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Advice Please

S

savagegsi

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Hi All,

Let me start by complimenting you all on what a great site you have running here. I have been vooking around for a while but its time for my first post and I hope that you all can offer me some advice on what actions I should take?

Let me start off by saying that I am 22 and have recently realised that I am gay or maybe BI but leaning more twords gay. THis is a big step for me saying this as this is the first time I have actually written this or told anyone. I had a few relationships when I was younger but soon realised that this was not for me as I never got any satifaction out of any of the relationships nothing that we ever did excited me and i always felt as I was not meant to be.

I know I am going on and on here but I feel that you need to know a bit more about me to understand and see if I am making the corect choices?

All the stuff that really interests me specifically my car, my career and computers Is always easier to talk to and discuss with my male friends. Plus I always found myself looking at men during university. Some of my friend would say hey check out that hot chick and no matter how hard i tried it just never did anything for me, so I am not questioning the desison that I have made.

What I do need advice on is how to take things further and let the world know who and what I am. No my issue comes with my best friend, this is a two part thing, I susspect that he also might be gay or bi but I am too affraid to ask him coz I feel it will either affect our friendship in a positive way or a negative way and I dont think I can live without him as a friend.

Now let me explain a few things about him so you can get a feel to see if he might be gay or bi. We have been friends for 8 years now and are inseparatable. We do everything together and have never fought in our entire freindship. Why I think he might be gay is coz he is exactly like me, we have been on holiday together, gone overseas together and see eachother at least 3 times a week and we still not sick of eachothers company, he has not had a girfriend since he was 18, he like myself is straight acting and has very few female friends. We even act like a couple that we cant make a desion without consulting the other one first and he is there when I need to talkt to someone. He spends all of his spare time with either me or his other male friends who have girfriends. When ever I subtilly bring up the topic of gay he does not have much to say or just pretends he did not hear me and the list goes on and on.

He has even agreed that we should consider sharing a place next year when I am moving out of the house as it will make more financial sence to do it that way.

Now you probably thinking perfect match right there but here are the reasons why I dont think he is gay:

He has never brought up the topic ever before and we talk about anything. He often stays over at my house since we like to occasionally get rather drunk and dont want to drive anywhere and since he has been doing this he has never said or done anything to show that he might be attracted to him, I mean even when I make subtile passes at him like even just touching his leg or arm while we watching a movie he pulls aways, although he never says anything.
He is also very shy and all the time that we have been friends we have never shared any shall we say "sexual experiences" or ever talk about anything sexual?

Last butnot liest he set up a faebook profile the other day and after he set it up I spotted that he said he was interested in men, and I thought to myself this is the perfect time to find out more. He stated that this was an accident and that he better change it before his other friends see but as we were chatting online I asked he why not leave it there to see what reaction he gets out of it to which he responded "Om not ready to come out just yet :-)"

So now my questions are as follows do you think he is gay or not? DO you think I should tell him that I am? If so how or do you think I should wait till next near and see if he does move in with me and take things from there? But the thing i am most worried about is loosing his freindship coz I want be able to deal with that.

Sorry for the long post and I look forward to your suggestions and advice.

Cheers
 
Hi there

Welcome to JUB & the CO&R Forum. I'm glad you decided to post

After reading your post my gut is telling me your friend probably is gay, however he's obviously struggling with it.

You're in a tough situation because right now the friendship is working very well. If you make a move on him or just "come out to him" you run the risk of ruining the friendship if he is not gay and/or is uncomfortable having a best friend who is gay. As I said, my hunch is telling me he is on our side though

I don't know how you get through to him. The only thing I can think of is possibly bring up the topic more often (especially when you're drinking) and see what comes out

There's a wealth of knowledge and experience amongst the regulars of this forum so I'm sure you're going to receive great advice

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you'll keep us informed how you're doing and progressing with your friend

B_1

(*8*)
 
Honestly, I wouldn't worry about your friend so much. If he's not gay, you'll still want him as a friend, right? So go ahead and come out to him. You might not want to make a grand announcement, but admit to him that you've started wondering if you might be gay or bisexual. You've started looking at guys or porn, and trying to figure out exactly where you're at. If he IS gay - or questioning - this should give him the go-ahead to discuss it with you.

Welcome to JUB!

Lex
 
G-Lexington said:
Honestly, I wouldn't worry about your friend so much. If he's not gay, you'll still want him as a friend, right? So go ahead and come out to him. You might not want to make a grand announcement, but admit to him that you've started wondering if you might be gay or bisexual. You've started looking at guys or porn, and trying to figure out exactly where you're at. If he IS gay - or questioning - this should give him the go-ahead to discuss it with you.

Welcome to JUB!

Lex
Click to expand...

What he said.
 
