I guess it's not advice for what I want to do, but how to do it. Here's a little back story.
I first met my boyfriend when I was living in a dorm in college in 2012, I was 21 and he was 40. We met in about March, after I broke up with someone, and hung out a few times (yes, sex was involved). Throughout the summer I would visit him at his house and stay the night/weekend and we would work on things he needed help with. Eventually the new semester rolled around and he said I could live there, which was a lot cheaper than the dorms and I accepted. We had separate rooms although I did sleep in his bed regularly. We never established that we were dating and we would both occasionally see other people (this was actually a huge problem as he would talk to people who knew me and basically scare them away). Eventually I started dating a guy and we were together for about 3 months before I realized I loved my roommate and just left the other guy. He was a jerk anyway and emotionally abusive at times. So, by the time December ended, me and my roommate were in a committed relationship.
Starting about 2018, my boyfriends sex drive went way down and it was going from about once a week to once a month or even longer. I do have some problems in the bedroom, bad anxiety makes me tend to overthink things and causes me to go limp in the middle, which could be a turn off for him. Eventually it turned into no sex at all and he said it was because of a rash he developed late 2019, which he did actually have, but sex had stopped before that for a while. After about 4 months the rash went away but things still hadn't changed. At this point in time, we have had sex once in the past year and a half. I have talked to him about this multiple times and just hear that he doesn't think I want to do anything, which isn't true as I tried and tried to do something and it was always "it's too late," then "it's too early." Basically just excuses. I do know that he does jack off as he has a lot of toys that he has purchased the last few years, mainly fleshlights, dildos, and fairly large butt plugs (and yes, these have been used as I have caught him using them before). I have also tried to include these in doing things but he always acts weird about it and won't.
So, here are some of the problems we have had over the years. Starting about 2015, I found out that he was still occasionally using the Adam4Adam account that I met him on. We had agreed early on to delete out accounts and he said he had, which was a lie. Over the next 3 years I have found multiple accounts he has made, he will delete one when I find it but it isn't long before he has a new one. The big kicker is that none of these accounts state he is in a relationship, they do state that he likes 3/somes and fetish stuff. One account was even called twinklover, we have always had disagreements about this as he always watches porn about twinks and I am by no means a twink. He has denied these accounts but, this is really bad..., I have gone through his phone and computer and found evidence of them in the settings on his browser. He does not get happy when I do this, which is understandable. The last year and a half I have also found out that he has been using Grindr premium, and has had a subscription since 2018. I sat on this information for about a year and in January I brought it up with him. He said he has had Grindr for a long time, said he thought I knew about it, and that he only uses it to talk to people, he said he uses premium because he doesn't want people to be able to see where he lives. I find this hard to believe as I have been on Grindr and this is very very uncommon. When I asked him about not using it, he basically said that he wouldn't stop. And he hasn't. There was also a time a few years ago that I had checked out security cameras and found him at 1am bringing a guy to the house, I was out of town at the time as my father had just died and I was spending time with my mom. When I confronted him about this he said that it was a guy he chatted with and wanted to talk to in person about sounding rods. I have little faith that they just talked. Pretty soon after this I was no longer able to access the security cameras, go figure. I do believe that he is meeting people, he has said that he occasionally talks to guys and sends pictures, and there's a guy in town he talks to regularly but said that they have never met. There have also been contacts in his phone that he had deleted years ago and apparently reconnected and talks to still. There was also a time we were driving near where a guy lived and he mentioned the street name, he is so bad with names that I confronted him and he said he had been to the guys house a week or so before because he was trying to hook him up with a mutual friend of ours. I actually got our mutual friend to ask the guy if he had seen my current bf throughout the years and he said that he hadn't.
