really religious but I didn't lose them. I helped them understand being gay. My mom was accepting right away. And my dad, while he still loved me a lot, thought it was "wrong." But now he's pretty ok with it. I didn't lose anyone in my life because of it. And I feared I would. I was totally prepared to lose these people I loved. But if they couldn't accept me for who I was then that was their problem.

I did read like 10 books in two weeks on coming out before coming out to my family though. That did help me work up the courage.

 

[KaraBulut]

... My mother...my father...my younger brother...my family...my friend...

Because it bears repeating:

It's time for you to move on and get on with your own life.

And I really do not have an ulterior motive. I love him as a person and whether or not I ever got to be with him in that way I know that his secret has nearly destroyed him in the past and it kills me to see that. I dont know if you guys think its possible that he had a "phase" in the past and thats out of him now or if he is still dealing with it as well.

If you don't have an ulterior motive, why does it matter if it's in his past? This isn't about his sexuality, it's about yours.

 

[checkinthingsout]

OK, it's time to stop using everyone else to deflect from dealing with yourself. No matter what is going on in other people's lives your first responsibility is to yourself. You can't help anyone until you help yourself.

Agreed. His cancer and your sexuality are not competing for attention.

If you can't tell your family, you can certainly tell your friends. You can tell yourself, you can start living as who you are before you tell your family, and if your mother threatens suicide, calmly tell her you'll miss her and leave - she's not going to do it, that's just emotional blackmail.

Honestly, do you really think your mom doesn't know? You told her once, and she was probably unprepared then, but that was over a decade ago. I would assume she has grown as a person as well to have a more mature reaction.

I know this sounds silly, but it helps. Every morning when you look in the mirror, tell your reflection that you are a gay man, and there is nothing wrong with that - every day, come out to yourself, and it will get easier to come out to other people. You are going to be coming out to people all your life, so you might as well put in the practice.

I did this and it has become much easier to tell people. Make sure when you do it you smile and say it with confidence, seriously. 2 years ago I was completely in the closet, and now I'm not afraid of PDA with another guy. This daily mantra works.

 

[IloveTurtle]

Thanks everyone. Especially the supportive answers but even the more negative ones because youre right too and I do need a kick in the ass to get my life back on track.