Im 21. At the beginning of this year, i began to feel a change in my life that i have never felt before. I felt that i was stuck. Stuck in a superficial relationship with friends, never diverting into matters that are more important. All i did was talk to them about meaningless stuff, how was your day, your weekend etc. You see, im a closet gay, and just like you, i feel that exposing myself to my friends would make them reject me. But the irony is that i have already lost them. Burying under my closet is keeping me from forming better/closer friendships with them and the only way to be liberated is to tell them the truth. Your task is simple. Tell your friend that you are gay and try hard to make your friendship work. Its better than wasting time letting what could be a great opportunity or relationship slip away.
 
Thanks for all the advice so far I feel this is exactly what I need to hear, People telling me I have made the right decsion so far in my life and I relly appreciate your comments;)

If you can maybe offer some advice on how I should tell him in a way that will be least shocked if e turns out not to be gay? I feel that I need to take time and plan to do this properly so hopefully things can turn out in the best possible way.

But once again so far thats for all of your suggestions I really appreciae them:D
 
cellular said:
Im 21. At the beginning of this year, i began to feel a change in my life that i have never felt before. I felt that i was stuck. Stuck in a superficial relationship with friends, never diverting into matters that are more important. All i did was talk to them about meaningless stuff, how was your day, your weekend etc. You see, im a closet gay, and just like you, i feel that exposing myself to my friends would make them reject me. But the irony is that i have already lost them. Burying under my closet is keeping me from forming better/closer friendships with them and the only way to be liberated is to tell them the truth. Your task is simple. Tell your friend that you are gay and try hard to make your friendship work. Its better than wasting time letting what could be a great opportunity or relationship slip away.
Click to expand...

So if I may ask have you come out to them and if so how did you go about it and what did they say?
 
If you ask him if he's gay It may put him off so make the discussion about you. Say something like"I think I may be interested in guys and I was considering not telling you but you mean more than that to me and I want to be honest with you. Would you still be my best friend If I may be Bi ? I care about you so much and I want us to be OK."
Now the ball is in his court. On a side note, I think he was being truthful in his Facebook profile but didn't imagine his friends reading it. For all you know he has deep feelings for you as well. Just be honest with him. Keep us posted.
 
Blueboy369 said:
If you ask him if he's gay It may put him off so make the discussion about you. Say something like"I think I may be interested in guys and I was considering not telling you but you mean more than that to me and I want to be honest with you. Would you still be my best friend If I may be Bi ? I care about you so much and I want us to be OK."
Now the ball is in his court. On a side note, I think he was being truthful in his Facebook profile but didn't imagine his friends reading it. For all you know he has deep feelings for you as well. Just be honest with him. Keep us posted.
Click to expand...

Yes, please definitely keep us posted. And Sava ... like what Blueboy said, just ask him a hypothetical question and see how he responds to that and go from there.

I really do think that your friend could be gay, but he may still be in the closet.
 
mabby7 said:
Yes, please definitely keep us posted. And Sava ... like what Blueboy said, just ask him a hypothetical question and see how he responds to that and go from there.

I really do think that your friend could be gay, but he may still be in the closet.
Click to expand...

A question such as what?

I really want to do this but im still so afraid of what his reaction would be, I mean a relationship with him would be my dream but im not going to think anything less of him if he is not gay as my friendship with him is most importaint but i feel that our friendship is not 100% true if i dont tell him
 
savagegsi said:
A question such as what?
Click to expand...

Like those "If I was gay ..." questions. "If I was gay, would you still be my friend?", stuff like that. You're not saying that you're gay, you're just asking a hypothetical question. If he has a less than satisfactory reaction, then maybe you shouldn't out yourself. I dunno, it really depends on you. If you say something and if he doesn't want to be your friend after that, then I guess you can't really do anything else.

Anyways take care.:-)
 
Have you ever blatantly brought up the topic of homosexuality? Do you know what his stance is on the subject in general? Things may seem one way when piecing together information, when in actuality the person thinks something else.

I wouldn't try to "out" him or anything. Like everyone else said, I would make it about you. You've mentioned that his friendship means a lot to you, so you'll probably want to talk to him about this anyway, whether he is closeted or straight.

So, if you wanted to come out to him but don't know his opinion on the topic you could start the conversation with something related to the topic. 'What do you think about same sex marriage' or something along those lines. Then you could guage his reaction then tell him, 'I think I may be ____ (whatever you think or feel comfortable saying)'.

I find that coming out is never easy, especially if you're not sure yourself. I still have to tell some of my old friends but haven't really found a way to say it yet. Best of luck and keep us updated.
 
Thanks for the replys I think that the best time is to wait till we really really drunk then try to ask subtile questions on the subject and see what his responses are and from those i can work out what to do next.
 
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