So a little about what I was doing during this time. Yes, I did cheat, quite a few times. I do have to admit that nothing happened until about 6 months after he stopped having sex. There were times that I said I was working late and would be over at a friends house fucking them, nothing substantial and just wanted to get my rocks off. There was one guy I met on Kik that we talked for a while and it was going good and he was in a similar situation, he had a husband of 20 years and it wasn't working out. Eventually I told him that I was going to try and work on my stuff and he should try and do the same or leave, he did not like this. He harassed me for about a month after before I finally was able to block him on everything. Through us talking he found out where I lived and found out my current bf's name, then proceeded to message him as well as a mutual friend about me. This finally stopped but it did cause some problems (I did meet the guy a couple times to talk, no sex). This changed a little while back in August of 2019. I was out of town working and had downloaded Growlr just to pass the time, it was about a 3 hour drive to where I was going. I started talking to a guy throughout the day and on the way back by my phone was about to die and forgot my charger. We chatted about it and he jokingly invited me over, which I accepted. We sat and talked for about an hour as my phone charged then I kinda hit on him and next thing you know we both blew each other. As I left the house I felt guilty and deleted the app, having no intentions of talking to him again. I felt kinda bad and redownloaded it just to talk, by that time he had sent me his phone number. We actually ended up texting a lot and it eventually turned into me going to his house most weekends and kinda turned into we were dating... This next comment will get a lot of hate. I told him that I had a roommate, not a boyfriend. This went on until January of this year, where I felt guilty and told the guy the truth about my "roommate." He was not happy, which is understandable. Eventually after about a month and a half we talked it out and he said that he didn't really believe everything I told him but he still wanted to be with me, we would just have to work on me only being with him. I had told him that me and my live-in bf haven't had sex in a long time and the relationship died, which he had been coming to terms with. During the time after I told him and the time we got back together he actually met four different guys... which kinda pissed me off as we agreed early on to meet and talk about things and had it planned for when I came back from a vacation. I was pissed because he never even gave me a chance to talk to him or try to work on things.
At this point in time it has been two months since I have been back together with the other guy that I actually really like as we have more in common than my current boyfriend and get along a lot better. I have been visiting him often. I do tell my current bf that I am spending time with friends and family... (I know, I'm a big ole liar.) We do have sex, obviously, and I have not even attempted to kiss the current bf, he was never a big kisser to begin with.
So, the advice I am needing. I have every intention of eventually living with the new guy and leaving my old boyfriend, I just need advice on how to do it. I live an hour and a half away from the guy I have been seeing for a little while and I told him I would need to move out of my current bfs house and get an apartment to tie up my job and stuff. He was also really upset because there is only one bed in this house and he doesn't like that I sleep in it. I have been working on locating new employment as well as an apartment for the mean time. Right now, I have no clue how to break up with the boyfriend I live with. I know I will need to get everything settled and probably already have an apartment to set up but I am kinda worried about how it will be handled. I can see the current bf getting really pissed off and trying to cause problems, i.e. refusing to let me get stuff or stating that everything I have he bought (which he didn't), or just stalking/harassing the new guy which he has done with people I knew in the past. I am also worried because this will leave him alone. I did talk to my little sister about this, she is local and we talk a lot. She said that if I am unhappy, which I am, I should leave. I am just kind of a chicken shit about this as I had never done it before and it kinda scares me to do.
Would it be wrong for me to just tell the current bf that I just don't think it's working out, I want an apartment, and then in a couple months just disappearing from town? I am actually afraid that he will contact the new guy and cause problems and he is already worried enough as it is. I know I should be open with him, but I kinda wanna see what he thinks about the relationship and see if he agrees that it is just kinda dead and I will be able to slowly move out with no hard feelings. I do have some worries that he has been faithful and me doing this to him is just going to upset him. I do think if I mention the guys I have met that it will lead to him getting upset and basically being kicked out with no warning. I do have a sister in town I could crash with but I would like a chance to get my stuff together and not have to deal with these bad feelings. I also have ample savings as he owns the house and I have been living here for 10 years with a fairly decent job so it wouldn't be hard to find somewhere new, just might take a bit of time.
Any help is appreciated, just try to keep the negative comments to a minimum as this has been upsetting me for a long time.
