Advice on getting a life

[Eyghon]

No point in pussyfooting around. Here's where I am right now: I'm a New Yorker two years out of college -- don't yet have a job yet, but looking. I'm terminally anxious around people, especially crowds, wary of meeting people I find online, I don't drink or smoke, and I'm not really into bars or clubs or the usual night spots where most people (gay and straight) tend to socialize. This summer, as last summer, when the temperature rose my mood sank like a stone; I was depressed and wallowed in self-pity and frustration.

But with the fall upon me, my spirits are up, and I'm feeling practical. I'm not looking for Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now, or even misters in particular. What I'm hoping for is practical, specific advice that I can apply to my daily life, baby steps for this socially inexperienced person to start to connect with like-minded people so I can get a life. I've got friends who want to help, but they're busy and I don't want to wait for someone else to hold my hand so I can step out into the world. For that matter, I would prefer not to have an audience of close friends if and when I fall flat on my face.

So now I'll open the floor to any comments anybody might have: share personal stories, commiserate about similar frustrations, or tell me I'm hopeless. (Okay, scratch that last one.) Now I'm going to click "Submit New Thread" before I lose the nerve.

 

[doglover]

Focus on your good qualities. What you like to do. Try to find people that interest you, they don't even necessarily have to be gay. Simply getting out and having some kind of social life I have found has always been very helpful.
Good Luck

 

[JetSetJake]

Hi!

I guess you could say I'm not the most sociable creature, but over the last couple of years I have got a lot better - that said, there is still a way to go.

Basically, the only advice I can offer is that you have to force yourself to socialise, to spend time with the friends you have or to get yourself into a position where you could meet people - romantic interests or just to share interests. It is by no means easy, but if you try it a few times, it will be easier. For example, I don't like bars/clubs etc too much either - the last thing I want is to draw attention to myself like that! But I have a friend who likes going to the gay club, so I go with him. Not to enjoy the club, but to spend the time with him.

Make a list of your interests, and check the internet/yellow pages etc for special interest groups. At least you know the people there will be interested in the same thing as you and it will give you something to talk about. And from talking about the interest, you would be better able to make friends in the group etc.

Another thing you could try, is pretending lol Pretend you are on an emotional high and loving every moment of it. Picture yourself as a confident person (maybe copy things from confident people you know or even celebrities), doing whatever you want, eventually your brain will believe it and you'll find less resistance to being the person you want to be.

There is a saying that I really try to adhere to:

Live like there's no tomorrow,
Work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
Dance like nobody's watching.

Take care and all the best with your efforts

 

[rareboy]

OK...we know from your previous posting history that you are likely bipolar or at least manic depressive to a certain degree.

The first thing is that you have to get a job and if that isn't happening, find someplace to volunteer your time and efforts at least two days per week, while you are hunting work on the other days.

Two years out of college with no job isn't good.

If you are agoraphobic or pathologically shy, you need help through counselling and maybe even SRI's.

I met some of my best fucks and partners eating out in restaurants, not too hard to do.You can meet people through programs at the library or museums etc., etc.

Good luck.

 

[backpacker]

Join some gay groups. In New York there is probably a group for any interest. Groups are good way to meet people with common interests in a no pressure environment. I belong to an outdoors group and there are activities nearly every weekend. The group has 250 members, but most activities only include 5 to 15 members. The activities are things like hikes, camping, cabin stays at the beach or even meeting for IMAX movies.

I know you don't like bars, but you should try going to some. You don't need to drink, just get water or a coke. A bar with some type of show (i.e. drag show, strippers, etc.) to watch would be best so that you have something to do while there. Dance clubs are another venue as you can watch people dancing. Just get used to the environment and when people talk to you, talk back. A brief conversation doesn't commit you to anything.

On the job front, two years is too long to be without a job. At this point your best chance is working for a temporary service in an assignment that could lead to a permanent position. You can no longer be picky. You may not be able to get anything related to your degree. Right now what is important is to get some real job experience, then you can go after something in your major.


Find other gay related activities. There must be hundreds in New York. Some you bound to appeal to you. The bottom line is that you have to get out there and live life.

