I read this thread this morning and its content has gnawed at me all day. I spent 25+ years working with adults (and they are adults) like this one as well as those who had been through far worse. Recently, I had occasion to meet some more incredible young folks who were in crisis--as was I!
I'll wait another day to fully consider if/how I want to respond to some ideas floated in this thread. But, for now . . . to be very positive and really respond to the OP:
Yes, you really can help him (let's call him David so that we at least begin to humanize him!) and, no, you don't have to get yourself in deeper than you already are. Some suggestions. For the sake of brevity, I'll just outline here. I'll PM the OP to see if he wants more detail on any of this--or anyone else can contact me for it for that matter.
1. LISTEN to David. And I mean really listen. Make eye contact. Encourage him to talk to you--tell you whatever he needs to. AND: As you listen intently, make no judgments, offer no advice, and voice no platitudes.
This is very, very hard to do because he is young and you are not. He's also asking (begging?) for help. He's also acting as though he doesn't know what to do (and, to be fair, who would in his situation?). All of this encourages us as communicators to step into the "older and wiser authority" role. Just about anything you say from that perspective is not helpful and may actually do harm.
Just one example of the killer platitudes we all hear and repeat without thinking: Saying "it's not so bad; after all, you have . . . " is like stabbing him in one eye and telling him he can still see out the other one! Telling him his mother is a lunatic bitch (sure, we all went there when we read it)--or even agreeing with him when he says it--is a judgment that doesn't move him forward. It's ok, to hear him out and let him vent, but don't add gasoline to the fire that burning up his life. And advice, no matter how good or how well-intended, always hits the listener's ear as "You should do _______," from which David will infer "I'm too stupid to figure that out on my own." It's a very short walk from there to "I really am useless."
So, no judgment/advice/platitude responses. Just listen.
2. Be the "guide on the side" as he figures out where he stands and how he can move forward. Again, this is really, really hard because we are socialized to "fix" people who come to us asking for a magic wand solution. Even when both we and they know there isn't one. I've found the following set of questions, in this sequence, to be very useful in getting young adults to talk their way toward progress. Note that I didn't say "solve their problems"; it's not that easy or fast. But this gets them thinking and planning.
What do you want to do to move forward? OR What do you think you need to do to move forward?
This asks David to talk about progress from his perspective. You might have another view, but it's his that will determine what happens next. Best to find out what that is before you work at cross purposes.
Also, the second version of this question will let you hear what David believes progress is supposed to be. You might be very surprised at his expectations. Again, best to find out what they are rather than assume they match yours.
Why do you want to do those things to move beyond where you're at?
In my experience, this is a HUGE question for most 18-year-olds to face, but they need to face it. The most likely response you'll get is, "Because _________ told me." And that's an opportunity to ask David to please explain why ________ would say that. What's the rationale? As an adult, he needs to be able to state--in his own words--why he's going to take a particular course of action. Given time and some silence to think, he probably will do that. It might be a pretty simplistic rationale or poorly expressed. Still, he's talking about why he's doing something. And that will get much more commitment to it.
How do you plan to accomplish what you want to do to move forward?
This one is absolutely key. Let David get away with a weak rationale; but work with him so that he develops a realistic and detailed plan. (People don't plan to fail; they fail to plan. Ooops. There goes my own platitude machine!)
In my experience, the time spent on all the preceding stuff (letting him vent by talking through where he's at, asking him where he wants to go next, making him think about why) really helps lead up to getting David to commit to a reasonable plan of action.
Also, this is the point where you can let David know what you can and cannot provide assistance for. If he makes a plan to go somewhere to do something, you can then say, "Oh, I can make sure you get there; but you'll need to figure out a way back." You might also encourage him to identify who else he could ask for a single favor (a ride to X on Y date) as opposed to asking one person to help with everything.
Nope, using this strategy won't make your worries and ambivalence about David and his issues go away. But, you might have noticed that, in many ways, this thread has allowed YOU to go through the process that I just outlined with all of us. Can you imagine how much better David will feel once he gets to do it--especially with a real, live, human adult sitting there listening to him? Perhaps for the first time in his newly adult life.
Hope this helps. I've seen it work.
For more details, PM me.
Ned