I first met my boyfriend when I was living in a dorm in college in 2012, I was 21 and he was 40. We met in about March, after I broke up with someone, and hung out a few times (yes, sex was involved). Throughout the summer I would visit him at his house and stay the night/weekend and we would work on things he needed help with. Eventually the new semester rolled around and he said I could live there, which was a lot cheaper than the dorms and I accepted. We had separate rooms although I did sleep in his bed regularly. We never established that we were dating and we would both occasionally see other people (this was actually a huge problem as he would talk to people who knew me and basically scare them away). Eventually I started dating a guy and we were together for about 3 months before I realized I loved my roommate and just left the other guy. He was a jerk anyway and emotionally abusive at times. So, by the time December ended, me and my roommate were in a committed relationship.
Starting about 2018, my boyfriends sex drive went way down and it was going from about once a week to once a month or even longer. I do have some problems in the bedroom, bad anxiety makes me tend to overthink things and causes me to go limp in the middle, which could be a turn off for him. Eventually it turned into no sex at all and he said it was because of a rash he developed late 2019, which he did actually have, but sex had stopped before that for a while. After about 4 months the rash went away but things still hadn't changed. At this point in time, we have had sex once in the past year and a half. I have talked to him about this multiple times and just hear that he doesn't think I want to do anything, which isn't true as I tried and tried to do something and it was always "it's too late," then "it's too early." Basically just excuses. I do know that he does jack off as he has a lot of toys that he has purchased the last few years, mainly fleshlights, dildos, and fairly large butt plugs (and yes, these have been used as I have caught him using them before). I have also tried to include these in doing things but he always acts weird about it and won't.
So, here are some of the problems we have had over the years. Starting about 2015, I found out that he was still occasionally using the Adam4Adam account that I met him on. We had agreed early on to delete out accounts and he said he had, which was a lie. Over the next 3 years I have found multiple accounts he has made, he will delete one when I find it but it isn't long before he has a new one. The big kicker is that none of these accounts state he is in a relationship, they do state that he likes 3/somes and fetish stuff. One account was even called twinklover, we have always had disagreements about this as he always watches porn about twinks and I am by no means a twink. He has denied these accounts but, this is really bad..., I have gone through his phone and computer and found evidence of them in the settings on his browser. He does not get happy when I do this, which is understandable. The last year and a half I have also found out that he has been using Grindr premium, and has had a subscription since 2018. I sat on this information for about a year and in January I brought it up with him. He said he has had Grindr for a long time, said he thought I knew about it, and that he only uses it to talk to people, he said he uses premium because he doesn't want people to be able to see where he lives. I find this hard to believe as I have been on Grindr and this is very very uncommon. When I asked him about not using it, he basically said that he wouldn't stop. And he hasn't. There was also a time a few years ago that I had checked out security cameras and found him at 1am bringing a guy to the house, I was out of town at the time as my father had just died and I was spending time with my mom. When I confronted him about this he said that it was a guy he chatted with and wanted to talk to in person about sounding rods. I have little faith that they just talked. Pretty soon after this I was no longer able to access the security cameras, go figure. I do believe that he is meeting people, he has said that he occasionally talks to guys and sends pictures, and there's a guy in town he talks to regularly but said that they have never met. There have also been contacts in his phone that he had deleted years ago and apparently reconnected and talks to still. There was also a time we were driving near where a guy lived and he mentioned the street name, he is so bad with names that I confronted him and he said he had been to the guys house a week or so before because he was trying to hook him up with a mutual friend of ours. I actually got our mutual friend to ask the guy if he had seen my current bf throughout the years and he said that he hadn't.