 

[Eyghon]

To clarify about my job situation, I'm not completely idle. I've been writing freelance for a website for a year, which allowed me to cover a couple of major film festivals, but other than those, assignments are sporadic at best, and it doesn't pay. (I majored in English, by the way -- in other words, Pre-Homeless.)

Given the horror with which the news of my two-year drought was received, after which I'm starting to consider my future in burger-flipping, is my condition as bad as it originally sounded? Or are my chances of gainful employment still slim-to-nil?

I've always been a late bloomer, but when the time comes I've always been able to acclimate. I'm just worried that it'll be held against me, socially and professionally.

 

[Eagle653]

I know you don't want to have an audience watch you fall on your face--I'm exactly the same way. It's an ironic thought, though (for both of us) as real friends won't let you fall on your face and wouldn't think ill of you if you did anyway.

But, no matter.

Friends ARE an asset in your kind of situation, though, not a liability. They know you, they know your likes and dislikes, and they know the social scene around you and what's realistic/practical and what isn't. I'd use that asset if I were you, for all it's worth. Tell them, one on one, what you told us. What would they suggest you do? How can they help you do it?

Sometimes it might be so simple as being invited to a party, or a small dinner group. Maybe they can guide you on forming your own dinner group--the Friday Night Gang or something. Maybe they can make suggestions on people to hang out with that you already know. Or, they know of an art exhibition opening, or a reading night at an organization or bookstore. There are tons of ways to just be "out there" soaking up the culture and other people's energy (even strangers). Once you feel more comfortable gradually getting out there (in baby steps), then you can focus more on zeroing in on people who catch your attention.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about the 2-year job thing. I know so many people who do that, for such a variety of reasons, that I don't think it's necessarily odd at all. The only drawback, of course, is limited funds which makes the social side suffer unless you're creative as getting the biggest bang for your buck.

Good luck. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

To clarify about my job situation, I'm not completely idle. I've been writing freelance for a website for a year, which allowed me to cover a couple of major film festivals, but other than those, assignments are sporadic at best, and it doesn't pay. (I majored in English, by the way -- in other words, Pre-Homeless.)

Given the horror with which the news of my two-year drought was received, after which I'm starting to consider my future in burger-flipping, is my condition as bad as it originally sounded? Or are my chances of gainful employment still slim-to-nil?

I've always been a late bloomer, but when the time comes I've always been able to acclimate. I'm just worried that it'll be held against me, socially and professionally.

Your worries are not groundless.

You want to jumpstart your life and your career, right now.

Reinvent yourself by simply forbidding the thought of not liking anything in particular. Change your attitude by adopting the view that nothing worth getting, comes in easy and without the necessary sacrifice on your part. Why would this world actually have to be to your liking, in the first place? You want to get hold of your life, so you make amends and you suck up to it. The rest of the universe actually cannot care less.

You want to get a social life? Cool. Get going and make it happen. If you do not know, how to get there by doing it the way you think, you'll like doing it; do it the way, you can. No one around you and nothing around you has any vested interest in being to your liking. They made it the way that suited them best.

A degree in English is not a one-way ticket into Pre-Homelessness. I know a guy, who has got a degree in English, and is not bothering to tie his yacht. His sailors are doing it for him. He got there by doing the right things at the right time, mostly the things he utterly disliked and actually hated doing. He sucked up to it and is now harvesting the fruits of his fortitude...

So, refocus and reinvent.

SC

 

[strokes630]

Man...you are only 24!!!! Enjoy your twenties while you still gottem'....that's an order!

 

[benlemieux2003]

Hey man,

Good thing to see you can be critical of yourself, and even better to see you want to make a change.

I'll say simply do the thing you want to the most, the thing that makes you feel alive. You'll meet great people this way and expand your horizons like never before.

Good luck

 

[rareboy]

I could not care less whether someone has a job from a career trajectory perspective, but in this case, I do think that it may contribute to social isolation. And that is why it is not good to be without one two years after graduating.

You might also think about going back to pick up some more courses. Who knows, you might meet someone.