So a little about what I was doing during this time. Yes, I did cheat, quite a few times. I do have to admit that nothing happened until about 6 months after he stopped having sex. There were times that I said I was working late and would be over at a friends house fucking them, nothing substantial and just wanted to get my rocks off. There was one guy I met on Kik that we talked for a while and it was going good and he was in a similar situation, he had a husband of 20 years and it wasn't working out. Eventually I told him that I was going to try and work on my stuff and he should try and do the same or leave, he did not like this. He harassed me for about a month after before I finally was able to block him on everything. Through us talking he found out where I lived and found out my current bf's name, then proceeded to message him as well as a mutual friend about me. This finally stopped but it did cause some problems (I did meet the guy a couple times to talk, no sex). This changed a little while back in August of 2019. I was out of town working and had downloaded Growlr just to pass the time, it was about a 3 hour drive to where I was going. I started talking to a guy throughout the day and on the way back by my phone was about to die and forgot my charger. We chatted about it and he jokingly invited me over, which I accepted. We sat and talked for about an hour as my phone charged then I kinda hit on him and next thing you know we both blew each other. As I left the house I felt guilty and deleted the app, having no intentions of talking to him again. I felt kinda bad and redownloaded it just to talk, by that time he had sent me his phone number. We actually ended up texting a lot and it eventually turned into me going to his house most weekends and kinda turned into we were dating... This next comment will get a lot of hate. I told him that I had a roommate, not a boyfriend. This went on until January of this year, where I felt guilty and told the guy the truth about my "roommate." He was not happy, which is understandable. Eventually after about a month and a half we talked it out and he said that he didn't really believe everything I told him but he still wanted to be with me, we would just have to work on me only being with him. I had told him that me and my live-in bf haven't had sex in a long time and the relationship died, which he had been coming to terms with. During the time after I told him and the time we got back together he actually met four different guys... which kinda pissed me off as we agreed early on to meet and talk about things and had it planned for when I came back from a vacation. I was pissed because he never even gave me a chance to talk to him or try to work on things.
At this point in time it has been two months since I have been back together with the other guy that I actually really like as we have more in common than my current boyfriend and get along a lot better. I have been visiting him often. I do tell my current bf that I am spending time with friends and family... (I know, I'm a big ole liar.) We do have sex, obviously, and I have not even attempted to kiss the current bf, he was never a big kisser to begin with.
So, the advice I am needing. I have every intention of eventually living with the new guy and leaving my old boyfriend, I just need advice on how to do it. I live an hour and a half away from the guy I have been seeing for a little while and I told him I would need to move out of my current bfs house and get an apartment to tie up my job and stuff. He was also really upset because there is only one bed in this house and he doesn't like that I sleep in it. I have been working on locating new employment as well as an apartment for the mean time. Right now, I have no clue how to break up with the boyfriend I live with. I know I will need to get everything settled and probably already have an apartment to set up but I am kinda worried about how it will be handled. I can see the current bf getting really pissed off and trying to cause problems, i.e. refusing to let me get stuff or stating that everything I have he bought (which he didn't), or just stalking/harassing the new guy which he has done with people I knew in the past. I am also worried because this will leave him alone. I did talk to my little sister about this, she is local and we talk a lot. She said that if I am unhappy, which I am, I should leave. I am just kind of a chicken shit about this as I had never done it before and it kinda scares me to do.
Would it be wrong for me to just tell the current bf that I just don't think it's working out, I want an apartment, and then in a couple months just disappearing from town? I am actually afraid that he will contact the new guy and cause problems and he is already worried enough as it is. I know I should be open with him, but I kinda wanna see what he thinks about the relationship and see if he agrees that it is just kinda dead and I will be able to slowly move out with no hard feelings. I do have some worries that he has been faithful and me doing this to him is just going to upset him. I do think if I mention the guys I have met that it will lead to him getting upset and basically being kicked out with no warning. I do have a sister in town I could crash with but I would like a chance to get my stuff together and not have to deal with these bad feelings. I also have ample savings as he owns the house and I have been living here for 10 years with a fairly decent job so it wouldn't be hard to find somewhere new, just might take a bit of time.
Any help is appreciated, just try to keep the negative comments to a minimum as this has been upsetting me for a long time.
